Trick-or-Treat: Part Two
The last part of our late-night punchy co-write! Courtesy of your usual late-night punchy co-write team of leilia, peasant007, and docnerd, who had far too much fun cracking herself up.
The three boys peered into their pillowcases and assessed the haul they'd collected so far. Yakko reached into his and pulled out something that squished in his hand. "Why did the nice lady give us grilled cheese sandwiches?" he asked.
Spider pulled his out with two fingers and tossed it into the gutter. "I don't know, but I'm not eating it." He thought back to the redheaded woman in the peasant skirt. "Freaking hippies. It's probably, like, soy cheese or something."
"How do you milk a soy?"
"Where do you want to go next?" Ruth asked.
"How about Belladonna Cove?" Zane said. "We haven't been there yet."
"Yeah, Belladonna Cove's good," Spider agreed. "Too upscale for cheese-hippies."
The five of them appeared on a street in downtown Belladonna Cove. The nearest house had the porch light on. Yakko examined the house, then poofed into a Harry Potter costume.
Ruth and Jez hung back at the edge of the sidewalk while the three boys walked up to the front door, flashed friendly grins, and singsonged "Trick-or-Treat!"
The two dark-haired women looked down at them. "Do you see what I see, sister?" one asked.
"I do. I don't believe three grown men pretending to be little boys deserve any candy."
Spider made his lower lip quiver. "But we never got to trick-or-treat when we were kids for real."
"Dead things should stay where they belong," the first woman said.
"Kimberly, don't be cruel," her sister said.
Yakko turned the sad spaniel eyes on the sisters. Spider and Zane did their best to emulate him. "Do it, Yakko," Spider hissed.
"Angel" emanated from Yakko's pants.
"You are such a soft touch, Sam," Kimberly said as the other woman threw a handful of candy into each of their pillowcases.
"I knew I kept you around for a reason," Spider said as they walked back to Ruth and Jez. He handed a couple of suckers to Jezebel. "Here's your cut."
She popped one in her mouth. "Root beer is the very best flavor of DumDum."
"So do you want to keep going around here?" Ruth asked.
"Nah. I mean, I'd like to go annoy Melinda Columbus or whatever, but Max will probably glare at me when he finds out I did that." Spider sighed. "And somehow, he always finds out."
"We could go to Strangetown," Zane suggested. "I bet they have good candy."
They were suddenly surrounded by desert. "Wanna go there?" Jez asked. The house they were standing in front of had the porch light on invitingly, but a handful of ghosts floated around the front yard.
"I think we can skip that place," Yakko said, backing towards the other side of the street.
Spider raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? I thought Halloween was all about ghosts!"
"Not the kind that make you pee your pants!"
"Spider, don't torment your friend," Ruth said.
"Why?" Spider sang.
"Are you enjoying this?" Zane asked.
"Hell yes," Spider replied.
"These ghosts aren't so bad, really," Zane said. A pretty woman who looked like a housewife drifted by, and he threw her a cheerful wave. "Look, Yakko, she's waving hi!"
"I'm going to stay over here where it's not ghost-y!" Yakko called from the other side of the street. "If you guys want to go get candy there, you can!"
Spider and Zane looked at each other, shrugged, and skipped up to the door. When they came back to Ruth and Jez, Spider had a murderous look on his face. "Pennies. Fucking pennies."
"Language, young man!" Ruth chided.
"I wanna go to the pirate ship!" Yakko called, pointing.
"Has he been eating the hippie candy?" Spider asked. "A pirate ship in the desert?"
"A pirate ship in the desert! Yay!" Yakko said.
Zane squinted into the darkness. "I think I see a mast."
Yakko turned himself into Jack Sparrow, then went running down the street.
"He's getting away," Spider observed. He turned to the Hula Zombies. "You're not very good chaperones. He could get hit by a car or something. And then you would feel bad."
"Go catch up. Maybe you'll all get hit by a car," Jez said.
Spider stuck his tongue out at her, then trotted off after Yakko, who was making his way up a gangplank.
"Arrr! I'm a pirate, looking for some booty!" Yakko called.
An adult Jack Sparrow stuck his head out. "What day is it?" he slurred.
"It's Halloween! Trick-or-treat!" Yakko said.
"Can I choose trick?" Captain Jack asked.
"No! Candy!" Yakko said.
A blonde lady came to the door. She looked down at the three boys. "Did Candi order us some more orphans?"
"Is it Halloween?" Jack asked her.
"Maybe?" She noticed the pillowcases. "Well, if it's not Halloween, they deserve something for playing the con. Hang on, kids." When she came back, her hands were full, and she dropped something heavy into their pillowcases. "The lady in the stilt house up the road has all the best goodies."
"Thanks, lady!" Yakko said. "I like your costume!" he said to Jack.
"Costume?" the pirate said, confused.
"What'd we get?" Zane asked as they made their way back to the sidewalk.
Spider stopped under the streetlight and dug around until he found the latest acquisitions. "Sweet!" he said, holding up two airplane-sized bottles of rum.
"That is not age-appropriate!" Ruth said, grabbing for the bottles.
Spider held them close to his chest. "Come on, I'm, like, six generations old or something!"
Jez pried the bottles out of his hands and 'rescued' Zane's and Yakko's from their pillowcases. "Sorry, kid, you can't be a hundred years old and eight at the same time. You're currently a child, so as a responsible adult, I have to confiscate your booze." She twisted the cap off one of the tiny bottles and tossed it back. "Ruth?"
"Don't mind if I do," Ruth said, taking the bottle Jez held out and drinking it.
"No fair," Spider said, pouting.
"We should go to the other house. The lady on the ship said there would be the best goodies," Zane pointed out.
The three boys ran to the house up on stilts. "The lady who gave us booze said this place had the best goodies," Spider said. "If it's more booze, we gotta keep it a secret or they'll just take it away again!"
They dashed up the stairs and banged on the door. "Trick-or-Treat!"
"What's that smell?" Zane asked as they heard someone approach the door.
Spider gagged. "I don't know, but it's terrible."
The door opened. Yakko screamed in terror. The smell got worse, as the overpowering stink mixed with what appeared to be chili.
"Great mask!" Yakko said to the man who opened the door.
"Mask?" the man said.
Impatient, Spider held his pillowcase open. "Trick-or-Treat! The lady on the ship said you had the best treats!"
"You got that right!" the man said smugly, polishing his fingernails on his leopard-print smoking jacket. He placed something satisfyingly heavy into their pillowcases.
"Well?" Jez asked when they walked back to the Hula Zombies. "Was it the best stuff ever?"
"It feels like another heavy bottle!" Yakko said cheerfully. Spider glared at him.
"I'll just take that for safekeeping," Jez said, rummaging around in Spider's pillowcase until she found the bottle. She pulled it out, took a look at the label, and laughed. "On second thought, you can keep it."
Spider took the bottle. "What is it?" Zane asked.
"'New Herbs: Eau de Toilette. Smells just like Old Spice." Spider popped off the cap and took a cautious sniff. He choked. "It's what that guy was wearing, that terrible cologne. Designer knockoff Old Spice."
"All yours," Jez said with a smirk.
"Your generosity is underwhelming," Spider said.
"I like being generous!" Yakko chirped, pulling the cologne out of his pillowcase and handing it to Spider. "You can have mine!"
Zane grabbed his own bottle of chemical warfare. "You know, I'm sure Cecil would like this." He tried to sell it as hard as he could, but Spider wasn't buying. "Really, he'd be too polite to throw it out."
"He's also who-the-fuck-knows-where right now," Spider said sourly.
"No re-gifting!" Zane said quickly, holding his hands up.
"This town sucks for trick-or-treating," Spider announced. "Let's go somewhere else."
"Where to?" Zane asked. "We can't go to your Riverblossom Hills. Veronaville?"
"I know where to go," Spider said, not bothering to disguise the smugness in his voice.
Ruth and Jez followed the boys as they walked the streets of Pleasantview. "This was a good idea, Spider," Yakko said. They'd gotten a fun-size Snickers from the guy with the teenage son, a box of Hot Tamales from the two ladies, and a condom from the guy with the pompadour, which was weird, but at least Jezebel hadn't taken that away. The little bottles of rum were conspicuously absent, and Jez wasn't walking in a straight line particularly well.
"I don't know that I'm entirely comfortable with this," Zane said. It was a little too close to home.
"Come on, Zane. This isn't your Pleasantview. No one here knows you."
"That's not what I'm worried about," Zane muttered, too quietly for anyone to hear.
They stopped off at a tricked-out house where they got to pick their candy-- one of the redheaded teenagers handing out the candy smiled at them, while the other one looked at them like she'd scraped them off her sole of her cyber-boot.
There was one more big house. "We should go there, then head back," Spider said.
"I don't think there's anyone home," Zane said.
"The light's on," Yakko pointed out.
"That's so no one eggs their house," Zane said.
"You turn off the light when you're out of candy," Spider said.
Zane took a minute to think. "Ghosts. There's ghosts there. Lots of ghosts."
Yakko looked at the yard. "I don't see any."
"Trust me. They're there."
Yakko glanced at Ruth and Jez. "Are there?" When Jez shrugged, Yakko turned to Spider. "Spidey-Widey? Are there ghosts?"
Spider narrowed his eyes at Zane. "Nope."
The door opened. A woman with pigtails stepped out onto the porch. "Are you coming up? We have candy!"
"Candy!" Yakko cheered, skipping up to the house.
"Come on," Spider said, grabbing the sleeve of Zane's fireman jacket and dragging him up the walk. Zane tugged the red helmet down over his face. "You are being really weird right now," Spider said.
Zane tugged the collar of the jacket up as high as he could.
"Trick-or-Treat!" Spider said, holding up his pillowcase.
"Trick-or-Treat," Zane mumbled, avoiding looking up at Cassandra.
"You're all so handsome!" she said. "A pirate, and a fireman, and..."
"I'm a misanthropic journalist based on Hunter S. Thompson, from a violence- and sex-filled graphic novel," Spider said cheerfully.
"That's... nice..." Cassandra said.
"Mom and Dad are real progressive." Spider grinned.
"You have wings, too," she pointed out.
"Political statement about overfishing."
Zane elbowed Spider in the ribs. "Stop. It," he hissed.
A baffled Cassandra Goth dropped a king-size Hershey bar into each of their pillowcases. "You boys have a nice night! Be safe out there!"
Yakko pulled out the condom. "We got that covered!"
Cassandra looked horrified. Spider jerked a thumb at Yakko. "He's adopted." Grinning, he shoved Zane in front of him. "This is my twin brother! He's really shy! Say 'Hi,' Zane!"
"Pleasedtomeetyou," Zane mumbled, staring at his fireman boots.
Cassandra kneeled down and looked up at Zane's face. "Oh, you're identical twins! You must feel so lucky!"
"Sometimes," Zane said.
"You're just so adorable!" Cassandra hugged Spider and Zane to her. Zane heard Spider holding back a snicker.
"No one loves me!" Yakko wailed. "I think I had a twin once, only I absorbed him in the womb and that's why my mommy didn't want me!"
"Oh, no, sweetie!" Cassandra said. "Your parents chose to love you, and that's so wonderful!" She pulled Yakko close. Yakko threw the Freddie Mercury fist-to-the-sky as he wedged his face between Cassandra's breasts.
Zane reached out, grabbed a handful of dreadlocks, and hauled Yakko backwards. "It was lovely to meet you, but we have to go now!" he said to Cassandra.
"Thanks, nurse!" Yakko called as Zane dragged him back to the street.
Spider couldn't resist. "You wanna know a secret?" he asked Cassandra. She nodded and bent over so he could whisper in her ear. "That thing about absorbing his twin? Totally true." Cackling, he ran down to Ruth and Jez. He looked back and gave Cassandra a jaunty wave.
"Do I want to know what you said?" Zane asked.
"Probably best if you don't," Spider replied. "Let's go home and tuck into our spoils of war."
The five of them disappeared in the blink of an eye.
On the porch, Cassandra Goth took off her glasses and cleaned them on her sleeve. Maybe she needed thicker lenses...
They were all adults when they arrived in Spider's garden. "Yay candy!" Yakko said. He started to dump out his pillowcase.
"Nononononono!" Spider grabbed the open end of the bag and pinned it shut. "You are not getting a sugar buzz here. I will have to imagine some walls to peel you off of them."
"Or you could just imagine some walls in general," Zane said. "Walls are good. They stop people from seeing... things. Things that they might not wish to see. Naked things."
"I like to fuck with the lights on," Spider said.
Yakko waved. "Goodnight, everybody!"
The three boys peered into their pillowcases and assessed the haul they'd collected so far. Yakko reached into his and pulled out something that squished in his hand. "Why did the nice lady give us grilled cheese sandwiches?" he asked.
Spider pulled his out with two fingers and tossed it into the gutter. "I don't know, but I'm not eating it." He thought back to the redheaded woman in the peasant skirt. "Freaking hippies. It's probably, like, soy cheese or something."
"How do you milk a soy?"
"Where do you want to go next?" Ruth asked.
"How about Belladonna Cove?" Zane said. "We haven't been there yet."
"Yeah, Belladonna Cove's good," Spider agreed. "Too upscale for cheese-hippies."
The five of them appeared on a street in downtown Belladonna Cove. The nearest house had the porch light on. Yakko examined the house, then poofed into a Harry Potter costume.
Ruth and Jez hung back at the edge of the sidewalk while the three boys walked up to the front door, flashed friendly grins, and singsonged "Trick-or-Treat!"
The two dark-haired women looked down at them. "Do you see what I see, sister?" one asked.
"I do. I don't believe three grown men pretending to be little boys deserve any candy."
Spider made his lower lip quiver. "But we never got to trick-or-treat when we were kids for real."
"Dead things should stay where they belong," the first woman said.
"Kimberly, don't be cruel," her sister said.
Yakko turned the sad spaniel eyes on the sisters. Spider and Zane did their best to emulate him. "Do it, Yakko," Spider hissed.
"Angel" emanated from Yakko's pants.
"You are such a soft touch, Sam," Kimberly said as the other woman threw a handful of candy into each of their pillowcases.
"I knew I kept you around for a reason," Spider said as they walked back to Ruth and Jez. He handed a couple of suckers to Jezebel. "Here's your cut."
She popped one in her mouth. "Root beer is the very best flavor of DumDum."
"So do you want to keep going around here?" Ruth asked.
"Nah. I mean, I'd like to go annoy Melinda Columbus or whatever, but Max will probably glare at me when he finds out I did that." Spider sighed. "And somehow, he always finds out."
"We could go to Strangetown," Zane suggested. "I bet they have good candy."
They were suddenly surrounded by desert. "Wanna go there?" Jez asked. The house they were standing in front of had the porch light on invitingly, but a handful of ghosts floated around the front yard.
"I think we can skip that place," Yakko said, backing towards the other side of the street.
Spider raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? I thought Halloween was all about ghosts!"
"Not the kind that make you pee your pants!"
"Spider, don't torment your friend," Ruth said.
"Why?" Spider sang.
"Are you enjoying this?" Zane asked.
"Hell yes," Spider replied.
"These ghosts aren't so bad, really," Zane said. A pretty woman who looked like a housewife drifted by, and he threw her a cheerful wave. "Look, Yakko, she's waving hi!"
"I'm going to stay over here where it's not ghost-y!" Yakko called from the other side of the street. "If you guys want to go get candy there, you can!"
Spider and Zane looked at each other, shrugged, and skipped up to the door. When they came back to Ruth and Jez, Spider had a murderous look on his face. "Pennies. Fucking pennies."
"Language, young man!" Ruth chided.
"I wanna go to the pirate ship!" Yakko called, pointing.
"Has he been eating the hippie candy?" Spider asked. "A pirate ship in the desert?"
"A pirate ship in the desert! Yay!" Yakko said.
Zane squinted into the darkness. "I think I see a mast."
Yakko turned himself into Jack Sparrow, then went running down the street.
"He's getting away," Spider observed. He turned to the Hula Zombies. "You're not very good chaperones. He could get hit by a car or something. And then you would feel bad."
"Go catch up. Maybe you'll all get hit by a car," Jez said.
Spider stuck his tongue out at her, then trotted off after Yakko, who was making his way up a gangplank.
"Arrr! I'm a pirate, looking for some booty!" Yakko called.
An adult Jack Sparrow stuck his head out. "What day is it?" he slurred.
"It's Halloween! Trick-or-treat!" Yakko said.
"Can I choose trick?" Captain Jack asked.
"No! Candy!" Yakko said.
A blonde lady came to the door. She looked down at the three boys. "Did Candi order us some more orphans?"
"Is it Halloween?" Jack asked her.
"Maybe?" She noticed the pillowcases. "Well, if it's not Halloween, they deserve something for playing the con. Hang on, kids." When she came back, her hands were full, and she dropped something heavy into their pillowcases. "The lady in the stilt house up the road has all the best goodies."
"Thanks, lady!" Yakko said. "I like your costume!" he said to Jack.
"Costume?" the pirate said, confused.
"What'd we get?" Zane asked as they made their way back to the sidewalk.
Spider stopped under the streetlight and dug around until he found the latest acquisitions. "Sweet!" he said, holding up two airplane-sized bottles of rum.
"That is not age-appropriate!" Ruth said, grabbing for the bottles.
Spider held them close to his chest. "Come on, I'm, like, six generations old or something!"
Jez pried the bottles out of his hands and 'rescued' Zane's and Yakko's from their pillowcases. "Sorry, kid, you can't be a hundred years old and eight at the same time. You're currently a child, so as a responsible adult, I have to confiscate your booze." She twisted the cap off one of the tiny bottles and tossed it back. "Ruth?"
"Don't mind if I do," Ruth said, taking the bottle Jez held out and drinking it.
"No fair," Spider said, pouting.
"We should go to the other house. The lady on the ship said there would be the best goodies," Zane pointed out.
The three boys ran to the house up on stilts. "The lady who gave us booze said this place had the best goodies," Spider said. "If it's more booze, we gotta keep it a secret or they'll just take it away again!"
They dashed up the stairs and banged on the door. "Trick-or-Treat!"
"What's that smell?" Zane asked as they heard someone approach the door.
Spider gagged. "I don't know, but it's terrible."
The door opened. Yakko screamed in terror. The smell got worse, as the overpowering stink mixed with what appeared to be chili.
"Great mask!" Yakko said to the man who opened the door.
"Mask?" the man said.
Impatient, Spider held his pillowcase open. "Trick-or-Treat! The lady on the ship said you had the best treats!"
"You got that right!" the man said smugly, polishing his fingernails on his leopard-print smoking jacket. He placed something satisfyingly heavy into their pillowcases.
"Well?" Jez asked when they walked back to the Hula Zombies. "Was it the best stuff ever?"
"It feels like another heavy bottle!" Yakko said cheerfully. Spider glared at him.
"I'll just take that for safekeeping," Jez said, rummaging around in Spider's pillowcase until she found the bottle. She pulled it out, took a look at the label, and laughed. "On second thought, you can keep it."
Spider took the bottle. "What is it?" Zane asked.
"'New Herbs: Eau de Toilette. Smells just like Old Spice." Spider popped off the cap and took a cautious sniff. He choked. "It's what that guy was wearing, that terrible cologne. Designer knockoff Old Spice."
"All yours," Jez said with a smirk.
"Your generosity is underwhelming," Spider said.
"I like being generous!" Yakko chirped, pulling the cologne out of his pillowcase and handing it to Spider. "You can have mine!"
Zane grabbed his own bottle of chemical warfare. "You know, I'm sure Cecil would like this." He tried to sell it as hard as he could, but Spider wasn't buying. "Really, he'd be too polite to throw it out."
"He's also who-the-fuck-knows-where right now," Spider said sourly.
"No re-gifting!" Zane said quickly, holding his hands up.
"This town sucks for trick-or-treating," Spider announced. "Let's go somewhere else."
"Where to?" Zane asked. "We can't go to your Riverblossom Hills. Veronaville?"
"I know where to go," Spider said, not bothering to disguise the smugness in his voice.
Ruth and Jez followed the boys as they walked the streets of Pleasantview. "This was a good idea, Spider," Yakko said. They'd gotten a fun-size Snickers from the guy with the teenage son, a box of Hot Tamales from the two ladies, and a condom from the guy with the pompadour, which was weird, but at least Jezebel hadn't taken that away. The little bottles of rum were conspicuously absent, and Jez wasn't walking in a straight line particularly well.
"I don't know that I'm entirely comfortable with this," Zane said. It was a little too close to home.
"Come on, Zane. This isn't your Pleasantview. No one here knows you."
"That's not what I'm worried about," Zane muttered, too quietly for anyone to hear.
They stopped off at a tricked-out house where they got to pick their candy-- one of the redheaded teenagers handing out the candy smiled at them, while the other one looked at them like she'd scraped them off her sole of her cyber-boot.
There was one more big house. "We should go there, then head back," Spider said.
"I don't think there's anyone home," Zane said.
"The light's on," Yakko pointed out.
"That's so no one eggs their house," Zane said.
"You turn off the light when you're out of candy," Spider said.
Zane took a minute to think. "Ghosts. There's ghosts there. Lots of ghosts."
Yakko looked at the yard. "I don't see any."
"Trust me. They're there."
Yakko glanced at Ruth and Jez. "Are there?" When Jez shrugged, Yakko turned to Spider. "Spidey-Widey? Are there ghosts?"
Spider narrowed his eyes at Zane. "Nope."
The door opened. A woman with pigtails stepped out onto the porch. "Are you coming up? We have candy!"
"Candy!" Yakko cheered, skipping up to the house.
"Come on," Spider said, grabbing the sleeve of Zane's fireman jacket and dragging him up the walk. Zane tugged the red helmet down over his face. "You are being really weird right now," Spider said.
Zane tugged the collar of the jacket up as high as he could.
"Trick-or-Treat!" Spider said, holding up his pillowcase.
"Trick-or-Treat," Zane mumbled, avoiding looking up at Cassandra.
"You're all so handsome!" she said. "A pirate, and a fireman, and..."
"I'm a misanthropic journalist based on Hunter S. Thompson, from a violence- and sex-filled graphic novel," Spider said cheerfully.
"That's... nice..." Cassandra said.
"Mom and Dad are real progressive." Spider grinned.
"You have wings, too," she pointed out.
"Political statement about overfishing."
Zane elbowed Spider in the ribs. "Stop. It," he hissed.
A baffled Cassandra Goth dropped a king-size Hershey bar into each of their pillowcases. "You boys have a nice night! Be safe out there!"
Yakko pulled out the condom. "We got that covered!"
Cassandra looked horrified. Spider jerked a thumb at Yakko. "He's adopted." Grinning, he shoved Zane in front of him. "This is my twin brother! He's really shy! Say 'Hi,' Zane!"
"Pleasedtomeetyou," Zane mumbled, staring at his fireman boots.
Cassandra kneeled down and looked up at Zane's face. "Oh, you're identical twins! You must feel so lucky!"
"Sometimes," Zane said.
"You're just so adorable!" Cassandra hugged Spider and Zane to her. Zane heard Spider holding back a snicker.
"No one loves me!" Yakko wailed. "I think I had a twin once, only I absorbed him in the womb and that's why my mommy didn't want me!"
"Oh, no, sweetie!" Cassandra said. "Your parents chose to love you, and that's so wonderful!" She pulled Yakko close. Yakko threw the Freddie Mercury fist-to-the-sky as he wedged his face between Cassandra's breasts.
Zane reached out, grabbed a handful of dreadlocks, and hauled Yakko backwards. "It was lovely to meet you, but we have to go now!" he said to Cassandra.
"Thanks, nurse!" Yakko called as Zane dragged him back to the street.
Spider couldn't resist. "You wanna know a secret?" he asked Cassandra. She nodded and bent over so he could whisper in her ear. "That thing about absorbing his twin? Totally true." Cackling, he ran down to Ruth and Jez. He looked back and gave Cassandra a jaunty wave.
"Do I want to know what you said?" Zane asked.
"Probably best if you don't," Spider replied. "Let's go home and tuck into our spoils of war."
The five of them disappeared in the blink of an eye.
On the porch, Cassandra Goth took off her glasses and cleaned them on her sleeve. Maybe she needed thicker lenses...
They were all adults when they arrived in Spider's garden. "Yay candy!" Yakko said. He started to dump out his pillowcase.
"Nononononono!" Spider grabbed the open end of the bag and pinned it shut. "You are not getting a sugar buzz here. I will have to imagine some walls to peel you off of them."
"Or you could just imagine some walls in general," Zane said. "Walls are good. They stop people from seeing... things. Things that they might not wish to see. Naked things."
"I like to fuck with the lights on," Spider said.
Yakko waved. "Goodnight, everybody!"