Trick-or-Treat: Part One
From the slightly twisted minds of leilia, peasant007, and docnerd, we have a co-write!
It was a sunny summer day in Spider's garden. The vibrant purple irises and the violet hydrangeas and indigo lupines sprang from the flowerbeds, bright yellow daisies and brilliant red poppies filling the spaces in between. The air was perfumed with a dozen different scents that all melded perfectly, with a bottom note of the roses that twisted through the trellis. The fountain burbled merrily, and the grass was as soft as velvet. Bees and butterflies buzzed and flitted from blossom to blossom. The garden rivaled Kew and Versailles.
Mostly because Spider wanted it to.
Yakko appeared in the garden with an audible pop. "Hey, guys! Guess what time it is!"
Zane looked down at his wrist. It was an automatic gesture; he'd never actually worn a watch.
Spider breathed a sigh of relief that Zane was visiting, and not Max. Yakko had a knack for showing up when Spider and Max were in... compromising positions. Oohhhh yeah.
"What time is it, Yakko?" Spider and Zane asked together.
"It's Halloween time! Did you know there's candy? And bobbing for apples? And candy? And trick-or-treating? And candy? And haunted houses? And candy? And candy?"
"So... there's candy, then?" Spider asked drily.
"And naughty nurses. And candy. Helloooooo, nurse!" Yakko added.
Zane shuddered and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his blue jeans. "What does this have to do with us? And I would like to point out that I am in no way going to be the naughty nurse."
"But you have the legs for it!" Yakko said, cocking his head and causing his dreadlocks to spill over his shoulder.
"He has one too many legs," Spider muttered.
"We could cut it off." Yakko reached into his hammerspace and pulled out a comically large pair of scissors.
"No one is cutting anything off!" Zane reflexively doubled over and covered his crotch. "My girlfriend likes my third leg!" He clapped a hand over his mouth and glared at Spider. "I am blaming you for making me say that."
"Guilty as charged." Spider shrugged. "Now that we've gotten the Zane Trauma portion of the evening done, what do you want, Yakko?"
Yakko's eyes went wide. "Does this mean we can't traumatize Zane anymore?"
"Yes," Zane said flatly.
"Well, maybe if it's funny..." Spider's tone was thoughtful.
"I'm going to take my toys and leave," Zane threatened.
"But candy!" Yakko said. "Candy candy candy!"
Spider turned to Zane. "I think he wants to go trick-or-treating. Have you ever been?"
Zane shook his head. "Momma would never let me go. And no one ever came to our house. Of course, she was a witch, so I guess that was probably why. You never went, did you?"
"Also no." Spider ran his hands through his spiky black hair. "Cass might have taken me if I'd asked, but I didn't want to bother him. And, like, who would ever come to our house? Dad would have put razor blades in the apples."
"I thought that was an urban myth or something," Zane said.
"And that's why no one would be expecting it," Spider replied. "He's a fan of the classics."
"Can we go? Pleeeeaaaaase?" Yakko turned the full force of his SPCA-ad sad spaniel eyes on Spider. "Oh!" he exclaimed. He pulled a radio out of his hammerspace, hit a button, then flashed The Eyes to Spider while "Angel" came from the radio.
Spider stuck his fingers in his ears. "Dammit, Yakko, I thought we talked about this! My garden is a Sarah McLachlan-free zone!"
"But caaaannnndyyyyy," Yakko whimpered.
"Turn. It. Offffff." Spider's eyes were dangerously close to turning black.
Yakko stuffed the radio back down his pants.
Spider stroked his chin. As he did, a beard emerged from his face, growing progressively longer with each stroke. "You know, I could turn us all into kids again. We'd need an adult chaperone, though."
"Why are you rubbing your chin like that?" Zane asked.
"I dunno. People in books always do it when they're thinking, like it's supposed to help or something."
"Does it?"
"Not really. Although..." The beard disappeared. "I could grow anything if I wanted to."
"Aaaand I bet Ruth and Jez would come out with us," Zane suggested.
"Yay candy!" Yakko jumped up and down, his dreadlocks bobbing. "We need costumes! Cool costumes! Cool costumes get the best candy! What do you want to be?"
With a gut-wrenching twist, the three of them were children again. "Ruth! Jez!" Zane called.
The Hula Zombies appeared in a flash. Jez looked down at Zane. "So what flash of brilliance is this now?"
"Trick-or-treating for candy!" Yakko cheered.
"Will you chaperone us?" Zane asked.
"Do we get a cut of the loot?" Jez replied.
Ruth pulled Jez aside and they held a quiet conversation.
"Are they going to take us?" Yakko asked.
Spider's tiny wings flapped lazily. "'This is one of the weirder things Zane has asked us to do.' 'Free candy, though. And it could be fun.' 'Is spending the evening with Li'l Death times two and the goofball really the best use of our time?' 'What else are we doing? I know it's Poker Night, but Binky always cheats, and he gets pissed when we call him on it.' 'Well, if you put it like that, we are already dressed for Halloween.'"
"Don't eavesdrop!" Zane said.
"Like anyone should expect any privacy in my garden," Spider said.
"Occasionally, it'd be nice if what happened in your garden stayed in your garden," Zane muttered.
"Like the snake wrestling?" Yakko asked. "Or hide the sock?" Yakko pulled his waistband away from his torso. "My sock is much smaller now," he said sadly.
Zane fought the urge to check himself. He looked over, and Spider was stroking his chin. Zane winced.
"So what are you going as?" Zane asked Spider. "You have little wings. You could be an an--" He cut himself off when he caught Spider's glare. "An... Um... An aaaaannnnemone, is what I was going to say. Not the other thing. That would be silly." He thought for a moment. "We could both go as Reapers. Those are scary, right?"
They all laughed. "I have an idea for you, Zane!" Spider said.
"That's okay!" Zane blurted. He squeezed his eyes closed and felt his clothes change. He was afraid to look.
"Bad Spider," Jez said, trying not to laugh. "Just for that, I'm taking all your caramels."
"Zaney-Waney looks silly," Yakko said.
Zane felt a suspicious breeze on his butt, and when he went to feel it, he heard the creak of leather. His ears hurt, and he reached up and felt several bits of metal stabbed through his ears. He snapped at Spider, "What did you do to me?!"
A mirror appeared before Zane. "So. Much. Leather," Zane gulped. "I don't think I've ever worn a shirt with so many buckles before. Or leather pants with no butt. And why do I have half a hardware store crammed through my ears?"
Spider tilted his head. "I dunno. I think it's a good look for you. I hear BDSM is all the rage right now. Fifty Shades of Black."
Ruth rescued Zane. "Spider, I don't think that's an appropriate costume for a child."
"Or a teenager. Or an adult," Zane said. "Fix it!" When he saw Spider's impish grin, he realized he should have been more specific.
Scratchy wool irritated his throat. The sweater and sensible khaki trousers were an improvement, but barely. The pattern knitted into the sweater was garish, and the whole thing was a size too large. For some reason, he was holding a small container of chocolate pudding.
"Pudding!" Yakko cheered. He snatched it away from Zane and peeled off the cover.
"Don't you need a spoon?" Ruth asked.
"Why?" Yakko held it up to his mouth and swiped the pudding out with his tongue.
"No littering," Spider warned before Yakko could toss the empty plastic cup over his shoulder onto the lawn. Yakko shoved it down his pants instead.
"If you guys want any candy, you're going to have to get serious and pick real costumes," Ruth said, adjusting her coconut bra.
"Yay costumes!" Yakko said. He turned himself into Chewbacca.
"I promise I'll dress you right this time," Spider said to Zane. "Tell me what you want to be."
"You first," Zane said warily.
Spider shrugged. In a flash, he was wearing a pair of black pants and a black suit jacket. There wasn't a shirt, but his chest was adorned with several tribal tattoos. His head was bald, and he had a spider tattooed high on his forehead over his right eye. He was wearing weird mismatched glasses; the right lens was round and red, while the left lens was a narrow green rectangle.
"Who are you?" Yakko asked.
Spider stuck his tongue out. "Spider Jerusalem."
"That's cheating," Zane complained. "If you can go as you, I get to go as the Grim Reaper, On a Pale Horse, Zane-from-Piers-Anthony Zane."
"GrraaAAAaarrrraaAAwww!" Yakko growled helpfully.
"I almost like him better this way," Spider said to no one in particular.
Yakko turned into a two-dimensional cartoon. "Are we all going as ourselves?"
"No," Spider said. "Technically, I'm not Spider Jerusalem, I'm just named for him, but I'm not a misanthropic journalist. Zane was named for a character, but he's a Reaper too, so that counts and he can't go as Zane-the-character because it's cheating." He glanced at Yakko. "You can turn back into Chewbacca again if you want."
"I wanna be Han! He shot first!" Yakko ran around the garden making "pew pew pew" noises.
"Why don't you be Greedo and I'll be Han?" Spider called.
"I wanna be a fireman," Zane said definitively.
"Okay," Spider shrugged. The itchy sweater went away, and Zane was happy that it was replaced with a fireman jacket and a big red hard hat.
Zane figured he was better off not telling Spider how weird it looked to have the badass misanthropic journalist with adorable little wings poking out from his back. "We can go now," he said.
It was a sunny summer day in Spider's garden. The vibrant purple irises and the violet hydrangeas and indigo lupines sprang from the flowerbeds, bright yellow daisies and brilliant red poppies filling the spaces in between. The air was perfumed with a dozen different scents that all melded perfectly, with a bottom note of the roses that twisted through the trellis. The fountain burbled merrily, and the grass was as soft as velvet. Bees and butterflies buzzed and flitted from blossom to blossom. The garden rivaled Kew and Versailles.
Mostly because Spider wanted it to.
Yakko appeared in the garden with an audible pop. "Hey, guys! Guess what time it is!"
Zane looked down at his wrist. It was an automatic gesture; he'd never actually worn a watch.
Spider breathed a sigh of relief that Zane was visiting, and not Max. Yakko had a knack for showing up when Spider and Max were in... compromising positions. Oohhhh yeah.
"What time is it, Yakko?" Spider and Zane asked together.
"It's Halloween time! Did you know there's candy? And bobbing for apples? And candy? And trick-or-treating? And candy? And haunted houses? And candy? And candy?"
"So... there's candy, then?" Spider asked drily.
"And naughty nurses. And candy. Helloooooo, nurse!" Yakko added.
Zane shuddered and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his blue jeans. "What does this have to do with us? And I would like to point out that I am in no way going to be the naughty nurse."
"But you have the legs for it!" Yakko said, cocking his head and causing his dreadlocks to spill over his shoulder.
"He has one too many legs," Spider muttered.
"We could cut it off." Yakko reached into his hammerspace and pulled out a comically large pair of scissors.
"No one is cutting anything off!" Zane reflexively doubled over and covered his crotch. "My girlfriend likes my third leg!" He clapped a hand over his mouth and glared at Spider. "I am blaming you for making me say that."
"Guilty as charged." Spider shrugged. "Now that we've gotten the Zane Trauma portion of the evening done, what do you want, Yakko?"
Yakko's eyes went wide. "Does this mean we can't traumatize Zane anymore?"
"Yes," Zane said flatly.
"Well, maybe if it's funny..." Spider's tone was thoughtful.
"I'm going to take my toys and leave," Zane threatened.
"But candy!" Yakko said. "Candy candy candy!"
Spider turned to Zane. "I think he wants to go trick-or-treating. Have you ever been?"
Zane shook his head. "Momma would never let me go. And no one ever came to our house. Of course, she was a witch, so I guess that was probably why. You never went, did you?"
"Also no." Spider ran his hands through his spiky black hair. "Cass might have taken me if I'd asked, but I didn't want to bother him. And, like, who would ever come to our house? Dad would have put razor blades in the apples."
"I thought that was an urban myth or something," Zane said.
"And that's why no one would be expecting it," Spider replied. "He's a fan of the classics."
"Can we go? Pleeeeaaaaase?" Yakko turned the full force of his SPCA-ad sad spaniel eyes on Spider. "Oh!" he exclaimed. He pulled a radio out of his hammerspace, hit a button, then flashed The Eyes to Spider while "Angel" came from the radio.
Spider stuck his fingers in his ears. "Dammit, Yakko, I thought we talked about this! My garden is a Sarah McLachlan-free zone!"
"But caaaannnndyyyyy," Yakko whimpered.
"Turn. It. Offffff." Spider's eyes were dangerously close to turning black.
Yakko stuffed the radio back down his pants.
Spider stroked his chin. As he did, a beard emerged from his face, growing progressively longer with each stroke. "You know, I could turn us all into kids again. We'd need an adult chaperone, though."
"Why are you rubbing your chin like that?" Zane asked.
"I dunno. People in books always do it when they're thinking, like it's supposed to help or something."
"Does it?"
"Not really. Although..." The beard disappeared. "I could grow anything if I wanted to."
"Aaaand I bet Ruth and Jez would come out with us," Zane suggested.
"Yay candy!" Yakko jumped up and down, his dreadlocks bobbing. "We need costumes! Cool costumes! Cool costumes get the best candy! What do you want to be?"
With a gut-wrenching twist, the three of them were children again. "Ruth! Jez!" Zane called.
The Hula Zombies appeared in a flash. Jez looked down at Zane. "So what flash of brilliance is this now?"
"Trick-or-treating for candy!" Yakko cheered.
"Will you chaperone us?" Zane asked.
"Do we get a cut of the loot?" Jez replied.
Ruth pulled Jez aside and they held a quiet conversation.
"Are they going to take us?" Yakko asked.
Spider's tiny wings flapped lazily. "'This is one of the weirder things Zane has asked us to do.' 'Free candy, though. And it could be fun.' 'Is spending the evening with Li'l Death times two and the goofball really the best use of our time?' 'What else are we doing? I know it's Poker Night, but Binky always cheats, and he gets pissed when we call him on it.' 'Well, if you put it like that, we are already dressed for Halloween.'"
"Don't eavesdrop!" Zane said.
"Like anyone should expect any privacy in my garden," Spider said.
"Occasionally, it'd be nice if what happened in your garden stayed in your garden," Zane muttered.
"Like the snake wrestling?" Yakko asked. "Or hide the sock?" Yakko pulled his waistband away from his torso. "My sock is much smaller now," he said sadly.
Zane fought the urge to check himself. He looked over, and Spider was stroking his chin. Zane winced.
"So what are you going as?" Zane asked Spider. "You have little wings. You could be an an--" He cut himself off when he caught Spider's glare. "An... Um... An aaaaannnnemone, is what I was going to say. Not the other thing. That would be silly." He thought for a moment. "We could both go as Reapers. Those are scary, right?"
They all laughed. "I have an idea for you, Zane!" Spider said.
"That's okay!" Zane blurted. He squeezed his eyes closed and felt his clothes change. He was afraid to look.
"Bad Spider," Jez said, trying not to laugh. "Just for that, I'm taking all your caramels."
"Zaney-Waney looks silly," Yakko said.
Zane felt a suspicious breeze on his butt, and when he went to feel it, he heard the creak of leather. His ears hurt, and he reached up and felt several bits of metal stabbed through his ears. He snapped at Spider, "What did you do to me?!"
A mirror appeared before Zane. "So. Much. Leather," Zane gulped. "I don't think I've ever worn a shirt with so many buckles before. Or leather pants with no butt. And why do I have half a hardware store crammed through my ears?"
Spider tilted his head. "I dunno. I think it's a good look for you. I hear BDSM is all the rage right now. Fifty Shades of Black."
Ruth rescued Zane. "Spider, I don't think that's an appropriate costume for a child."
"Or a teenager. Or an adult," Zane said. "Fix it!" When he saw Spider's impish grin, he realized he should have been more specific.
Scratchy wool irritated his throat. The sweater and sensible khaki trousers were an improvement, but barely. The pattern knitted into the sweater was garish, and the whole thing was a size too large. For some reason, he was holding a small container of chocolate pudding.
"Pudding!" Yakko cheered. He snatched it away from Zane and peeled off the cover.
"Don't you need a spoon?" Ruth asked.
"Why?" Yakko held it up to his mouth and swiped the pudding out with his tongue.
"No littering," Spider warned before Yakko could toss the empty plastic cup over his shoulder onto the lawn. Yakko shoved it down his pants instead.
"If you guys want any candy, you're going to have to get serious and pick real costumes," Ruth said, adjusting her coconut bra.
"Yay costumes!" Yakko said. He turned himself into Chewbacca.
"I promise I'll dress you right this time," Spider said to Zane. "Tell me what you want to be."
"You first," Zane said warily.
Spider shrugged. In a flash, he was wearing a pair of black pants and a black suit jacket. There wasn't a shirt, but his chest was adorned with several tribal tattoos. His head was bald, and he had a spider tattooed high on his forehead over his right eye. He was wearing weird mismatched glasses; the right lens was round and red, while the left lens was a narrow green rectangle.
"Who are you?" Yakko asked.
Spider stuck his tongue out. "Spider Jerusalem."
"That's cheating," Zane complained. "If you can go as you, I get to go as the Grim Reaper, On a Pale Horse, Zane-from-Piers-Anthony Zane."
"GrraaAAAaarrrraaAAwww!" Yakko growled helpfully.
"I almost like him better this way," Spider said to no one in particular.
Yakko turned into a two-dimensional cartoon. "Are we all going as ourselves?"
"No," Spider said. "Technically, I'm not Spider Jerusalem, I'm just named for him, but I'm not a misanthropic journalist. Zane was named for a character, but he's a Reaper too, so that counts and he can't go as Zane-the-character because it's cheating." He glanced at Yakko. "You can turn back into Chewbacca again if you want."
"I wanna be Han! He shot first!" Yakko ran around the garden making "pew pew pew" noises.
"Why don't you be Greedo and I'll be Han?" Spider called.
"I wanna be a fireman," Zane said definitively.
"Okay," Spider shrugged. The itchy sweater went away, and Zane was happy that it was replaced with a fireman jacket and a big red hard hat.
Zane figured he was better off not telling Spider how weird it looked to have the badass misanthropic journalist with adorable little wings poking out from his back. "We can go now," he said.