very backdated.
Midnight:4/22-4//23
"why is this my life right now?"
this is the question I've been asking myself over and over again for the past two weeks. it's really weird to be in a place where the emotion of jealousy or something like it comes up. i feel like it's a stupid emotion and i make the conscious decision to block out those ideas as they come into my head but for some reason i'm still feeling "bothered" right now. i don't think i can even capture (can i ever) how i feel right now into one word. i'm so fucking excited about everything now and i can't wait for sarah to come and visit in a week and a half. and i'm ecstatic that cyfk and nysd/earth day are over with --> they were powerful but way too(!) exhausting. i feel so connected to everything but myself right now. my handwriting sucks and i'm tired out of mind but i can't stop thinking. when i got off the plane tonight i couldn't stop thinking about joy and g and amber and how much i adore that whole crew and how excited i am to be a part of it all. finally, we all keep saying...but then we all come back to the point that we've all changed so much this year that it's preposterous to even think we all would have gotten along this fably in the beginning of the year. in thinking about my city year i realized i would never have been able to have an experience at all like this anywhere else. how else would i have realized my obsession with mechanics and enviro science. i really am thankful to everyone actively in my life right now, and all of my mentors too...i've been thinking about all of the people who've affected me in my process of becoming who i am today and it's crazy to try to conceptualize. i really do hope i'm making a difference to some of the kids i'm working with. i feel like my cyfk team really loved me and i feel like i could really affect them in the long run. just by being here and giving them hugs and telling them they're amazing, i feel like that could be enough at such a tender age of 5th and 6th grade. at that age i was so awkward. hell, i'm still kinda awkward but honestly, i don't know many people who aren't.
funny, on the ride home from the airport tonight, my dad made a comment about something not being "normal" and it really hit me how much i've changed when i responded very confidently "what's normal anyway dad?". it made me happy to be able to really voice an opinion (as simple as it was) around him. i really find him so intimidating, even now. getting into touch with my raw father/daughter emotions is a really intense experience. i don't think i'm quite ready to come completely to terms with everything that happened. but it's ok...i feel like i know the time will come and i'm just biding my time for my comfort level to increase with him and our story.
oh life.
i'll have to write more some other time this weekend, i'm passing out already.
"why is this my life right now?"
this is the question I've been asking myself over and over again for the past two weeks. it's really weird to be in a place where the emotion of jealousy or something like it comes up. i feel like it's a stupid emotion and i make the conscious decision to block out those ideas as they come into my head but for some reason i'm still feeling "bothered" right now. i don't think i can even capture (can i ever) how i feel right now into one word. i'm so fucking excited about everything now and i can't wait for sarah to come and visit in a week and a half. and i'm ecstatic that cyfk and nysd/earth day are over with --> they were powerful but way too(!) exhausting. i feel so connected to everything but myself right now. my handwriting sucks and i'm tired out of mind but i can't stop thinking. when i got off the plane tonight i couldn't stop thinking about joy and g and amber and how much i adore that whole crew and how excited i am to be a part of it all. finally, we all keep saying...but then we all come back to the point that we've all changed so much this year that it's preposterous to even think we all would have gotten along this fably in the beginning of the year. in thinking about my city year i realized i would never have been able to have an experience at all like this anywhere else. how else would i have realized my obsession with mechanics and enviro science. i really am thankful to everyone actively in my life right now, and all of my mentors too...i've been thinking about all of the people who've affected me in my process of becoming who i am today and it's crazy to try to conceptualize. i really do hope i'm making a difference to some of the kids i'm working with. i feel like my cyfk team really loved me and i feel like i could really affect them in the long run. just by being here and giving them hugs and telling them they're amazing, i feel like that could be enough at such a tender age of 5th and 6th grade. at that age i was so awkward. hell, i'm still kinda awkward but honestly, i don't know many people who aren't.
funny, on the ride home from the airport tonight, my dad made a comment about something not being "normal" and it really hit me how much i've changed when i responded very confidently "what's normal anyway dad?". it made me happy to be able to really voice an opinion (as simple as it was) around him. i really find him so intimidating, even now. getting into touch with my raw father/daughter emotions is a really intense experience. i don't think i'm quite ready to come completely to terms with everything that happened. but it's ok...i feel like i know the time will come and i'm just biding my time for my comfort level to increase with him and our story.
oh life.
i'll have to write more some other time this weekend, i'm passing out already.