fic; shine on the world
Title: Shine on the world
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Summary: They’ve spent many Christmases together, and Kame wants to hold onto the hope that this won’t be the last.
Author's Note: 8719 words. For reel_johnny's mini-reel challenge, where we had to write a fic inspired by a music video instead of a movie. I chose KAT-TUN’s White Xmas PV and I really, really love how this ended up. :) It might be one of my personal favorite fics. :3 Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! ♥
“I found her,” he says quietly into the dark, into their comfortable silence, and Kame’s heart sinks into his stomach.
***
“You can make it, right?” Kame questions and forces the blatant hope out of his voice. He holds his phone tighter in his hand.
“I told you I’d be there,” Jin answers, only a little impatient. Then, softer, “I’ll be there. I promise.”
Kame shuts his eyes and hopes.
Jin’s never been good with promises.
***
His first kiss was when he was in year one, with Sayaka-chan. She had pink bows wrapped around her pigtails. She pushed him into the dirt afterward, and he had never tried again.
His first kiss with Jin, Kame pushes Jin out of his bed. His eyes are wide and his lips are still warm from Jin’s, and Jin is staring up at him from the floor and whining because it’s cold, and what did you do that for?!
Kame wants to say, Why did you kiss me?! but instead he holds out a hand and Jin takes it, climbs back up into Kame’s bed. Jin’s arms are lanky, bony, and his elbow digs into Kame’s sides and it’s so uncomfortable, but Jin doesn’t seem to mind, holding onto Kame like he’ll fall out again otherwise.
Kame’s heart is a hammer in his chest.
Jin kisses him again, but Kame doesn’t push him away this time.
“Merry Christmas,” Jin says afterward, in terrible, accented English, and that stupid, lopsided grin.
Kame is thirteen.
***
Jin shines. He shined when Kame first met him, at their audition years ago, when Kame felt out of place in his striped jersey pants while everyone else had cool, dyed hair, and their ears pierced, and knew how to dance. Jin was one of those kids, but he looked normal like Kame, with flat hair and no piercings. It was just his attitude that made him stand out from the rest, because he laughed big and wide and uninhibited and he didn’t look one bit like he was scared.
Jin shines now under the glowing streetlamps of the empty park down the street from the jimusho. He drags Kame there after their meeting, a warm, gloved hand wrapped around Kame’s wrist. Kame follows wordlessly although his mind spins with questions, but before he can even voice one, Jin stops next to a clump of pine trees, hidden from the path, and turns and kisses Kame soundly on the lips.
Kame’s shivering from the cold but Jin’s lips on his makes him incredibly warm, too warm, in fact, under his thick coat and layers underneath, and scarf wrapped around his neck. He reaches out his free hand and clutches to Jin’s waist and kisses back and Jin makes this tiny, happy noise in the back of his throat.
All around them, enveloping them, is glittering white snow.
***
She’s Japanese. It surprises Kame, at first, because he always imagined it’d end up being a blonde-haired, blue-eyed foreigner that would capture Jin’s heart.
“She’s pretty,” he says, eventually, and it’s like pulling teeth. He wants to delete the picture from Jin’s phone.
Jin makes a noise of agreement, stares at the photo a little longer, and when Kame risks a look at his face, it’s full of fondness, affection. Once, Jin looked at him like that.
“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?” Kame says, once Jin’s put his phone back onto the bedside table, and has replaced it in his hand with a pack of cigarettes. Kame reaches out and bums one from him.
“I thought you quit,” Jin says, handing him the lighter.
Kame doesn’t answer. The nicotine takes away pain.
***
He probably shouldn’t. He knows Jin isn’t going to, so Kame shouldn’t. It would probably make it awkward. Jin would probably refuse, shove it back into Kame’s hands.
He buys it anyway.
It’s a silver chain, with a simple loop pendant studded with diamonds. When it catches the light, it shines.
***
It is their first Christmas apart, and Kame doesn’t have the courage to call him. He still remembers the harsh words and the bitter taste in his mouth from the last they were together, months ago.
Every minute of that slow, excruciating day, he hopes that Jin will call or message him first.
He never does.
***
Kame rolls out of bed. It’s cold away from the covers. He looks for the sweatpants Jin had thrown somewhere; finds them just outside the bedroom door.
“Where are you going?” Jin asks. He’s lying back against the wooden headboard. His hair is long and falls to his bare shoulders. The sheets cover him haphazardly and his leg sticks out from one end.
“Shower,” Kame answers around his cigarette.
“Come back,” Jin coaxes in that voice he uses when he wants something; when he knows he’ll get it.
Kame stares at him from the doorway. He wants to refuse but then he’s already sliding back into bed.
“You never answered my question,” Kame says, after five minutes of silence and Jin’s fingers tracing mindless patterns across his hip.
“What question?” Jin says, exhales a smoky breath and kisses Kame’s skin, the cigarette dangling dangerously between his beautiful, slim fingers.
Kame glances at the clock on the bedside table. It glows 12:08 AM. It’s Christmas Eve.
***
He checks his watch to see it’s just a few minutes after eight, and he’s glad that work managed to end early. He doesn’t want to be late. This might be his last chance.
Outside it’s snowing peacefully. Kame wraps his scarf around his neck and stuffs his hands into his coat pockets, feels the slim box inside and curls his fingers around it as he walks toward their meeting place.
Christmas lights hang from the trees, along awnings of tiny shops down the sidewalks, tangled up like vines on streetlamps. They dance in the darkness, make Tokyo seem brighter, happier, and make Kame feel stronger, braver.
He picks up his pace, heading toward the jimusho, toward the park where, years ago, when everything was perfect and beautiful and right between them, Jin had pulled him beside the trees and kissed him breathlessly under the dark, glittering night sky.
This is his last chance.
***
Jin feels different since the last time, and yet he’s completely the same. Kame wraps his arms around Jin’s back, feels the muscles move beneath his fingertips, the gained weight around his middle that Jin hasn’t quite shed yet despite management’s orders. Kame doesn’t care, thinks Jin looks even more beautiful now than ever before, and he trails his hands around everywhere he can reach.
He feels happier than he has in ages, and the words fall out of his lips before he can really think about whether he should say them.
“I missed you.”
Jin stills in his arms, and instantly sirens go off in Kame’s head. He thinks he said the wrong thing, wracks his brain to figure out how to fix it, and when Jin rolls off of him, out of bed, Kame’s screaming at himself.
“Jin--” he starts but Jin ignores him, fiddling around under the bed and Kame sits up, curiosity replacing his anxiety.
Jin pops back up with a mid-sized box in his hands and climbs back onto the bed. Jin thrusts the box into Kame’s chest. Kame catches it before it falls to the floor and looks at Jin in bewilderment.
Jin is staring fixedly at Kame’s knee. He rubs his nose and says, “It’s for you. It’s um, your Christmas present.”
Kame’s eyes widen. Jin fidgets for a few seconds and then reaches to grab it back. “Well, if you don’t want it--”
Kame pulls the box out of his reach and Jin ends up flopping across his legs. Kame laughs and sets the box onto Jin’s back.
“Aren’t you gonna open it?” Jin huffs, and Kame takes his slow time in opening the tape around the box, wondering what he’s going to find inside.
He snorts when he pulls out a white t-shirt that says I ♥ L.A. across the front in big letters. “Very classy, Jin,” he remarks, and Jin pokes his knee with a fingernail. He also finds a couple of bags of various American candy, kinds that they don’t have here, and Jin mumbles, “You probably shouldn’t eat those, now. Probably. They’re like a year old, now.”
Kame smiles down at Jin’s bed-hair and listens as Jin speaks. “I was gonna send it to you so you’d get it around Christmas last year,” he explains, still not quite meeting Kame’s eyes. “But then I forgot.”
Kame shakes his head. “Figures,” he says.
“Then I tried to call you, but you never called me, and so I never ended up sending the package either and--”
Kame feels his gut twist painfully, remembering just how long he waited for Jin to contact him, how tempted he was to do it himself but ended up not having the courage, and now, to see that Jin had wanted to, had even gotten him these gifts, makes him feel like an asshole.
He cuts off Jin’s rambling with his mouth, because, in all honesty, they’ve always been better at communicating like this anyway, and he knows that Jin can understand what wants to say.
Sometime later, when they’re both breathless and Jin’s got Kame pinned against the bed again, the box on the floor and the candy packages pressed awkwardly under Kame’s legs, Kame says, “Forget about that. It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re back.”
Jin’s smile is beautiful. When Jin smiles, he shines.
“I’m back,” he agrees, and when their lips meet, Kame sees stars.
***
Their breaths are visible in the cold, crisp air, and the tip of Jin’s nose is pink. He has that dopey grin on his face that Kame’s sure is mirrored on his. His heart races and he squeezes Jin’s hand that is still holding onto his.
“You dragged me all the way out here for this?” he asks, only out of curiosity, not because he minded. Far, far from that.
“Maybe,” Jin says, and kicks at the snow around their feet. “Cause, you know, we won’t be able to hang out this Christmas. And we haven’t seen each other a whole lot, what with your thing with stupid Pi and--”
“You’re not still angry about that, are you?” Kame asks with a sigh.
“NO,” Jin says quickly and then, under Kame’s dubious stare, caves and adds, “...Yes. But only a little!” He flushes and kicks at the ground again. Snow flies around and covers the toes of their boots.
“Stupid,” Kame chides affectionately, and hugs Jin around the waist, laughing when Jin squirms and kicks away in embarrassment. His face is impossibly red, and Kame knows it’s not from the biting cold.
***
It’s two days after Christmas, and the streets are still illuminated with unending decorations. It’s his only day off for the whole holiday season and Kame should be sitting at home and resting, but instead found himself walking down the streets, taking in the beautiful sights and the unusual calm of a Tokyo evening.
He’s thinking of heading to his favorite ramen shop for an early dinner when his eyes fall on a familiar figure staring into the window of a small jewelry shop. He’s wearing that god-awful purple knit cap and a leather jacket over his too-long jeans.
Kame’s heart beats faster at the sight of him.
Before he can gather the courage to say hi, or decide if he should just walk right past him, Jin turns in his direction and stops in his tracks when he sees Kame.
Only a little nervously, Kame steps up to him and says, “Hi, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” Seven months, to be exact, but Kame doesn’t keep track.
Jin swallows, nods. “Yeah, it has,” he says and his voice is soft and wondrous, like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. He reaches out suddenly, as if to touch Kame’s face, and then realizes what he’s doing and shoves his hand into his pocket.
Kame’s heart aches.
He clears his throat and says, as bravely as he can, “I was going to get something to eat. If you haven’t had dinner yet...um, do you want to go with me?”
Jin’s eyes are big and bright. They shine brighter than the Christmas lights. He nods quickly. “Sure,” he says, and the clear excitement in his voice makes Kame’s face split into a grin.
“G-Great,” he says. “I know just the place.”
***
His mother yanks the blankets off them in the morning in her attempt to wake them up. She laughs at the sight of them, curled together, and says, “Breakfast in ten. Better get up if you want any!”
Jin is shivering next to him, his arms still wrapped around Kame’s waist from when they fell asleep last night. “Cold,” he mutters into Kame’s neck, but Kame only feels Jin’s unending warmth spreading throughout his body. He snuggles closer.
“We should get up,” he says after a moment, even though he would much rather just stay here with Jin for as long as he can.
“Don’t wanna,” Jin mumbles and hugs Kame tighter. Kame’s heart soars.
Five minutes later, Kame’s mother screams, “Boys!” down the hall and Jin groans, shifts.
“Okay,” he says. “My arm is falling asleep. You have to move.”
Kame takes his slow time in doing so, and Jin winces a little as he pulls his arm out from where Kame had been using it as a pillow.
“Ow,” he whines and Kame feels this urge to kiss his pouting lips.
And that’s when he remembers. The kiss. His eyes widen and he looks away from Jin quickly. Jin doesn’t seem to notice, sliding out of bed and heading for the door.
Kame, heart racing, says quickly, “Jin.”
Jin pauses and turns back to him with expectant eyes.
Kame licks his lips, thinks about whether he should bring it up.
In the end, he just shakes his head, grins, and says, “Never mind.”
***
Kame should stop him.
Jin’s touch is soft and slow, fingers trailing around his waist, leaving a hot trail in their wake.
Jin’s kiss is gentle and deep, lips fitting together with Kame’s like puzzle pieces and tasting like cigarettes, making arousal stir low in his stomach.
Jin’s voice is molten gold, rich and beautiful and coaxing, and Kame, Kame has never been able to say no.
Jin’s an addiction.
Kame should stop him, should make him answer his question, should get out of bed right now.
He should do all those things, but it’s so much easier to just give in once again.
***
“How’ve you been?” Kame asks, reaching for his mug of beer. “Congratulations on your America tour, by the way.”
Jin flushes as deep as the red paint on the walls of the small, ramen restaurant. “T-Thanks,” he says and hastily takes a gulp of his beer. “I’m good,” he says. “The tour was amazing.” He grins widely and instantly the tension is broken.
Kame grins back. “Good to hear,” he says. “I might’ve beaten you up if it wasn’t.”
Jin’s face falls and Kame laughs. Jin stares at him perplexed for a moment before he says hesitantly, “You’re not...”
“Of course not,” Kame cuts in, reading Jin’s thoughts like they’re printed across his forehead. “I’m sitting here eating with you, aren’t I?”
Jin’s lips quirk at the corners. “How do I know you’re not planning to ditch me halfway through and make me pay for you, too?”
Kame snorts. “It’s good to see your idiocy hasn’t changed in all these months.”
“Hey!” Jin exclaims and, as he joins in on Kame’s responding laughter, Kame feels a little like that tiny, missing puzzle piece has fit itself back into his heart.
***
Kame laughs at him, at Jin’s bright red face even in the darkness of the park, hidden as they are next to the trees.
Jin huffs, snatching his hand out from Kame’s, and looking all too tempted to stomp his feet. He reminds Kame of a three-year-old, but Jin has always been a bit of a child.
Even now he finally cries, “SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!” and seems to be contemplating shoving Kame into the snow.
Kame merely laughs harder, doubling over from the force of it, and Jin is grumbling and moaning and crying, until Kame finally gathers himself, a large, happy grin on his face. Jin’s expression is sour and he is trying to burn Kame’s head with his eyes, but Kame just takes Jin’s face in his mittened hands and says gleefully, “No, you don’t. You just kissed me. You LOVE me.”
And Jin’s blush returns with full force.
***
He remembers that day vividly, a movie playing behind his eyes as he walks past that hidden spot beside the trees. He stares at it for a moment, remembering, and wonders why things have changed so drastically since then.
He looks away and continues down the snow-beaten path around the park. There’s an empty bench a couple feet away, staring out over a frozen playground, and Kame heads over. He sits down, pulling the box from his pocket. It’s small, wrapped around with a red ribbon, and he places it gently on the seat beside him.
Shoving his hands back into his pockets, he leans against the bench and looks up at the sky.
Through the slow cascading snowflakes, the stars glimmer in the dark sky.
***
Kame stares at Jin as he eats, stuffing food in his face like he’s starved, and only when Jin catches his eye from across the table does he quickly look away.
Jin kicks him under the table. Kame looks back up and Jin’s staring at him owlishly, with his cheeks all puffed up. What, he’s saying wordlessly, and Kame just shakes his head.
Jin’s a bit like a goldfish, so he just gives Kame a weird look and goes on eating. Kame pokes at his own food but his mind is elsewhere.
He can’t forget Jin’s kiss.
Something must be wrong with him, he thinks. But he can’t get it out of his head. And it doesn’t help that Jin is acting as though he never even did it, like it isn’t all his fault that Kame feels entirely confused.
What does this mean, he tries to ask Jin silently. Sometimes he thinks they have telepathy or something, because Jin can read his thoughts with surprising accuracy and Kame’s always been able to understand Jin.
Jin doesn’t seem to notice his question though, and right now, Kame can’t understand Jin at all.
“Kazuya,” his mother says, cutting through his thoughts. “Are you okay? You’re not eating anything.”
Kame nods quickly, ignoring Jin’s worried glance. “I’m fine,” he says and makes an effort to really eat, even though food is the last thing on his mind.
“Well, hurry up,” his mother says. “We have to take Jin-kun back to his parent’s place soon. It’s a little stormy out so I don’t want you boys going alone.”
“I’m sorry for the trouble!” Jin exclaims quickly but Kame’s mother just laughs and pats Jin’s sleep-poofy hair and disappears into the kitchen. When she’s gone, Jin kicks Kame under the table again.
“Stop that,” Kame says, a little harder than he means to. Jin’s eyes widen.
“What’s with you?” Jin grumps back, instantly defensive, and Kame wonders why he’s even caring so much about a kiss from this idiot.
“Sorry,” Kame mumbles and Jin stares at him strangely for a moment before he jumps up, grabs Kame’s hand and yanks him back toward his bedroom, ignoring Kame’s questioning yelps.
The door shuts after them and Kame is pushed back against it and for a second he thinks wildly that Jin’s going to beat him up.
Instead, Jin’s eyes soften and he grins that stupid, lop-sided grin of his, and he leans in and kisses him.
Kame’s mind spins, spins, spins, and he clutches onto the front of Jin’s t-shirt tightly with his hands, all his anger and confusion instantly gone with the sweet taste of Jin’s lips against his.
And he thinks, for a moment, that this might just be all that he’ll ever need.
***
Once more, he thinks as he pulls Jin against him, warm and solid and perfect, bodies sliding together along the bedsheets.
Just once more.
***
“I thought you’d be in L.A.,” Kame says.
“I’m going back in a few weeks,” Jin replies around a mouthful of ramen, and Kame smiles at the familiarity. “I’m here to meet with management.” He swallows and grins. “I’m switching labels.”
Kame’s eyes widen. “You’re leaving Johnny’s?” he asks, incredulous.
Jin snorts. “Yeah, right,” he says. “As if they’d let me do that.” He laughs. “I’m the wild card, remember? The guinea pig.”
Kame smirks a little. It’s true. “Then what?”
“Just switching to Warner instead. They’re an international label, so it’ll be easier in the future, if--when things work out.”
Kame almost laughs at Jin’s correction. It’s so Jin, to have that kind of outlook. He misses it, a little, if he’s honest with himself. Kame is more rational, worrying over the little things. Jin is the dreamer, determined that everything will work out only until it doesn’t, and even then he manages to keep his positivity.
“That’s really great,” he says honestly. I’m proud of you, he wants to say but can’t get the words to form in his mouth. He takes a giant mouthful of ramen and says instead, “I’m happy for you.” It’s close enough.
Jin beams. “I’m really happy too,” he says and it’s obvious in his bright eyes, his casual and easygoing demeanor. He looks healthy and glowing and it’s beautiful.
Kame didn’t realize just how much he’s missed him until right now.
***
He’s slammed up against the door that shuts behind him but before he even has the chance to bitch about it, Jin’s descending on him with wet lips and persistent tongue and Kame’s never been able to resist that, resist him.
He knocks Jin’s fedora to the floor, swallowing Jin’s indignant noise with his mouth, and then curls his fingers into the silky fabric of his costume. They only have a couple of minutes before it starts to get crazy, but a couple of minutes is more than enough. This is probably the only chance they’ll have to be like this for awhile.
Jin pulls away first and says, brightly, with his usual lopsided grin, “Merry Christmas.”
“Was that supposed to be my gift?” Kame deadpans. “Because that was pathetic.”
“I don’t know, you seemed pretty into it,” Jin retorts all smug and infuriatingly sexy, and Kame narrows his eyes. He presses himself up against Kame, hips aligning perfectly and grinds against him for just a moment.
Kame sucks in a breath and steadies him with hands on his waist. “Stop it,” he hisses. “We have to go out and fucking perform soon.”
“I bet I could get you to come before that,” Jin says, dipping down to lick a stripe up Kame’s neck.
Kame hates him. “I bet you couldn’t,” he counters without thinking and Jin rocks against him, pulling a groan from Kame’s throat.
Jin’s eyes are challenging when they look at each other next, and Kame know he’s already lost.
***
Jin’s fingertips leave tiny aching imprints across his skin. Kame breathes out deeply, sliding his own fingers through Jin’s hair. It’s long again, slips easily between his hands. Jin kisses him languidly before he pulls away, rolls off of him and lies on the bed beside him.
Kame feels empty.
He forgot, for a moment, with Jin holding him, all around him, warm and strong and so beautiful, he forgot. And now it all comes rushing back, drowning him in the flood.
He swallows thickly and eyes, eyes on the ceiling, "What are we doing?"
Jin shifts beside him and when he speaks his breath is on Kame’s shoulder. "What are you talking about?"
"You never answered my question." Kame tries not to move toward him, tries to squirm away from Jin’s long fingers trailing up his thigh.
His fingers don’t stop. He mouths Kame’s skin. He really is insatiable. "What was it, again?” he asks, distracted, uncaring.
Kame squeezes his eyes shut. He fists the bedsheets in his hand. He gulps and says quietly, "You said you found her."
Jin’s never been one to hide the truth. He’s blunt. And sometimes it’s excruciating. "I did,” he says, matter-of-fact, because it is.
Kame, for once, wishes Jin could just lie to him. He turns away, completely away, Jin’s hand falling from his body, his breath cooling on his skin. His heart seems like it’s on fire in his chest. He’s waiting for Jin to put it out. "What the fuck, Jin,” he says, his voice surprisingly steady when all he really wants to do is yell. “What the fuck.” He can’t even look at him, he stares at the bedsheets. He should get out, shove Jin out, change them. Do something. Anything.
He licks his lips. “You're going to make me say it, aren't you?" he breathes again, his question, trembling and fragile in the air between them.
Jin reaches out and clasps a warm, strong hand over Kame’s fist in the sheets. He squeezes. Kame still won’t look at him. "I'm not going to make you say anything,” Jin replies, all honesty. Kame hates him. “Nothing's changed, Kame," he says.
Kame looks up into Jin’s hopefully eyes. "Everything has changed,” he says, miserably, and it has.
***
It’s getting colder and steadily darker. Kame pulls his phone from his pocket. It’s 8:45 PM.
He puts his phone away, rubs his gloved hands together. There’s still fifteen minutes before he should start worrying. Maybe he should’ve stopped to get some coffee or something, he thinks, but doesn’t want to chance leaving now, in case he misses him.
He closes his eyes and thinks about all the things he wants to say, wishes he could say, was brave enough to say.
He thinks and thinks and thinks, and, as time trickles on, grows anxious and impatient and utterly terrified.
Because, if he’s honest with himself, which he’s not, he knows, that today, he’s going to lose him.
Except, if he was even more honest with himself, which he’s not, he’d realize he lost him a long time ago.
***
“STOP IT,” Jin cries, furious, and swats at Kame’s hands like a cat.
Laughing, Kame releases him, and frozen ground crunches under his boots as he steps back.
“If you’re gonna keep laughing at me, I’m leaving,” Jin says petulantly.
“Sorry,” Kame giggles, unapologetically, and when Jin glowers at him he schools his expression, bites his lower lip and really tries to reign in his amusement. Jin stares at him dubiously and Kame says, to distract him, “You know we’re still going to see each other for the Music Station special in a few days.”
“So?” Jin demands. “I wanted to see you now. And besides, I can’t do this during stinking Music Station.”
“How cute,” Kame snickers, but it really is.
Jin huffs. “Well, you wouldn’t have done anything. I’m the romantic one in this relationship.”
“Meaning you’re the girl,” Kame replies and just quick glimmer in Jin’s eyes is all he gets in warning before Jin’s tackling him to the ground. Kame shrieks into the night air, pushing at Jin to get him off and trying to scramble out of the cold, but Jin just laughs loudly and pins Kame into the snow with this triumphant grin that makes Kame instantly feel warmer.
They don’t usually say these words, and they’ve both each done it once. Kame doesn’t really remember when he did, what had propelled him to do it, but it was a few months, maybe, after they’d first kissed. So many years ago.
Jin said it later, sometime after that, all indignantly embarrassed about it afterward, and hid his face in the pillows.
He looks up at Jin now, older in appearance but still the same, silly, easily excited and ambitious boy from when they first met. And his heart beats faster just thinking about it, before he even says it, the words, pulling Jin down to kiss him afterward.
“I love you.”
***
Kame pushes Jin away when he remembers that they’re technically not alone, that his parents and brothers are all just down the hall. Jin doesn’t let go right away, whining into Kame’s mouth, and Kame kisses him back once more, a little awkward and uncertainly, because he doesn’t really know what he’s doing and is glad that Jin does (or seems to).
Jin has this triumphant look on his face, the kind he gets whenever he successfully manages to go through a dance routine without stumbling or forgetting a step. “Is that all you wanted?” he asks. “Is that what you were being all weird about?”
Kame feels a little self-conscious but nods. “Well, you did it so randomly last night!” he mutters in defense. “And then act like nothing happened.”
“Stupid,” Jin says and tries to kiss him again but Kame frantically shoves him away.
“Stop it! My parents might catch us!” he whispers and Jin pouts, looking as though that’s a lame excuse, but he doesn’t try again. Kame stares at him, at his big lips and his fluffy dyed hair and the stupid t-shirt he’s wearing that’s too big around the collar and hangs a bit off one shoulder. He wonders if he’s cold, like that, feels an urge to hold him close like they’d been that morning, warm together under the covers.
His heart races. He looks at Jin with wide, uncertain eyes, and Jin seems to read the change in mood because instantly his pout is gone and instead he’s looking at him in concern.
“Kazu?” he asks, stepping closer, and freezing when Kame instinctively steps back.
Kame stares at the floor, at Jin’s socked feet. They’re a little tattered, his big toe peeking through a ripped hole. “W-Why, why did you kiss me?” he asks in such a quiet voice that it nearly doesn’t reach his own ears.
And maybe it’s another moment of telepathy between them because Jin is suddenly shouting, like he heard Kame loud and clear, “BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, STUPID.”
Kame looks at him quickly and sees anger in Jin’s face, like Jin can’t believe he has to explain this to Kame at all. “Jin,” he starts, feeling his whole face heat up.
“Seriously, I’m supposed to be the dumb one, remember?” Jin’s going on, ranting. “When’d you get so stupid, Kazu?”
“Shut up,” Kame mutters, a tiny whine. “I just--” His words get cut off because suddenly Jin’s knocking the breath out of him, his lanky arms surprisingly strong as he hugs Kame to his chest like Kame’s a gigantic teddy bear.
“Why else would I kiss you?” he demands in Kame’s ear and Kame lets out a shaky laugh.
He reaches around and curls his fingers into the back of Jin’s shirt and Jin relaxes against him, leaning heavily on him and he feels a bit like a big fluffy dog. Kame snickers at the image and Jin demands, “What’s so funny?!”
“Nothing.” Kame laughs harder, shaking in Jin’s arms until Jin draws back and looks at him as though he’s lost his mind. Kame meets his eyes, and says, with all his heart, without a moment’s hesitation, because this, this is something he knows will never change, and he doesn’t ever want it to change, “I like you, too.”
And the way Jin’s face goes from confused to utterly red in three seconds flat makes Kame laugh even harder.
***
“I’ll get it,” Kame says when they’re getting up to pay, nearly two hours later. He’s surprised time has gone by so fast. They talked amiably and easily as though it hasn’t been months since the last time. As though their parting, then, hadn’t been this ugly, achy thing that had lingered in Kame’s heart ever since.
“No, I can,” Jin exclaims quickly, reaching out to stop Kame from grabbing his wallet.
Kame shakes him off. “It’s fine, I invited you after all.” He smiles.
Jin looks torn between uncertain and grateful. “But--”
“Don’t worry about it, Jin,” he says kindly, and then adds after a moment, “You can get it next time.”
Jin’s eyes widen. “Next time?” he echoes and Kame just smiles at him enigmatically before using Jin’s surprise as a chance to pay for them both.
He leads the way out afterward and turns to say goodbye when he finds Jin staring at him with dark, intense eyes. Eyes Kame hasn’t seen in a very long time.
“Um,” he starts, swallowing. “I guess I’ll see you--”
“Are you busy right now?” Jin asks him quickly, like if he waits, he’ll lose his nerve.
Kame answers immediately, his heart beating in his ears, “No.”
He drowns a little in Jin’s eyes, and feels a shudder completely unrelated to the winter cold when he says, a hand reaching out discreetly to touch Kame’s fingers, “Come over.”
Kame doesn’t hesitate for one second, because this is what he wants. He can’t remember wanting anything more than this right now. “Okay,” he says, and follows.
***
"I should end it right now. I should,” he says, and he does end up saying it, even if it comes out differently that what he intended. He stares at the clock over Jin’s shoulder. It’s Christmas Eve and Jin’s telling him this. He wants to rewind until last night, where things had been just perfect, when he didn’t have any worries about their futures. He can’t believe he never saw this coming, but then again Jin is good at keeping secrets.
He’s also good at riling Kame up. Kame’s sure it’s become one of his deadliest talents. "Then why don't you?" is all he says, doesn’t tell Kame not to, doesn’t stop him, nothing.
It breaks Kame’s heart. He looks into Jin’s eyes, feels his heart open and bleeding between them, begs for Jin to fix it.
Jin doesn’t move.
Kame kisses him, hard, all teeth and tongue and heavy, aching breaths. His hand fists in Jin’s hair. Jin’s fingernails scratch down his back.
I can’t, he’s saying, and the way Jin responds, holds him close and kisses him even harder, tells him that, just maybe, Jin can’t either.
***
“I fucking hate you,” Kame gasps, resting his forehead on Jin’s shoulder, his body shaking just a bit.
Jin laughs in his ear. “No you don’t,” he declares, “you love me.”
Kame will never understand why. “Fuck you,” he hisses in reply, shoves Jin away.
Jin merely picks up his forgotten fedora and props it perfectly on his head. He smirks; utter sex. “Sure,” he says easily. “But after the live, Kame. Come on, we don’t want to be late.”
“And who’s fault would it be if we were?!” Kame exclaims, but he straightens up quickly and follows Jin out of the empty room backstage before Music Station Super Live.
The instant the door shuts behind him, he jumps as Koki’s dulcet voice shouts, “Where the FUCK have you two been?!”
“Nowhere,” Jin replies automatically and entirely unconvincingly.
Koki ignores him and continues ranting, “We have to be up there in a minute and you guys fucking disappear and Ueda looks ready to murder a junior and Nakamaru’s about to faint from all the stress that’s building up!”
“Calm down, we’re here, aren’t we?” Jin is saying, putting hands up in front of him as if that’ll shield Koki’s rage. “Let’s go before Uebo really does kill a junior.”
He quickly heads back off toward their dressing room, Kame and Koki following after, and Koki gives Kame a look that says he knows everything.
“You couldn’t have waited until later?” he accuses, but now he looks amused instead of angry.
“You try saying no to him,” Kame replies wearily.
“I could,” Koki says confidently, and then grins, “because I am not in love with him.”
“Shut up,” Kame grumbles and shoves at him as the join the others and Ueda gives Kame his deadly glare that’s normally reserved for managers and Nishikido.
Kame puts on a bright smile before Ueda can start shouting profanities at him and says, “Okay, let’s do this!” and when Jin catches his eyes and smirk, Kame feels a bit like, right now, with the lingering taste of Jin on his lips and his skin tingling from his touch, he could take on anything.
***
Kame’s thumb hovers over the call button, his phone highlighting over Jin’s name. He stares and stares and stares. It’s 10:37 PM.
In the end, he gives up. He snaps his phone shut and shoves it back into his pocket. He reaches for the tiny gift, maybe he can return it. He holds it in his hand and stares it for a moment, before deciding it doesn’t matter. None of it really matters anymore.
He leaves it there, sitting on the bench in the park.
He stands with a big sigh, shoves his hands into his pockets and forces the itchy sadness in his veins away. He should’ve expected this, he thinks.
Jin has never been good with promises.
***
His keys fall to the floor with a clang and the door shakes in the frame when Kame is shoved up against it, Jin’s arms holding him up around the waist and his lips meeting Kame’s halfway.
Kame makes a choked noise in the back of his throat, his hands splay against the back of Jin’s head, threading through his hair, and he puts every single feeling he can muster into this kiss.
“Fuck,” Jin growls, and he grinds against Kame roughly, “I’ve missed this.”
Kame gasps, searching for Jin’s eyes. They hadn’t yet bothered to turn on the lights but Jin’s eyes are bright in the darkness, bright and clear and so incredibly honest that it makes Kame pull him closer, closer than close, molding their bodies together like there hasn’t been this huge, five month gap in their relationship.
“I missed you,” Jin’s saying, breathless, perfect, his words tumbling over Kame’s skin.
“Me too,” Kame manages to choke out, pulling at Jin’s shirt and moaning when Jin rocks against him again. “Me too.”
Jin pushes him harder up against the door and Kame’s legs wrap automatically around his hips, ignoring the tiny jolt of pain and the fact he’ll probably have a sore back in the morning. It wouldn’t be the first time, after all, and stopping right now is just not an option. Jin kisses him with such fervor it’s like he’s trying to devour him from the inside out and Kame just goes with it, too overwhelmed, too fucking happy to even consider disagreeing, because fuck, he has missed this, he’s missed this so much.
“Kame,” Jin hisses, “Kame, Kame--” His hand slips beneath his shirt, fingers blazing against Kame’s rapidly heating skin, and Kame just fists a hand in his hair and licks a path up his neck and says, “Shut up, just, stop talking and fuck--”
He’s dropped almost rudely to his feet, but then Jin’s pulling at his belt and shoving a hand into his pants and Kame’s head collides painfully with the door as he lets out this shaky, tiny breath and his fingers curl into the skin of Jin’s elbow.
“Jin,” Kame breathes and he feels Jin shudder from it, from just his name, smirks as he says it over and over again, quietly into his ear until Jin slams him hard against the door and says in that terrifyingly sexy way of his, “I’m going to make you scream my name,” before kissing him fiercely again.
***
“I am freezing,” Kame complains, rubbing his hands down his arms. “If I get sick right before Music Station I’ll kill you.”
“Hey, it was your idea to make out in the fucking snow,” Jin shoots back, pouting a bit.
“You’re the one who shoved me into it in the first place,” Kame retorts, but his voice lacks bite because, really, he can’t be mad when Jin is looking at him like that.
“Sorry,” Jin mumbles, not really sounding very sorry at all. “But you were laughing at me!” he exclaims, turning indignant in half a second.
“I always laugh at you,” Kame replies with a grin. “You’re hilarious.” And, quickly, before Jin can get even angrier, Kame grabs his hand and tugs. “Let’s go before we both end up sick.”
Jin grumbles under his breath but follows Kame back out through the park, holding tightly to his hand. When they reach the street, Jin pulls at Kame until he turns around, and after darting his eyes around to check there’s no one nearby, he gives Kame one last chaste kiss.
“I’ll see you for the Music Station Live!” he says, beaming. “It’s our first ever, we’re gonna be so great.”
Kame wants to tell him to not be so confident, but his excitement is infectious and it makes Kame believe too. “Yeah, we will,” he agrees, then narrows his eyes. “Just don’t get sick before then!”
“No worries, I’m as healthy as can be!” Jin exclaims. Then bursts into a fit of coughs. When Kame frets over him, he breaks into laughter and Kame realizes he was merely faking it.
“Get lost, Akanishi,” he snaps, swatting at him, and Jin sneaks in one last kiss to Kame’s frowning lips before he dashes off with a whole-armed wave.
***
It’s snowing intensely outside and the weather is bites harshly at their skin from just the quick run to the car. Jin sits too close to Kame in the backseat, pretending he’s just that cold, but using it as a guise to hold Kame’s hand inside his pocket.
Kame gives him a frantic, sort of frightened look, trying to tell Jin that his parents are in the front, why are you so stupid?! But Jin just threads their fingers together and holds tight and, soon enough, the warmth from his touch calms Kame’s racing heart.
Kame almost doesn’t want Jin to leave, not now, so soon after they first kissed, after the words Jin had said to him. He never quite realized this is something he wanted, but as he listens to Jin chatting amiably with his fathers, feels the way he rubs his thumb over his skin, and smiles so brilliantly at him and calls him “Kazu” in that effervescent voice of his, Kame isn’t sure how he didn’t know.
He’s been alongside Jin since that first audition. He can’t imagine not being with Jin. He doesn’t even want to.
When they make it to Jin’s house, the snow’s let up a little so Kame insists going up with him. Jin tries to shove snow down Kame’s back as they walk up and Kame pushes him into it, laughing as Jin splutters and emerges with powdery snow in his hair and clinging to his eyelashes.
Kame expects Jin to shove him into the snow in retaliation, but all he does is sweep in and whisper into his ear, “I’d kiss you again but since your parents are probably watching, I’ll be a gentleman.”
Kame snorts, even though his cheeks heat up from Jin’s straightforwardness. “You’re far from being a gentleman,” he replies, pushing at Jin’s shoulders and laughing.
But Jin just beams and says, “I’ll see you in a few days, right? We have more practice!”
“Right,” Kame replies, nodding. “Have a good Christmas, Jin.”
Jin grins. “It’s already one of my favorites,” he says before disappearing inside his house and giving Kame a demented kind of kissy face from the window.
***
They only managed to make it as far as the couch, but it’d worked in their haze of desperation and lust. Now, Jin lies across the leather in sated bliss, all tan skin and beautiful lines. He looks much more filled out than before, and Kame thinks, not for the first time, that America really has been good for him. Chasing his dreams has been good for him.
He climbs off the couch and reaches for his boxers that Jin had tossed somewhere, and Jin says, “Hand me my pants, will you?”
Kame retrieves them and tosses it into Jin’s face. Jin fumbles through the pockets until he finds his lighter and cigarettes and then tugs on his jeans, leaving them undone and loose at his waist. Kame shoves his legs over and sits down beside him, and Jin swings his feet up over Kame’s lap.
“Want one?” he asks, holding the cigarette pack out at Kame.
He shakes his head. “I quit,” he replies.
“Oh, sorry,” Jin says, shrugs with one shoulder and drops the pack onto the coffee table, followed with his lighter after he lights up. Kame watches as he takes a drag and exhales silvery smoke with practiced ease, and it all feels so natural, so familiar, like this isn’t the first time they’ve seen each other in months.
He thinks of what to say now, wishes they’d talked about it all before, but then again, they’ve always been better at speaking through actions. But he doesn’t know what he can do now to tell Jin everything he wants to say.
But Jin is good at reading his mind and he says, “I meant to call you, you know. Like a lot.”
Kame snorts. “Oh really,” he says. “Why didn’t you?”
He shrugs again. “You never did, either,” he answers, turning the tables.
“You were busy,” Kame says, and it’s the excuse he told himself every time he picked up the phone and put it down without dialing.
“Well, you were too,” Jin replies and it’s a standstill.
Kame watches him smoke for awhile and then says, “It doesn’t really matter anyway, does it?”
Jin meets his eyes. “No,” he says, smirking, and pulls himself up. He straddles Kame’s lap and kisses him. He tastes of ramen and cigarettes and he’s as addictive as ever.
“I go back in January,” he says, later, and it’s a warning.
“I don’t care,” Kame tells him, runs his hands up Jin’s bare back. “Just call me this time.”
Jin laughs and nods, and lets Kame kiss him again.
***
He doesn’t expect to run into him. It would’ve been so much easier to just go home and end up with a voicemail in Jin’s frantic voice apologizing over and over, but instead Kame runs right into him as he heads toward the station, turning the corner and walking right into him.
Jin looks like he’s been caught red-handed stealing cookies from the jar and Kame feels just a moment of hope bubbling in his chest.
“Kame,” Jin says and his eyes widen. “Oh, shit. You-you weren’t waiting this whole time, were you?”
Kame’s heart sinks into his stomach. He shakes his head, thinking of a lie, when he sees it, the tiny square box in Jin’s hand, and his heart falls straight to his feet.
Jin catches his gaze and shoves his hand into his pocket. He shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it after a moment, and runs a hand through his hair in frustration. It’s a little wet from the snow, and shines under the streetlights.
“I’m sorry,” he says, eventually. “I...I was going to meet you, I really was. After, after I, well, I’m sure you can guess.”
Kame nods blankly. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Why he wasted all that time sitting there, hoping. “Forget it,” he says. “It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like I was waiting the whole time.” His lie stings but he keeps going, wishing the look of pure distraught off Jin’s face, “I gave up after twenty minutes.” He lets out a tense laugh.
“Kame--”
“Good luck,” Kame says as sincerely as he can and steps on his heart on the ground as he walks away, and forces himself not to look back.
***
He presses in, bites his lip, and Jin lets out this deep, low sound that rolls down his spine. Jin’s fingers scrape at his shoulders. Kame stares at him, his beautiful face full of raw, pure emotion, and he is so madly in love, has been since he was stupid and thirteen, and he can’t, just can’t let this go. He rocks his hips and groans, and starts to already feel lost in the heat and sensations that grip him as tightly as Jin’s fingers on his shoulders.
Jin opens his eyes and meets his gaze, bright and clear. He rolls down into the pressure and says, quietly, “Just because I’ve met her, think it’s her, doesn’t mean anything you know.”
Kame lets out a shaky breath. “You want to talk about this now?” he questions, thrusts in just a little harder.
Jin moans, and nods with his whole head. “You’re not going to walk out if I talk about it now,” he says, and really, Jin is smarter than everyone gives him credit for.
“Try me,” Kame hisses, even though he knows he wouldn’t, can’t.
“It doesn’t mean anything, Kame,” Jin says again, pivoting his hips to meet Kame’s pace.
Kame can’t decide if he’s angry or frustrated or sad. His voice takes on this exasperated tone like Jin is a four-year-old who doesn’t understand shit. “It does, you moron,” he gets out, holds Jin’s hips in his hands and pulls him close. “Why would you tell me then, if it doesn’t?”
“I don’t want to lie to you,” Jin says and each word drips with honesty. Kame can see it in his eyes. “Besides,” he goes on, nonchalant, like this isn’t a big deal, like this isn’t going to end up ripping them apart, “I don’t think she likes me anyway, you know. We only just met awhile ago.” He pauses again and he looks so contemplative that Kame pushes in just where he wants it, eliciting a gasp of surprise from Jin, then a long, drawn-out moan of pleasure when he presses there again, and again. “S-Stop,” he breathes, shaky fingers skating across Kame’s hip. “I can’t talk to you if you keep doing that.”
“That’s the point,” Kame replies, a little vengeful.
“Shut up, stop, I--” Jin gasps, pushing back into Kame’s efforts, his back arching a bit as his body gives into the feeling. “She’s nice,” he continues to say and Kame’s mind aches stop, stop, stop, but he can’t say it, he can’t, just listens helplessly. “She’s...what I’ve been looking for.”
Kame looks at him, his brutal honesty, the clear affection in his eyes from just thinking of her and his heart feels as though Jin’s is squeezing it between his fingers. Why can’t I be what you’re looking for, he thinks, and he is so fucking stupid to think it at all when he knows, when he’s always known that this is what Jin wants. And Jin, Jin never gives up on his dreams. And this, this is what Kame loves most about him.
He swallows thickly, looks away from Jin’s concerned, questioning gaze, and rocks his hips slowly, gently. Jin’s breath hitches and he curls his fingers into the back of Kame’s hair, brushing the skin at the nape of his neck.
Kame says, quietly, eventually, “She’s pretty. You like that.”
Jin pulls him down into a kiss. It’s soft and caring and an apology all rolled into one.
“I’m not giving this up yet,” is all he says afterward.
Kame should tell him no, should end it right now, right here. But instead, he holds Jin tighter, fucks him harder, and pretends everything is okay.
***
She said yes, the message reads.
He stares at it for a long, long time, and, in the end, all he can write back is:
Congratulations.
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Summary: They’ve spent many Christmases together, and Kame wants to hold onto the hope that this won’t be the last.
Author's Note: 8719 words. For reel_johnny's mini-reel challenge, where we had to write a fic inspired by a music video instead of a movie. I chose KAT-TUN’s White Xmas PV and I really, really love how this ended up. :) It might be one of my personal favorite fics. :3 Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! ♥
“I found her,” he says quietly into the dark, into their comfortable silence, and Kame’s heart sinks into his stomach.
***
“You can make it, right?” Kame questions and forces the blatant hope out of his voice. He holds his phone tighter in his hand.
“I told you I’d be there,” Jin answers, only a little impatient. Then, softer, “I’ll be there. I promise.”
Kame shuts his eyes and hopes.
Jin’s never been good with promises.
***
His first kiss was when he was in year one, with Sayaka-chan. She had pink bows wrapped around her pigtails. She pushed him into the dirt afterward, and he had never tried again.
His first kiss with Jin, Kame pushes Jin out of his bed. His eyes are wide and his lips are still warm from Jin’s, and Jin is staring up at him from the floor and whining because it’s cold, and what did you do that for?!
Kame wants to say, Why did you kiss me?! but instead he holds out a hand and Jin takes it, climbs back up into Kame’s bed. Jin’s arms are lanky, bony, and his elbow digs into Kame’s sides and it’s so uncomfortable, but Jin doesn’t seem to mind, holding onto Kame like he’ll fall out again otherwise.
Kame’s heart is a hammer in his chest.
Jin kisses him again, but Kame doesn’t push him away this time.
“Merry Christmas,” Jin says afterward, in terrible, accented English, and that stupid, lopsided grin.
Kame is thirteen.
***
Jin shines. He shined when Kame first met him, at their audition years ago, when Kame felt out of place in his striped jersey pants while everyone else had cool, dyed hair, and their ears pierced, and knew how to dance. Jin was one of those kids, but he looked normal like Kame, with flat hair and no piercings. It was just his attitude that made him stand out from the rest, because he laughed big and wide and uninhibited and he didn’t look one bit like he was scared.
Jin shines now under the glowing streetlamps of the empty park down the street from the jimusho. He drags Kame there after their meeting, a warm, gloved hand wrapped around Kame’s wrist. Kame follows wordlessly although his mind spins with questions, but before he can even voice one, Jin stops next to a clump of pine trees, hidden from the path, and turns and kisses Kame soundly on the lips.
Kame’s shivering from the cold but Jin’s lips on his makes him incredibly warm, too warm, in fact, under his thick coat and layers underneath, and scarf wrapped around his neck. He reaches out his free hand and clutches to Jin’s waist and kisses back and Jin makes this tiny, happy noise in the back of his throat.
All around them, enveloping them, is glittering white snow.
***
She’s Japanese. It surprises Kame, at first, because he always imagined it’d end up being a blonde-haired, blue-eyed foreigner that would capture Jin’s heart.
“She’s pretty,” he says, eventually, and it’s like pulling teeth. He wants to delete the picture from Jin’s phone.
Jin makes a noise of agreement, stares at the photo a little longer, and when Kame risks a look at his face, it’s full of fondness, affection. Once, Jin looked at him like that.
“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?” Kame says, once Jin’s put his phone back onto the bedside table, and has replaced it in his hand with a pack of cigarettes. Kame reaches out and bums one from him.
“I thought you quit,” Jin says, handing him the lighter.
Kame doesn’t answer. The nicotine takes away pain.
***
He probably shouldn’t. He knows Jin isn’t going to, so Kame shouldn’t. It would probably make it awkward. Jin would probably refuse, shove it back into Kame’s hands.
He buys it anyway.
It’s a silver chain, with a simple loop pendant studded with diamonds. When it catches the light, it shines.
***
It is their first Christmas apart, and Kame doesn’t have the courage to call him. He still remembers the harsh words and the bitter taste in his mouth from the last they were together, months ago.
Every minute of that slow, excruciating day, he hopes that Jin will call or message him first.
He never does.
***
Kame rolls out of bed. It’s cold away from the covers. He looks for the sweatpants Jin had thrown somewhere; finds them just outside the bedroom door.
“Where are you going?” Jin asks. He’s lying back against the wooden headboard. His hair is long and falls to his bare shoulders. The sheets cover him haphazardly and his leg sticks out from one end.
“Shower,” Kame answers around his cigarette.
“Come back,” Jin coaxes in that voice he uses when he wants something; when he knows he’ll get it.
Kame stares at him from the doorway. He wants to refuse but then he’s already sliding back into bed.
“You never answered my question,” Kame says, after five minutes of silence and Jin’s fingers tracing mindless patterns across his hip.
“What question?” Jin says, exhales a smoky breath and kisses Kame’s skin, the cigarette dangling dangerously between his beautiful, slim fingers.
Kame glances at the clock on the bedside table. It glows 12:08 AM. It’s Christmas Eve.
***
He checks his watch to see it’s just a few minutes after eight, and he’s glad that work managed to end early. He doesn’t want to be late. This might be his last chance.
Outside it’s snowing peacefully. Kame wraps his scarf around his neck and stuffs his hands into his coat pockets, feels the slim box inside and curls his fingers around it as he walks toward their meeting place.
Christmas lights hang from the trees, along awnings of tiny shops down the sidewalks, tangled up like vines on streetlamps. They dance in the darkness, make Tokyo seem brighter, happier, and make Kame feel stronger, braver.
He picks up his pace, heading toward the jimusho, toward the park where, years ago, when everything was perfect and beautiful and right between them, Jin had pulled him beside the trees and kissed him breathlessly under the dark, glittering night sky.
This is his last chance.
***
Jin feels different since the last time, and yet he’s completely the same. Kame wraps his arms around Jin’s back, feels the muscles move beneath his fingertips, the gained weight around his middle that Jin hasn’t quite shed yet despite management’s orders. Kame doesn’t care, thinks Jin looks even more beautiful now than ever before, and he trails his hands around everywhere he can reach.
He feels happier than he has in ages, and the words fall out of his lips before he can really think about whether he should say them.
“I missed you.”
Jin stills in his arms, and instantly sirens go off in Kame’s head. He thinks he said the wrong thing, wracks his brain to figure out how to fix it, and when Jin rolls off of him, out of bed, Kame’s screaming at himself.
“Jin--” he starts but Jin ignores him, fiddling around under the bed and Kame sits up, curiosity replacing his anxiety.
Jin pops back up with a mid-sized box in his hands and climbs back onto the bed. Jin thrusts the box into Kame’s chest. Kame catches it before it falls to the floor and looks at Jin in bewilderment.
Jin is staring fixedly at Kame’s knee. He rubs his nose and says, “It’s for you. It’s um, your Christmas present.”
Kame’s eyes widen. Jin fidgets for a few seconds and then reaches to grab it back. “Well, if you don’t want it--”
Kame pulls the box out of his reach and Jin ends up flopping across his legs. Kame laughs and sets the box onto Jin’s back.
“Aren’t you gonna open it?” Jin huffs, and Kame takes his slow time in opening the tape around the box, wondering what he’s going to find inside.
He snorts when he pulls out a white t-shirt that says I ♥ L.A. across the front in big letters. “Very classy, Jin,” he remarks, and Jin pokes his knee with a fingernail. He also finds a couple of bags of various American candy, kinds that they don’t have here, and Jin mumbles, “You probably shouldn’t eat those, now. Probably. They’re like a year old, now.”
Kame smiles down at Jin’s bed-hair and listens as Jin speaks. “I was gonna send it to you so you’d get it around Christmas last year,” he explains, still not quite meeting Kame’s eyes. “But then I forgot.”
Kame shakes his head. “Figures,” he says.
“Then I tried to call you, but you never called me, and so I never ended up sending the package either and--”
Kame feels his gut twist painfully, remembering just how long he waited for Jin to contact him, how tempted he was to do it himself but ended up not having the courage, and now, to see that Jin had wanted to, had even gotten him these gifts, makes him feel like an asshole.
He cuts off Jin’s rambling with his mouth, because, in all honesty, they’ve always been better at communicating like this anyway, and he knows that Jin can understand what wants to say.
Sometime later, when they’re both breathless and Jin’s got Kame pinned against the bed again, the box on the floor and the candy packages pressed awkwardly under Kame’s legs, Kame says, “Forget about that. It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re back.”
Jin’s smile is beautiful. When Jin smiles, he shines.
“I’m back,” he agrees, and when their lips meet, Kame sees stars.
***
Their breaths are visible in the cold, crisp air, and the tip of Jin’s nose is pink. He has that dopey grin on his face that Kame’s sure is mirrored on his. His heart races and he squeezes Jin’s hand that is still holding onto his.
“You dragged me all the way out here for this?” he asks, only out of curiosity, not because he minded. Far, far from that.
“Maybe,” Jin says, and kicks at the snow around their feet. “Cause, you know, we won’t be able to hang out this Christmas. And we haven’t seen each other a whole lot, what with your thing with stupid Pi and--”
“You’re not still angry about that, are you?” Kame asks with a sigh.
“NO,” Jin says quickly and then, under Kame’s dubious stare, caves and adds, “...Yes. But only a little!” He flushes and kicks at the ground again. Snow flies around and covers the toes of their boots.
“Stupid,” Kame chides affectionately, and hugs Jin around the waist, laughing when Jin squirms and kicks away in embarrassment. His face is impossibly red, and Kame knows it’s not from the biting cold.
***
It’s two days after Christmas, and the streets are still illuminated with unending decorations. It’s his only day off for the whole holiday season and Kame should be sitting at home and resting, but instead found himself walking down the streets, taking in the beautiful sights and the unusual calm of a Tokyo evening.
He’s thinking of heading to his favorite ramen shop for an early dinner when his eyes fall on a familiar figure staring into the window of a small jewelry shop. He’s wearing that god-awful purple knit cap and a leather jacket over his too-long jeans.
Kame’s heart beats faster at the sight of him.
Before he can gather the courage to say hi, or decide if he should just walk right past him, Jin turns in his direction and stops in his tracks when he sees Kame.
Only a little nervously, Kame steps up to him and says, “Hi, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” Seven months, to be exact, but Kame doesn’t keep track.
Jin swallows, nods. “Yeah, it has,” he says and his voice is soft and wondrous, like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. He reaches out suddenly, as if to touch Kame’s face, and then realizes what he’s doing and shoves his hand into his pocket.
Kame’s heart aches.
He clears his throat and says, as bravely as he can, “I was going to get something to eat. If you haven’t had dinner yet...um, do you want to go with me?”
Jin’s eyes are big and bright. They shine brighter than the Christmas lights. He nods quickly. “Sure,” he says, and the clear excitement in his voice makes Kame’s face split into a grin.
“G-Great,” he says. “I know just the place.”
***
His mother yanks the blankets off them in the morning in her attempt to wake them up. She laughs at the sight of them, curled together, and says, “Breakfast in ten. Better get up if you want any!”
Jin is shivering next to him, his arms still wrapped around Kame’s waist from when they fell asleep last night. “Cold,” he mutters into Kame’s neck, but Kame only feels Jin’s unending warmth spreading throughout his body. He snuggles closer.
“We should get up,” he says after a moment, even though he would much rather just stay here with Jin for as long as he can.
“Don’t wanna,” Jin mumbles and hugs Kame tighter. Kame’s heart soars.
Five minutes later, Kame’s mother screams, “Boys!” down the hall and Jin groans, shifts.
“Okay,” he says. “My arm is falling asleep. You have to move.”
Kame takes his slow time in doing so, and Jin winces a little as he pulls his arm out from where Kame had been using it as a pillow.
“Ow,” he whines and Kame feels this urge to kiss his pouting lips.
And that’s when he remembers. The kiss. His eyes widen and he looks away from Jin quickly. Jin doesn’t seem to notice, sliding out of bed and heading for the door.
Kame, heart racing, says quickly, “Jin.”
Jin pauses and turns back to him with expectant eyes.
Kame licks his lips, thinks about whether he should bring it up.
In the end, he just shakes his head, grins, and says, “Never mind.”
***
Kame should stop him.
Jin’s touch is soft and slow, fingers trailing around his waist, leaving a hot trail in their wake.
Jin’s kiss is gentle and deep, lips fitting together with Kame’s like puzzle pieces and tasting like cigarettes, making arousal stir low in his stomach.
Jin’s voice is molten gold, rich and beautiful and coaxing, and Kame, Kame has never been able to say no.
Jin’s an addiction.
Kame should stop him, should make him answer his question, should get out of bed right now.
He should do all those things, but it’s so much easier to just give in once again.
***
“How’ve you been?” Kame asks, reaching for his mug of beer. “Congratulations on your America tour, by the way.”
Jin flushes as deep as the red paint on the walls of the small, ramen restaurant. “T-Thanks,” he says and hastily takes a gulp of his beer. “I’m good,” he says. “The tour was amazing.” He grins widely and instantly the tension is broken.
Kame grins back. “Good to hear,” he says. “I might’ve beaten you up if it wasn’t.”
Jin’s face falls and Kame laughs. Jin stares at him perplexed for a moment before he says hesitantly, “You’re not...”
“Of course not,” Kame cuts in, reading Jin’s thoughts like they’re printed across his forehead. “I’m sitting here eating with you, aren’t I?”
Jin’s lips quirk at the corners. “How do I know you’re not planning to ditch me halfway through and make me pay for you, too?”
Kame snorts. “It’s good to see your idiocy hasn’t changed in all these months.”
“Hey!” Jin exclaims and, as he joins in on Kame’s responding laughter, Kame feels a little like that tiny, missing puzzle piece has fit itself back into his heart.
***
Kame laughs at him, at Jin’s bright red face even in the darkness of the park, hidden as they are next to the trees.
Jin huffs, snatching his hand out from Kame’s, and looking all too tempted to stomp his feet. He reminds Kame of a three-year-old, but Jin has always been a bit of a child.
Even now he finally cries, “SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!” and seems to be contemplating shoving Kame into the snow.
Kame merely laughs harder, doubling over from the force of it, and Jin is grumbling and moaning and crying, until Kame finally gathers himself, a large, happy grin on his face. Jin’s expression is sour and he is trying to burn Kame’s head with his eyes, but Kame just takes Jin’s face in his mittened hands and says gleefully, “No, you don’t. You just kissed me. You LOVE me.”
And Jin’s blush returns with full force.
***
He remembers that day vividly, a movie playing behind his eyes as he walks past that hidden spot beside the trees. He stares at it for a moment, remembering, and wonders why things have changed so drastically since then.
He looks away and continues down the snow-beaten path around the park. There’s an empty bench a couple feet away, staring out over a frozen playground, and Kame heads over. He sits down, pulling the box from his pocket. It’s small, wrapped around with a red ribbon, and he places it gently on the seat beside him.
Shoving his hands back into his pockets, he leans against the bench and looks up at the sky.
Through the slow cascading snowflakes, the stars glimmer in the dark sky.
***
Kame stares at Jin as he eats, stuffing food in his face like he’s starved, and only when Jin catches his eye from across the table does he quickly look away.
Jin kicks him under the table. Kame looks back up and Jin’s staring at him owlishly, with his cheeks all puffed up. What, he’s saying wordlessly, and Kame just shakes his head.
Jin’s a bit like a goldfish, so he just gives Kame a weird look and goes on eating. Kame pokes at his own food but his mind is elsewhere.
He can’t forget Jin’s kiss.
Something must be wrong with him, he thinks. But he can’t get it out of his head. And it doesn’t help that Jin is acting as though he never even did it, like it isn’t all his fault that Kame feels entirely confused.
What does this mean, he tries to ask Jin silently. Sometimes he thinks they have telepathy or something, because Jin can read his thoughts with surprising accuracy and Kame’s always been able to understand Jin.
Jin doesn’t seem to notice his question though, and right now, Kame can’t understand Jin at all.
“Kazuya,” his mother says, cutting through his thoughts. “Are you okay? You’re not eating anything.”
Kame nods quickly, ignoring Jin’s worried glance. “I’m fine,” he says and makes an effort to really eat, even though food is the last thing on his mind.
“Well, hurry up,” his mother says. “We have to take Jin-kun back to his parent’s place soon. It’s a little stormy out so I don’t want you boys going alone.”
“I’m sorry for the trouble!” Jin exclaims quickly but Kame’s mother just laughs and pats Jin’s sleep-poofy hair and disappears into the kitchen. When she’s gone, Jin kicks Kame under the table again.
“Stop that,” Kame says, a little harder than he means to. Jin’s eyes widen.
“What’s with you?” Jin grumps back, instantly defensive, and Kame wonders why he’s even caring so much about a kiss from this idiot.
“Sorry,” Kame mumbles and Jin stares at him strangely for a moment before he jumps up, grabs Kame’s hand and yanks him back toward his bedroom, ignoring Kame’s questioning yelps.
The door shuts after them and Kame is pushed back against it and for a second he thinks wildly that Jin’s going to beat him up.
Instead, Jin’s eyes soften and he grins that stupid, lop-sided grin of his, and he leans in and kisses him.
Kame’s mind spins, spins, spins, and he clutches onto the front of Jin’s t-shirt tightly with his hands, all his anger and confusion instantly gone with the sweet taste of Jin’s lips against his.
And he thinks, for a moment, that this might just be all that he’ll ever need.
***
Once more, he thinks as he pulls Jin against him, warm and solid and perfect, bodies sliding together along the bedsheets.
Just once more.
***
“I thought you’d be in L.A.,” Kame says.
“I’m going back in a few weeks,” Jin replies around a mouthful of ramen, and Kame smiles at the familiarity. “I’m here to meet with management.” He swallows and grins. “I’m switching labels.”
Kame’s eyes widen. “You’re leaving Johnny’s?” he asks, incredulous.
Jin snorts. “Yeah, right,” he says. “As if they’d let me do that.” He laughs. “I’m the wild card, remember? The guinea pig.”
Kame smirks a little. It’s true. “Then what?”
“Just switching to Warner instead. They’re an international label, so it’ll be easier in the future, if--when things work out.”
Kame almost laughs at Jin’s correction. It’s so Jin, to have that kind of outlook. He misses it, a little, if he’s honest with himself. Kame is more rational, worrying over the little things. Jin is the dreamer, determined that everything will work out only until it doesn’t, and even then he manages to keep his positivity.
“That’s really great,” he says honestly. I’m proud of you, he wants to say but can’t get the words to form in his mouth. He takes a giant mouthful of ramen and says instead, “I’m happy for you.” It’s close enough.
Jin beams. “I’m really happy too,” he says and it’s obvious in his bright eyes, his casual and easygoing demeanor. He looks healthy and glowing and it’s beautiful.
Kame didn’t realize just how much he’s missed him until right now.
***
He’s slammed up against the door that shuts behind him but before he even has the chance to bitch about it, Jin’s descending on him with wet lips and persistent tongue and Kame’s never been able to resist that, resist him.
He knocks Jin’s fedora to the floor, swallowing Jin’s indignant noise with his mouth, and then curls his fingers into the silky fabric of his costume. They only have a couple of minutes before it starts to get crazy, but a couple of minutes is more than enough. This is probably the only chance they’ll have to be like this for awhile.
Jin pulls away first and says, brightly, with his usual lopsided grin, “Merry Christmas.”
“Was that supposed to be my gift?” Kame deadpans. “Because that was pathetic.”
“I don’t know, you seemed pretty into it,” Jin retorts all smug and infuriatingly sexy, and Kame narrows his eyes. He presses himself up against Kame, hips aligning perfectly and grinds against him for just a moment.
Kame sucks in a breath and steadies him with hands on his waist. “Stop it,” he hisses. “We have to go out and fucking perform soon.”
“I bet I could get you to come before that,” Jin says, dipping down to lick a stripe up Kame’s neck.
Kame hates him. “I bet you couldn’t,” he counters without thinking and Jin rocks against him, pulling a groan from Kame’s throat.
Jin’s eyes are challenging when they look at each other next, and Kame know he’s already lost.
***
Jin’s fingertips leave tiny aching imprints across his skin. Kame breathes out deeply, sliding his own fingers through Jin’s hair. It’s long again, slips easily between his hands. Jin kisses him languidly before he pulls away, rolls off of him and lies on the bed beside him.
Kame feels empty.
He forgot, for a moment, with Jin holding him, all around him, warm and strong and so beautiful, he forgot. And now it all comes rushing back, drowning him in the flood.
He swallows thickly and eyes, eyes on the ceiling, "What are we doing?"
Jin shifts beside him and when he speaks his breath is on Kame’s shoulder. "What are you talking about?"
"You never answered my question." Kame tries not to move toward him, tries to squirm away from Jin’s long fingers trailing up his thigh.
His fingers don’t stop. He mouths Kame’s skin. He really is insatiable. "What was it, again?” he asks, distracted, uncaring.
Kame squeezes his eyes shut. He fists the bedsheets in his hand. He gulps and says quietly, "You said you found her."
Jin’s never been one to hide the truth. He’s blunt. And sometimes it’s excruciating. "I did,” he says, matter-of-fact, because it is.
Kame, for once, wishes Jin could just lie to him. He turns away, completely away, Jin’s hand falling from his body, his breath cooling on his skin. His heart seems like it’s on fire in his chest. He’s waiting for Jin to put it out. "What the fuck, Jin,” he says, his voice surprisingly steady when all he really wants to do is yell. “What the fuck.” He can’t even look at him, he stares at the bedsheets. He should get out, shove Jin out, change them. Do something. Anything.
He licks his lips. “You're going to make me say it, aren't you?" he breathes again, his question, trembling and fragile in the air between them.
Jin reaches out and clasps a warm, strong hand over Kame’s fist in the sheets. He squeezes. Kame still won’t look at him. "I'm not going to make you say anything,” Jin replies, all honesty. Kame hates him. “Nothing's changed, Kame," he says.
Kame looks up into Jin’s hopefully eyes. "Everything has changed,” he says, miserably, and it has.
***
It’s getting colder and steadily darker. Kame pulls his phone from his pocket. It’s 8:45 PM.
He puts his phone away, rubs his gloved hands together. There’s still fifteen minutes before he should start worrying. Maybe he should’ve stopped to get some coffee or something, he thinks, but doesn’t want to chance leaving now, in case he misses him.
He closes his eyes and thinks about all the things he wants to say, wishes he could say, was brave enough to say.
He thinks and thinks and thinks, and, as time trickles on, grows anxious and impatient and utterly terrified.
Because, if he’s honest with himself, which he’s not, he knows, that today, he’s going to lose him.
Except, if he was even more honest with himself, which he’s not, he’d realize he lost him a long time ago.
***
“STOP IT,” Jin cries, furious, and swats at Kame’s hands like a cat.
Laughing, Kame releases him, and frozen ground crunches under his boots as he steps back.
“If you’re gonna keep laughing at me, I’m leaving,” Jin says petulantly.
“Sorry,” Kame giggles, unapologetically, and when Jin glowers at him he schools his expression, bites his lower lip and really tries to reign in his amusement. Jin stares at him dubiously and Kame says, to distract him, “You know we’re still going to see each other for the Music Station special in a few days.”
“So?” Jin demands. “I wanted to see you now. And besides, I can’t do this during stinking Music Station.”
“How cute,” Kame snickers, but it really is.
Jin huffs. “Well, you wouldn’t have done anything. I’m the romantic one in this relationship.”
“Meaning you’re the girl,” Kame replies and just quick glimmer in Jin’s eyes is all he gets in warning before Jin’s tackling him to the ground. Kame shrieks into the night air, pushing at Jin to get him off and trying to scramble out of the cold, but Jin just laughs loudly and pins Kame into the snow with this triumphant grin that makes Kame instantly feel warmer.
They don’t usually say these words, and they’ve both each done it once. Kame doesn’t really remember when he did, what had propelled him to do it, but it was a few months, maybe, after they’d first kissed. So many years ago.
Jin said it later, sometime after that, all indignantly embarrassed about it afterward, and hid his face in the pillows.
He looks up at Jin now, older in appearance but still the same, silly, easily excited and ambitious boy from when they first met. And his heart beats faster just thinking about it, before he even says it, the words, pulling Jin down to kiss him afterward.
“I love you.”
***
Kame pushes Jin away when he remembers that they’re technically not alone, that his parents and brothers are all just down the hall. Jin doesn’t let go right away, whining into Kame’s mouth, and Kame kisses him back once more, a little awkward and uncertainly, because he doesn’t really know what he’s doing and is glad that Jin does (or seems to).
Jin has this triumphant look on his face, the kind he gets whenever he successfully manages to go through a dance routine without stumbling or forgetting a step. “Is that all you wanted?” he asks. “Is that what you were being all weird about?”
Kame feels a little self-conscious but nods. “Well, you did it so randomly last night!” he mutters in defense. “And then act like nothing happened.”
“Stupid,” Jin says and tries to kiss him again but Kame frantically shoves him away.
“Stop it! My parents might catch us!” he whispers and Jin pouts, looking as though that’s a lame excuse, but he doesn’t try again. Kame stares at him, at his big lips and his fluffy dyed hair and the stupid t-shirt he’s wearing that’s too big around the collar and hangs a bit off one shoulder. He wonders if he’s cold, like that, feels an urge to hold him close like they’d been that morning, warm together under the covers.
His heart races. He looks at Jin with wide, uncertain eyes, and Jin seems to read the change in mood because instantly his pout is gone and instead he’s looking at him in concern.
“Kazu?” he asks, stepping closer, and freezing when Kame instinctively steps back.
Kame stares at the floor, at Jin’s socked feet. They’re a little tattered, his big toe peeking through a ripped hole. “W-Why, why did you kiss me?” he asks in such a quiet voice that it nearly doesn’t reach his own ears.
And maybe it’s another moment of telepathy between them because Jin is suddenly shouting, like he heard Kame loud and clear, “BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, STUPID.”
Kame looks at him quickly and sees anger in Jin’s face, like Jin can’t believe he has to explain this to Kame at all. “Jin,” he starts, feeling his whole face heat up.
“Seriously, I’m supposed to be the dumb one, remember?” Jin’s going on, ranting. “When’d you get so stupid, Kazu?”
“Shut up,” Kame mutters, a tiny whine. “I just--” His words get cut off because suddenly Jin’s knocking the breath out of him, his lanky arms surprisingly strong as he hugs Kame to his chest like Kame’s a gigantic teddy bear.
“Why else would I kiss you?” he demands in Kame’s ear and Kame lets out a shaky laugh.
He reaches around and curls his fingers into the back of Jin’s shirt and Jin relaxes against him, leaning heavily on him and he feels a bit like a big fluffy dog. Kame snickers at the image and Jin demands, “What’s so funny?!”
“Nothing.” Kame laughs harder, shaking in Jin’s arms until Jin draws back and looks at him as though he’s lost his mind. Kame meets his eyes, and says, with all his heart, without a moment’s hesitation, because this, this is something he knows will never change, and he doesn’t ever want it to change, “I like you, too.”
And the way Jin’s face goes from confused to utterly red in three seconds flat makes Kame laugh even harder.
***
“I’ll get it,” Kame says when they’re getting up to pay, nearly two hours later. He’s surprised time has gone by so fast. They talked amiably and easily as though it hasn’t been months since the last time. As though their parting, then, hadn’t been this ugly, achy thing that had lingered in Kame’s heart ever since.
“No, I can,” Jin exclaims quickly, reaching out to stop Kame from grabbing his wallet.
Kame shakes him off. “It’s fine, I invited you after all.” He smiles.
Jin looks torn between uncertain and grateful. “But--”
“Don’t worry about it, Jin,” he says kindly, and then adds after a moment, “You can get it next time.”
Jin’s eyes widen. “Next time?” he echoes and Kame just smiles at him enigmatically before using Jin’s surprise as a chance to pay for them both.
He leads the way out afterward and turns to say goodbye when he finds Jin staring at him with dark, intense eyes. Eyes Kame hasn’t seen in a very long time.
“Um,” he starts, swallowing. “I guess I’ll see you--”
“Are you busy right now?” Jin asks him quickly, like if he waits, he’ll lose his nerve.
Kame answers immediately, his heart beating in his ears, “No.”
He drowns a little in Jin’s eyes, and feels a shudder completely unrelated to the winter cold when he says, a hand reaching out discreetly to touch Kame’s fingers, “Come over.”
Kame doesn’t hesitate for one second, because this is what he wants. He can’t remember wanting anything more than this right now. “Okay,” he says, and follows.
***
"I should end it right now. I should,” he says, and he does end up saying it, even if it comes out differently that what he intended. He stares at the clock over Jin’s shoulder. It’s Christmas Eve and Jin’s telling him this. He wants to rewind until last night, where things had been just perfect, when he didn’t have any worries about their futures. He can’t believe he never saw this coming, but then again Jin is good at keeping secrets.
He’s also good at riling Kame up. Kame’s sure it’s become one of his deadliest talents. "Then why don't you?" is all he says, doesn’t tell Kame not to, doesn’t stop him, nothing.
It breaks Kame’s heart. He looks into Jin’s eyes, feels his heart open and bleeding between them, begs for Jin to fix it.
Jin doesn’t move.
Kame kisses him, hard, all teeth and tongue and heavy, aching breaths. His hand fists in Jin’s hair. Jin’s fingernails scratch down his back.
I can’t, he’s saying, and the way Jin responds, holds him close and kisses him even harder, tells him that, just maybe, Jin can’t either.
***
“I fucking hate you,” Kame gasps, resting his forehead on Jin’s shoulder, his body shaking just a bit.
Jin laughs in his ear. “No you don’t,” he declares, “you love me.”
Kame will never understand why. “Fuck you,” he hisses in reply, shoves Jin away.
Jin merely picks up his forgotten fedora and props it perfectly on his head. He smirks; utter sex. “Sure,” he says easily. “But after the live, Kame. Come on, we don’t want to be late.”
“And who’s fault would it be if we were?!” Kame exclaims, but he straightens up quickly and follows Jin out of the empty room backstage before Music Station Super Live.
The instant the door shuts behind him, he jumps as Koki’s dulcet voice shouts, “Where the FUCK have you two been?!”
“Nowhere,” Jin replies automatically and entirely unconvincingly.
Koki ignores him and continues ranting, “We have to be up there in a minute and you guys fucking disappear and Ueda looks ready to murder a junior and Nakamaru’s about to faint from all the stress that’s building up!”
“Calm down, we’re here, aren’t we?” Jin is saying, putting hands up in front of him as if that’ll shield Koki’s rage. “Let’s go before Uebo really does kill a junior.”
He quickly heads back off toward their dressing room, Kame and Koki following after, and Koki gives Kame a look that says he knows everything.
“You couldn’t have waited until later?” he accuses, but now he looks amused instead of angry.
“You try saying no to him,” Kame replies wearily.
“I could,” Koki says confidently, and then grins, “because I am not in love with him.”
“Shut up,” Kame grumbles and shoves at him as the join the others and Ueda gives Kame his deadly glare that’s normally reserved for managers and Nishikido.
Kame puts on a bright smile before Ueda can start shouting profanities at him and says, “Okay, let’s do this!” and when Jin catches his eyes and smirk, Kame feels a bit like, right now, with the lingering taste of Jin on his lips and his skin tingling from his touch, he could take on anything.
***
Kame’s thumb hovers over the call button, his phone highlighting over Jin’s name. He stares and stares and stares. It’s 10:37 PM.
In the end, he gives up. He snaps his phone shut and shoves it back into his pocket. He reaches for the tiny gift, maybe he can return it. He holds it in his hand and stares it for a moment, before deciding it doesn’t matter. None of it really matters anymore.
He leaves it there, sitting on the bench in the park.
He stands with a big sigh, shoves his hands into his pockets and forces the itchy sadness in his veins away. He should’ve expected this, he thinks.
Jin has never been good with promises.
***
His keys fall to the floor with a clang and the door shakes in the frame when Kame is shoved up against it, Jin’s arms holding him up around the waist and his lips meeting Kame’s halfway.
Kame makes a choked noise in the back of his throat, his hands splay against the back of Jin’s head, threading through his hair, and he puts every single feeling he can muster into this kiss.
“Fuck,” Jin growls, and he grinds against Kame roughly, “I’ve missed this.”
Kame gasps, searching for Jin’s eyes. They hadn’t yet bothered to turn on the lights but Jin’s eyes are bright in the darkness, bright and clear and so incredibly honest that it makes Kame pull him closer, closer than close, molding their bodies together like there hasn’t been this huge, five month gap in their relationship.
“I missed you,” Jin’s saying, breathless, perfect, his words tumbling over Kame’s skin.
“Me too,” Kame manages to choke out, pulling at Jin’s shirt and moaning when Jin rocks against him again. “Me too.”
Jin pushes him harder up against the door and Kame’s legs wrap automatically around his hips, ignoring the tiny jolt of pain and the fact he’ll probably have a sore back in the morning. It wouldn’t be the first time, after all, and stopping right now is just not an option. Jin kisses him with such fervor it’s like he’s trying to devour him from the inside out and Kame just goes with it, too overwhelmed, too fucking happy to even consider disagreeing, because fuck, he has missed this, he’s missed this so much.
“Kame,” Jin hisses, “Kame, Kame--” His hand slips beneath his shirt, fingers blazing against Kame’s rapidly heating skin, and Kame just fists a hand in his hair and licks a path up his neck and says, “Shut up, just, stop talking and fuck--”
He’s dropped almost rudely to his feet, but then Jin’s pulling at his belt and shoving a hand into his pants and Kame’s head collides painfully with the door as he lets out this shaky, tiny breath and his fingers curl into the skin of Jin’s elbow.
“Jin,” Kame breathes and he feels Jin shudder from it, from just his name, smirks as he says it over and over again, quietly into his ear until Jin slams him hard against the door and says in that terrifyingly sexy way of his, “I’m going to make you scream my name,” before kissing him fiercely again.
***
“I am freezing,” Kame complains, rubbing his hands down his arms. “If I get sick right before Music Station I’ll kill you.”
“Hey, it was your idea to make out in the fucking snow,” Jin shoots back, pouting a bit.
“You’re the one who shoved me into it in the first place,” Kame retorts, but his voice lacks bite because, really, he can’t be mad when Jin is looking at him like that.
“Sorry,” Jin mumbles, not really sounding very sorry at all. “But you were laughing at me!” he exclaims, turning indignant in half a second.
“I always laugh at you,” Kame replies with a grin. “You’re hilarious.” And, quickly, before Jin can get even angrier, Kame grabs his hand and tugs. “Let’s go before we both end up sick.”
Jin grumbles under his breath but follows Kame back out through the park, holding tightly to his hand. When they reach the street, Jin pulls at Kame until he turns around, and after darting his eyes around to check there’s no one nearby, he gives Kame one last chaste kiss.
“I’ll see you for the Music Station Live!” he says, beaming. “It’s our first ever, we’re gonna be so great.”
Kame wants to tell him to not be so confident, but his excitement is infectious and it makes Kame believe too. “Yeah, we will,” he agrees, then narrows his eyes. “Just don’t get sick before then!”
“No worries, I’m as healthy as can be!” Jin exclaims. Then bursts into a fit of coughs. When Kame frets over him, he breaks into laughter and Kame realizes he was merely faking it.
“Get lost, Akanishi,” he snaps, swatting at him, and Jin sneaks in one last kiss to Kame’s frowning lips before he dashes off with a whole-armed wave.
***
It’s snowing intensely outside and the weather is bites harshly at their skin from just the quick run to the car. Jin sits too close to Kame in the backseat, pretending he’s just that cold, but using it as a guise to hold Kame’s hand inside his pocket.
Kame gives him a frantic, sort of frightened look, trying to tell Jin that his parents are in the front, why are you so stupid?! But Jin just threads their fingers together and holds tight and, soon enough, the warmth from his touch calms Kame’s racing heart.
Kame almost doesn’t want Jin to leave, not now, so soon after they first kissed, after the words Jin had said to him. He never quite realized this is something he wanted, but as he listens to Jin chatting amiably with his fathers, feels the way he rubs his thumb over his skin, and smiles so brilliantly at him and calls him “Kazu” in that effervescent voice of his, Kame isn’t sure how he didn’t know.
He’s been alongside Jin since that first audition. He can’t imagine not being with Jin. He doesn’t even want to.
When they make it to Jin’s house, the snow’s let up a little so Kame insists going up with him. Jin tries to shove snow down Kame’s back as they walk up and Kame pushes him into it, laughing as Jin splutters and emerges with powdery snow in his hair and clinging to his eyelashes.
Kame expects Jin to shove him into the snow in retaliation, but all he does is sweep in and whisper into his ear, “I’d kiss you again but since your parents are probably watching, I’ll be a gentleman.”
Kame snorts, even though his cheeks heat up from Jin’s straightforwardness. “You’re far from being a gentleman,” he replies, pushing at Jin’s shoulders and laughing.
But Jin just beams and says, “I’ll see you in a few days, right? We have more practice!”
“Right,” Kame replies, nodding. “Have a good Christmas, Jin.”
Jin grins. “It’s already one of my favorites,” he says before disappearing inside his house and giving Kame a demented kind of kissy face from the window.
***
They only managed to make it as far as the couch, but it’d worked in their haze of desperation and lust. Now, Jin lies across the leather in sated bliss, all tan skin and beautiful lines. He looks much more filled out than before, and Kame thinks, not for the first time, that America really has been good for him. Chasing his dreams has been good for him.
He climbs off the couch and reaches for his boxers that Jin had tossed somewhere, and Jin says, “Hand me my pants, will you?”
Kame retrieves them and tosses it into Jin’s face. Jin fumbles through the pockets until he finds his lighter and cigarettes and then tugs on his jeans, leaving them undone and loose at his waist. Kame shoves his legs over and sits down beside him, and Jin swings his feet up over Kame’s lap.
“Want one?” he asks, holding the cigarette pack out at Kame.
He shakes his head. “I quit,” he replies.
“Oh, sorry,” Jin says, shrugs with one shoulder and drops the pack onto the coffee table, followed with his lighter after he lights up. Kame watches as he takes a drag and exhales silvery smoke with practiced ease, and it all feels so natural, so familiar, like this isn’t the first time they’ve seen each other in months.
He thinks of what to say now, wishes they’d talked about it all before, but then again, they’ve always been better at speaking through actions. But he doesn’t know what he can do now to tell Jin everything he wants to say.
But Jin is good at reading his mind and he says, “I meant to call you, you know. Like a lot.”
Kame snorts. “Oh really,” he says. “Why didn’t you?”
He shrugs again. “You never did, either,” he answers, turning the tables.
“You were busy,” Kame says, and it’s the excuse he told himself every time he picked up the phone and put it down without dialing.
“Well, you were too,” Jin replies and it’s a standstill.
Kame watches him smoke for awhile and then says, “It doesn’t really matter anyway, does it?”
Jin meets his eyes. “No,” he says, smirking, and pulls himself up. He straddles Kame’s lap and kisses him. He tastes of ramen and cigarettes and he’s as addictive as ever.
“I go back in January,” he says, later, and it’s a warning.
“I don’t care,” Kame tells him, runs his hands up Jin’s bare back. “Just call me this time.”
Jin laughs and nods, and lets Kame kiss him again.
***
He doesn’t expect to run into him. It would’ve been so much easier to just go home and end up with a voicemail in Jin’s frantic voice apologizing over and over, but instead Kame runs right into him as he heads toward the station, turning the corner and walking right into him.
Jin looks like he’s been caught red-handed stealing cookies from the jar and Kame feels just a moment of hope bubbling in his chest.
“Kame,” Jin says and his eyes widen. “Oh, shit. You-you weren’t waiting this whole time, were you?”
Kame’s heart sinks into his stomach. He shakes his head, thinking of a lie, when he sees it, the tiny square box in Jin’s hand, and his heart falls straight to his feet.
Jin catches his gaze and shoves his hand into his pocket. He shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it after a moment, and runs a hand through his hair in frustration. It’s a little wet from the snow, and shines under the streetlights.
“I’m sorry,” he says, eventually. “I...I was going to meet you, I really was. After, after I, well, I’m sure you can guess.”
Kame nods blankly. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Why he wasted all that time sitting there, hoping. “Forget it,” he says. “It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like I was waiting the whole time.” His lie stings but he keeps going, wishing the look of pure distraught off Jin’s face, “I gave up after twenty minutes.” He lets out a tense laugh.
“Kame--”
“Good luck,” Kame says as sincerely as he can and steps on his heart on the ground as he walks away, and forces himself not to look back.
***
He presses in, bites his lip, and Jin lets out this deep, low sound that rolls down his spine. Jin’s fingers scrape at his shoulders. Kame stares at him, his beautiful face full of raw, pure emotion, and he is so madly in love, has been since he was stupid and thirteen, and he can’t, just can’t let this go. He rocks his hips and groans, and starts to already feel lost in the heat and sensations that grip him as tightly as Jin’s fingers on his shoulders.
Jin opens his eyes and meets his gaze, bright and clear. He rolls down into the pressure and says, quietly, “Just because I’ve met her, think it’s her, doesn’t mean anything you know.”
Kame lets out a shaky breath. “You want to talk about this now?” he questions, thrusts in just a little harder.
Jin moans, and nods with his whole head. “You’re not going to walk out if I talk about it now,” he says, and really, Jin is smarter than everyone gives him credit for.
“Try me,” Kame hisses, even though he knows he wouldn’t, can’t.
“It doesn’t mean anything, Kame,” Jin says again, pivoting his hips to meet Kame’s pace.
Kame can’t decide if he’s angry or frustrated or sad. His voice takes on this exasperated tone like Jin is a four-year-old who doesn’t understand shit. “It does, you moron,” he gets out, holds Jin’s hips in his hands and pulls him close. “Why would you tell me then, if it doesn’t?”
“I don’t want to lie to you,” Jin says and each word drips with honesty. Kame can see it in his eyes. “Besides,” he goes on, nonchalant, like this isn’t a big deal, like this isn’t going to end up ripping them apart, “I don’t think she likes me anyway, you know. We only just met awhile ago.” He pauses again and he looks so contemplative that Kame pushes in just where he wants it, eliciting a gasp of surprise from Jin, then a long, drawn-out moan of pleasure when he presses there again, and again. “S-Stop,” he breathes, shaky fingers skating across Kame’s hip. “I can’t talk to you if you keep doing that.”
“That’s the point,” Kame replies, a little vengeful.
“Shut up, stop, I--” Jin gasps, pushing back into Kame’s efforts, his back arching a bit as his body gives into the feeling. “She’s nice,” he continues to say and Kame’s mind aches stop, stop, stop, but he can’t say it, he can’t, just listens helplessly. “She’s...what I’ve been looking for.”
Kame looks at him, his brutal honesty, the clear affection in his eyes from just thinking of her and his heart feels as though Jin’s is squeezing it between his fingers. Why can’t I be what you’re looking for, he thinks, and he is so fucking stupid to think it at all when he knows, when he’s always known that this is what Jin wants. And Jin, Jin never gives up on his dreams. And this, this is what Kame loves most about him.
He swallows thickly, looks away from Jin’s concerned, questioning gaze, and rocks his hips slowly, gently. Jin’s breath hitches and he curls his fingers into the back of Kame’s hair, brushing the skin at the nape of his neck.
Kame says, quietly, eventually, “She’s pretty. You like that.”
Jin pulls him down into a kiss. It’s soft and caring and an apology all rolled into one.
“I’m not giving this up yet,” is all he says afterward.
Kame should tell him no, should end it right now, right here. But instead, he holds Jin tighter, fucks him harder, and pretends everything is okay.
***
She said yes, the message reads.
He stares at it for a long, long time, and, in the end, all he can write back is:
Congratulations.