fic; revelations part 2
Jin doesn’t sleep that night, or the night after. It’s like his mind is mocking him by shoving Pi’s stupid face in front of his every time closes his eyes.
It doesn’t help that they live together. At least they only share one class. If it’d been any more, Jin would never be able to forget about this…thing.
He has no idea what it is because he doesn’t really believe he’s in love with Pi. They’ve been best friends his whole life, is it even possible to just flip a switch and have his feelings change so drastically? Jin doesn’t think so. It makes no sense. And, besides, the last thing he could ever possibly want is to ruin his friendship with Pi. And these sudden feelings will definitely do that if he dwells on it too long.
So he pushes them into the corner of his mind where everything Jin’s been learning in history and science goes, and forgets about it. He can do it, he tells himself. He doesn’t really like Pi. He doesn’t.
Pi, for the most part, doesn’t notice anything different with Jin. At least no different than usual. They are best friends though, and Pi can usually read Jin’s mind like a book, so he knows something’s been bothering him. After the first time he asks and gets Jin’s insistent, “Everything’s cool, man!” he just lets it go because he knows if something really was wrong, Jin would eventually tell him.
But Jin can’t talk to him about this. And that’s another thing that’s hard to deal with because they’ve always been friends who can tell each other anything and everything. Of course they have their secrets, too, but more often than not, there aren’t any secrets between them.
Jin’s sudden crush on his best friend, however, will be a secret he takes with him to the grave.
Jin spends a lot of time with Ryo, Nakamaru, or Koki, because when he’s around Pi, he starts to notice things that don’t help his denial at all. Things like how Pi will use Jin’s shoulder as his pillow, or how Pi will prop his feet up in Jin’s lap, how close they sit together, how often Pi will just flop on top of Jin, or how touchy-feely they are in general. Jin’s starting to realize what Ryo meant all those months ago, complaining about how gay they would act. It was never a problem then, but back then Jin didn’t also think that Pi was ridiculously hot and definitely never had the urge to kiss his full, red lips.
It’s those thoughts that freak Jin out the most. They’re also the thoughts that burn into his mind and conjure up images that brand themselves into his retinas until it’s all he sees and thinks about. And that definitely doesn’t help his denial.
Jin still won’t admit it. Just because Pi might be suddenly very, very attractive doesn’t mean that Jin really is in love with him. If Jin really wanted to, he could say that Ryo was hot, too. Not Jin’s type, what with being so short and all, but still mostly attractive. Even Shige wasn’t that unfortunate looking. Pi’s always been pretty, Jin would be stupid not to see that. So maybe this is some dumb hormone thing. Maybe everyone goes through a Find Your Best Friend Hot Phase.
Fuck, fine, probably not, but it’s the only defense Jin has and it’s easier to convince himself of this than the possibility that his feelings for Pi are changing.
In the end, it’s the will to keep things the same between them that makes Jin push the thoughts away. Because when they’re simply sitting around together, playing video games, watching movies, or talking shit on Ryo, things are fine. Things are normal.
Yes, Jin’s heart races whenever Pi leans against him or looks at him a second too long. And yes, Jin gets these stupid urges to just lean over and kiss him, but as he lies with Pi on their futon with the DVD menu playing over and over in the background because they’re both too lazy to move, Jin knows that he would rather stay friends like this than to ruin the friendship they’ve created over the past eighteen years.
At least for now.
~
There’s a huge party a few weeks after Jin’s revelations about Pi, a sort of early celebration for their upcoming winter break, since once finals start most people actually try to study for once. Jin’s actually excited to go home, if only because it’ll get him away from Pi for awhile. Maybe if he spends time away from his best friend his feelings will revert back to simply friendship instead of whatever they’ve turned into as of late.
Pi brings Keiko along with him to the party. Jin tries to keep a cool face about it, but inside he’s seething. Ryo comes with Leah, which mostly just makes Jin laugh because she’s like two feet taller than him. Even Shige goes with them that night.
It’s being hosted by this dude named Shirota who Jin started hanging out with often after they got put together to work on a project in their shared English class. He’s super cool, and hit it off with Pi and Ryo too. On the days that Pi wasn’t hanging out with Keiko, the four of them did cool shit together like play rounds and rounds of video games while trying to see who could hold their liquor, and spray-painted the sidewalks at two in the morning with various inappropriate things, and pulled pranks on Shige. He’s also like part Spanish or something which is fucking ace, because he’s teaching Jin the language too and soon Jin will have even more swag, being all trilingual and shit.
“This is bananas,” Jin exclaims excitedly when Shirota greets him with a fist-bump.
“You know it is, man,” Shirota replies. “Glad you could make it.”
“Was there any doubt that he wouldn’t be here?” Pi says, looking amused. “He’s been talking about this for days.”
“Shut up, Pi,” Jin exclaims, shoving at him, and both Pi and Shirota laugh. Glaring at them both, he snaps, “I’m getting some drinks,” and heads off in search of beer.
In the beginning, it’s fun. Nearly everyone Jin likes is there and he’s having a blast drinking and dancing and partying. And then the night turns out to be almost like that night months ago when Pi hadn’t gone to the party at Murakami’s with him. Except it’s much worse, because while Pi is there his only attention seems to be focused on Keiko.
Jin tries to ignore it, but it’s a little hard when they start to make out right next to him. He gets fed up after three minutes, not just of Pi and Keiko but of these stupid feelings that have started to take over him. He can barely concentrate on having fun because it feels like a hand has shoved through his chest and is twisting his heart within his fingers. Or something.
Jin storms into Shirota’s room and into the bathroom. He bangs the door shut after him but it doesn’t latch, just rebounds off the frame and hangs open a crack. He doesn’t care. No one is going to come looking for him, anyway.
He runs the faucet and washes his face, shaking his head to try and clear it of the ridiculous thoughts that have been plaguing him for days now. He has to get over this. Even if he does like Pi, there’s nothing he can do about it. Not when Pi clearly likes Keiko. Jin isn’t dumb enough to try and get in the middle of that. Pi’s happy, so as his best friend, Jin should be happy. (He isn’t, but he should be.)
“Right,” he says aloud to his reflection. “Get over it, Akanishi.”
He sighs and shuts off the faucet, dries off, and is about to reach for the door when a loud bang from within the room sounds, followed by very obvious giggles and a breathy, “Tomo-chan.”
Jin’s eyes widen and he freezes with his hand outstretched in front of him because he knows that voice (he’s heard it so much over the last month that he can’t not know it) and he what’s just happened. It’s like the entire universe is testing him by having Pi and Keiko walk into Shirota’s room right now.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, his mind screams, and he hesitates for three seconds between just walking out (and spitefully ruin their moment) or sucking it up and hiding in the fucking bathroom. Maybe…maybe they’ll leave. Maybe they just came in to get something.
And then Keiko moans, and Jin thinks he’s a fucking idiot.
In a last minute whim, he flips the light switch off in the bathroom and sinks down to the floor by the door. He can just barely make them out from the open crack, but it’s definitely Pi and Keiko, because Jin would recognize Pi even if he were blind.
They don’t leave, of course they don’t, and from where Jin is watching Pi is pressing Keiko down onto the bed. She’s pulling him with her, a hand fisted at the front of his shirt, and then they’re kissing, and Jin can just see it, the way their mouths meet over and over again while their bodies move together.
Jin squeezes his eyes shut. He shouldn’t be watching, he shouldn’t be hiding like a fucking idiot in the bathroom, he should walk out right now, pretend he’s drunk and just leave before they can even tell it’s him. But his body won’t move and he sits there on the bathroom floor, hating the mess his life has seemed to become in the past few weeks, hating himself for not being able to deal with it, hating Keiko for being fucking perfect for Pi, and hating Pi for realizing, for choosing this night of all nights to fuck his girlfriend and-
Jin’s eyes pop open at the low, throaty noise that reverberates through the room. And as his gaze focuses he knows what caused it: Keiko’s hand down the front of Pi’s open jeans while Pi rests his forehead on her shoulder and moans.
And what’s worse is that it’s making Jin’s heart race faster, no longer with the anxiety of being caught watching his best friend fuck a girl in the bathroom or the uncertainty of whether he should stay or leave. No. Now, now his heart is beating so hard he’s sure it will pound right through his chest because fuck if that noise Pi just made wasn’t the hottest thing Jin’s ever heard in his life.
Of course, he thinks bitterly, of fucking course. He can’t just sit here and wait until they’re done; he has to be completely turned on, too. And he will be if Pi keeps making sounds like that, the ones that have Jin’s blood rushing in his veins and hotter around the collar.
“I am so not drunk enough for this,” he whispers to himself, and he can’t look away anymore even though he should, even though he’s getting turned on by his best friend and that’s exactly what he’s been trying to ignore since this all started.
So he watches, mesmerized, as Keiko slides Pi’s shirt up and over his head and then trails her fingers down his back. Pi undoes her blouse, popping the buttons and following them with his lips, and she arches up against him and one of her hands finds his hair, holds on tight. She unfastens her own jeans and pushes them down her hips and then Pi is kissing her again and Jin doesn’t miss the hand that slips between her legs.
She cries out into his mouth and Jin swears under his breath because every second that he sits here the more turned on he’s starting to get. He can feel his jeans tight over his arousal and he bites his lower lip to keep from giving in, because the last thing he wants to do in this mess is to get off on Pi fucking his girlfriend.
But then Pi is leaning down, still working his fingers between Keiko’s legs, only now he’s following with his tongue. As Jin can really see is Keiko’s thighs quivering, one hand tight in Pi’s hair, the other twisting the bedsheets as she presses her head back against the pillows and lets out moan after moan.
Sex is something Pi and Jin have never really talked about, not like this. They’ve both done it before, and they’ve informed each other of their first times and really good times and those awful need-to-forget times, but they never talk about it otherwise. Jin doesn’t know what Pi normally does to a girl, or how he likes it, but he clearly seems to be enjoying himself when Keiko tugs him viciously up with the hand in his hair and whispers, “Tomo,” into his ear.
Pi doesn’t even waste a breath after that, pushing down his pants and boxers as Keiko rushes to remove her panties. Their clothes fall to the floor, though not before Pi grabs a condom from his wallet, and then they’re kissing again, their bodies aligned perfectly across the bed.
Keiko puts the condom on for Pi who makes another deliciously low sound that has Jin finally giving in. He can’t control it anymore, thinks he might just die in Shirota’s bathroom if he doesn’t get off. He’ll probably never be able to face Pi again after this, but that’s not much different from how things have been going between them lately. So he might as well just do this, right? Pi will never have to know, and like Jin’s feelings for his best friend, Jin will take this with him to the grave.
He lets out a sigh of relief as he wraps a hand around himself, reminding himself to be as quiet as possible, though with the way the two seem absorbed in each other, Jin probably could just walk out right now and they’d never notice. Of course that’s not something he wants to risk, so he stays in his hidden spot and jerks off instead.
When Pi finally pushes into Keiko, Jin has to cover his own mouth to keep from moaning aloud with him. Pi’s groan is deep and frighteningly sexy and it makes Jin hotter, harder, fisting himself faster because he won’t be able to take much more of this.
Fortunately it seems like they’re at their limit too, rocking together faster and harder as they get closer to their impending release. Pi is mouthing Keiko’s jaw, one hand up to press against her breast under her bra, and she’s wrapped a hand around his back, fingers playing with the hair along the nape of his neck.
And just when it starts to get unbearable, heat coiling in the pit of his stomach, Keiko tenses for a second before crying out. She trembles under Pi who thrusts into her just a few more times. And when he comes, Jin does too, his eyes clenched tight as he spills over his fingers and hears Pi’s low grunt ringing in his ears for a long time afterward.
They’re catching their breath and kissing languidly before finally pulling apart to redress. Jin manages to get some tissues to clean up, wincing at the noises he makes, but thankfully they don’t seem to hear.
Then his heart falls into his stomach when Keiko says, “Hold on, I’m going to use the bathroom,” and turns toward the door that Jin’s hiding behind.
Alarms go off in his head, what the fuck should he do? He contemplates pretending to be passed out on the floor (it wouldn’t be the first time), when Pi says in a rather hoarse voice that makes Jin’s skin tingle, “Use the other one. I think people will be suspicious if we’re in here too long.”
Keiko laughs but backs away and joins Pi by the bedroom door. “I think they’ll know anyway,” she says before kissing him and Jin looks away, can’t take the emotions that are invading his veins. He’d hoped, somewhere deep inside, that maybe getting off on Pi and Keiko would like magically remove the feelings he’s built up for Pi, but it’s obvious that’s not the case. In fact, Jin’s positive he knows the truth now, the truth that he’s been denying all this time. It’s obvious when he can’t even watch them kiss, can’t take the loving way that Pi looks at Keiko and how he slips his hand around hers.
Only once they leave does Jin finally let out a staggering breath of relief. He gets up, waits a couple of minutes so people don’t end up getting the wrong idea seeing him walk out after them, and then leaves.
He goes back to the dorm. He ignores Shirota and Koki who stop him on the way and try to shove drinks into his hand.
“Sorry, guys,” he mumbles repeatedly. “I’m tired. I’m going back.”
Thankfully he doesn’t see Pi on the way to the door, and he escapes without casualty. Once back in his room, he strips out of his clothes, climbs up into his bed and hides under the covers.
He can’t sleep that night, but it’s because every time he closes his eyes he remembers what he witnessed, remembers Pi’s voice and Pi’s body and remembers everything that he wishes hadn’t happened. If it hadn’t happened he wouldn’t have realized that, yes, just maybe, he’s in love with his best friend.
~
“I told you so,” is Ryo’s exceedingly unhelpful response a week later when Jin reveals everything that’s been plaguing him for the past month. He leaves out the whole catching Pi and Keiko having sex thing, because Ryo would never let him live that down.
Ryo won’t let Jin live down his crush on Pi, either, but Jin is just too desperate to talk to someone that he can’t find it in him to care.
“What should I do, Ryo-chan?” Jin whines pitifully from where he’s sitting on Ryo’s bed, hugging a pillow to his chest. He pouts. “I can’t do anything, can I? He has Keiko. He wouldn’t love me.”
Ryo actually looks sympathetic. “You don’t know that,” he says quietly.
Jin scoffs. “Yeah, right,” he mutters. “Why would he?”
“You should tell him,” Ryo says.
“Are you insane?!” Jin exclaims. “That’s the last thing I need, for Pi to know I’m harboring unrequited gay feelings for him.”
“You guys already harbor gay feelings for each other,” Ryo points out, again, unhelpfully. “It’s why you’re such good friends to begin with.”
“Well, yeah, but…” Jin sighs, squeezes his pillow tighter. “This is different. I don’t want things to change. If he hates me because I love him, I couldn’t live with that.”
“Oh, stop being so dramatic,” Ryo bitches. “He’s your best friend. Give him more credit. If, say, he was in your position, and told you he loved you, would you hate him? Could you ever hate him?”
“No,” Jin says instantly. “I could never hate Pi.”
“I’m sure the feeling is mutual, then,” Ryo says with certainty. “Things will be different, but you’ll still be best friends.”
“But you don’t know that,” Jin insists. “Maybe he’ll shun me forever, maybe-”
He stops talking abruptly when the door opens and Pi walks into the room. Pi freezes, glances between Ryo and Jin, sensing that he’s just walked into the middle of an important conversation.
“What’s up?” he asks casually, closing the door behind him slowly. He stands there awkwardly, looks at Jin.
Jin looks away, shrugs. “Just talking,” he replies simply.
“You two have been hanging out a lot the past week,” Pi says in a clipped voice and Jin turns to him again, confusion in his eyes.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Jin replies, confused because Pi sounds jealous. But he has been hanging out with Ryo a lot lately. He wasn’t exactly hiding it.
“Why-” Pi starts and then stops himself, seems to contemplate his words before asking gently, casting worried eyes onto Jin, “Is something wrong?”
Now Jin is really lost. “No,” he lies. “Things are fine.” He pauses for a second and then asks, “Did Keiko-chan go back to her room?”
Pi blinks like he doesn’t know who Jin is talking about and then he nods quickly. “Oh, yeah,” he says and slumps back against the door, hanging his head.
Jin glances at Ryo who raises a brow in question. Jin shrugs, shakes his head. Ryo turns to Pi and asks, “Everything okay?”
Pi heaves a deep sigh and walks over to flop onto Jin. He doesn’t seem to notice the way Jin tenses or how his eyes widen and he looks to Ryo for help (who just smirks unhelpfully), but then Jin relaxes because, despite his unbearable feelings for Pi, Pi’s still his best friend and that hasn’t changed.
“You okay, buddy?” Jin asks, wrapping an arm around Pi’s waist and poking the skin there.
“Yeah,” Pi mumbles into Jin’s knee. “Keiko-chan’s just gotten kind of, I don’t know, clingy and shit. It’s fucking annoying.”
Jin tries very hard not to let the happiness sound in his voice. Ryo rolls his eyes at him but Jin is too gleeful to care. “Oh,” he says, trying to be consoling. “That sucks.”
Pi nods and is about to speak when his phone rings in his pocket. He sits up reluctantly to answer it only to scowl the second he sees the screen. “It’s Keiko-chan,” he says.
“Don’t answer,” Jin replies and ignores the look Ryo shoots him. “She just left, Pi. She’s proving the clingy thing.”
“Yeah,” Ryo chimes in. “Just call her back later.”
Pi stares at his phone for a second and then nods, tosses the phone onto the rug in the middle of Ryo’s room. It rings three more times and then shuts off. Two seconds later the phone beeps, signaling a voicemail, but Pi doesn’t move to answer it.
Feeling decidedly happy about this whole situation, Jin pats Pi on the back twice and says, “What you need, my friend, is a guy’s night. No girls, no distractions. Just some booze and video games and movies with fast cars and lots of violence.”
Pi laughs, leaning back toward Jin so Jin’s arm ends up around his shoulders. “Sounds like a pretty awesome plan,” he agrees.
“Sweet!” Jin exclaims. “Let’s go. Come on, Shorty,” he adds to Ryo who flips him off in response but follows without a word.
It’s the best night Jin’s had for awhile, because true to the nature of a Guy’s Night Out (even thought they all stayed in), Pi shuts off his phone and ignores all possible texts and phone calls from Keiko and doesn’t even mention her once. It’s just the three of them hanging out and enjoying themselves with drinks that Ryo had sneaked into his room a couple of days ago and watching awful movies that they end up making more fun of then actually watching.
Pi sits by Jin, shoulders pressed together and when he occasionally leans his head on Jin’s shoulder, Jin can smell the shampoo he uses, spicy and citrusy at the same time. He’s perfectly fine with this closeness because right now this is the best thing he can get, and he’ll take it, even if he has to wonder how Pi can’t hear the way his heart is pounding against his chest.
He thinks about what Ryo had said earlier, that Pi wouldn’t give a fuck if Jin was in love with him. That, after the initial shock, things would remain the same. Jin wonders if it’s possible, wonders if he could even admit to Pi that he likes him when he only just admitted to himself a week ago (and only told Ryo because he was driving himself insane not having anyone to talk to about it). He thinks about how things would be different, if Pi would be as inclined to just use Jin as his pillow, if Jin could act with Pi the same, knowing that Pi has technically rejected him, and wonders if any of that would be worth it, in the end.
He doesn’t think so. He’d much rather just remain friends.
The problem is that it’s getting much harder to keep these feelings all to himself.
~
On the last day of finals, just before their winter break, Keiko dumps Pi. Jin walks in on them right as Keiko seems to have finished, looking flushed and furious while Pi stands a few feet away from her with his arms crossed over his chest. His expression is entirely unreadable, and all he says is a quiet, “I’m sorry.”
Clearly Keiko doesn’t think this is good enough because she says, “We’re done,” and then turns on her heel and heads for the door.
She stops when she sees Jin, and then her expression turns sour, and the look she gives him is full of disdain. Jin merely steps aside and holds the door open for her, not sure what he did to warrant such a reaction from her, and feels slightly vindictive in slamming the door shut after her when she stomps out of the room.
Jin turns to Pi and says, “You okay?”
Pi seems a little dazed, like he’s not sure what just happened, but then he nods. He smiles, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Yeah,” he says, eventually. “I wasn’t really all that surprised.”
Jin is, though, and he says, “Really? I thought things were going well.” He still hasn’t forgotten that night he’d caught them together; it plays in his mind like a broken film every once in awhile.
Pi shrugs. “Stuff happens,” he says, but doesn’t elaborate. Jin doesn’t push him. Pi’s never been very open about his relationships, and Jin knows if he wants to talk about it, he will.
So instead, cheerfully, he says, “Well, we’re going home tomorrow, so you’ll have a whole week to mope around and get fat off ice cream and watch stupid shoujo anime to get over your crushed heart.”
Pi cracks a small smile at that, a real one, and Jin feels himself grinning back. “That’s what girls usually do after breakups.”
“Yeah, well, you’re kind of girly too. Especially in the face,” Jin replies and laughs outright when Pi slugs him in the arm. Jin squeezes his shoulder and adds, “I’ll be there too, watching the anime with you, letting you cry in my shoulder and-Ow, Pi!”
“I am not going to cry, you ass,” Pi says, but he’s smiling and looking much better than when Jin had walked in. “Are you done with your finals?” he asks after a moment and Jin nods excitedly.
“Just finished the last one!” he exclaims. “You have your last one tomorrow, right?”
Pi nods. “In the morning. We can head back around ten if that’s cool.”
“Fine with me,” Jin says, and when he notices Pi packing up his backpack, asks, “Where are you going?”
“There’s a study group for the exam tomorrow. Figured I’d stop by,” Pi says. “We can meet up for dinner around six?”
“Okay,” Jin agrees. “See you later.” He watches Pi leave before letting out a sigh, and then a grin takes over his face. He shouldn’t be happy, not really, because Pi did really like Keiko and it’s wrong to be happy about anyone breaking up, but he can’t help the pleasure that fills his veins in knowing that Keiko will no longer be around.
That even, maybe, if Jin has the courage to do so, he could tell Pi how he feels without being completely shot down.
He doesn’t think he will, but the thought it nice. And for their whole upcoming vacation, Jin will be able to have Pi for himself.
~
Having Pi all to himself ends up driving Jin nuts. They don’t see each other as easily as they did sharing the same room back at school, but living merely a couple blocks away from each other makes it simple to meet up like they used to in high school and they see each other normally like always. And it’s making Jin crazy because now, there’s no one else around to be his buffer. It was so much easier to hide his feelings when they were hanging out with friends, but when it’s just the two of them like this, hanging out around town, going to movies, or eating yakiniku together for lunch, Jin finds it suddenly harder to not just shove himself onto his best friend.
He actually spends a whole ten minutes one day thinking about what Pi would do if he did do that, and the idea becomes increasingly tempting until Jin thinks he’s not sure if that’s how he’d want things to go with Pi in the first place.
If Pi notices anything wrong with Jin he doesn’t mention it. He’s mostly subdued during their vacation and Jin hates wondering if it’s because of his breakup with Keiko. Pi still hasn’t told him what happened, and Jin hasn’t asked, but that’s another thing that’s eating up inside him. Jin’s curious and he dislikes that Pi’s keeping it a secret.
He doesn’t find out until the day before they return to school, and it’s almost by complete accident, like Pi wasn’t even intending on telling him. They had gone out to karaoke with some old high school friends, spending too much time singing and drinking, and they were both a little tipsy when they’d returned to Jin’s home and hid in his bedroom.
Jin’s lying across his bed and Pi is sitting on the floor by his head, laughing as Jin talks about how much their old friends have changed and how weird it was to see Toma dating Yui when they seemed to hate each other in high school.
“I would never have guessed, man,” Jin says, still amused just thinking about it. “Guess things like that just happen, huh?” he asks, even though he knows it firsthand, after all, that’s how his feelings for Pi morphed from friendship into something like love.
Pi doesn’t answer right away but when he does, his voice is low, contemplative. “Yeah,” he says slowly, “it really does.”
There’s just something about the way he’s speaking that makes Jin sit up straighter, even if it makes his head spin. “Pi?” he prompts gently, reaching out to pat his friend’s shoulder.
Pi doesn’t move, but he says, “You know why Keiko broke up with me?”
Jin shakes his head. “I didn’t want to ask. I knew you’d tell me if you wanted to.”
“I told you how she was being really clingy?” Pi continues slowly, almost like he’s talking to himself. “She was being like that because he didn’t think I really liked her.”
Jin doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything more ridiculous. “What?” he demands, feeling angry on Pi’s behalf. “Why would she think that when you obviously love her?”
There’s silence for a few seconds and then Pi laughs. The reaction is so unexpected that Jin doesn’t know what to do or say except watch as Pi seems to shake from his mirth. Then he turns around and says affectionately, his eyes bright, “You idiot.”
Jin stares. Then, “WHAT,” he exclaims, utterly lost and trying to reflect back on just how much Pi had to drink.
“I don’t love Keiko,” Pi says, still laughing.
Jin thinks he’s missed something. “But you two were always together and shit. You were really happy with her, and then depressed when she dumped you and-”
Pi shakes his head and interrupts, “She’s cute and she’s nice, and yeah, we were dating for awhile, but I don’t love her.”
“What the fuck, Pi?” Jin says uncomprehendingly. “If you don’t love her, then-”
His words are cut off yet again but this time it’s because Pi has pressed his lips against his. Jin’s eyes are wide, staring up into Pi’s own for a moment before they fall shut and he gives in, kisses back.
And Jin thinks, for a second, that he must be dreaming, because this is what he’s been wanting for the past month and half or however long it’s been since he started pining over his best friend. But it’s better than the moments he’d had the urge to just kiss him, it’s better than any kiss he’s had with any girl before, it’s better than the Pink Dom one of his high school friends had sneaked into the karaoke booth that night, and it’s better than anything else Jin’s ever liked or wanted because it’ s Pi and it’s real.
Fuck, at least he hopes it’s real.
Though when Pi pushes him back against the bed and clambers over him and his tongue slips past Jin’s lips, Jin’s pretty sure that it is real.
But, just in case, he needs to make sure. He’s wanted this for too long for it to end in a drunken kiss that they both forget in the morning.
It takes a moment because Pi is a fucking good kisser (and he can’t even be jealous about it because it’s that good) and Jin doesn’t really want to stop in the first place, but he finally breaks away, pushing a hand to Pi’s shoulder to give some space between them.
“Um,” Jin says slowly, licking his lips and liking the way Pi doesn’t even hide his stare. “Did this really just happen?”
Pi laughs. “Do you mean me kissing you?”
“Yeah,” Jin says, “I didn’t just dream it?”
“Why? Do you usually dream about me kissing you?” Pi replies with a smirk and Jin feels his cheeks heat up furiously.
He punches Pi half-heartedly in the arm and exclaims, “NO.”
Pi raises a brow skeptically. “Oh really,” he says simply. “I guess you just like to hide in bathrooms and watch me have sex instead,” he adds and Jin’s heart falls into his stomach.
“Oh my god,” he breathes. “How do you even-”
“I saw you,” Pi cuts in quickly, like this is something he’s wanted to say for a long time. “I saw you go into Yuu’s room, but I thought you’d gotten out before Keiko and I went in.” He pauses, staring down at Jin whose eyes are wide in embarrassment and disbelief. “But then I saw the light in the bathroom turn off. I didn’t know it was you for sure until you came out of the room after us.”
Jin hides behind his hands. “Fuck,” he hisses, “I can’t believe you knew.” He groans. “I thought was going to die, that night.”
“Jin,” Pi says, pulling Jin’s hands away from his face until he’s got them pinned on either side of Jin’s head.
Pi doesn’t say anything more and Jin’s not entirely sure what he wants and the way he stares down at Jin is unnerving. Jin bites the corner of his lip, and then with boldness he didn’t think he had, he leans up and kisses Pi again.
Pi reciprocates immediately and Jin makes a tiny noise in the back of his throat that has Pi kissing him harder. Jin really can’t believe this is happening and he slides his fingers up into Pi’s hair, pulling him closer like he’s trying to fuse their bodies together.
He pulls away again when the need to breathe is too great, and he laughs breathlessly as Pi presses his forehead against Jin’s shoulder, lies on top of him.
“This is why I don’t love Keiko,” Pi says after a couple of moments of silence and once the words register in Jin’s brain, once he realizes what Pi’s trying to say, Jin feels his heart swell in his chest and a smile stretches across his lips.
“You fucking asshole,” Jin says, half angry, half incredulous. “Why didn’t you say something?! I’ve been going insane the past month because I thought I was in love with you!”
Pi looks surprised, but then his gaze softens and he squeezes Jin tight around the waist. “I didn’t exactly think that you did,” he admits and squirms off Jin when Jin pinches him in the side.
“Fucking hell, Pi,” Jin grumbles.
“Yeah, well, now you know,” Pi says, lying on his side beside Jin and Jin turns until he’s facing Pi as well. “And I know you like me back.” He pauses and confirms, “You do, right?”
“I wouldn’t have just kissed you if I did,” Jin replies and his heart thuds rapidly in his chest when Pi reaches between them to intertwine their hands.
“Good,” Pi says happily, and presses his lips to Jin’s again.
~
(When they return to the dorms the next day, the first thing Ryo says when he sees them is, “Oh, thank fucking god.”)
It doesn’t help that they live together. At least they only share one class. If it’d been any more, Jin would never be able to forget about this…thing.
He has no idea what it is because he doesn’t really believe he’s in love with Pi. They’ve been best friends his whole life, is it even possible to just flip a switch and have his feelings change so drastically? Jin doesn’t think so. It makes no sense. And, besides, the last thing he could ever possibly want is to ruin his friendship with Pi. And these sudden feelings will definitely do that if he dwells on it too long.
So he pushes them into the corner of his mind where everything Jin’s been learning in history and science goes, and forgets about it. He can do it, he tells himself. He doesn’t really like Pi. He doesn’t.
Pi, for the most part, doesn’t notice anything different with Jin. At least no different than usual. They are best friends though, and Pi can usually read Jin’s mind like a book, so he knows something’s been bothering him. After the first time he asks and gets Jin’s insistent, “Everything’s cool, man!” he just lets it go because he knows if something really was wrong, Jin would eventually tell him.
But Jin can’t talk to him about this. And that’s another thing that’s hard to deal with because they’ve always been friends who can tell each other anything and everything. Of course they have their secrets, too, but more often than not, there aren’t any secrets between them.
Jin’s sudden crush on his best friend, however, will be a secret he takes with him to the grave.
Jin spends a lot of time with Ryo, Nakamaru, or Koki, because when he’s around Pi, he starts to notice things that don’t help his denial at all. Things like how Pi will use Jin’s shoulder as his pillow, or how Pi will prop his feet up in Jin’s lap, how close they sit together, how often Pi will just flop on top of Jin, or how touchy-feely they are in general. Jin’s starting to realize what Ryo meant all those months ago, complaining about how gay they would act. It was never a problem then, but back then Jin didn’t also think that Pi was ridiculously hot and definitely never had the urge to kiss his full, red lips.
It’s those thoughts that freak Jin out the most. They’re also the thoughts that burn into his mind and conjure up images that brand themselves into his retinas until it’s all he sees and thinks about. And that definitely doesn’t help his denial.
Jin still won’t admit it. Just because Pi might be suddenly very, very attractive doesn’t mean that Jin really is in love with him. If Jin really wanted to, he could say that Ryo was hot, too. Not Jin’s type, what with being so short and all, but still mostly attractive. Even Shige wasn’t that unfortunate looking. Pi’s always been pretty, Jin would be stupid not to see that. So maybe this is some dumb hormone thing. Maybe everyone goes through a Find Your Best Friend Hot Phase.
Fuck, fine, probably not, but it’s the only defense Jin has and it’s easier to convince himself of this than the possibility that his feelings for Pi are changing.
In the end, it’s the will to keep things the same between them that makes Jin push the thoughts away. Because when they’re simply sitting around together, playing video games, watching movies, or talking shit on Ryo, things are fine. Things are normal.
Yes, Jin’s heart races whenever Pi leans against him or looks at him a second too long. And yes, Jin gets these stupid urges to just lean over and kiss him, but as he lies with Pi on their futon with the DVD menu playing over and over in the background because they’re both too lazy to move, Jin knows that he would rather stay friends like this than to ruin the friendship they’ve created over the past eighteen years.
At least for now.
~
There’s a huge party a few weeks after Jin’s revelations about Pi, a sort of early celebration for their upcoming winter break, since once finals start most people actually try to study for once. Jin’s actually excited to go home, if only because it’ll get him away from Pi for awhile. Maybe if he spends time away from his best friend his feelings will revert back to simply friendship instead of whatever they’ve turned into as of late.
Pi brings Keiko along with him to the party. Jin tries to keep a cool face about it, but inside he’s seething. Ryo comes with Leah, which mostly just makes Jin laugh because she’s like two feet taller than him. Even Shige goes with them that night.
It’s being hosted by this dude named Shirota who Jin started hanging out with often after they got put together to work on a project in their shared English class. He’s super cool, and hit it off with Pi and Ryo too. On the days that Pi wasn’t hanging out with Keiko, the four of them did cool shit together like play rounds and rounds of video games while trying to see who could hold their liquor, and spray-painted the sidewalks at two in the morning with various inappropriate things, and pulled pranks on Shige. He’s also like part Spanish or something which is fucking ace, because he’s teaching Jin the language too and soon Jin will have even more swag, being all trilingual and shit.
“This is bananas,” Jin exclaims excitedly when Shirota greets him with a fist-bump.
“You know it is, man,” Shirota replies. “Glad you could make it.”
“Was there any doubt that he wouldn’t be here?” Pi says, looking amused. “He’s been talking about this for days.”
“Shut up, Pi,” Jin exclaims, shoving at him, and both Pi and Shirota laugh. Glaring at them both, he snaps, “I’m getting some drinks,” and heads off in search of beer.
In the beginning, it’s fun. Nearly everyone Jin likes is there and he’s having a blast drinking and dancing and partying. And then the night turns out to be almost like that night months ago when Pi hadn’t gone to the party at Murakami’s with him. Except it’s much worse, because while Pi is there his only attention seems to be focused on Keiko.
Jin tries to ignore it, but it’s a little hard when they start to make out right next to him. He gets fed up after three minutes, not just of Pi and Keiko but of these stupid feelings that have started to take over him. He can barely concentrate on having fun because it feels like a hand has shoved through his chest and is twisting his heart within his fingers. Or something.
Jin storms into Shirota’s room and into the bathroom. He bangs the door shut after him but it doesn’t latch, just rebounds off the frame and hangs open a crack. He doesn’t care. No one is going to come looking for him, anyway.
He runs the faucet and washes his face, shaking his head to try and clear it of the ridiculous thoughts that have been plaguing him for days now. He has to get over this. Even if he does like Pi, there’s nothing he can do about it. Not when Pi clearly likes Keiko. Jin isn’t dumb enough to try and get in the middle of that. Pi’s happy, so as his best friend, Jin should be happy. (He isn’t, but he should be.)
“Right,” he says aloud to his reflection. “Get over it, Akanishi.”
He sighs and shuts off the faucet, dries off, and is about to reach for the door when a loud bang from within the room sounds, followed by very obvious giggles and a breathy, “Tomo-chan.”
Jin’s eyes widen and he freezes with his hand outstretched in front of him because he knows that voice (he’s heard it so much over the last month that he can’t not know it) and he what’s just happened. It’s like the entire universe is testing him by having Pi and Keiko walk into Shirota’s room right now.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, his mind screams, and he hesitates for three seconds between just walking out (and spitefully ruin their moment) or sucking it up and hiding in the fucking bathroom. Maybe…maybe they’ll leave. Maybe they just came in to get something.
And then Keiko moans, and Jin thinks he’s a fucking idiot.
In a last minute whim, he flips the light switch off in the bathroom and sinks down to the floor by the door. He can just barely make them out from the open crack, but it’s definitely Pi and Keiko, because Jin would recognize Pi even if he were blind.
They don’t leave, of course they don’t, and from where Jin is watching Pi is pressing Keiko down onto the bed. She’s pulling him with her, a hand fisted at the front of his shirt, and then they’re kissing, and Jin can just see it, the way their mouths meet over and over again while their bodies move together.
Jin squeezes his eyes shut. He shouldn’t be watching, he shouldn’t be hiding like a fucking idiot in the bathroom, he should walk out right now, pretend he’s drunk and just leave before they can even tell it’s him. But his body won’t move and he sits there on the bathroom floor, hating the mess his life has seemed to become in the past few weeks, hating himself for not being able to deal with it, hating Keiko for being fucking perfect for Pi, and hating Pi for realizing, for choosing this night of all nights to fuck his girlfriend and-
Jin’s eyes pop open at the low, throaty noise that reverberates through the room. And as his gaze focuses he knows what caused it: Keiko’s hand down the front of Pi’s open jeans while Pi rests his forehead on her shoulder and moans.
And what’s worse is that it’s making Jin’s heart race faster, no longer with the anxiety of being caught watching his best friend fuck a girl in the bathroom or the uncertainty of whether he should stay or leave. No. Now, now his heart is beating so hard he’s sure it will pound right through his chest because fuck if that noise Pi just made wasn’t the hottest thing Jin’s ever heard in his life.
Of course, he thinks bitterly, of fucking course. He can’t just sit here and wait until they’re done; he has to be completely turned on, too. And he will be if Pi keeps making sounds like that, the ones that have Jin’s blood rushing in his veins and hotter around the collar.
“I am so not drunk enough for this,” he whispers to himself, and he can’t look away anymore even though he should, even though he’s getting turned on by his best friend and that’s exactly what he’s been trying to ignore since this all started.
So he watches, mesmerized, as Keiko slides Pi’s shirt up and over his head and then trails her fingers down his back. Pi undoes her blouse, popping the buttons and following them with his lips, and she arches up against him and one of her hands finds his hair, holds on tight. She unfastens her own jeans and pushes them down her hips and then Pi is kissing her again and Jin doesn’t miss the hand that slips between her legs.
She cries out into his mouth and Jin swears under his breath because every second that he sits here the more turned on he’s starting to get. He can feel his jeans tight over his arousal and he bites his lower lip to keep from giving in, because the last thing he wants to do in this mess is to get off on Pi fucking his girlfriend.
But then Pi is leaning down, still working his fingers between Keiko’s legs, only now he’s following with his tongue. As Jin can really see is Keiko’s thighs quivering, one hand tight in Pi’s hair, the other twisting the bedsheets as she presses her head back against the pillows and lets out moan after moan.
Sex is something Pi and Jin have never really talked about, not like this. They’ve both done it before, and they’ve informed each other of their first times and really good times and those awful need-to-forget times, but they never talk about it otherwise. Jin doesn’t know what Pi normally does to a girl, or how he likes it, but he clearly seems to be enjoying himself when Keiko tugs him viciously up with the hand in his hair and whispers, “Tomo,” into his ear.
Pi doesn’t even waste a breath after that, pushing down his pants and boxers as Keiko rushes to remove her panties. Their clothes fall to the floor, though not before Pi grabs a condom from his wallet, and then they’re kissing again, their bodies aligned perfectly across the bed.
Keiko puts the condom on for Pi who makes another deliciously low sound that has Jin finally giving in. He can’t control it anymore, thinks he might just die in Shirota’s bathroom if he doesn’t get off. He’ll probably never be able to face Pi again after this, but that’s not much different from how things have been going between them lately. So he might as well just do this, right? Pi will never have to know, and like Jin’s feelings for his best friend, Jin will take this with him to the grave.
He lets out a sigh of relief as he wraps a hand around himself, reminding himself to be as quiet as possible, though with the way the two seem absorbed in each other, Jin probably could just walk out right now and they’d never notice. Of course that’s not something he wants to risk, so he stays in his hidden spot and jerks off instead.
When Pi finally pushes into Keiko, Jin has to cover his own mouth to keep from moaning aloud with him. Pi’s groan is deep and frighteningly sexy and it makes Jin hotter, harder, fisting himself faster because he won’t be able to take much more of this.
Fortunately it seems like they’re at their limit too, rocking together faster and harder as they get closer to their impending release. Pi is mouthing Keiko’s jaw, one hand up to press against her breast under her bra, and she’s wrapped a hand around his back, fingers playing with the hair along the nape of his neck.
And just when it starts to get unbearable, heat coiling in the pit of his stomach, Keiko tenses for a second before crying out. She trembles under Pi who thrusts into her just a few more times. And when he comes, Jin does too, his eyes clenched tight as he spills over his fingers and hears Pi’s low grunt ringing in his ears for a long time afterward.
They’re catching their breath and kissing languidly before finally pulling apart to redress. Jin manages to get some tissues to clean up, wincing at the noises he makes, but thankfully they don’t seem to hear.
Then his heart falls into his stomach when Keiko says, “Hold on, I’m going to use the bathroom,” and turns toward the door that Jin’s hiding behind.
Alarms go off in his head, what the fuck should he do? He contemplates pretending to be passed out on the floor (it wouldn’t be the first time), when Pi says in a rather hoarse voice that makes Jin’s skin tingle, “Use the other one. I think people will be suspicious if we’re in here too long.”
Keiko laughs but backs away and joins Pi by the bedroom door. “I think they’ll know anyway,” she says before kissing him and Jin looks away, can’t take the emotions that are invading his veins. He’d hoped, somewhere deep inside, that maybe getting off on Pi and Keiko would like magically remove the feelings he’s built up for Pi, but it’s obvious that’s not the case. In fact, Jin’s positive he knows the truth now, the truth that he’s been denying all this time. It’s obvious when he can’t even watch them kiss, can’t take the loving way that Pi looks at Keiko and how he slips his hand around hers.
Only once they leave does Jin finally let out a staggering breath of relief. He gets up, waits a couple of minutes so people don’t end up getting the wrong idea seeing him walk out after them, and then leaves.
He goes back to the dorm. He ignores Shirota and Koki who stop him on the way and try to shove drinks into his hand.
“Sorry, guys,” he mumbles repeatedly. “I’m tired. I’m going back.”
Thankfully he doesn’t see Pi on the way to the door, and he escapes without casualty. Once back in his room, he strips out of his clothes, climbs up into his bed and hides under the covers.
He can’t sleep that night, but it’s because every time he closes his eyes he remembers what he witnessed, remembers Pi’s voice and Pi’s body and remembers everything that he wishes hadn’t happened. If it hadn’t happened he wouldn’t have realized that, yes, just maybe, he’s in love with his best friend.
~
“I told you so,” is Ryo’s exceedingly unhelpful response a week later when Jin reveals everything that’s been plaguing him for the past month. He leaves out the whole catching Pi and Keiko having sex thing, because Ryo would never let him live that down.
Ryo won’t let Jin live down his crush on Pi, either, but Jin is just too desperate to talk to someone that he can’t find it in him to care.
“What should I do, Ryo-chan?” Jin whines pitifully from where he’s sitting on Ryo’s bed, hugging a pillow to his chest. He pouts. “I can’t do anything, can I? He has Keiko. He wouldn’t love me.”
Ryo actually looks sympathetic. “You don’t know that,” he says quietly.
Jin scoffs. “Yeah, right,” he mutters. “Why would he?”
“You should tell him,” Ryo says.
“Are you insane?!” Jin exclaims. “That’s the last thing I need, for Pi to know I’m harboring unrequited gay feelings for him.”
“You guys already harbor gay feelings for each other,” Ryo points out, again, unhelpfully. “It’s why you’re such good friends to begin with.”
“Well, yeah, but…” Jin sighs, squeezes his pillow tighter. “This is different. I don’t want things to change. If he hates me because I love him, I couldn’t live with that.”
“Oh, stop being so dramatic,” Ryo bitches. “He’s your best friend. Give him more credit. If, say, he was in your position, and told you he loved you, would you hate him? Could you ever hate him?”
“No,” Jin says instantly. “I could never hate Pi.”
“I’m sure the feeling is mutual, then,” Ryo says with certainty. “Things will be different, but you’ll still be best friends.”
“But you don’t know that,” Jin insists. “Maybe he’ll shun me forever, maybe-”
He stops talking abruptly when the door opens and Pi walks into the room. Pi freezes, glances between Ryo and Jin, sensing that he’s just walked into the middle of an important conversation.
“What’s up?” he asks casually, closing the door behind him slowly. He stands there awkwardly, looks at Jin.
Jin looks away, shrugs. “Just talking,” he replies simply.
“You two have been hanging out a lot the past week,” Pi says in a clipped voice and Jin turns to him again, confusion in his eyes.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Jin replies, confused because Pi sounds jealous. But he has been hanging out with Ryo a lot lately. He wasn’t exactly hiding it.
“Why-” Pi starts and then stops himself, seems to contemplate his words before asking gently, casting worried eyes onto Jin, “Is something wrong?”
Now Jin is really lost. “No,” he lies. “Things are fine.” He pauses for a second and then asks, “Did Keiko-chan go back to her room?”
Pi blinks like he doesn’t know who Jin is talking about and then he nods quickly. “Oh, yeah,” he says and slumps back against the door, hanging his head.
Jin glances at Ryo who raises a brow in question. Jin shrugs, shakes his head. Ryo turns to Pi and asks, “Everything okay?”
Pi heaves a deep sigh and walks over to flop onto Jin. He doesn’t seem to notice the way Jin tenses or how his eyes widen and he looks to Ryo for help (who just smirks unhelpfully), but then Jin relaxes because, despite his unbearable feelings for Pi, Pi’s still his best friend and that hasn’t changed.
“You okay, buddy?” Jin asks, wrapping an arm around Pi’s waist and poking the skin there.
“Yeah,” Pi mumbles into Jin’s knee. “Keiko-chan’s just gotten kind of, I don’t know, clingy and shit. It’s fucking annoying.”
Jin tries very hard not to let the happiness sound in his voice. Ryo rolls his eyes at him but Jin is too gleeful to care. “Oh,” he says, trying to be consoling. “That sucks.”
Pi nods and is about to speak when his phone rings in his pocket. He sits up reluctantly to answer it only to scowl the second he sees the screen. “It’s Keiko-chan,” he says.
“Don’t answer,” Jin replies and ignores the look Ryo shoots him. “She just left, Pi. She’s proving the clingy thing.”
“Yeah,” Ryo chimes in. “Just call her back later.”
Pi stares at his phone for a second and then nods, tosses the phone onto the rug in the middle of Ryo’s room. It rings three more times and then shuts off. Two seconds later the phone beeps, signaling a voicemail, but Pi doesn’t move to answer it.
Feeling decidedly happy about this whole situation, Jin pats Pi on the back twice and says, “What you need, my friend, is a guy’s night. No girls, no distractions. Just some booze and video games and movies with fast cars and lots of violence.”
Pi laughs, leaning back toward Jin so Jin’s arm ends up around his shoulders. “Sounds like a pretty awesome plan,” he agrees.
“Sweet!” Jin exclaims. “Let’s go. Come on, Shorty,” he adds to Ryo who flips him off in response but follows without a word.
It’s the best night Jin’s had for awhile, because true to the nature of a Guy’s Night Out (even thought they all stayed in), Pi shuts off his phone and ignores all possible texts and phone calls from Keiko and doesn’t even mention her once. It’s just the three of them hanging out and enjoying themselves with drinks that Ryo had sneaked into his room a couple of days ago and watching awful movies that they end up making more fun of then actually watching.
Pi sits by Jin, shoulders pressed together and when he occasionally leans his head on Jin’s shoulder, Jin can smell the shampoo he uses, spicy and citrusy at the same time. He’s perfectly fine with this closeness because right now this is the best thing he can get, and he’ll take it, even if he has to wonder how Pi can’t hear the way his heart is pounding against his chest.
He thinks about what Ryo had said earlier, that Pi wouldn’t give a fuck if Jin was in love with him. That, after the initial shock, things would remain the same. Jin wonders if it’s possible, wonders if he could even admit to Pi that he likes him when he only just admitted to himself a week ago (and only told Ryo because he was driving himself insane not having anyone to talk to about it). He thinks about how things would be different, if Pi would be as inclined to just use Jin as his pillow, if Jin could act with Pi the same, knowing that Pi has technically rejected him, and wonders if any of that would be worth it, in the end.
He doesn’t think so. He’d much rather just remain friends.
The problem is that it’s getting much harder to keep these feelings all to himself.
~
On the last day of finals, just before their winter break, Keiko dumps Pi. Jin walks in on them right as Keiko seems to have finished, looking flushed and furious while Pi stands a few feet away from her with his arms crossed over his chest. His expression is entirely unreadable, and all he says is a quiet, “I’m sorry.”
Clearly Keiko doesn’t think this is good enough because she says, “We’re done,” and then turns on her heel and heads for the door.
She stops when she sees Jin, and then her expression turns sour, and the look she gives him is full of disdain. Jin merely steps aside and holds the door open for her, not sure what he did to warrant such a reaction from her, and feels slightly vindictive in slamming the door shut after her when she stomps out of the room.
Jin turns to Pi and says, “You okay?”
Pi seems a little dazed, like he’s not sure what just happened, but then he nods. He smiles, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Yeah,” he says, eventually. “I wasn’t really all that surprised.”
Jin is, though, and he says, “Really? I thought things were going well.” He still hasn’t forgotten that night he’d caught them together; it plays in his mind like a broken film every once in awhile.
Pi shrugs. “Stuff happens,” he says, but doesn’t elaborate. Jin doesn’t push him. Pi’s never been very open about his relationships, and Jin knows if he wants to talk about it, he will.
So instead, cheerfully, he says, “Well, we’re going home tomorrow, so you’ll have a whole week to mope around and get fat off ice cream and watch stupid shoujo anime to get over your crushed heart.”
Pi cracks a small smile at that, a real one, and Jin feels himself grinning back. “That’s what girls usually do after breakups.”
“Yeah, well, you’re kind of girly too. Especially in the face,” Jin replies and laughs outright when Pi slugs him in the arm. Jin squeezes his shoulder and adds, “I’ll be there too, watching the anime with you, letting you cry in my shoulder and-Ow, Pi!”
“I am not going to cry, you ass,” Pi says, but he’s smiling and looking much better than when Jin had walked in. “Are you done with your finals?” he asks after a moment and Jin nods excitedly.
“Just finished the last one!” he exclaims. “You have your last one tomorrow, right?”
Pi nods. “In the morning. We can head back around ten if that’s cool.”
“Fine with me,” Jin says, and when he notices Pi packing up his backpack, asks, “Where are you going?”
“There’s a study group for the exam tomorrow. Figured I’d stop by,” Pi says. “We can meet up for dinner around six?”
“Okay,” Jin agrees. “See you later.” He watches Pi leave before letting out a sigh, and then a grin takes over his face. He shouldn’t be happy, not really, because Pi did really like Keiko and it’s wrong to be happy about anyone breaking up, but he can’t help the pleasure that fills his veins in knowing that Keiko will no longer be around.
That even, maybe, if Jin has the courage to do so, he could tell Pi how he feels without being completely shot down.
He doesn’t think he will, but the thought it nice. And for their whole upcoming vacation, Jin will be able to have Pi for himself.
~
Having Pi all to himself ends up driving Jin nuts. They don’t see each other as easily as they did sharing the same room back at school, but living merely a couple blocks away from each other makes it simple to meet up like they used to in high school and they see each other normally like always. And it’s making Jin crazy because now, there’s no one else around to be his buffer. It was so much easier to hide his feelings when they were hanging out with friends, but when it’s just the two of them like this, hanging out around town, going to movies, or eating yakiniku together for lunch, Jin finds it suddenly harder to not just shove himself onto his best friend.
He actually spends a whole ten minutes one day thinking about what Pi would do if he did do that, and the idea becomes increasingly tempting until Jin thinks he’s not sure if that’s how he’d want things to go with Pi in the first place.
If Pi notices anything wrong with Jin he doesn’t mention it. He’s mostly subdued during their vacation and Jin hates wondering if it’s because of his breakup with Keiko. Pi still hasn’t told him what happened, and Jin hasn’t asked, but that’s another thing that’s eating up inside him. Jin’s curious and he dislikes that Pi’s keeping it a secret.
He doesn’t find out until the day before they return to school, and it’s almost by complete accident, like Pi wasn’t even intending on telling him. They had gone out to karaoke with some old high school friends, spending too much time singing and drinking, and they were both a little tipsy when they’d returned to Jin’s home and hid in his bedroom.
Jin’s lying across his bed and Pi is sitting on the floor by his head, laughing as Jin talks about how much their old friends have changed and how weird it was to see Toma dating Yui when they seemed to hate each other in high school.
“I would never have guessed, man,” Jin says, still amused just thinking about it. “Guess things like that just happen, huh?” he asks, even though he knows it firsthand, after all, that’s how his feelings for Pi morphed from friendship into something like love.
Pi doesn’t answer right away but when he does, his voice is low, contemplative. “Yeah,” he says slowly, “it really does.”
There’s just something about the way he’s speaking that makes Jin sit up straighter, even if it makes his head spin. “Pi?” he prompts gently, reaching out to pat his friend’s shoulder.
Pi doesn’t move, but he says, “You know why Keiko broke up with me?”
Jin shakes his head. “I didn’t want to ask. I knew you’d tell me if you wanted to.”
“I told you how she was being really clingy?” Pi continues slowly, almost like he’s talking to himself. “She was being like that because he didn’t think I really liked her.”
Jin doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything more ridiculous. “What?” he demands, feeling angry on Pi’s behalf. “Why would she think that when you obviously love her?”
There’s silence for a few seconds and then Pi laughs. The reaction is so unexpected that Jin doesn’t know what to do or say except watch as Pi seems to shake from his mirth. Then he turns around and says affectionately, his eyes bright, “You idiot.”
Jin stares. Then, “WHAT,” he exclaims, utterly lost and trying to reflect back on just how much Pi had to drink.
“I don’t love Keiko,” Pi says, still laughing.
Jin thinks he’s missed something. “But you two were always together and shit. You were really happy with her, and then depressed when she dumped you and-”
Pi shakes his head and interrupts, “She’s cute and she’s nice, and yeah, we were dating for awhile, but I don’t love her.”
“What the fuck, Pi?” Jin says uncomprehendingly. “If you don’t love her, then-”
His words are cut off yet again but this time it’s because Pi has pressed his lips against his. Jin’s eyes are wide, staring up into Pi’s own for a moment before they fall shut and he gives in, kisses back.
And Jin thinks, for a second, that he must be dreaming, because this is what he’s been wanting for the past month and half or however long it’s been since he started pining over his best friend. But it’s better than the moments he’d had the urge to just kiss him, it’s better than any kiss he’s had with any girl before, it’s better than the Pink Dom one of his high school friends had sneaked into the karaoke booth that night, and it’s better than anything else Jin’s ever liked or wanted because it’ s Pi and it’s real.
Fuck, at least he hopes it’s real.
Though when Pi pushes him back against the bed and clambers over him and his tongue slips past Jin’s lips, Jin’s pretty sure that it is real.
But, just in case, he needs to make sure. He’s wanted this for too long for it to end in a drunken kiss that they both forget in the morning.
It takes a moment because Pi is a fucking good kisser (and he can’t even be jealous about it because it’s that good) and Jin doesn’t really want to stop in the first place, but he finally breaks away, pushing a hand to Pi’s shoulder to give some space between them.
“Um,” Jin says slowly, licking his lips and liking the way Pi doesn’t even hide his stare. “Did this really just happen?”
Pi laughs. “Do you mean me kissing you?”
“Yeah,” Jin says, “I didn’t just dream it?”
“Why? Do you usually dream about me kissing you?” Pi replies with a smirk and Jin feels his cheeks heat up furiously.
He punches Pi half-heartedly in the arm and exclaims, “NO.”
Pi raises a brow skeptically. “Oh really,” he says simply. “I guess you just like to hide in bathrooms and watch me have sex instead,” he adds and Jin’s heart falls into his stomach.
“Oh my god,” he breathes. “How do you even-”
“I saw you,” Pi cuts in quickly, like this is something he’s wanted to say for a long time. “I saw you go into Yuu’s room, but I thought you’d gotten out before Keiko and I went in.” He pauses, staring down at Jin whose eyes are wide in embarrassment and disbelief. “But then I saw the light in the bathroom turn off. I didn’t know it was you for sure until you came out of the room after us.”
Jin hides behind his hands. “Fuck,” he hisses, “I can’t believe you knew.” He groans. “I thought was going to die, that night.”
“Jin,” Pi says, pulling Jin’s hands away from his face until he’s got them pinned on either side of Jin’s head.
Pi doesn’t say anything more and Jin’s not entirely sure what he wants and the way he stares down at Jin is unnerving. Jin bites the corner of his lip, and then with boldness he didn’t think he had, he leans up and kisses Pi again.
Pi reciprocates immediately and Jin makes a tiny noise in the back of his throat that has Pi kissing him harder. Jin really can’t believe this is happening and he slides his fingers up into Pi’s hair, pulling him closer like he’s trying to fuse their bodies together.
He pulls away again when the need to breathe is too great, and he laughs breathlessly as Pi presses his forehead against Jin’s shoulder, lies on top of him.
“This is why I don’t love Keiko,” Pi says after a couple of moments of silence and once the words register in Jin’s brain, once he realizes what Pi’s trying to say, Jin feels his heart swell in his chest and a smile stretches across his lips.
“You fucking asshole,” Jin says, half angry, half incredulous. “Why didn’t you say something?! I’ve been going insane the past month because I thought I was in love with you!”
Pi looks surprised, but then his gaze softens and he squeezes Jin tight around the waist. “I didn’t exactly think that you did,” he admits and squirms off Jin when Jin pinches him in the side.
“Fucking hell, Pi,” Jin grumbles.
“Yeah, well, now you know,” Pi says, lying on his side beside Jin and Jin turns until he’s facing Pi as well. “And I know you like me back.” He pauses and confirms, “You do, right?”
“I wouldn’t have just kissed you if I did,” Jin replies and his heart thuds rapidly in his chest when Pi reaches between them to intertwine their hands.
“Good,” Pi says happily, and presses his lips to Jin’s again.
~
(When they return to the dorms the next day, the first thing Ryo says when he sees them is, “Oh, thank fucking god.”)