(no subject)
So...it's Saturday night around 1am. I really do think this is the worst time of the week for me. Everything that's on my mind during the week culminates in my head on Saturday nights and no one is ever around when I need them...
This morning and last night I went to a GRO conference where I was the only participant. So I basically got Liberal views crammed down my pretty little throat. It was awful, I hated it. Everyone seemed awfully nice, but the fact that they just assumed I agree with everything. I don't. First of all, when you make a conference- you make sure people feel welcome abd make sur everything is awesome for everyone. These people made a conference for themselves. I soooo didnt belong there. GET THIS: I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE, OUT OF PLACE, AND ALIENATED------THAT I WAS QUIET!!!!!!!
Anyway, I wasnt feeling well, so i came home and slept. a lot. Then Jennifer and I went to the mall, walked around, got dinner, and came back. I got a few shirts and a REALLY cute lil hangbag.
I'm watching Sweet November- maybe the saddest movie ever. Not just because of the movie, but the memories. The first time I watched the movie, I was still with Aaron. I've never cried at any other movie cept Dumbo- it really got to me. Not to mention, being next to Aaron. That was a very intense relationship, but I loved it. I hated the ending- as I always do. But we did have fun in the middle. He's still amazing. I think the second best night I ever had with him was watching this movie- it was pretty much where the relationship ended. I don't know if its just the fact that it's late at night on Saturday, that I miss Aaron, or that I'm watching this movie--but it's really hard to stop myself from all out crying- fo now, it's just me tearing up. That night talking to Aaron was the most frustrating night I've ever had. It was also the only night a guy cried with me when I did. I still don't know what really happened that night - but I knew it ended everything. I still don't know why. I think it was just bad timing- too much for him at the time, especially with me being away. I think he let the jaded piece of him ruin it. I was never mad at him for it, hell, I did it. several times.
Okay, the crying started. I dont know why it is that when I'm in a sad mood, i listen to music. It always makes me more sad. Keith Urban is irresistible though. Im buying his CD tomorrow- cuz jen said so.
All I want is someone to cuddle with right now. Thats all. I want someone I can cry to, and not have them ask what's wrong. and in my sexist, hopeless romantic, sad mind- I need it to be a guy. I dont want him to ask whats wrong- I just want him to let me cry. just hold me, kiss my head, and let me cry. There's just so much inside me that I want out. It's not just any guy either. It's a specific one.
But maybe not the one I thought it was? My head get all fucked up too fast. I havent talked to Frank since Wednesday- and its not like I havent tried. I should stop though. I'm really sick of the whole- dissappearing on the weekends thing. I know the boy has shit to do, but a 3 second phone callwould be nice. Not hearing form him in 4 days worries me- like maybe theres something wrong. Maybe I'm the wrong part...this is what Im used to, i just though maybe this one was fdifferent.
Fuck, why do i even try? :(
"im tired of over thinking- I know you don't belong. Now Im asking Questions, I always push people away. everybosy feels this way sometimes, and I do. You cant hear it, but I do. "
"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time"
This morning and last night I went to a GRO conference where I was the only participant. So I basically got Liberal views crammed down my pretty little throat. It was awful, I hated it. Everyone seemed awfully nice, but the fact that they just assumed I agree with everything. I don't. First of all, when you make a conference- you make sure people feel welcome abd make sur everything is awesome for everyone. These people made a conference for themselves. I soooo didnt belong there. GET THIS: I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE, OUT OF PLACE, AND ALIENATED------THAT I WAS QUIET!!!!!!!
Anyway, I wasnt feeling well, so i came home and slept. a lot. Then Jennifer and I went to the mall, walked around, got dinner, and came back. I got a few shirts and a REALLY cute lil hangbag.
I'm watching Sweet November- maybe the saddest movie ever. Not just because of the movie, but the memories. The first time I watched the movie, I was still with Aaron. I've never cried at any other movie cept Dumbo- it really got to me. Not to mention, being next to Aaron. That was a very intense relationship, but I loved it. I hated the ending- as I always do. But we did have fun in the middle. He's still amazing. I think the second best night I ever had with him was watching this movie- it was pretty much where the relationship ended. I don't know if its just the fact that it's late at night on Saturday, that I miss Aaron, or that I'm watching this movie--but it's really hard to stop myself from all out crying- fo now, it's just me tearing up. That night talking to Aaron was the most frustrating night I've ever had. It was also the only night a guy cried with me when I did. I still don't know what really happened that night - but I knew it ended everything. I still don't know why. I think it was just bad timing- too much for him at the time, especially with me being away. I think he let the jaded piece of him ruin it. I was never mad at him for it, hell, I did it. several times.
Okay, the crying started. I dont know why it is that when I'm in a sad mood, i listen to music. It always makes me more sad. Keith Urban is irresistible though. Im buying his CD tomorrow- cuz jen said so.
All I want is someone to cuddle with right now. Thats all. I want someone I can cry to, and not have them ask what's wrong. and in my sexist, hopeless romantic, sad mind- I need it to be a guy. I dont want him to ask whats wrong- I just want him to let me cry. just hold me, kiss my head, and let me cry. There's just so much inside me that I want out. It's not just any guy either. It's a specific one.
But maybe not the one I thought it was? My head get all fucked up too fast. I havent talked to Frank since Wednesday- and its not like I havent tried. I should stop though. I'm really sick of the whole- dissappearing on the weekends thing. I know the boy has shit to do, but a 3 second phone callwould be nice. Not hearing form him in 4 days worries me- like maybe theres something wrong. Maybe I'm the wrong part...this is what Im used to, i just though maybe this one was fdifferent.
Fuck, why do i even try? :(
"im tired of over thinking- I know you don't belong. Now Im asking Questions, I always push people away. everybosy feels this way sometimes, and I do. You cant hear it, but I do. "
"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time"