(no subject)
So Today is weird.
I've finally had the time to catch up on everyone's journals. :) So I got to write a million comments, I love comments. There were only a few peopel who didnt get any- partially because I had nothing to say...and one because well , you only talk to me when you and your woman are fighting- and since you're not anymore...well, we never talk. So Well- no coment for you!
I'm in lab right now. I need 40.5 lab hours in the next few weeks before I graduate. Which is EXACTLY a month away (insert panic attack here). Anyways, I'm gonan try to stick it out here until 6 when I get to go to the GRO convention. I've been here an hour...and I havent done nya work...i'm also loosing my mind.
But I am listening to an ANCIENT CD that I made at Depaul and I'm re-in-love with it.
"The telephone seems awfully dead- it's missing your voice like I am- alone." I sooooo felt like that last night. I didn't get to hear from the boy last night- and I was sad. :( It's pathetic of me, I'm so not like this! But my nights are lonely without him to talk to before I go to bed. It's bad enough that I can't touch him (i can technically SEE him on webcam most nights), I atleast liek to talk to him. I really had nothing at all to say- just wanted to her about his day...and his double header. I'm a dork. Please make fun of me.
"I'm not sleeping, and you're not here- that stops my heart"
PS I'm REALLY REALLY sick of peopel asking me his age. He's younger than me, okay?! its not a big deal. But everyone asks all the time- you wouldnt normally ask that of anyone else. I love that people have an active interest in him- because everyone should meet him and love him. But really- I dont love him because of his age. Why not ask about why I do?! That's whats important anyways. (and yes, i love his age too- it's a sick, sick older woman ounger man thing--ask Hollywood, it's hot right now...you should try one!). Dating younger peopel rocks- he's already what i like- no maturity needed.
Hey, remember what Sara and I got addicted to those chips? Yea well, i am now addicted to a new kind- I totally feel like I'm cheating on Poorman.
So over the past weeks, I've learned something important. Well, fist of all- i fogot how much i ADORE music. Recording ytesterday was insane. I just forgot how much easier it is for me to express myself through music- and how nice it is to be able to transform myself into someone else whiel I'm in the moment......but yesterday- I was me. I used to be someone else when I sang to get away from everything. Now, Finally, I adore being me. I'll keep the past, I'll kep the pain, i'll keep the unexplainable things, the anxiety, the flaws...all of it. I'm finally happy with me. Fuck, I'm getting a college degree in 1 MONTH! I'll be in GRADUATE school pursuing my MASTERS DEGREE in September-- this is never who I thought I'd be, it's so so so much more. It's amazing. I love being me. There's so much awesomeness that comes with it- like my friends. You people amaze me. I adore you. You are what makes me whole again after bits and pieces of me are taken away when I'm hurt. The other thing is- that Im really really okay with the holes I have. Rascall Flatts had it all wrong- you don't need anything to fill in the holes. The ones that can be filled are- the others you ought to wear, and proud.
So I'm not perfect? Who's suprised? So I've been jaded, I've been slapped around, I've had worse, My heart has been broken a few too many times- it's also been fixed all those times in different ways. So maybe my health isn't perfect- well, neither is your's...you just dont know it. Atleast Jen and I KNOW our problems. Afterall, the first step to solving problems is knowing you've got them-- JEN, LOOK!, WE'RE AHEAD!!!!!! So I've had some shitty peopel in my life, and many more that proved to be more trouble than they're worth. So I dated a guy or 2 in gangs that got mew in positions where I might have gotten shot.....
Ya know what all of that gave me?! Awesomely Funny Stories to tell. It also gave me a great mechanism for dealing with immense life events- mine and others. I'm amazingly fortunate. I have experiences some of you will NEVER EVER have. I have people like Jen in my life- who not only was there for me in an amazing way when I first got sick, we also had an amazing bond because of it. I also have her now- when we both need one another- which is awesome. Because really, we can have realistic talks about health problems and not freak out and cry about it. We have an understanding like that- it's not like I couldnt fall apart to Jen about whatever I needed to, but i also know that if i need someone to talk to who wont have an intense emotional reaction about a possibility of something not so good- I can xcount on her to be able to read me well enough to know what I need from her. It also gave me the ability to let peopel go out of my life and know that if they're good enough to stay- they'll be back :) If not, then well- you dont deserve my friendship. You deserve to be a loser who reads my journal and never talks to me. HA! It also taught me that contrary to everything I've ever been taught by any idiot Ive dated- it is okay and in fact- positive to be vulnerable. If i dont give you all of me soon after we've met, then I never will. Why should I wait to let you in? how much time do I have to wait?! how much time do i HAVE to wait?! Maybe none. Who knows? This is a brand new thing I've realizd in the past month- so sorry to those who didnt get let in. There's still hope for you. But be prepared- those who REALLY know me LOVE ME. So if you're not ready to love me..well :) too late, you're screwed- i know you already love me. HA! No really though, clearly- I am an open book. I write my life in detail for the world to see- and not just what happens, but how I work and who i am. if you didnt like it- you wouldnt be such avid readers. :) I love Y'all
Here's another reason to be vulnerable and open with people: The peopel who hurt you have NOTHING to do with the peopel who want to love you now.
The guy who put his hands on you
Has got nothing to do with me
And the bruises that you feel will heal
And I hope you'll come around
'Cause we're missing you
And you used to speak so easy
Now you're afraid to talk to me
It's like walking with the wounded
Carrying that weight way too far
The concrete pulled you down so hard
Out there with the wounded
Missing you
Well I never claimed to understand what happens after dark
But my fingers catch sparks at the thought of touching you
When you're wounded
Let me break it down 'till I force the issue
We miss your face and you know I wish you
Would come back down the the Dalva Bar
You tell 'em, that's just my battle scar
I want to kiss you
And knock 'em down like we used to
You're the marigold
Till you're walking down shaking that ass again
And then you walk on, baby walk on, you walk on, on and on
You're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air
And we're missing you
Now it's fall, and your shoulders get tighter
Nervous flicks on the lighter, boots
Your pissed off poets, your women's groups
And the friends with you, we should have known this fool
Well I guess we missed the mark
Still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of them touching you
Now you're wounded
Let me break it down 'till I force the issue
You never come around, and you know we miss you
Well nobody took your pride away
I said, that's something people say
Back down the bully to the back of the bus
'Cause it's time for them to be scared of us
'Till you're yelling, how we living cause you got the ball
Then you rock on baby, rock on, you rock on, on and on
You're a summer time hottie with her socks in the air
You're screaming I don't care baby I don't care
You say you don't know
You say you can't grow
All I know is we're missing you
You say you don't know
You say you can't grow
All I know is we're missing you
Show up, show up wounded
Show up, show up wounded
So Rock On, Y'all!
I've finally had the time to catch up on everyone's journals. :) So I got to write a million comments, I love comments. There were only a few peopel who didnt get any- partially because I had nothing to say...and one because well , you only talk to me when you and your woman are fighting- and since you're not anymore...well, we never talk. So Well- no coment for you!
I'm in lab right now. I need 40.5 lab hours in the next few weeks before I graduate. Which is EXACTLY a month away (insert panic attack here). Anyways, I'm gonan try to stick it out here until 6 when I get to go to the GRO convention. I've been here an hour...and I havent done nya work...i'm also loosing my mind.
But I am listening to an ANCIENT CD that I made at Depaul and I'm re-in-love with it.
"The telephone seems awfully dead- it's missing your voice like I am- alone." I sooooo felt like that last night. I didn't get to hear from the boy last night- and I was sad. :( It's pathetic of me, I'm so not like this! But my nights are lonely without him to talk to before I go to bed. It's bad enough that I can't touch him (i can technically SEE him on webcam most nights), I atleast liek to talk to him. I really had nothing at all to say- just wanted to her about his day...and his double header. I'm a dork. Please make fun of me.
"I'm not sleeping, and you're not here- that stops my heart"
PS I'm REALLY REALLY sick of peopel asking me his age. He's younger than me, okay?! its not a big deal. But everyone asks all the time- you wouldnt normally ask that of anyone else. I love that people have an active interest in him- because everyone should meet him and love him. But really- I dont love him because of his age. Why not ask about why I do?! That's whats important anyways. (and yes, i love his age too- it's a sick, sick older woman ounger man thing--ask Hollywood, it's hot right now...you should try one!). Dating younger peopel rocks- he's already what i like- no maturity needed.
Hey, remember what Sara and I got addicted to those chips? Yea well, i am now addicted to a new kind- I totally feel like I'm cheating on Poorman.
So over the past weeks, I've learned something important. Well, fist of all- i fogot how much i ADORE music. Recording ytesterday was insane. I just forgot how much easier it is for me to express myself through music- and how nice it is to be able to transform myself into someone else whiel I'm in the moment......but yesterday- I was me. I used to be someone else when I sang to get away from everything. Now, Finally, I adore being me. I'll keep the past, I'll kep the pain, i'll keep the unexplainable things, the anxiety, the flaws...all of it. I'm finally happy with me. Fuck, I'm getting a college degree in 1 MONTH! I'll be in GRADUATE school pursuing my MASTERS DEGREE in September-- this is never who I thought I'd be, it's so so so much more. It's amazing. I love being me. There's so much awesomeness that comes with it- like my friends. You people amaze me. I adore you. You are what makes me whole again after bits and pieces of me are taken away when I'm hurt. The other thing is- that Im really really okay with the holes I have. Rascall Flatts had it all wrong- you don't need anything to fill in the holes. The ones that can be filled are- the others you ought to wear, and proud.
So I'm not perfect? Who's suprised? So I've been jaded, I've been slapped around, I've had worse, My heart has been broken a few too many times- it's also been fixed all those times in different ways. So maybe my health isn't perfect- well, neither is your's...you just dont know it. Atleast Jen and I KNOW our problems. Afterall, the first step to solving problems is knowing you've got them-- JEN, LOOK!, WE'RE AHEAD!!!!!! So I've had some shitty peopel in my life, and many more that proved to be more trouble than they're worth. So I dated a guy or 2 in gangs that got mew in positions where I might have gotten shot.....
Ya know what all of that gave me?! Awesomely Funny Stories to tell. It also gave me a great mechanism for dealing with immense life events- mine and others. I'm amazingly fortunate. I have experiences some of you will NEVER EVER have. I have people like Jen in my life- who not only was there for me in an amazing way when I first got sick, we also had an amazing bond because of it. I also have her now- when we both need one another- which is awesome. Because really, we can have realistic talks about health problems and not freak out and cry about it. We have an understanding like that- it's not like I couldnt fall apart to Jen about whatever I needed to, but i also know that if i need someone to talk to who wont have an intense emotional reaction about a possibility of something not so good- I can xcount on her to be able to read me well enough to know what I need from her. It also gave me the ability to let peopel go out of my life and know that if they're good enough to stay- they'll be back :) If not, then well- you dont deserve my friendship. You deserve to be a loser who reads my journal and never talks to me. HA! It also taught me that contrary to everything I've ever been taught by any idiot Ive dated- it is okay and in fact- positive to be vulnerable. If i dont give you all of me soon after we've met, then I never will. Why should I wait to let you in? how much time do I have to wait?! how much time do i HAVE to wait?! Maybe none. Who knows? This is a brand new thing I've realizd in the past month- so sorry to those who didnt get let in. There's still hope for you. But be prepared- those who REALLY know me LOVE ME. So if you're not ready to love me..well :) too late, you're screwed- i know you already love me. HA! No really though, clearly- I am an open book. I write my life in detail for the world to see- and not just what happens, but how I work and who i am. if you didnt like it- you wouldnt be such avid readers. :) I love Y'all
Here's another reason to be vulnerable and open with people: The peopel who hurt you have NOTHING to do with the peopel who want to love you now.
The guy who put his hands on you
Has got nothing to do with me
And the bruises that you feel will heal
And I hope you'll come around
'Cause we're missing you
And you used to speak so easy
Now you're afraid to talk to me
It's like walking with the wounded
Carrying that weight way too far
The concrete pulled you down so hard
Out there with the wounded
Missing you
Well I never claimed to understand what happens after dark
But my fingers catch sparks at the thought of touching you
When you're wounded
Let me break it down 'till I force the issue
We miss your face and you know I wish you
Would come back down the the Dalva Bar
You tell 'em, that's just my battle scar
I want to kiss you
And knock 'em down like we used to
You're the marigold
Till you're walking down shaking that ass again
And then you walk on, baby walk on, you walk on, on and on
You're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air
And we're missing you
Now it's fall, and your shoulders get tighter
Nervous flicks on the lighter, boots
Your pissed off poets, your women's groups
And the friends with you, we should have known this fool
Well I guess we missed the mark
Still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of them touching you
Now you're wounded
Let me break it down 'till I force the issue
You never come around, and you know we miss you
Well nobody took your pride away
I said, that's something people say
Back down the bully to the back of the bus
'Cause it's time for them to be scared of us
'Till you're yelling, how we living cause you got the ball
Then you rock on baby, rock on, you rock on, on and on
You're a summer time hottie with her socks in the air
You're screaming I don't care baby I don't care
You say you don't know
You say you can't grow
All I know is we're missing you
You say you don't know
You say you can't grow
All I know is we're missing you
Show up, show up wounded
Show up, show up wounded
So Rock On, Y'all!