(no subject)
it comes in cycles, but its always there. he's angry, i'm lonely. blame you, blame me... same thing over and over.
the newest fight is over the fact that i am not outdoorsy enough. dude just bought a kayak and expects me to go to the river (with our almost 4 year old) and watch him kayak while we stand on the shore. wtf? i thought you got the kayak to go and be outside.
its not enough that i do more than a single mom does in a day
its not enough that i take 19 credits a semester and have a 3.4 gpa
its not enough that i cook every meal and clean every mess and homeschool our son
according to him i am fat, lazy and worthless
a bad mother
a bad human
this journal is the only place i have to vent
i see no real people that care about me
my folks havent been to visit in a year cause they cant stand the dude
same as my friends
its been too many years since ive been
connected
i am halfway through my associates in psychology
i am very aware of how dumb it is
to let myself stay in a situation
where i am not valued
my options are to be quiet
or to talk back
quiet is better for the child
talking back is never the smart thing
someday i will be able to stand on my own feet
and not feel like i am required to stay
in a place
where my light cannot shine
until then i suppose
i will be quiet and work really hard
its extra difficult to do all this work
when i feel so very broken
i constantly have that feeling
that "i want my mom" ache
but there's no one to give me that
feeling of safety and comfort
especially when that woman wont even talk to me on the phone
i was hoping that someday
being myself would be enough
but it just never is
the newest fight is over the fact that i am not outdoorsy enough. dude just bought a kayak and expects me to go to the river (with our almost 4 year old) and watch him kayak while we stand on the shore. wtf? i thought you got the kayak to go and be outside.
its not enough that i do more than a single mom does in a day
its not enough that i take 19 credits a semester and have a 3.4 gpa
its not enough that i cook every meal and clean every mess and homeschool our son
according to him i am fat, lazy and worthless
a bad mother
a bad human
this journal is the only place i have to vent
i see no real people that care about me
my folks havent been to visit in a year cause they cant stand the dude
same as my friends
its been too many years since ive been
connected
i am halfway through my associates in psychology
i am very aware of how dumb it is
to let myself stay in a situation
where i am not valued
my options are to be quiet
or to talk back
quiet is better for the child
talking back is never the smart thing
someday i will be able to stand on my own feet
and not feel like i am required to stay
in a place
where my light cannot shine
until then i suppose
i will be quiet and work really hard
its extra difficult to do all this work
when i feel so very broken
i constantly have that feeling
that "i want my mom" ache
but there's no one to give me that
feeling of safety and comfort
especially when that woman wont even talk to me on the phone
i was hoping that someday
being myself would be enough
but it just never is