Journey
I've been so focused on the past this year. It's almost to the point where I can't see forward anymore, but I know there's some kind of light at the end. I don't see it, but it's there. I have to trust it is. Because I'm at the breaking point, and it's becoming too much.
I dreamt of you last night. My #2. I've been dreaming about you a lot lately. Whereas before I hardly thought of you, and had almost forgotten you, but now I'm starting to really remember. And in that fog before sleep and waking life, my eyes are closed and I catch myself reaching for you. I know you're not there, it makes no sense, but in my dream that's where you fell asleep. Neither asleep nor awake, I find it's the best time to remember you.
I can replay everything in my head so clearly. We only had a short time together, but the memories lengthen it to an eternity. I remember how and where we met. I was tempted last weekend to take my bike and go visit the spot. To just sit down, close my eyes and imagine the first time we met. But it was too cold to go riding so I stayed home and saved the chance for later. So many years ago, I can only hope our place is still there. Even if that bench is there, you will never be back to complete it.
The way you always wanted to hold my hand. The dimples on your cheeks when you laugh. Your intense gaze that reassured me I was the only one you loved. Tracing your body in the dark. Your complete lack of skill at cooking a fried egg. The look of frustration at putting your scale models together, which a simple hug would always cure. Your smell. How our fingers would always be entwined before we sleep. Trying to care about Finance when I really knew you weren't interested, but you still tried, and I never let on that I can see past it because you cared about me that much. Passion. So much passion. I can't stop smirking right now. Wanting nothing more than to be with you forever - your words, and unfortunately not mine. I was so stupid when I was young, and I'm still so stupid. Because I want more than to just remember your lips on the nape of my neck. But memory is the closest thing I have to you now.
We wasted an entire night in bed one lazy Saturday letting the radio do the talking for us. There's no place in this world right now I'd rather be. Next to you, that exact night, and Tracy Chapman telling me exactly what I would want for the rest of my life.
I didn't listen. Obviously. I did the exact opposite.
I broke it off with you because I wanted to get back with my #1. How foolish of me. It took me a long time to get over her, and I wonder how long it will take me to get over you. Because, truly, you were my #1. My greatest love. The one I threw away.
My hope now is that I heal. I'm going to see my parents soon, and surrounded by that kind of love I'll heal. I just want to stop being stuck in the past already. I need to move on and find my #4. Somewhere out there that person is waiting. I just need to be forward looking and see with both eyes, instead of one always looking back. But I'll never forget. Not you, not the others. You had all made me who I am now. And for that I'm eternally grateful. But I can never let you all know since those cords have been cut. It's all for the good. My intuition tells me so.
I dreamt of you last night. My #2. I've been dreaming about you a lot lately. Whereas before I hardly thought of you, and had almost forgotten you, but now I'm starting to really remember. And in that fog before sleep and waking life, my eyes are closed and I catch myself reaching for you. I know you're not there, it makes no sense, but in my dream that's where you fell asleep. Neither asleep nor awake, I find it's the best time to remember you.
I can replay everything in my head so clearly. We only had a short time together, but the memories lengthen it to an eternity. I remember how and where we met. I was tempted last weekend to take my bike and go visit the spot. To just sit down, close my eyes and imagine the first time we met. But it was too cold to go riding so I stayed home and saved the chance for later. So many years ago, I can only hope our place is still there. Even if that bench is there, you will never be back to complete it.
The way you always wanted to hold my hand. The dimples on your cheeks when you laugh. Your intense gaze that reassured me I was the only one you loved. Tracing your body in the dark. Your complete lack of skill at cooking a fried egg. The look of frustration at putting your scale models together, which a simple hug would always cure. Your smell. How our fingers would always be entwined before we sleep. Trying to care about Finance when I really knew you weren't interested, but you still tried, and I never let on that I can see past it because you cared about me that much. Passion. So much passion. I can't stop smirking right now. Wanting nothing more than to be with you forever - your words, and unfortunately not mine. I was so stupid when I was young, and I'm still so stupid. Because I want more than to just remember your lips on the nape of my neck. But memory is the closest thing I have to you now.
We wasted an entire night in bed one lazy Saturday letting the radio do the talking for us. There's no place in this world right now I'd rather be. Next to you, that exact night, and Tracy Chapman telling me exactly what I would want for the rest of my life.
I didn't listen. Obviously. I did the exact opposite.
I broke it off with you because I wanted to get back with my #1. How foolish of me. It took me a long time to get over her, and I wonder how long it will take me to get over you. Because, truly, you were my #1. My greatest love. The one I threw away.
My hope now is that I heal. I'm going to see my parents soon, and surrounded by that kind of love I'll heal. I just want to stop being stuck in the past already. I need to move on and find my #4. Somewhere out there that person is waiting. I just need to be forward looking and see with both eyes, instead of one always looking back. But I'll never forget. Not you, not the others. You had all made me who I am now. And for that I'm eternally grateful. But I can never let you all know since those cords have been cut. It's all for the good. My intuition tells me so.