The Real LJ Idol: "Stirring Up Change"
Stirring Up Change
real lj idol | week 21
The Straw That Stirs the Drink- an Idol Intersection with halfshellvenus
Can't you just listen for a minute?
I hate to think of the hurt forming in your eyes. I know it seems like I don't care about you, but I do.
Believe it or not, I didn't start this just to hurt you.
I didn't even like him when I first saw him. Honestly, he's short and awkward and you know how he's always fiddling with something, like smoothing his pants or picking at a hangnail. When I first I met him, believe me, my first reaction was, "Ugh. Poor guy. Well, as long as he's a good worker ..."
Thankfully, he was. Todd with his whispery voice and nervous way, he was always ready to help when I needed a hand. Maybe that was it.
Did you ever think of me? Of offering a hand now and then? I mean, I'm the one who gets the kids ready each morning, races off to work, comes home tired, still makes the kids do their homework, runs some laundry, starts the supper, cleans it up. I'm tired. I know you’re tired too, but your tiredness doesn’t cancel mine. I just felt … I felt very alone, like I was raising the kids by myself. If you had tried to help out now and then, I just feel we could have understood each other better. You might have understood how I felt sometimes. You’d say, “Well, you’re better at doing things for the kids than I am,” but I’m really not. It's just that someone needed to give baths, and someone needed to comb their hair. I was learning on the fly just like you would have. But sometimes, most of all, I just wanted someone to listen.
When I'd finally drop into bed each night, you'd reach for me. I'd say, "Hey ... please. Can I just-could we talk for a while first?"
Was that so much to ask you? I guess it was. I guess anything that deviated from the schedule in your mind was just ... too much. You were busy and stressed too.
So, I learned.
I learned to keep my heart closed and my body open. I wanted to love you. I tried to give you everything. I know you were working hard for all of us. But what was it worth when we never saw you much anyway? What were we building together if we didn’t know each other anymore? It was just bills paid and money in a bank but no relationship, no heart. I missed that-missed knowing your heart. Just because we didn't talk much anymore doesn't mean I ran out of things to say. How did you stand it? Why didn’t it bother you? Did you never realize things were changing?
What do you do when nothing you say matters? Or maybe you've never felt that way? I could recite verbatim all the compliments you repeat from your coworkers about how well you do your job. Lord knows you mentioned them to me often enough.
And then there's me. I know I'm just a bookstore clerk, a mom, the woman in your bed but ... sometimes I just wanted someone to care. A little bit. About the "silly little details" of my life.
I mentioned counseling to you, more than once. I really did want to work things out. But you said there was no time in your life for even one more thing. I guess I should have known. I didn't feel there was time in your life for me either. You needed me, for the kids and the house. But that "one day, we can relax" day never really came. It's been over a decade now. I'm glad you're motivated but I started to wonder, don't you ever know when to slow down?
And well, Todd was there. He didn't laugh like you did when he saw me studying that college catalog on my lunch break.
"Are you thinking of going back to school?" His voice was low but he didn't say it with a sneer like you did.
"Well, yeah, maybe. I mean, it's a silly dream. An old woman like me." My cheeks were warm as I stuffed the catalog under my purse.
"I bet you...you could. Really. What would it hurt?" He stared hard at me.
"I ... well, who knows. Maybe one day." We only talked a little that day but I remember going back into the store with a spring in my step. Someone knew my dream and didn't laugh. Someone thought I was worth teaching.
It was little things. I never thought, "Oh wow, he believes in me. Now I want to sleep with him." It wasn't that.
It was the way he would say, "I hope you get some rest" when I left after a long day. So different from your "What's for dinner?" greeting you gave me each day. Or your, "Come on, take it off. I'm horny" when I came to bed each night. I know you're a guy and I know you have needs. But, now and then, couldn't you ask me how I feel?
I just ... he seemed to see me. Over the years, I'd truly wondered if I had become invisible, more of a servant wearing a bookstore shirt or a housewife's apron. I was someone others wanted to use but whom they never saw as human. I’m still a person with needs and dreams, a person who actually gets tired.
I began to see me again, when I looked in Todd's eyes. We were busy at the bookstore but, now and then, he took the time to listen. He cared. He asked my opinion on possibilities for the store. I started to have ideas, and even mentioned them now and then, instead of dismissing every thought with, "Well, what do I know?" like I usually did. I looked at my life and thought, "Maybe it doesn't have to be like this. If I'm tired and worn out all the time, then maybe it's up to me to change it."
I felt like I mattered to Todd. And I had not felt like I mattered in a long time.
I just wanted to matter. I knew it was selfish. I didn't put you first or the kids first, like I should have. Those few times, there, the kiss behind the store, that afternoon in his apartment ... I admit, I only thought about me. And, I felt solid again. Touchable. Real. Todd never laughed at my stretch marks like you do or told me I was looking old. He said seeing me, loving him, that I made him happy. Yes, that was all. Just happy. And, over time, I became addicted to his smile.
Now, I probably deserve everything you might say. You’ll probably call me a lying, cheating bitch and maybe I deserve that. Yes, I gave away this body I had promised would be yours and yours alone.
But I didn't know when I promised that, that in time we'd lose our sense of connection, that I'd rarely see you except in bed. I never thought that you’d be a cliché, falling in love with work and success. It never occurred to me that your work would become the mistress that I could never win against or even complain about.
The truth was, I missed you. That is, the You I used to know.
[There are two sides to every story. Give Laura’s husband a chance to explain: http://halfshellvenus.livejournal.com/539894.html]
It's been a week now, and I didn't see this coming.
I didn’t know you cared so much. I really thought that if you ever found out what I had done, it would be the end of us. If you can forgive me and determine that we need to make our family work, maybe you actually do love me after all.
I’m sorry this happened. I should have thought more about our children and what you might have been going through. Maybe I did ask for too much. I didn’t realize you really felt you were working all those hours for us, or even just to keep your job. I just thought you were ignoring me.
We can move-find another house that's less expensive. Maybe that's exactly what we need: a fresh start, smaller house, a different neighborhood, and a place to start again.
I’m willing to work on us now but please, we can’t lose touch again like that, OK? I don’t think I can bear life together if we can’t at least talk to each other.
I was desperate. If you don’t want to go to counseling, I need to at least go alone. I was nearly suicidal. If I hadn't fallen for Todd, I'm sure I still would have fallen, straight off that high bridge downtown. Or I would have fallen into nothingness, become a woman who couldn't get through the evening without wine, more wine, a little more wine until I was so buzzed I didn't care about my feelings or dreams. Wine gave me dreamless nights and headaches that reminded me of how capable I was of making stupid choices.
Todd was my downfall, but the truth was that something needed to change.
I thought that something was us. But I was wrong. I was the one who needed to change. I should not have given up on us. I need to remember the tide will always turn and that you love me even when I can’t feel it anymore.
I’ve signed up for a college class. I need to feel like I matter a little bit, that it’s worth developing myself. I need to be passionate about something that adds to our family instead of taking away from it.
I'm not sure I would have realized this without everything thing that has happened. I might have always stayed the quiet little mouse-wife, always deferring to your wisdom. I needed to learn to listen to myself, to become again the woman I was when I married you. Maybe that was what I needed most of all.
I love our babies. Billy needs you. And Susie and Maggie need me to show them what a strong, capable woman should be. We need to show them that life is worth working through the hard times.
Thank you for being the man I thought I lost long ago.
You'll never know how much I’ve missed you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Both halfshellvenus and my story can be voted for along with other fine entries here: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/552446.html
real lj idol | week 21
The Straw That Stirs the Drink- an Idol Intersection with halfshellvenus
Can't you just listen for a minute?
I hate to think of the hurt forming in your eyes. I know it seems like I don't care about you, but I do.
Believe it or not, I didn't start this just to hurt you.
I didn't even like him when I first saw him. Honestly, he's short and awkward and you know how he's always fiddling with something, like smoothing his pants or picking at a hangnail. When I first I met him, believe me, my first reaction was, "Ugh. Poor guy. Well, as long as he's a good worker ..."
Thankfully, he was. Todd with his whispery voice and nervous way, he was always ready to help when I needed a hand. Maybe that was it.
Did you ever think of me? Of offering a hand now and then? I mean, I'm the one who gets the kids ready each morning, races off to work, comes home tired, still makes the kids do their homework, runs some laundry, starts the supper, cleans it up. I'm tired. I know you’re tired too, but your tiredness doesn’t cancel mine. I just felt … I felt very alone, like I was raising the kids by myself. If you had tried to help out now and then, I just feel we could have understood each other better. You might have understood how I felt sometimes. You’d say, “Well, you’re better at doing things for the kids than I am,” but I’m really not. It's just that someone needed to give baths, and someone needed to comb their hair. I was learning on the fly just like you would have. But sometimes, most of all, I just wanted someone to listen.
When I'd finally drop into bed each night, you'd reach for me. I'd say, "Hey ... please. Can I just-could we talk for a while first?"
Was that so much to ask you? I guess it was. I guess anything that deviated from the schedule in your mind was just ... too much. You were busy and stressed too.
So, I learned.
I learned to keep my heart closed and my body open. I wanted to love you. I tried to give you everything. I know you were working hard for all of us. But what was it worth when we never saw you much anyway? What were we building together if we didn’t know each other anymore? It was just bills paid and money in a bank but no relationship, no heart. I missed that-missed knowing your heart. Just because we didn't talk much anymore doesn't mean I ran out of things to say. How did you stand it? Why didn’t it bother you? Did you never realize things were changing?
What do you do when nothing you say matters? Or maybe you've never felt that way? I could recite verbatim all the compliments you repeat from your coworkers about how well you do your job. Lord knows you mentioned them to me often enough.
And then there's me. I know I'm just a bookstore clerk, a mom, the woman in your bed but ... sometimes I just wanted someone to care. A little bit. About the "silly little details" of my life.
I mentioned counseling to you, more than once. I really did want to work things out. But you said there was no time in your life for even one more thing. I guess I should have known. I didn't feel there was time in your life for me either. You needed me, for the kids and the house. But that "one day, we can relax" day never really came. It's been over a decade now. I'm glad you're motivated but I started to wonder, don't you ever know when to slow down?
And well, Todd was there. He didn't laugh like you did when he saw me studying that college catalog on my lunch break.
"Are you thinking of going back to school?" His voice was low but he didn't say it with a sneer like you did.
"Well, yeah, maybe. I mean, it's a silly dream. An old woman like me." My cheeks were warm as I stuffed the catalog under my purse.
"I bet you...you could. Really. What would it hurt?" He stared hard at me.
"I ... well, who knows. Maybe one day." We only talked a little that day but I remember going back into the store with a spring in my step. Someone knew my dream and didn't laugh. Someone thought I was worth teaching.
It was little things. I never thought, "Oh wow, he believes in me. Now I want to sleep with him." It wasn't that.
It was the way he would say, "I hope you get some rest" when I left after a long day. So different from your "What's for dinner?" greeting you gave me each day. Or your, "Come on, take it off. I'm horny" when I came to bed each night. I know you're a guy and I know you have needs. But, now and then, couldn't you ask me how I feel?
I just ... he seemed to see me. Over the years, I'd truly wondered if I had become invisible, more of a servant wearing a bookstore shirt or a housewife's apron. I was someone others wanted to use but whom they never saw as human. I’m still a person with needs and dreams, a person who actually gets tired.
I began to see me again, when I looked in Todd's eyes. We were busy at the bookstore but, now and then, he took the time to listen. He cared. He asked my opinion on possibilities for the store. I started to have ideas, and even mentioned them now and then, instead of dismissing every thought with, "Well, what do I know?" like I usually did. I looked at my life and thought, "Maybe it doesn't have to be like this. If I'm tired and worn out all the time, then maybe it's up to me to change it."
I felt like I mattered to Todd. And I had not felt like I mattered in a long time.
I just wanted to matter. I knew it was selfish. I didn't put you first or the kids first, like I should have. Those few times, there, the kiss behind the store, that afternoon in his apartment ... I admit, I only thought about me. And, I felt solid again. Touchable. Real. Todd never laughed at my stretch marks like you do or told me I was looking old. He said seeing me, loving him, that I made him happy. Yes, that was all. Just happy. And, over time, I became addicted to his smile.
Now, I probably deserve everything you might say. You’ll probably call me a lying, cheating bitch and maybe I deserve that. Yes, I gave away this body I had promised would be yours and yours alone.
But I didn't know when I promised that, that in time we'd lose our sense of connection, that I'd rarely see you except in bed. I never thought that you’d be a cliché, falling in love with work and success. It never occurred to me that your work would become the mistress that I could never win against or even complain about.
The truth was, I missed you. That is, the You I used to know.
[There are two sides to every story. Give Laura’s husband a chance to explain: http://halfshellvenus.livejournal.com/539894.html]
It's been a week now, and I didn't see this coming.
I didn’t know you cared so much. I really thought that if you ever found out what I had done, it would be the end of us. If you can forgive me and determine that we need to make our family work, maybe you actually do love me after all.
I’m sorry this happened. I should have thought more about our children and what you might have been going through. Maybe I did ask for too much. I didn’t realize you really felt you were working all those hours for us, or even just to keep your job. I just thought you were ignoring me.
We can move-find another house that's less expensive. Maybe that's exactly what we need: a fresh start, smaller house, a different neighborhood, and a place to start again.
I’m willing to work on us now but please, we can’t lose touch again like that, OK? I don’t think I can bear life together if we can’t at least talk to each other.
I was desperate. If you don’t want to go to counseling, I need to at least go alone. I was nearly suicidal. If I hadn't fallen for Todd, I'm sure I still would have fallen, straight off that high bridge downtown. Or I would have fallen into nothingness, become a woman who couldn't get through the evening without wine, more wine, a little more wine until I was so buzzed I didn't care about my feelings or dreams. Wine gave me dreamless nights and headaches that reminded me of how capable I was of making stupid choices.
Todd was my downfall, but the truth was that something needed to change.
I thought that something was us. But I was wrong. I was the one who needed to change. I should not have given up on us. I need to remember the tide will always turn and that you love me even when I can’t feel it anymore.
I’ve signed up for a college class. I need to feel like I matter a little bit, that it’s worth developing myself. I need to be passionate about something that adds to our family instead of taking away from it.
I'm not sure I would have realized this without everything thing that has happened. I might have always stayed the quiet little mouse-wife, always deferring to your wisdom. I needed to learn to listen to myself, to become again the woman I was when I married you. Maybe that was what I needed most of all.
I love our babies. Billy needs you. And Susie and Maggie need me to show them what a strong, capable woman should be. We need to show them that life is worth working through the hard times.
Thank you for being the man I thought I lost long ago.
You'll never know how much I’ve missed you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Both halfshellvenus and my story can be voted for along with other fine entries here: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/552446.html