I Fell and Died
Today, I saw my grades. And to my dismay, my record had been tainted.
I just experienced the horror of having to see with my own eyes the dreaded grade I've been eschewing for years now. Just when I thought everything was perfectly fine as I scroll down my MyUste account, a minor subject ruined my high hopes of a tres-free semester. I got a baffling grade of 3 in my Dynamics of Philippine Politics subject-or PolDy, as it's fondly called.
Honestly, I can't believe it. Assessing my performance in the last semester, I believe I got what I deserve in almost all of my subjects. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako nagkulang. But this one was really unexpected. And when I learned that some of my classmates, who often submitted requirements past the deadlines, got higher grades, isang malaki at naghuhumiyaw na "BAKIT?" ang gusto kong mabigyan ng sagot. (Did I mention that this professor is really strict with deadlines? He works for the government and he has a Law degree but where's justice here? Preposterous.)
Dubious and shaking, I contacted my professor right away to ask him if I he could give me an idea on how the heck my grade turned out that way. He immediately replied but didn't mention the grades I got during the Prelim exam, the term paper, and the Final exam as well.
This is the first time that I am asking a professor, even on the verge of pleading, to have my grades re-checked. Sabi ng isa kong friend na naka-tres din sa kanya, 'wag na daw dahil masisira daw ang dignidad ko. The damage has been done and asking him is like adding insult to injury. I know that. But for some reason, I still want to do something about it. To correct it. Because I know I don't deserve the grade he gave me. Besides, it would be a grotesque sight in my transcript!
He's a fatherly professor, and I like that, but there are times when you just can't understand his way of dealing with students. He's like the don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-mess-with-your-grade type of teacher. And he's not that good in teaching. Really. Maybe he should retire soon. His white hair says it all.
Just what kind of sorcery is this? I mean he never showed me my Prelim grade. Hindi ako nagkulang sa pagpapaalala sa kanya na may utang pa siyang Prelim grade sa akin. Right after he returned the papers to my classmates, I would ask him about my paper. I took the Prelim exam a week later than my classmates because I had to attend to a family gathering (well, it was a cousin's wedding). And I would bug him for that every meeting. But he just shrugged me off by saying, "Oo, sige. Hahanapin ko."
I'd like to think that maybe the grade he gave me could probably be his grade for the ennui he unfortunately ushers in class (definitely not good). You know, students can sometimes become the professor's "mirror." If you're boring and you get yawns from the students. But if you do well and empower your them to do better, they produce good grades. I don't know about the others, but this kind of system works for me.
Naiyak ako sa inis. This is not because I have, again, disappointed my parents. Although it'd hurt to disappoint them again. But I have always disappointed them, anyway. And ceased to become their pride and glory. Pagod na rin ako mang-disappoint. The thing here is, I have disappointed myself again. I told myself I'd do better this time, to make up for the chances I let slip away, to bring back that timid bespectacled lass that has always brought home medals and certificates to her Mama and Papa. But I have become oblivious of that pain, that pain of seeing people frown at me for the mistakes I've done (and might commit); I was inured to all the negative responses for quite a while now.
I do not like to point the finger at anybody. Because at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try to reason out, the blame will always be on me.
This is probably His way of telling me that I should keep my promises. Kasi tulad ko, naiinip na rin Siya. I have always begged him for second chances but I let it go, thinking He would grant me a chance again. Not this time, though. An utterly poignant wake up call.
I cannot exactly say what I feel right now. Maybe regret of choosing the other path? Or just one of those "obliterated pride" moments?
I need a chocolate.