A Callow on Love: A Sequel
UST's Quadricentennial Closing Celebration. Unexpected passing of a cherished professor. A hard-won victory from a dance competition. Everything seems like a blur; like a fast-forwarded fog shrouding me as I watch the sun disappear into the horizon.
These events that have toppled down like dominoes haven't been all sinking in yet because of something that has been bothering me for months now. And I am tired of keeping this feeling to myself.
Is it really hard to be an NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) in a world or in a crowd where almost everyone has had a taste of an in-a-relationship life?
I'm in no position to hurl a stream of invective to these people they love. Or to even give advice. Wala nga daw kasi akong experience. But then again, they are my friends. I can't bear seeing them being hurt by the one they love - by the one they love, goddammit!
It's frustrating to want to do something then realizing that you can't do much to ease their pain. Borrowing words of the protagonist of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie, "It's just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially when you can't do anything except 'be there'." I want them to stop hurting already, so as much as I can I try to be by their side, listening and supporting them in whatever endeavors in love life they choose to pursue. As long as they don't hurt themselves physically, I try to be there.
I struggle to understand their situation. I try so hard to conceal this disappointment I feel, this feeling of hurt that my friends have unconsciously been causing me.
Are my efforts enough? Definitely not.
Wala nga kasing experience.
In the end, I just mess things up, don't I?
Wala nga kasing experience.
Am I not a good friend? If so, then I don't deserve to have one. I guess I'm meant to be alone forever.
Hindi. Wala lang kasing experience.
Yes, I'm just a callow, or someone who has little experience, but I dared to brave a swamp of odi et amo because I want to be right there for my friends if they needed me. But it hasn't been easy for me.
For the record, being single doesn't mean that I know nothing about love. Again, it doesn't mean I know nothing about love.
I may be missing the best moments in my life. But with my head held high, I can say I'm happy. There might be something wrong with me since I don't experience what is "normally" experienced by college girls-high school girls even-but I'm happy. Because I know what I want in life. And that goes first before anything else.
Bah. Can we just go back now, back to what it was before?
Because I badly miss the times when everyone's smile and laughter is devoid of sadness and anguish.
Urgh. I can't believe I'm sobbing while writing this post. This whole thing is ridiculous. Fcuk February.