(no subject)
Bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter.
I probably shouldn't be let near my LJ when I'm in such a mood, but every now and then I just have to get up on a virtual rooftop and scream out my frustration in some way to be able to go on.
I can't let it go how bitter and angry I still am over all the things that took place last fall and winter, and that ended with me leaving all the internet communities I had been part of for many years to get away from the witch hunt.
I didn't know then what a horrible half year lay ahead of me. Thank god - if I had known, I would have given up right then and there and saved myself the trouble.
Would things have been different if I hadn't already been beaten down and broken when things started crashing down all around me in real life?
Would it have been different if I had still had a treasured fandom to fall back on, like the year before?
Yes, and yes.
How much different, I have no idea.
But yeah, congratulations - the little organized clique of petty brats who thought it a great idea to ruin someone else's life rather than dealing with their own shit really succeeded.
Bitter, bitter.
I'm so ruined, so emotionally burnt I can't even muster feeling enough to grieve the death of my darling cat. How pathetic is that?
Some days I just really, really wish I could strike back and hurt those who hurt me and make them feel what I've felt this past half year. In the end I wouldn't, even if I could, but damn. I don't think I have ever resented anyone or anything I've encountered online like I do these people.
Time may heal all wounds, but first and foremost it puts things in perspective, and the more perspective I get, the more furious their actions make me.
What they did was not justified. Not, not, not. I've always made a point of trying to be a nice person online, and while I can fail, like anyone, I did not deserve being trolled, slandered, stalked, taunted and threatened.
Even now I can't bring myself to return to the communities I once loved, for fear of trouble starting up again. If that's what the younger generations are turning the Internet into, I'll rather not come out and play anymore. I can't take another attack like that.
I'm so tired of all this, of feeling this way all the time, of battling something that just never ends. Depression eating away at everyday life and leaving it hollow and bleak, and everything else just going to hell, smacking me back down every time I make an effort to get back on my feet.
There's not a whole lot of things left to lose now, and in my heart of hearts I'm terrified that the rotten madness that has touched everything around me these past months will finally catch up and take the things most precious to me.
I'm so tired of everything breaking down all around me.
I really just want it to stop.