Nothing is working out for me because I missed the stop that I was supposed to get off at...

[silverzero16]

Thought Du Jour
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

I've been staring at this blank screen for hours wondering what I should be writing down. Definitely got a lot of thoughts floating around in my head yet I can't seem to get it all down on paper. Well in this case, getting it all down in words on my blog. With all the exams out of the way, you would think all the clutter in my head would be cleared out, yet now that school is no longer at the forefront of my thoughts, I'm preoccupied with issues in other aspects in my life.

• I have a habit of not planning too far ahead because I hate seeing circumstance throwing wrenches into my plans. Lately I've felt like my faith is slowly deteriorating. After spending a few years restoring my faith, I feel as though it is slowly chipping away over the past few weeks. I probably could have benefited from something like youth camp. Sadly I had other plans (which happen to have fallen through because people either can't make up their minds or flips on decisions that they have made), so I didn't commit to writing off a few days. Feeling a sense of regret at the moment.
• I'm feeling very disconnected from people lately. I'm talking to friends and family regularly, but I still feel very isolated/alone.
• Maybe this is all in my head but I feel like I'm merely a secondary friend to everyone. If people had a choice to hang out or connect with a certain person or myself, they would go for the other person. It might be due to the way I act. It might be due to the things I say (or don't say). It might be due to my geeky looks. Either way, there's definitely a dislikable quality about me that drives people away. There are also those that actively talk to me only because they can use me for something. I might not be the person you wanna spend time with but since I come of use for other purposes, it's worth the 'sacrifice' right?
• Normally when people have good news, I would feel happy for them. I often think beyond myself, but every now and then when someone obtains sometime I long for, I can't help but feel jealous. I often remind myself that it's rather selfish to think this way, but there are times when I would just ask 'what about me?' Something like this happened recently. A friend shared some amazing/happy news with me yet I did not congratulate the person as if I meant it. Seeing how things fall into place for others while seeing myself stuck in the same position as I was almost three years ago really cuts me deep. Maybe someday I'll share that warmth and joy but as of right now, I'm just not quite capable of that.
• Something that frustrates me is seeing opportunities presented to others yet they're still doing nothing about it. It doesn't matter if they're ridiculously dense and happen to be oblivious to it or if they're just consciously choosing to not take the opportunity. I'm not sure whether I'm frustrated on the person's behalf for not acting on it or whether I'm just pissed off that the opportunity wasn't presented to me. Looking back at other things that I've missed out on in the past, it reminds me of what I didn't get to experience and leads me to think about what could have been. All this is enough to put me in a funk for a while.
• "Letting go" and "moving on" all sound great on paper. I desperately want to swing forward and grab onto something new. The problem is finding what to grab a hold of (in order to muster enough courage to let go of the thing in the past). Even after finding that new target, obstacles arise when I have figured out what I'm aiming to get a hold of, yet it's far beyond my reach. Sometimes the greatest source of pain is knowing what you want and not being able to reach it.
• They say good things come to those who wait. To be honest, I'm starting to lose my patience. It is easier to wait for something if you know it's going to be worth it in the end. Sadly we can't see the future. I can't predict what would happen beyond this point. Should I continue to wait for things to get better? In this case, I don't mean waiting passively. I mean actively working towards something while hoping and longing for that day where the big payoff comes in. I'm wondering if I am doing enough. Better yet, I should be wondering if I'm doing this right. I can't seem to find the answer and that further adds to my frustration.

This post is all mumble jumble anyway. Probably doesn't make any sense. In summary, it's just a bunch of random thoughts contributing to my current state of feeling a little bummed out. Over the past week, I feel as though there are many cases where I missed out on something. It certainly feels like things could be better. I want to see things get better yet I don't really see any improvements. I got my fresh start last year yet I'm falling back into the vicious cycle of beating myself up over the few disappointments.

Before I go, found a new song this morning that I've been playing on repeat. Sad songs are great compliments for gloomy days like today.

Hyuna ft. Junhyung & G.NA - Bitter day [English... by LoveKpopSubs