Meet Shira
I went to see my mother this afternoon after going to city hall to drop off my census form and the gas station for gas (also: could it get any colder? I couldn't feel my fingers after standing pumping gas for a few minutes with no gloves on).
It went okay. I timed it such that she had to leave not too long after I arrived (she was going to the movies with someone). We chatted about cats and my future plans and such. She kept talking about Trav, and I was happy to discover that that no longer feels like I'm being jabbed with needles. I don't really like him, but I don't feel awful just hearing his name. Which tells me that I really have forgiven him and moved past some of the negative emotions that were making things difficult.
She did ask me about my recent name change on Facebook. I told her it's a name I'm trying out. She asked if I was changing my name to that. I said I am likely to. She responded that it's basically dissing her and the rest of the family. I pointed out I'm keeping her name as my middle name. She didn't really have a response to that.
It bothers me that she's not willing to accept my choice, but I didn't think she would be, so it's not as hurtful as it once might have been. I've changed and grown enough that I no long feel like Shauna [Daveslastname]. The people who have proven to be family, who have showed me care and helped me to get through the worst of the depression and anxiety and trauma loop I was stuck in--I want their last name. I started out with my father's last name, until my mother married and her husband adopted me. I would like to go back to that last name. And Shira...
Shira is a different person than Shauna was. Shira has the tools she needs to manage stress and depression, and to be happy once in a while. Shauna was naive and trapped in abusive situations. Shira has learned to accept that they happened, and to stay out of them, and away from people who were abusive or enabled abuse. Shauna couldn't handle being split between the two worlds of a rich college and a low-income home. Shira has found a place in the world that she's willing to pursue and live in, without having to split herself in half depending on where she is or whom she is with.
Shira is who I am now that I've survived all of that and come out the other side a much more confident and independent young woman.
So no, I don't want to be Shauna P any more. I want to be Shira G. And I'm sorry that it hurts my mother to hear that I'm changing my name like that, but I no longer want to do, or not do, things based on fear of her reactions. The people who matter support me in this.
And that's really all I have to say on that subject for now.
It went okay. I timed it such that she had to leave not too long after I arrived (she was going to the movies with someone). We chatted about cats and my future plans and such. She kept talking about Trav, and I was happy to discover that that no longer feels like I'm being jabbed with needles. I don't really like him, but I don't feel awful just hearing his name. Which tells me that I really have forgiven him and moved past some of the negative emotions that were making things difficult.
She did ask me about my recent name change on Facebook. I told her it's a name I'm trying out. She asked if I was changing my name to that. I said I am likely to. She responded that it's basically dissing her and the rest of the family. I pointed out I'm keeping her name as my middle name. She didn't really have a response to that.
It bothers me that she's not willing to accept my choice, but I didn't think she would be, so it's not as hurtful as it once might have been. I've changed and grown enough that I no long feel like Shauna [Daveslastname]. The people who have proven to be family, who have showed me care and helped me to get through the worst of the depression and anxiety and trauma loop I was stuck in--I want their last name. I started out with my father's last name, until my mother married and her husband adopted me. I would like to go back to that last name. And Shira...
Shira is a different person than Shauna was. Shira has the tools she needs to manage stress and depression, and to be happy once in a while. Shauna was naive and trapped in abusive situations. Shira has learned to accept that they happened, and to stay out of them, and away from people who were abusive or enabled abuse. Shauna couldn't handle being split between the two worlds of a rich college and a low-income home. Shira has found a place in the world that she's willing to pursue and live in, without having to split herself in half depending on where she is or whom she is with.
Shira is who I am now that I've survived all of that and come out the other side a much more confident and independent young woman.
So no, I don't want to be Shauna P any more. I want to be Shira G. And I'm sorry that it hurts my mother to hear that I'm changing my name like that, but I no longer want to do, or not do, things based on fear of her reactions. The people who matter support me in this.
And that's really all I have to say on that subject for now.