Panic attack
Two days ago, I was in class, and one of my professors decided to make an analogy to explain Romanticism: something about how how one might "ask why he loves this woman even though she's a b****". Or something like that. It's what feminist spheres call casual misogyny.
And it triggered me. One, not fucking okay to use that language in a professional setting. Two, I hate that word because, three, it occasionally triggers a panic attack. I can usually manage in casual conversation; I kind of expect people to occasionally use that word, and am ready for it. On Tuesday, though, in a classroom, the professor casually used the word. Just like one of my peers in We Speak We Stand at the beginning of last semester casually inserted it into his skit. Both times evoked a panic response in me.
I haven't had a panic attack *since* the We Speak We Stand thing. Shortly afterward, we raised my anti-depressant dose, and I stopped having them. Apparently the trigger still exists for me, though.
I emailed the professor and CC'd my class dean to ask him (okay, more like forcefully tell him) not to use that language in a professional/classroom setting. And I explained why. According to my dean, it upset him that he had done that accidentally, and he emailed me several times in response.
It took me until Wednesday to really look at what was happening. Tuesday night I meditated and finally calmed down things like my fast pulse and tightness in my chest. I meditated for twice as long as usual, and it was effective in stopping the panic. I also meditated for like 10 minutes between classes because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to pay attention in my second class because I would have been too busy panicking.
Wednesday night I finally stopped again and let myself feel what was going on. I noticed avoidance patterns in my reaction to the prof's emails. I didn't want to meet with him even though he wanted to apologize in person. He suggested meeting at ~4pm, but I chose to take a badly-needed nap instead, and then our schedules didn't line up. But I've been doing self care for two days now, and while I'm glad all the coping techniques I've been developing helped, I wish I hadn't had the panic attack in the first place. I really hate the physiological response to that kind of stress, and how long it lasts. *sigh*
I don't want to be in his class anymore, but I need the credit to complete my major. I had to do breathing exercises as I was walking down the hall to the classroom this morning even though I knew the TA was proctoring our midterm exam, not the professor. It took a lot of willpower to go and take that midterm. It's probably good I did, because it means the anxiety didn't win today, but...I have no respect for that professor any more. I was already on the fence due to some other things about his class, but that pushed me into actively disliking him. It means I care less about the work in his class even though how well I do will affect my GPA, which is not good. I've never not wanted to be in a class before.
The only good thing about this is, no one involved accused me of being oversensitive or told me I should just get over it. Which means they took me seriously. My dean even suggested putting it on the campus climate log, but I have yet to be on the main part of campus and either have my laptop or remember to use a public terminal--it can only be easily accessed on the main network, and woodframe housing isn't on the main network. It's apparently possible but difficult to do it from woodframe network, but I have no idea how to do that, so it's a moot point.
Anyways. That's what I've been doing with the last two days. How is everyone else?