Movie Musings
My brother on Toy Story 3: "Best in the series...I don't know how many souls they had to sell to get that script, but it is great. And only an absolute monster wouldn't tear up during a couple scenes. Well written AND with room for a 4th. If the Toy Story scripts keep improving every movie like they have been...well, I'm pretty sure the pinnacle of human achievement will occur somewhere around #7."
See that? That is why my younger brother is my favorite brother (of 4). Considering what a cynic he typically is and how disinclined towards sequels of any kind, this kind of has me foaming at the mouth to see Toy Story 3. Unfortunately, I am broker than broke and must wait to see it.
What I didn't have to wait to see was the 1985 movie version of Red Sonja. If you don't know who Red Sonja is, that's okay, I'll explain. Red Sonja is a sword and sorcery character with origins in R.E. Howard's Conan stories. She took on a life of her own when given her own comic book adaptation after appearing in Marvel's Conan the Barbarian #23. Of course, she has a properly tragic background which inspired her to take up the sword and seek vengeance and since has become the standard to which all barbarian ladies are measured wielding her sword and her chain-mail bikinis to equally devastating effect.
Now, on to the movie. I love cheesy '80s cinema. I really do.
Red Sonja was just as awesomely bad as I expected it to be, and I loved it. My only complaint is that Queen Gedren, the villainess, was a crazy lesbian (the villainized lesbian is done to death). I still rooted for Gedren, though, because even as wacked out crazy as she was she was still totally awesome.
Alright, so Sonja (Bridgette Neilson) had a grudge against Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) for slaughtering her family because Sonja refused to become her love-puppet and gave her a wicked face scar (Gedren wasn't really big on proportional retribution or making the punishment fit the crime). Then, to make matters worse, years later after Sonja has learned to be a totally kick-ass fighter Gedren steals a hugely powerful talisman from a temple of priestesses and manages to kill Sonja's only remaining relative (her sister, a priestess). But before her sister died she sent Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger), big swordsman and nice guy, to fetch Sonja to her and she gave Sonja a mission: stop Gedren and destroy the talisman. But there's a catch, Sonja only has TWO WEEKS to get this done otherwise the world is doomed! OH no! And I'm thinking, how convenient it would be to have a timetable for the destruction of the world (Buffy would have killed to get one of those).
Sonja thanks Kalidor for fetching her and tells him to get lost (she has issues with men, understandable since Gedren's forces tried raping her to death. And now she won't lay with a man unless he defeats her in a fair fight), Kalidor backs off but follows Sonja to make sure she reaches her destination in one piece. Sonja has no idea he's following her and doesn't think to check because along the way to Gedren's homeland, the Land of Eternal Darkness (the cheese! I love it), she runs across a bandit leader exacting tolls to passage through his gate. Sonja kills him but forgot that his men would probably try to kill her for that so she gets into a big fight with them and is bailed out when Kalidor swoops in and holds the forces off so Sonja can get through the gate. Sonja is starting to like this Kalidor, he's willing to get cut to ribbons for her and he seems to enjoy wailing on hapless bandits.
Off she goes once more, this time meeting an arrogant boy-prince and his manservant (and these two were my favorite part of the movie aside from crazy Gedren), she ends up rescuing them a couple of times and teaching the boy-prince some fighting moves while they travel together (there's a small plot line about the boy-prince learning what it is to be a real man instead of an upstart irritant, but I liked him better when he was full of himself), boy-prince thinks Sonja would make an excellent wife for him someday when he's all grown up. Sonja, boy-prince, and manservant travel together for a time and are somehow led into a trap meant to kill the guys but keep Sonja alive (Gedren hasn't given up on that love-puppet thing, much to the irritation of her current maidservant/love-puppet). Sonja doesn't take the hint and tries to save the guys but can't, it's a water trap and a giant serpent machine thing, she needs help. Kalidor to the rescue! Kalidor and Sonja manage to blind the machine and get everyone out of the water trap.
Sonja is impressed with Kalidor despite herself, but says she will not be had by any man who hasn't beaten her in a fight. Naturally, Kalidor draws his sword, accepts her challenge, and says "if you will be had by no one but a conqueror, then prepare to be conquered"...I'll admit, I swooned a little because it's obvious he actually cares about Sonja and is willing to play by her rules, and because it's such a cheesy scene. They fight, for a long time, long enough that boy-prince (who when he saw them start to fight tried to rescue Sonja, realized the misunderstanding, and started practicing his swordplay) gets bored and goes to sleep. Sonja and Kalidor fight until they're both too exhausted to do anything more than gasp for air.
The next day they've made it to Gedren's fortress in the Land of Eternal Darkness (still loling at that) and have to sneak in. The adults all pretend that guarding the outer door is the most dangerous job and none of them want to face its unknown dangers, they really play it up until the boy-prince takes his courage in both hands and volunteers to guard the outside. Sonja thanks him, he swoons a bit, and the three adults climb their way into the fortress. They split up to find the talisman and fights ensue all over the place. Gedren's advisor tries to warn Gedren that the talisman is destroying the fortress (and it is) but crazy Gedren doesn't care, she's keeping it, she laughs as he angrily leaves. He later loots the treasury and tries to escape but boy-prince is on it and crushes him with a giant rolling door after spilling his treasure (which actually used to belong in boy-prince's treasury before Gedren used the artifact to destroy his kingdom).
While Kalidor and manservant are fighting Gedren's men in a mess-hall Sonja happens upon Gedren who was menacing boy-prince and fighting ensues. But Gedren's sorcerer cheats and blinks Gedren all over the room so Sonja can't land a killing blow. Sonja eventually notices that it's the sorcerer causing her troubles and beheads him (we're treated to the second epic gory spinning head flying through the air sequence, it's so gloriously lame), but Gedren took the chance and fled the throne chamber. Sonja chases after her (and I'm stunned that neither of those women tripped over any of the crap littering the floor) and catches her in the Chamber of Lights (no, really, it's a room full of lit candles that Gedren put the talisman in to get powered up by the light) and more fighting ensues. Boy-prince finds Kalidor and manservant and leads them to Sonja, but oh no! Trapped out by an iron drop-gate, they can only watch as Sonja battles Gedren in a room collapsing around them.
That doesn't stop Kalidor and manservant from trying to lift the gate though, and boy-prince slides under and tries to involve himself in the fight. The ground splits open before him and reveals a gaping chasm filled with magma, he reels back and falls over and a giant candle holder falls on top of his legs trapping him. The floor opening caused Sonja to fall over and bash her head against a rock, Gedren tries to take advantage and stab her in the back but boy-prince shouts a warning and Sonja gets on her feet blocking the attack. Sonja is well pissed off by now and just bashes at Gedren, beating her back (and it really looked like the actresses were wailing on those swords) until she falls over the lip of the chasm and dies in lava. Sonja tosses the talisman in after her and they all beat feet out of the fortress (but not without a few requisite close calls and nearly losing the boy-prince when he tries to sacrifice himself to open the rolling door for the others).
Out on a scenic hilltop they watch as the fortress fountains into a volcano and they are relieved they saved the world. Huzzah. Oh, but then, Kalidor remembers Sonja's words and draws his sword thinking he deserves a little nookie for going to all that trouble. They fight a little while boy-prince and manservant shake their heads in bemused exasperation. Their swords lock and they look deeply into each others' eyes and then they're kissing, cue cheesy music and the camera panning out to catch the sunset and perfect silhouettes of Kalidor and Sonja mackin' on each other while boy-prince and manservant ride away. The end.
I loved it. It was just the campy sword and sorcery movie I was hoping it would be when I got it. They really tried to hard to make it feel like a comic book, but that was only a little distracting. Poor Gedren the villainized lesbian, all she wanted was to rule the world and have some nookie with Sonja (can't say as I blame her there. Only thing wrong with Sonja was the hideous 80s mullet). And it made me want to watch the two Conan movies (starring Schwarzenegger as Conan). Fun times.
See that? That is why my younger brother is my favorite brother (of 4). Considering what a cynic he typically is and how disinclined towards sequels of any kind, this kind of has me foaming at the mouth to see Toy Story 3. Unfortunately, I am broker than broke and must wait to see it.
What I didn't have to wait to see was the 1985 movie version of Red Sonja. If you don't know who Red Sonja is, that's okay, I'll explain. Red Sonja is a sword and sorcery character with origins in R.E. Howard's Conan stories. She took on a life of her own when given her own comic book adaptation after appearing in Marvel's Conan the Barbarian #23. Of course, she has a properly tragic background which inspired her to take up the sword and seek vengeance and since has become the standard to which all barbarian ladies are measured wielding her sword and her chain-mail bikinis to equally devastating effect.
Now, on to the movie. I love cheesy '80s cinema. I really do.
Red Sonja was just as awesomely bad as I expected it to be, and I loved it. My only complaint is that Queen Gedren, the villainess, was a crazy lesbian (the villainized lesbian is done to death). I still rooted for Gedren, though, because even as wacked out crazy as she was she was still totally awesome.
Alright, so Sonja (Bridgette Neilson) had a grudge against Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) for slaughtering her family because Sonja refused to become her love-puppet and gave her a wicked face scar (Gedren wasn't really big on proportional retribution or making the punishment fit the crime). Then, to make matters worse, years later after Sonja has learned to be a totally kick-ass fighter Gedren steals a hugely powerful talisman from a temple of priestesses and manages to kill Sonja's only remaining relative (her sister, a priestess). But before her sister died she sent Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger), big swordsman and nice guy, to fetch Sonja to her and she gave Sonja a mission: stop Gedren and destroy the talisman. But there's a catch, Sonja only has TWO WEEKS to get this done otherwise the world is doomed! OH no! And I'm thinking, how convenient it would be to have a timetable for the destruction of the world (Buffy would have killed to get one of those).
Sonja thanks Kalidor for fetching her and tells him to get lost (she has issues with men, understandable since Gedren's forces tried raping her to death. And now she won't lay with a man unless he defeats her in a fair fight), Kalidor backs off but follows Sonja to make sure she reaches her destination in one piece. Sonja has no idea he's following her and doesn't think to check because along the way to Gedren's homeland, the Land of Eternal Darkness (the cheese! I love it), she runs across a bandit leader exacting tolls to passage through his gate. Sonja kills him but forgot that his men would probably try to kill her for that so she gets into a big fight with them and is bailed out when Kalidor swoops in and holds the forces off so Sonja can get through the gate. Sonja is starting to like this Kalidor, he's willing to get cut to ribbons for her and he seems to enjoy wailing on hapless bandits.
Off she goes once more, this time meeting an arrogant boy-prince and his manservant (and these two were my favorite part of the movie aside from crazy Gedren), she ends up rescuing them a couple of times and teaching the boy-prince some fighting moves while they travel together (there's a small plot line about the boy-prince learning what it is to be a real man instead of an upstart irritant, but I liked him better when he was full of himself), boy-prince thinks Sonja would make an excellent wife for him someday when he's all grown up. Sonja, boy-prince, and manservant travel together for a time and are somehow led into a trap meant to kill the guys but keep Sonja alive (Gedren hasn't given up on that love-puppet thing, much to the irritation of her current maidservant/love-puppet). Sonja doesn't take the hint and tries to save the guys but can't, it's a water trap and a giant serpent machine thing, she needs help. Kalidor to the rescue! Kalidor and Sonja manage to blind the machine and get everyone out of the water trap.
Sonja is impressed with Kalidor despite herself, but says she will not be had by any man who hasn't beaten her in a fight. Naturally, Kalidor draws his sword, accepts her challenge, and says "if you will be had by no one but a conqueror, then prepare to be conquered"...I'll admit, I swooned a little because it's obvious he actually cares about Sonja and is willing to play by her rules, and because it's such a cheesy scene. They fight, for a long time, long enough that boy-prince (who when he saw them start to fight tried to rescue Sonja, realized the misunderstanding, and started practicing his swordplay) gets bored and goes to sleep. Sonja and Kalidor fight until they're both too exhausted to do anything more than gasp for air.
The next day they've made it to Gedren's fortress in the Land of Eternal Darkness (still loling at that) and have to sneak in. The adults all pretend that guarding the outer door is the most dangerous job and none of them want to face its unknown dangers, they really play it up until the boy-prince takes his courage in both hands and volunteers to guard the outside. Sonja thanks him, he swoons a bit, and the three adults climb their way into the fortress. They split up to find the talisman and fights ensue all over the place. Gedren's advisor tries to warn Gedren that the talisman is destroying the fortress (and it is) but crazy Gedren doesn't care, she's keeping it, she laughs as he angrily leaves. He later loots the treasury and tries to escape but boy-prince is on it and crushes him with a giant rolling door after spilling his treasure (which actually used to belong in boy-prince's treasury before Gedren used the artifact to destroy his kingdom).
While Kalidor and manservant are fighting Gedren's men in a mess-hall Sonja happens upon Gedren who was menacing boy-prince and fighting ensues. But Gedren's sorcerer cheats and blinks Gedren all over the room so Sonja can't land a killing blow. Sonja eventually notices that it's the sorcerer causing her troubles and beheads him (we're treated to the second epic gory spinning head flying through the air sequence, it's so gloriously lame), but Gedren took the chance and fled the throne chamber. Sonja chases after her (and I'm stunned that neither of those women tripped over any of the crap littering the floor) and catches her in the Chamber of Lights (no, really, it's a room full of lit candles that Gedren put the talisman in to get powered up by the light) and more fighting ensues. Boy-prince finds Kalidor and manservant and leads them to Sonja, but oh no! Trapped out by an iron drop-gate, they can only watch as Sonja battles Gedren in a room collapsing around them.
That doesn't stop Kalidor and manservant from trying to lift the gate though, and boy-prince slides under and tries to involve himself in the fight. The ground splits open before him and reveals a gaping chasm filled with magma, he reels back and falls over and a giant candle holder falls on top of his legs trapping him. The floor opening caused Sonja to fall over and bash her head against a rock, Gedren tries to take advantage and stab her in the back but boy-prince shouts a warning and Sonja gets on her feet blocking the attack. Sonja is well pissed off by now and just bashes at Gedren, beating her back (and it really looked like the actresses were wailing on those swords) until she falls over the lip of the chasm and dies in lava. Sonja tosses the talisman in after her and they all beat feet out of the fortress (but not without a few requisite close calls and nearly losing the boy-prince when he tries to sacrifice himself to open the rolling door for the others).
Out on a scenic hilltop they watch as the fortress fountains into a volcano and they are relieved they saved the world. Huzzah. Oh, but then, Kalidor remembers Sonja's words and draws his sword thinking he deserves a little nookie for going to all that trouble. They fight a little while boy-prince and manservant shake their heads in bemused exasperation. Their swords lock and they look deeply into each others' eyes and then they're kissing, cue cheesy music and the camera panning out to catch the sunset and perfect silhouettes of Kalidor and Sonja mackin' on each other while boy-prince and manservant ride away. The end.
I loved it. It was just the campy sword and sorcery movie I was hoping it would be when I got it. They really tried to hard to make it feel like a comic book, but that was only a little distracting. Poor Gedren the villainized lesbian, all she wanted was to rule the world and have some nookie with Sonja (can't say as I blame her there. Only thing wrong with Sonja was the hideous 80s mullet). And it made me want to watch the two Conan movies (starring Schwarzenegger as Conan). Fun times.