Another night with J.Z.... Yes, I know you're all tired of hearing about this ^_^*
Last night, before J.Z. got home, I felt the urge to write. For the first time in a long time, I had the urge to write without first channeling something to write. That's a good sign ^_^.
I went upstairs to get my journal that I've been scribbling in and when I got back downstairs, he was sitting in his chair. I had to smile in spite of myself... I stuttered out, "I didn't think you'd be home..." He wanted to know why. "Because I just went upstairs for a second..."
I obviously didn't write... because lately, when he's involved, everything else becomes less important. We watched a movie, "Full Metal Jacket" instead of "Bobby". He didn't want to watch "Bobby" again so soon, because it was a heavy movie. "Full Metal Jacket" was an army movie... not really my speed... but it wasn't bad. J.Z. loves all that stuff... guns, history... all that stuff. I was still sick, so I spent most of the movie hacking... He's sick too. I couldn't help but think that it would be nice to be able to take care of him... Yeah...
Anyway. We were watching the movie, and I was sitting up on the floor. I was cold, so I grabbed a blanket off the couch and wrapped it around myself. I had it on my head, kind of like a hood, too. He looked at me and smiled, I looked at him and smiled a little... and I'll be completely honest... I'm sure I gave him another of the many looks I've been giving him lately. His smile broadened into a grin. He said something, "You're..." something... I can't remember... and then followed with:
J.Z.: "And... huggable!!"
He slid off his chair and was in my lap, sitting cross legged, in an instant. His arms wrapped around me under the blanket. I put my arms around him too and rested my head as best I could on his shoulder. We were holding each other tight as he continued.
J.Z.: "Is this wrong? Is it wrong that I love my friend?"
Me: Knowing that that could've been taken two ways... "No... it's not wrong." I opened my hand, and placed it over his left shoulder, feeling the strength that I know my left arm could never give off, as I held him tighter. "It's not wrong at all..." I wanted to tell him how much I loved him... even to just say it casually... that I love him too... But I didn't, because I was almost certain that would cross us into the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH stage, and he'd retreat... We held each other for a few seconds more... then his grip relaxed, and I knew it was time to let go... He sat next to me for a little while.
Later, I laid on the floor, the blanket on me. He laid down by my feet, and rested his head on my bent knees. The way I was laying, my hand was sort of between my knees. He brought his hand up to where my knees where, like he was snuggling with a pillow. He felt my fingers through the blanket, his voice had a slightly... uhhhhh... nervous tone:
J.Z.: "What is this?"
Me: "My fingers..."
J.Z.: he'd already sat up "Just didn't want to think it was something else..."
Me: Knowing that based on where he had felt it, it was impossible that it could have been what he was panicked about "Come on J.Z... I'm long, but I'm not that long..." after a moment of thought and a little laugh... "And I'm just a bit thicker than that..."
After the movie, I moved to the couch, since he was now on the opposite one, and I laid down. I remembered how the other day, he said something that he's said to me in the past a couple of times... "If I were gay, I'd be all over you." I spent the time before I fell asleep looking at him.
Yes, I know I'm annoying... and I know that I should just act on it already... I have a plan, though. I'm waiting for a time when it won't be quite as horrible when he turns me down... Now I'm going... Student Worker decided to stay during my lunch break, and she's been harassing me all this time... Trying to read what I've been writing and accusing me of being really secretive lately...
Until later.
I went upstairs to get my journal that I've been scribbling in and when I got back downstairs, he was sitting in his chair. I had to smile in spite of myself... I stuttered out, "I didn't think you'd be home..." He wanted to know why. "Because I just went upstairs for a second..."
I obviously didn't write... because lately, when he's involved, everything else becomes less important. We watched a movie, "Full Metal Jacket" instead of "Bobby". He didn't want to watch "Bobby" again so soon, because it was a heavy movie. "Full Metal Jacket" was an army movie... not really my speed... but it wasn't bad. J.Z. loves all that stuff... guns, history... all that stuff. I was still sick, so I spent most of the movie hacking... He's sick too. I couldn't help but think that it would be nice to be able to take care of him... Yeah...
Anyway. We were watching the movie, and I was sitting up on the floor. I was cold, so I grabbed a blanket off the couch and wrapped it around myself. I had it on my head, kind of like a hood, too. He looked at me and smiled, I looked at him and smiled a little... and I'll be completely honest... I'm sure I gave him another of the many looks I've been giving him lately. His smile broadened into a grin. He said something, "You're..." something... I can't remember... and then followed with:
J.Z.: "And... huggable!!"
He slid off his chair and was in my lap, sitting cross legged, in an instant. His arms wrapped around me under the blanket. I put my arms around him too and rested my head as best I could on his shoulder. We were holding each other tight as he continued.
J.Z.: "Is this wrong? Is it wrong that I love my friend?"
Me: Knowing that that could've been taken two ways... "No... it's not wrong." I opened my hand, and placed it over his left shoulder, feeling the strength that I know my left arm could never give off, as I held him tighter. "It's not wrong at all..." I wanted to tell him how much I loved him... even to just say it casually... that I love him too... But I didn't, because I was almost certain that would cross us into the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH stage, and he'd retreat... We held each other for a few seconds more... then his grip relaxed, and I knew it was time to let go... He sat next to me for a little while.
Later, I laid on the floor, the blanket on me. He laid down by my feet, and rested his head on my bent knees. The way I was laying, my hand was sort of between my knees. He brought his hand up to where my knees where, like he was snuggling with a pillow. He felt my fingers through the blanket, his voice had a slightly... uhhhhh... nervous tone:
J.Z.: "What is this?"
Me: "My fingers..."
J.Z.: he'd already sat up "Just didn't want to think it was something else..."
Me: Knowing that based on where he had felt it, it was impossible that it could have been what he was panicked about "Come on J.Z... I'm long, but I'm not that long..." after a moment of thought and a little laugh... "And I'm just a bit thicker than that..."
After the movie, I moved to the couch, since he was now on the opposite one, and I laid down. I remembered how the other day, he said something that he's said to me in the past a couple of times... "If I were gay, I'd be all over you." I spent the time before I fell asleep looking at him.
Yes, I know I'm annoying... and I know that I should just act on it already... I have a plan, though. I'm waiting for a time when it won't be quite as horrible when he turns me down... Now I'm going... Student Worker decided to stay during my lunch break, and she's been harassing me all this time... Trying to read what I've been writing and accusing me of being really secretive lately...
Until later.