Non-existent parenting.
So since my blog earlier started out on the topic of parenting, this afternoon I co-incidentally opened a piece of mail addressed to me.
But only it wasn't addressed to me, it was addressed in hand writing I recognized from being from my own mother... to "Jacyln Rothe"
Jacyln.... Jacyln... Jacyln... I will say it again just to make sure you are seeing it right Jacyln.
It wasn't a typo, it was handwritten on the envelope. What's worse… is that when I opened the letter, is was written To: Jacyln and Jordan.
AGAIN!!!!??!?!?! She did it twice, not once twice!
Then further on in the letter she spelled 'Jordy' wrong... instead writing Jorday.
I have never in my life seen someone typo in handwriting!
What bothers me about it... are a few things.
In the year and a half she has been gone, I have spoken to her a total of 3 times that I can remember. Each time she has mentioned she wanted to call me but the time difference stopped her. Irrelevant is the fact each time I spoke to her I told her I added her number to my 'My Five' free calling on my cell phone, and that I stay up until 11pm EST anyways. That gave her ample opportunity to call me whenever her heart desired.
Additionally, I must point out, that Jordan got a phone call on his birthday from her at the wee hours of the morning (8am my time, 5 am her time)... but she FORGOT to call me on my birthday. She did call me a week later and say she was sorry she forgot, but in light of this new error regarding me... I can't help but take it personally. Also my birthday is in February and Jordan’s is in June.
It's kind of shocking to be honest. My own mother forgot how to spell my name. I suppose it's not as bad as some things that other people's mothers have done to them, it's just sad.
When I was 6 my mother decided to move out of the house. I remember visiting her now and then, it was infrequent enough that when I look back on it, I seem to recall all the times I did stay with her, because it was out of the normal.
Some time later my parents tried to get back together, it didn't work out. When I was 10 my mom decided to pick up and move to Calgary. It's where my brother lived. He's actually my half brother, her son, born when she was 19.
My dad told me this year when I was talking with him about her, that when she moved out to Calgary when I was 10, I turned to him and said "Well maybe she will be happier there". He said he was shocked what a perceptive observation I expressed at a mere 10 years old.
I can't help but wonder if she ever wanted me to start with. She seemed to have run away at random times, maybe not solely due to me, but you would think that a parent would do everything they could to be where their child was.
In discussing my mother with my dad this year, I told him that I had thought back over all the times I could remember... and my mom was always a non-existent figure I don't have a lot of memory of her being prominent.
When she lived in Calgary my dad paid for me to go see her every other summer, and she came see me on the off summers. When I was staying with her we had fights, sometimes daily. She more or less felt that she deserved some kind of respect, and that me being difficult or individual in my adolescent way was the doing of my father.
So I got to play that tug of war between parents. Each of them accusing me of being something the other parent created. Looking back now, I was never able to just be me, and receive recognition for it.
Maybe that is why it hurts so bad now when someone does something of ill-spirit or “mal-intent” towards me. Because all I ever wanted from life was to give the same amount of affirmation to people, that I always wanted, and never... really... got.
So in her absentee life, she announced to my dad very early on that she was ‘set in her ways’.
It’s too bad that I never fit into those ways.
So this absent-minded sting from the mis-spelling of my name, is just another thing in the history of things I guess on some level I resent.
She makes mention in her letter that she is close to all of her family, and close enough she can fly to see Parrish. I resent that too. To me that says I was never part of her family. Even though we share the same DNA.
If she ever asked me if she could come see me, or if I would go see her, I don't honestly think my response would be 'Yes' at this point in time. I have looked over the broad over view of things, and I don't see anything that resembles a relationship there. She's became a stranger to me, and anyone who tries to fingernail their way under your skin, usually wants something. At this point there is nothing I can say I need or want from her, and I don't honestly know what she could want from me, as I don't seem to have ever had anything to offer her.
And I have to admit I don’t fully understand how my mother can be such a gypsy… I mean she doesn’t even own a cart or useful member of the equine family. And cat’s certainly make rubbish mules.
But only it wasn't addressed to me, it was addressed in hand writing I recognized from being from my own mother... to "Jacyln Rothe"
Jacyln.... Jacyln... Jacyln... I will say it again just to make sure you are seeing it right Jacyln.
It wasn't a typo, it was handwritten on the envelope. What's worse… is that when I opened the letter, is was written To: Jacyln and Jordan.
AGAIN!!!!??!?!?! She did it twice, not once twice!
Then further on in the letter she spelled 'Jordy' wrong... instead writing Jorday.
I have never in my life seen someone typo in handwriting!
What bothers me about it... are a few things.
In the year and a half she has been gone, I have spoken to her a total of 3 times that I can remember. Each time she has mentioned she wanted to call me but the time difference stopped her. Irrelevant is the fact each time I spoke to her I told her I added her number to my 'My Five' free calling on my cell phone, and that I stay up until 11pm EST anyways. That gave her ample opportunity to call me whenever her heart desired.
Additionally, I must point out, that Jordan got a phone call on his birthday from her at the wee hours of the morning (8am my time, 5 am her time)... but she FORGOT to call me on my birthday. She did call me a week later and say she was sorry she forgot, but in light of this new error regarding me... I can't help but take it personally. Also my birthday is in February and Jordan’s is in June.
It's kind of shocking to be honest. My own mother forgot how to spell my name. I suppose it's not as bad as some things that other people's mothers have done to them, it's just sad.
When I was 6 my mother decided to move out of the house. I remember visiting her now and then, it was infrequent enough that when I look back on it, I seem to recall all the times I did stay with her, because it was out of the normal.
Some time later my parents tried to get back together, it didn't work out. When I was 10 my mom decided to pick up and move to Calgary. It's where my brother lived. He's actually my half brother, her son, born when she was 19.
My dad told me this year when I was talking with him about her, that when she moved out to Calgary when I was 10, I turned to him and said "Well maybe she will be happier there". He said he was shocked what a perceptive observation I expressed at a mere 10 years old.
I can't help but wonder if she ever wanted me to start with. She seemed to have run away at random times, maybe not solely due to me, but you would think that a parent would do everything they could to be where their child was.
In discussing my mother with my dad this year, I told him that I had thought back over all the times I could remember... and my mom was always a non-existent figure I don't have a lot of memory of her being prominent.
When she lived in Calgary my dad paid for me to go see her every other summer, and she came see me on the off summers. When I was staying with her we had fights, sometimes daily. She more or less felt that she deserved some kind of respect, and that me being difficult or individual in my adolescent way was the doing of my father.
So I got to play that tug of war between parents. Each of them accusing me of being something the other parent created. Looking back now, I was never able to just be me, and receive recognition for it.
Maybe that is why it hurts so bad now when someone does something of ill-spirit or “mal-intent” towards me. Because all I ever wanted from life was to give the same amount of affirmation to people, that I always wanted, and never... really... got.
So in her absentee life, she announced to my dad very early on that she was ‘set in her ways’.
It’s too bad that I never fit into those ways.
So this absent-minded sting from the mis-spelling of my name, is just another thing in the history of things I guess on some level I resent.
She makes mention in her letter that she is close to all of her family, and close enough she can fly to see Parrish. I resent that too. To me that says I was never part of her family. Even though we share the same DNA.
If she ever asked me if she could come see me, or if I would go see her, I don't honestly think my response would be 'Yes' at this point in time. I have looked over the broad over view of things, and I don't see anything that resembles a relationship there. She's became a stranger to me, and anyone who tries to fingernail their way under your skin, usually wants something. At this point there is nothing I can say I need or want from her, and I don't honestly know what she could want from me, as I don't seem to have ever had anything to offer her.
And I have to admit I don’t fully understand how my mother can be such a gypsy… I mean she doesn’t even own a cart or useful member of the equine family. And cat’s certainly make rubbish mules.