Another rite of passage checked off.
Yesterday my two year relationship with Ben ended.
It's a rather long story involving major lack of communication, with a little cheating and dramatic driving for color. But the condensed version is basically that he wasn't ready for such a steady relationship yet. He wants to go out and be a stupid guy for a few years. To play the game. And since he's gonna be deployed for a year in like 6 months, I suppose it was inevitable that he'd want to sever those ties to go away and find himself and be free.
I understand completely. I was the only girl he'd been with intimately, and everyone should experience some variety before settling down. To "sew some wild oats" or however that saying goes. I just wish he would've told me these thoughts right when he had them, as opposed to waiting until we got an apartment together and he was tempted to darker, crazier fruits ( the girl he's now messing with, a high school friend that there was mutual lust for for around 4 years. She's certifiable...ok more batshit crazy, but whatever.), which caused both of us a lot of unnecessary anguish. The past week has been downright hell for me, with the lack of sleep and food and the whole emotional shitstorm. I basically made myself sick. I've lost 7 pounds in a week, not something I totally mind since I could stand to lose a few, but it's still not healthy.
Naturally I'm sad and distressed. He was my first relationship that actually made it for any length of time. And I've been heavily assured that the first heartbreak is the worst, though that doesn't make it hurt any less. But we're still best friends. We still care about each other. There were no problems between us. It was just too much, too soon. He's gonna live with me until his friend up in Superior gets a house so he can move into it, which I understand since that's where his family and a lot of his friends are ( I've been the only thing keeping him in the cities for the most part). That could be anywhere from a month to a few months depending the luck of the market. And even after he moves he's still gonna pay his half of the rent and bills for this place. Said he's not gonna leave me high and dry and that it was his fault he didn't say anything before we signed the lease. Sometimes it's probably gonna get a bit awkward, but we're already playing videogames and hanging just like nothing really happened. I think it's a great sign.
I'm gonna take this as an opportunity to find myself a bit too. To go back to school and try and find my niche in this silly world. Art is still something I'm hoping for, or maybe writing, but then where would my hobbies go? I've been considering some kind of design field, particularly landscape design, since I love getting my hands dirty. :3 I'm also gonna try to not be a total hermit anymore. Rebuild some old bridges and get back with some old friends.
We've been joking that we're on hiatus. If things fall into place for us individually and after awhile if we're still free, we'll give it another shot. He said he can see himself with me the rest of his life, and I feel the same. I'm not gonna save myself just for him; I'm gonna try other relationships, but finding someone with our kind of connection is a rare thing. So who know? If it's meant to be, it will be.
It's sad, but at least I got to keep my best friend. <3
It's a rather long story involving major lack of communication, with a little cheating and dramatic driving for color. But the condensed version is basically that he wasn't ready for such a steady relationship yet. He wants to go out and be a stupid guy for a few years. To play the game. And since he's gonna be deployed for a year in like 6 months, I suppose it was inevitable that he'd want to sever those ties to go away and find himself and be free.
I understand completely. I was the only girl he'd been with intimately, and everyone should experience some variety before settling down. To "sew some wild oats" or however that saying goes. I just wish he would've told me these thoughts right when he had them, as opposed to waiting until we got an apartment together and he was tempted to darker, crazier fruits ( the girl he's now messing with, a high school friend that there was mutual lust for for around 4 years. She's certifiable...ok more batshit crazy, but whatever.), which caused both of us a lot of unnecessary anguish. The past week has been downright hell for me, with the lack of sleep and food and the whole emotional shitstorm. I basically made myself sick. I've lost 7 pounds in a week, not something I totally mind since I could stand to lose a few, but it's still not healthy.
Naturally I'm sad and distressed. He was my first relationship that actually made it for any length of time. And I've been heavily assured that the first heartbreak is the worst, though that doesn't make it hurt any less. But we're still best friends. We still care about each other. There were no problems between us. It was just too much, too soon. He's gonna live with me until his friend up in Superior gets a house so he can move into it, which I understand since that's where his family and a lot of his friends are ( I've been the only thing keeping him in the cities for the most part). That could be anywhere from a month to a few months depending the luck of the market. And even after he moves he's still gonna pay his half of the rent and bills for this place. Said he's not gonna leave me high and dry and that it was his fault he didn't say anything before we signed the lease. Sometimes it's probably gonna get a bit awkward, but we're already playing videogames and hanging just like nothing really happened. I think it's a great sign.
I'm gonna take this as an opportunity to find myself a bit too. To go back to school and try and find my niche in this silly world. Art is still something I'm hoping for, or maybe writing, but then where would my hobbies go? I've been considering some kind of design field, particularly landscape design, since I love getting my hands dirty. :3 I'm also gonna try to not be a total hermit anymore. Rebuild some old bridges and get back with some old friends.
We've been joking that we're on hiatus. If things fall into place for us individually and after awhile if we're still free, we'll give it another shot. He said he can see himself with me the rest of his life, and I feel the same. I'm not gonna save myself just for him; I'm gonna try other relationships, but finding someone with our kind of connection is a rare thing. So who know? If it's meant to be, it will be.
It's sad, but at least I got to keep my best friend. <3