Nothing Doing
I keep expecting to turn a corner or open a door and find what I've been looking for all my life. I expect it to be something small, insignificant, easily overlooked. It will have all the answers, everything. It will be the apex of my enlightenment, the highlight of my life. I don't know where it'll be, but maybe I've seen it before time and time again. Perhaps I've ignored its special properties and one day they will be surprisingly revealed to me like a metaphysical blow to the face. I keep bracing myself for it, hoping that it appears.
I hate it when I make up my mind to be stubborn. I ball up all my emotional energy into a silent stubbornness that I mask with my playful antics and lovable charm. It never fails that once I'm content with the state in which I find myself I have the one meaningful dream that I will have had for months in which everything that happens is either physically possible or loaded with potential metaphorical meaning. Last night's was both. I woke up one minute before my alarm went off out of breath, trying to beg for help. I was running back to the only safe haven that I know.
I'm a very lucky girl. I've got friends who love me, a roof over my head, decent meals whenever I want, relatively free education, and considerable intellect. But I hate myself currently. I know that a paralyzing laziness has come over me. I need to work on my thesis and I need to study for the G.R.E. But I've killed so many brain cells this summer that I'm not sure if there are enough left to finish the work that I've started for myself. I'm awed by my own stupidity. I'm amazed at how dumb I've become. The moment I start to try to work on either (and I have to work on both today... no exception) I stare wide-eyed at my work and limp impotently back to a corner where I can bemoan my pitiable existence. Maybe I need school to start again so that I can kick-start my intellect. I'm really hoping that's all that's necessary. I watched last night while my fellow board members sat transfixed on my research and awe-struck by the maturity I command when talking about it. God, I can make myself sound so important... but I'm not. I'm really not. But it would kill me if the rest of the world could see through my guise. Similarly, it would kill me if I bottled this up any longer.
I just want peace, tranquility, and love. I want harmony, fairness, and balance. I want everyone to forget social convention and work for the betterment of the planet and all its inhabitants. I want to stop feeling all other things. I just want to feel universal love... nothing more, nothing less.
I hate it when I make up my mind to be stubborn. I ball up all my emotional energy into a silent stubbornness that I mask with my playful antics and lovable charm. It never fails that once I'm content with the state in which I find myself I have the one meaningful dream that I will have had for months in which everything that happens is either physically possible or loaded with potential metaphorical meaning. Last night's was both. I woke up one minute before my alarm went off out of breath, trying to beg for help. I was running back to the only safe haven that I know.
I'm a very lucky girl. I've got friends who love me, a roof over my head, decent meals whenever I want, relatively free education, and considerable intellect. But I hate myself currently. I know that a paralyzing laziness has come over me. I need to work on my thesis and I need to study for the G.R.E. But I've killed so many brain cells this summer that I'm not sure if there are enough left to finish the work that I've started for myself. I'm awed by my own stupidity. I'm amazed at how dumb I've become. The moment I start to try to work on either (and I have to work on both today... no exception) I stare wide-eyed at my work and limp impotently back to a corner where I can bemoan my pitiable existence. Maybe I need school to start again so that I can kick-start my intellect. I'm really hoping that's all that's necessary. I watched last night while my fellow board members sat transfixed on my research and awe-struck by the maturity I command when talking about it. God, I can make myself sound so important... but I'm not. I'm really not. But it would kill me if the rest of the world could see through my guise. Similarly, it would kill me if I bottled this up any longer.
I just want peace, tranquility, and love. I want harmony, fairness, and balance. I want everyone to forget social convention and work for the betterment of the planet and all its inhabitants. I want to stop feeling all other things. I just want to feel universal love... nothing more, nothing less.