Fruit Baskets & Life Contemplations
I just read through a lot of my recent entries and realized that I barely discuss my feelings or emotions anymore. Mostly, I list what I've done or what has happened to me (like the universe conspiring against me, preventing any job offers). I rather miss how interesting my writing used to be, and indeed, how interesting I used to be.
Chad and I were talking about this last night. I said I feel stupid and dull compared to him, because he knows everything, from what's in a roux to learning floating point binary on the spot so he could help out a friend with his homework. He did make me feel better by pointing out that I'm the artistic, creative, right-brained one who has a completely different kind of knowledge than his own left-brained logic--which, in turn, makes us a good couple.
That said, I would like to state for the record that I will try to find my former self again. I will make an effort to do something creative as often as possible. Today I worked on a mosaic for a church event, and I must say, I didn't realize how much I missed artsy stuff until I had the pieces in my hands.
I think, after going through this very difficult year and a half, that I can understand how someone can totally change and become the kind of person they don't even like. It is so easy to forget who you really are when you get caught up in all the crap around you. For the longest time, I stopped singing, reading, writing, sketching, and even caring about any of those things. But after seeing the mosaic come together today, I don't want to be lethargic and lifeless anymore. I want to be who I used to be, the person who sang while cleaning the house and wrote poems in her spare time.
I'm not saying it will be easy. I could just as easily feel despondent tomorrow. But I'm going to try to focus on the positives, even if there aren't many to choose from. However, if what happened yesterday keeps happening, I think it may be easier than I could ever imagine.
Yesterday I met with Josephine, the student I tutor. After our session was over, she asked me to follow her to her car. "I have something to give you," she said. "I know you might say I don't have to, or don't need to, but if it won't offend you, I want to give you something." I was thinking maybe a jar of the homemade jelly she always talks about making, but I wasn't prepared for what she actually did have.
She hauled out the HUGEST fruit basket I have ever seen and placed it in my arms. The thing had a whole pineapple, five grapefruit, six oranges, seven apples, red and green grapes, and a pear! And this was no storebought basket--no, she made it herself.
I thought for sure she was done, but oh no. "I've had that since Sunday," she said, "and I'm afraid the pineapple might be overripe. So here, I have another one for you." She pulled out another whole pineapple from her car, followed by two jars of her homemade strawberry jelly, a jar of homemade dill pickles, and finally, a Thanksgiving card! I thanked her profusely, but she didn't wait around for me to open the card. She got in her car and drove away smiling.
I deposited the load of stuff in my car and opened the Thanksgiving card to find a $25 Shell gas card in it! It had been so long since anything like that had happened to me, and I started crying. I really had lost my faith in our society as a whole, but I forgot that sometimes individual people make all the difference. That's only when they make an effort to, of course, but sweet little Josephine made my entire year with that fruit basket.
I don't want to live in the doldrums anymore. I want to be considerate and helpful and sweet like Josephine, and I want to be artistic and thoughtful and brilliant like I always told myself I would be.