I Didn't Think That....
I'm feeling sick, and I can't sleep. Actually, maybe I should say that I can't sleep, and I've been feeling sick. Lately I just can't get to sleep, even though I'm exhausted, and every day it's been worse. I sleep less, and my body starts acting like I have the flu: nausea, headache, fatigue, muscle weakness, etc. I'm supposed to have some time right now to sleep without a baby; Brian is out doing the grocery shopping and getting dinner with Freya (his first solo journey with her actually). But, I can't sleep. I tried, and all I could do was sit and think, and my headache intensifies when I lay down. So, here I am.
This is the post that is one of those more negative posts, unfortunately. It's weird to keep going back and forth between saying THINGS ARE AWESOME and things sucks i'm miserable, but that's sort of how my life goes now. For one thing, it's not at all what I thought it would be like, and that's made for some interesting attitude adjustments. So, this is a collection of my thoughts about what I DIDN'T think would happen.
1. I didn't think I'd have the baby who was so far behind in so many things that I frequently have to look up "signs of developmental delays" and "markers for autism/retardation/etc" in order to see how close we are. The answer? Actually, pretty close in some ways, and doing fine in others. Freya is way behind in babbling. She doesn't do syllables at all, and she doesn't babble. No "mama" or "dada" going on for us (not even ma or da actually), which usually happens around 8 months. She is behind in crawling, pulling up to a stand, and other gross developmental milestones. The only one she has in her bag is that she's been able to sit without support for two months longer than most babies.
2. I didn't think I wouldn't have lost any of my baby weight 8 and a half months out of pregnancy. I've blogged about this before, but it's incredibly difficult for me sometimes. I saw myself struggling with the last 5-10lbs for several months. You know, getting that final stretch can be so hard. But, no. That's not what's happened. First off, I gained back 7lbs that I'd lost from giving birth. I've FINALLY gotten back down to my starting point: 143lbs. This means I've lost exactly 0lbs from my baby weight post-partum. I have 23lbs to go to get back to my ideal weight. Now, I'm being a bit gentle with myself, and more fair than I have been, because I have come to realize that despite the scale difference, I'm not actually much chunkier than before. I've done a lot of work to tighten up my abs and get them back together, and I'm now wearing a size 8 (or 9 in teens). That's only 1-2 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy. On top I went from a size 10-12 to a size 18-20. THAT is significant. That's where a good chunk of that weight is coming from, at least 5-8lbs anyway. The rest, however, is fat and loss of muscle tone.
3. I didn't think I would have to work out every single night with weights just to make any progress. I've never lost weight super easily. But, I learned quickly that I can't cut my calories while I'm breastfeeding. I get so fucking hungry it's insane. You have not BEEN hungry on a daily basis until you're pregnant or breastfeeding. I'm telling you--it's a different experience. Your body just will not let you deny it. So, I've worked harder on eating at home and eating healthy, medium to low carb meals. But, it wasn't enough. I had to start working out with weights, because I can't really do cardio. For one thing, my breasts are insanity sized. I can't do a jumping jack without extreme pain with FOUR bras on. FOUR. Then, most of the time my exercising time happens late at night--like 11pm late. I have maybe 30-40 minutes to exercise between 10:20pm and 11pm. I can't just "go for a jog" or even a walk.
4. I didn't think I would still need to be present for each and every nap that Freya takes...or that I would be okay with this. On one hand, I hate it. I hate that she still needs to nurse to sleep during the day, and that I can't do anything while she sleeps. But, on the other hand, I have come to accept that she's still a baby. Not a toddler. A baby. It's okay for her to still need me very close, and to not be independent. I've done a lot of reading about our cultural push for "self-soothing" babies, and the more I find, the less I agree with it. Biologically, it makes no sense for our species. Looking at other primates, and our mammal cousins, shows no other species doing as we do: no nurseries, no napping away from parents, no giving a pacifier and walking away while they cry, etc.
5. I didn't think I'd still be co-sleeping...or that I have zero intention to stop it until we have another baby OR Freya wants to sleep alone. It's really whichever comes first. When Freya is ready to sleep alone, and can communicate it to us in some form, then she will. But, I won't be doing it. The only deadline she has is that by the time Baby Number 2 comes along, we will need the bed for THAT baby. Of course, Freya will be nearly 4 by then, so that's a good long while. As for why...well. Same reasons as with sleeping. Breastfeeding is a huge factor--you do not know convenience with breastfeeding until you just pull down your shirt, pop a boob in your stirring baby's mouth (eyes still closed and everything), and settle back down to sleep. Yes, still nursing. While you both sleep. I can't sleep deeply while I nurse, but I do doze/nap/sleep lightly. And Freya usually sleeps through the whole thing.
6. I didn't think I was going to be an extended breastfeeding mother. I remember when the article in Time Magazine came about with mothers breastfeeding into childhood, I was like, "Hey, I am a fan of breastfeeding, but you have to draw a line." Actually, I've discovered, you don't. In fact, zero medical basis for stopping, folks. Not just in childhood, but--oh yes, think about THIS--FOR YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE. Before you go all, "eewwwwwwwwwww" thinking about drinking down a glass of breastmilk with lunch, or pouring some into your wheat bran, or whipping some up to put on your hot cocoa, let me remind you that cow's milk is marketed as a "healthy" drink full of "essential" vitamins like calcium. Guess what. Breastmilk is like the heavenly nirvana ambrosia of drinks that are healthy for humans, and milk is...well...it's the soda with artificially added vitamins. But, our culture is bizarr-o land and obsessed with making breasts into sexual orbs, and keeping babies away from boobies (and therefore, the milk). So, we won't be "weaning" Freya in the sense of trying to actively reduce milk feedings. As long as she wants it, there will be breastmilk for her. Whether that it's in 2 years (my minimum) or in 10. YES. You read that correctly. I do not give a flying fuck when she stops. I have said that she will have to stop for at least a time while I'm pregnant--often your milk will stop if you aren't nursing regularly, which she won't be by that time, but if she wants to start up again to tandem nurse with her younger sibling(s)...she's welcome to. Look up the benefits, if you doubt me. They stretch on and on and on. Breastmilk is fucking incredible, and the way we shame drinking it is a fucking shame.
7. I didn't think I'd become such a judgmental prick. I am not the kind of person who judges others harshly, usually. In fact, I stand for compassion and second chances most of the time. I try not to judge someone harshly even for doing an evil act--because that act may not represent who they are as a person, as a whole. But, motherhood and its ensuing knowledge has seriously fucked me up. Not only have I been judged, very harshly, but I have discovered that I judge others just as harshly. The difference? I keep it to myself. UNLESS DIRECTLY, EXPLICITLY, ASKED I offer zero opinions on subjects I'm passionate about. Breastfeeding is a major hot button for me. Defensive formula feeders fucking piss me off so hardcore. I was reading a blog where the mother had started to supplement so that she wouldn't have to pump so often, then she missed a couple pumpings, and next thing she knew her milk was gone. I became LIVID and DISGUSTED with her. Every post I read from then on was colored by this knowledge that she was a lazy ass mother who couldn't put her baby first, and then went all like, "Poor poor me, I wasn't ready to stop, wah wah wah." To put it in perspective for me, it's like if you heard a mother saying how she didn't feel like feeding her baby so often, so she just didn't...and then she forgot to feed her baby for 24 hours, and now she can't. Just because formula exists doesn't mean you should use it. I judge women who didn't just keep fighting to breastfeed so harshly it's not funny. It's serious. And mothers who choose sleep training...well. That's another one. Cloth diapering, bam. Another. I am cruel in my own head. Very uncharitable. As I said, the only claim I have of decency is that I do NOT say anything. I try not to even give a look! I don't comment on blogs or posts unless they are asking for opinions or help. Because I've been there, and had people say nasty things to me ("Your husband should divorce your whiny ass"/"You're so fucked up and you're going to have a fucked up daughter who will probably kill herself"/"Go see a psychiatrist because you are one messed up cunt bitch" to name a few choice comments I've received).
8. I didn't think that I would have so much trouble making friends. It seems so easy. We have something in common. We're all meeting up in the same place. Surely, I cannot be the only person there who wants more than just a single meet up. But, alas, I cannot do it. I've been shunned, actively and passively, and I've been politely turned down. A lot of other women who have also struggled with this has said that it is exactly like dating, and they're right. I was a miserable failure with dating. I was never able to meet anyone I wasn't working with or going to school with--or knew through a friend. I was never "picked up" or flirted with to the point of number exchanging ever. EVER. And now, the same thing is happening. I can't get anyone to want to be around me. It's the hardest blow to my self-esteem I have ever experienced. 8 months of completely futile trying. I have not made a single mommy friend. Even my neighbor who seemed so perfect, was a crash and burn. She was too busy with her own life to really fit me into it, and now that they've moved, we've had zero contact. I have almost given up hope. I don't see it happening anymore. I have people I want to try to befriend at Gymboree, but I'm already prepared for the inevitable failure.
9. I didn't think I would have so little time to talk to anyone. Most of my day is spent with Freya napping or nursing. She sleeps SO MUCH. 15 hours a day is her average. It's insane. The few hours I have during the day between 10am and 6pm are spent, usually, eating if I can, and entertaining her. I have had to dedicate so much of my "free" time to helping her do loads of Tummy Time, Standing Time, and exploration, because she's so far behind her peers. Don't get me wrong--I am FULLY committed to her doing these things WHEN SHE IS READY. I am not--and refuse to do so--making her do anything. She'll crawl or pull up when she's ready. But, what I CAN do is help her muscles get strong enough for her to actually do it. Right now she's extremely frustrated because she wants to crawl--she wants the movement anyway--but she's not strong enough to push her whole body up the way she needs to. This is because she needs more time on her stomach, and on her arms. So, that's what I do. I help her stay there as long as I can get her to; we're working towards 2 hours now. I can't chat away on the phone, because she gets upset left on her own, especially now that it's frustrating. The result? I never get to talk to anyone. And since no one is calling me anyway, it's not like it's a priority of mine to figure out times that could work.
10. I didn't think my baby would reject solids for so long. I started learning about Baby Led Weaning (BLW) around the 3 months mark. I had looked into solids, and baby food, before but it was casual. I assumed I knew what to do--blend stuff up, "here comes the airplane!" and spoon into mouth. Start around 6 months. Bam, wham, thank you ma'am. Except that I came across some interesting philosophies about this method while I was researching breastfeeding. Down the rabbit hole I went, and found a wealth of information about why this isn't a good thing. Like so much of our most common practices with babies in this country, it's because of Money. There's MONEY in baby food, and in pediatricians getting regular visits where they can recommend things. Rice cereal--a bland, nutritional DISASTER, that takes up valuable space that breastmilk should be using--is MONEY. It's SPECIAL purchases. That's a problem when you think about how BLW is all about just giving the baby what you're eating, often just slightly adapted. For instance, I like my broccoli florets with little stem, but I would serve a BLW baby a broccoli with a good longer stem for a good handle for grabbing so they can munch on the top while holding it in her fist. I like my carrots on the med-firm side, but for a BLW baby, it should be a little bit softer like soft-medium. I don't buy pouches or meshes or jars. BUT. Oh, but. Freya has generally rejected food. She doesn't like the tastes or the textures. She throws up 75% of what we've offered. I stopped even offering her food for about a month, and even now I often skip it if I'm not in the mood, because most of the time I have to deal with the throw up mid-meal. It's not the BLW, either. She'd be doing even worse if I was force-feeding her purees. She's actually enjoyed playing with her food more in the past week that I've been more dedicated to giving her things. The cauliflower last night was interesting for her, and she may have even eaten a very small bite. This is where she should have been 2 months ago, though. That's the distressing part.
11. I didn't think I would SHRINK half a size in shoes. Fucking buttmonkey sandwhores of hell. The ONE thing I was looking forward to about my body never being the same again (and, oh yes, it is NOT the same, and it NEVER will be again, that's for damn sure) was that 80% of women go up half a size in shoes. I had hoped it would happen with every pregnancy, too. 3 pregnancies equals 1.5 shoe sizes. I would be a 6.5!! NORMAL SHOE SIZE THAT EVERYWHERE CARRIES! YES! OH GOD FINALLY YES!! ...but, after the water weight of pregnancy went away, I noticed my shoes started feeling weird. Not tight. No. Not like I wanted. They felt...loose. Not necessarily a whole half-size loose, but NOT FITTED PROPERLY. I have gone DOWN. My feet SHRANK. I can't even tell you the misery I feel about this, because my feet were so fucking hard to shop for as it was. I used to love shoe shopping when everyone carried size 5s in stores. Then, everyone else got fat and/or pregnant and the average shoe size went up, and next thing you know, size 6 is the new size 5. No store in the 4 malls we goes to carries a size 5. Chew on that for a moment. Now? I've had to start hoping for shoes that run a bit smaller. I want to surgically alter my feet. If they shrink again after next pregnancy, I'm going to be accused of fucking feet binding, I swear to Bob.
12. I didn't think I'd have so many ups and downs. I figured I'd be pretty stable once baby arrived. Oh, sure, I thought I understood that new parenting can be rough sometimes, but I didn't get it until I was experiencing it how some days life is good and other days I think about killing myself (not kidding, by the way--I mean this literally). Mostly, it's come from a very rough and rocky path towards acceptance. No, not acceptance: Acceptance. With a capital letter. It's not just like how you accept that you'll never grow taller again, and you are this height forever. It's the acceptance that even though you may technically have the power to change something, you have Accepted that you will not. I have had to Accept that this is my routine now. That this is my life, and though I have the power to alter it, I have to chose not to do so. Not because it's best for me, but because it is best for my baby.
That, folks, is the summation of my life's position right now. I have read those "happy Mama = happy baby" and it's fucking bullshit. Babies aren't people. They're caveman-era creatures with simple, undeniable needs and no concept of "later." They are like Zen Masters. They live only in the now, and they are fully detached from the world's materialism. They can be taught some materialism (Freya has her favorite toys, but we worked hard once we realized we weren't going to do sleep training or crib training to NOT create a "lovey" that she uses as her security--we can take every toy away from Freya, and she's okay), but they do not naturally give a shit. They cannot deny their needs, nor can they reason with themselves or others.
You know who can? Adults. Adults who have had babies. It is literally my job to reason with myself and say, "She still needs you to be with her when she sleeps, even if it's a nap. She still wants/needs to nurse and sleep, and she needs to know that food is close by even if she stops." It's my job to Accept that I can't do things that other moms do, because I have Accepted my baby for who she is, and I have Accepted that I am not going to make her do things she is not ready to do. In fact, I don't know that I will ever truly MAKE her do anything. Anyone with experience in toddlers knows that you can't REALLY make a toddler do anything. Oh, sure, you can threaten, cajole, bribe, etc. But, if they really don't want to do it, they'll call your bluff or ignore your enticing offers. Instead, my focus has to be on understanding Freya.
She still doesn't mimic us very well. She hasn't from birth. She never mimicked our expressions as an infant, and she doesn't mimic an action back at us (like if I bang on something, or if I push a button, and so on), 9 times out of 10. But, she does do some things now that she's older. She will laugh if I laugh--even at nothing, although it's not a full belly laugh, I can at least get her giggling. She'll smile when smiled at, and will now even initiate the smile.
In the end, despite the things that I didn't think would happen that are negative, I've found things I didn't think would happen that are positive. I didn't think I'd have a baby so pretty that strangers stop us everywhere we go, and other parents have straight out said is the cutest/prettiest baby they've ever seen (sometimes even while holding their own kid--awwwkkwwaaaard). I didn't think I'd have a baby who so obviously seems to understand many words already. She is showing a great aptitude for understanding words we use, and possibly even whole sentences. It's been bizarre, the past 2 months, seeing her go from knowing her name to following directions like "Don't GRAB the kitties--pat them, like I'm doing. Open hand, pat" and "Grab your feet!" This from the same girl who doesn't babble.
Well. Those are my thoughts right now. There are more, but I'm done for the moment. All chatted out. I wish I'd been able to talk about these things with someone, but this is good enough for now.
This is the post that is one of those more negative posts, unfortunately. It's weird to keep going back and forth between saying THINGS ARE AWESOME and things sucks i'm miserable, but that's sort of how my life goes now. For one thing, it's not at all what I thought it would be like, and that's made for some interesting attitude adjustments. So, this is a collection of my thoughts about what I DIDN'T think would happen.
1. I didn't think I'd have the baby who was so far behind in so many things that I frequently have to look up "signs of developmental delays" and "markers for autism/retardation/etc" in order to see how close we are. The answer? Actually, pretty close in some ways, and doing fine in others. Freya is way behind in babbling. She doesn't do syllables at all, and she doesn't babble. No "mama" or "dada" going on for us (not even ma or da actually), which usually happens around 8 months. She is behind in crawling, pulling up to a stand, and other gross developmental milestones. The only one she has in her bag is that she's been able to sit without support for two months longer than most babies.
2. I didn't think I wouldn't have lost any of my baby weight 8 and a half months out of pregnancy. I've blogged about this before, but it's incredibly difficult for me sometimes. I saw myself struggling with the last 5-10lbs for several months. You know, getting that final stretch can be so hard. But, no. That's not what's happened. First off, I gained back 7lbs that I'd lost from giving birth. I've FINALLY gotten back down to my starting point: 143lbs. This means I've lost exactly 0lbs from my baby weight post-partum. I have 23lbs to go to get back to my ideal weight. Now, I'm being a bit gentle with myself, and more fair than I have been, because I have come to realize that despite the scale difference, I'm not actually much chunkier than before. I've done a lot of work to tighten up my abs and get them back together, and I'm now wearing a size 8 (or 9 in teens). That's only 1-2 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy. On top I went from a size 10-12 to a size 18-20. THAT is significant. That's where a good chunk of that weight is coming from, at least 5-8lbs anyway. The rest, however, is fat and loss of muscle tone.
3. I didn't think I would have to work out every single night with weights just to make any progress. I've never lost weight super easily. But, I learned quickly that I can't cut my calories while I'm breastfeeding. I get so fucking hungry it's insane. You have not BEEN hungry on a daily basis until you're pregnant or breastfeeding. I'm telling you--it's a different experience. Your body just will not let you deny it. So, I've worked harder on eating at home and eating healthy, medium to low carb meals. But, it wasn't enough. I had to start working out with weights, because I can't really do cardio. For one thing, my breasts are insanity sized. I can't do a jumping jack without extreme pain with FOUR bras on. FOUR. Then, most of the time my exercising time happens late at night--like 11pm late. I have maybe 30-40 minutes to exercise between 10:20pm and 11pm. I can't just "go for a jog" or even a walk.
4. I didn't think I would still need to be present for each and every nap that Freya takes...or that I would be okay with this. On one hand, I hate it. I hate that she still needs to nurse to sleep during the day, and that I can't do anything while she sleeps. But, on the other hand, I have come to accept that she's still a baby. Not a toddler. A baby. It's okay for her to still need me very close, and to not be independent. I've done a lot of reading about our cultural push for "self-soothing" babies, and the more I find, the less I agree with it. Biologically, it makes no sense for our species. Looking at other primates, and our mammal cousins, shows no other species doing as we do: no nurseries, no napping away from parents, no giving a pacifier and walking away while they cry, etc.
5. I didn't think I'd still be co-sleeping...or that I have zero intention to stop it until we have another baby OR Freya wants to sleep alone. It's really whichever comes first. When Freya is ready to sleep alone, and can communicate it to us in some form, then she will. But, I won't be doing it. The only deadline she has is that by the time Baby Number 2 comes along, we will need the bed for THAT baby. Of course, Freya will be nearly 4 by then, so that's a good long while. As for why...well. Same reasons as with sleeping. Breastfeeding is a huge factor--you do not know convenience with breastfeeding until you just pull down your shirt, pop a boob in your stirring baby's mouth (eyes still closed and everything), and settle back down to sleep. Yes, still nursing. While you both sleep. I can't sleep deeply while I nurse, but I do doze/nap/sleep lightly. And Freya usually sleeps through the whole thing.
6. I didn't think I was going to be an extended breastfeeding mother. I remember when the article in Time Magazine came about with mothers breastfeeding into childhood, I was like, "Hey, I am a fan of breastfeeding, but you have to draw a line." Actually, I've discovered, you don't. In fact, zero medical basis for stopping, folks. Not just in childhood, but--oh yes, think about THIS--FOR YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE. Before you go all, "eewwwwwwwwwww" thinking about drinking down a glass of breastmilk with lunch, or pouring some into your wheat bran, or whipping some up to put on your hot cocoa, let me remind you that cow's milk is marketed as a "healthy" drink full of "essential" vitamins like calcium. Guess what. Breastmilk is like the heavenly nirvana ambrosia of drinks that are healthy for humans, and milk is...well...it's the soda with artificially added vitamins. But, our culture is bizarr-o land and obsessed with making breasts into sexual orbs, and keeping babies away from boobies (and therefore, the milk). So, we won't be "weaning" Freya in the sense of trying to actively reduce milk feedings. As long as she wants it, there will be breastmilk for her. Whether that it's in 2 years (my minimum) or in 10. YES. You read that correctly. I do not give a flying fuck when she stops. I have said that she will have to stop for at least a time while I'm pregnant--often your milk will stop if you aren't nursing regularly, which she won't be by that time, but if she wants to start up again to tandem nurse with her younger sibling(s)...she's welcome to. Look up the benefits, if you doubt me. They stretch on and on and on. Breastmilk is fucking incredible, and the way we shame drinking it is a fucking shame.
7. I didn't think I'd become such a judgmental prick. I am not the kind of person who judges others harshly, usually. In fact, I stand for compassion and second chances most of the time. I try not to judge someone harshly even for doing an evil act--because that act may not represent who they are as a person, as a whole. But, motherhood and its ensuing knowledge has seriously fucked me up. Not only have I been judged, very harshly, but I have discovered that I judge others just as harshly. The difference? I keep it to myself. UNLESS DIRECTLY, EXPLICITLY, ASKED I offer zero opinions on subjects I'm passionate about. Breastfeeding is a major hot button for me. Defensive formula feeders fucking piss me off so hardcore. I was reading a blog where the mother had started to supplement so that she wouldn't have to pump so often, then she missed a couple pumpings, and next thing she knew her milk was gone. I became LIVID and DISGUSTED with her. Every post I read from then on was colored by this knowledge that she was a lazy ass mother who couldn't put her baby first, and then went all like, "Poor poor me, I wasn't ready to stop, wah wah wah." To put it in perspective for me, it's like if you heard a mother saying how she didn't feel like feeding her baby so often, so she just didn't...and then she forgot to feed her baby for 24 hours, and now she can't. Just because formula exists doesn't mean you should use it. I judge women who didn't just keep fighting to breastfeed so harshly it's not funny. It's serious. And mothers who choose sleep training...well. That's another one. Cloth diapering, bam. Another. I am cruel in my own head. Very uncharitable. As I said, the only claim I have of decency is that I do NOT say anything. I try not to even give a look! I don't comment on blogs or posts unless they are asking for opinions or help. Because I've been there, and had people say nasty things to me ("Your husband should divorce your whiny ass"/"You're so fucked up and you're going to have a fucked up daughter who will probably kill herself"/"Go see a psychiatrist because you are one messed up cunt bitch" to name a few choice comments I've received).
8. I didn't think that I would have so much trouble making friends. It seems so easy. We have something in common. We're all meeting up in the same place. Surely, I cannot be the only person there who wants more than just a single meet up. But, alas, I cannot do it. I've been shunned, actively and passively, and I've been politely turned down. A lot of other women who have also struggled with this has said that it is exactly like dating, and they're right. I was a miserable failure with dating. I was never able to meet anyone I wasn't working with or going to school with--or knew through a friend. I was never "picked up" or flirted with to the point of number exchanging ever. EVER. And now, the same thing is happening. I can't get anyone to want to be around me. It's the hardest blow to my self-esteem I have ever experienced. 8 months of completely futile trying. I have not made a single mommy friend. Even my neighbor who seemed so perfect, was a crash and burn. She was too busy with her own life to really fit me into it, and now that they've moved, we've had zero contact. I have almost given up hope. I don't see it happening anymore. I have people I want to try to befriend at Gymboree, but I'm already prepared for the inevitable failure.
9. I didn't think I would have so little time to talk to anyone. Most of my day is spent with Freya napping or nursing. She sleeps SO MUCH. 15 hours a day is her average. It's insane. The few hours I have during the day between 10am and 6pm are spent, usually, eating if I can, and entertaining her. I have had to dedicate so much of my "free" time to helping her do loads of Tummy Time, Standing Time, and exploration, because she's so far behind her peers. Don't get me wrong--I am FULLY committed to her doing these things WHEN SHE IS READY. I am not--and refuse to do so--making her do anything. She'll crawl or pull up when she's ready. But, what I CAN do is help her muscles get strong enough for her to actually do it. Right now she's extremely frustrated because she wants to crawl--she wants the movement anyway--but she's not strong enough to push her whole body up the way she needs to. This is because she needs more time on her stomach, and on her arms. So, that's what I do. I help her stay there as long as I can get her to; we're working towards 2 hours now. I can't chat away on the phone, because she gets upset left on her own, especially now that it's frustrating. The result? I never get to talk to anyone. And since no one is calling me anyway, it's not like it's a priority of mine to figure out times that could work.
10. I didn't think my baby would reject solids for so long. I started learning about Baby Led Weaning (BLW) around the 3 months mark. I had looked into solids, and baby food, before but it was casual. I assumed I knew what to do--blend stuff up, "here comes the airplane!" and spoon into mouth. Start around 6 months. Bam, wham, thank you ma'am. Except that I came across some interesting philosophies about this method while I was researching breastfeeding. Down the rabbit hole I went, and found a wealth of information about why this isn't a good thing. Like so much of our most common practices with babies in this country, it's because of Money. There's MONEY in baby food, and in pediatricians getting regular visits where they can recommend things. Rice cereal--a bland, nutritional DISASTER, that takes up valuable space that breastmilk should be using--is MONEY. It's SPECIAL purchases. That's a problem when you think about how BLW is all about just giving the baby what you're eating, often just slightly adapted. For instance, I like my broccoli florets with little stem, but I would serve a BLW baby a broccoli with a good longer stem for a good handle for grabbing so they can munch on the top while holding it in her fist. I like my carrots on the med-firm side, but for a BLW baby, it should be a little bit softer like soft-medium. I don't buy pouches or meshes or jars. BUT. Oh, but. Freya has generally rejected food. She doesn't like the tastes or the textures. She throws up 75% of what we've offered. I stopped even offering her food for about a month, and even now I often skip it if I'm not in the mood, because most of the time I have to deal with the throw up mid-meal. It's not the BLW, either. She'd be doing even worse if I was force-feeding her purees. She's actually enjoyed playing with her food more in the past week that I've been more dedicated to giving her things. The cauliflower last night was interesting for her, and she may have even eaten a very small bite. This is where she should have been 2 months ago, though. That's the distressing part.
11. I didn't think I would SHRINK half a size in shoes. Fucking buttmonkey sandwhores of hell. The ONE thing I was looking forward to about my body never being the same again (and, oh yes, it is NOT the same, and it NEVER will be again, that's for damn sure) was that 80% of women go up half a size in shoes. I had hoped it would happen with every pregnancy, too. 3 pregnancies equals 1.5 shoe sizes. I would be a 6.5!! NORMAL SHOE SIZE THAT EVERYWHERE CARRIES! YES! OH GOD FINALLY YES!! ...but, after the water weight of pregnancy went away, I noticed my shoes started feeling weird. Not tight. No. Not like I wanted. They felt...loose. Not necessarily a whole half-size loose, but NOT FITTED PROPERLY. I have gone DOWN. My feet SHRANK. I can't even tell you the misery I feel about this, because my feet were so fucking hard to shop for as it was. I used to love shoe shopping when everyone carried size 5s in stores. Then, everyone else got fat and/or pregnant and the average shoe size went up, and next thing you know, size 6 is the new size 5. No store in the 4 malls we goes to carries a size 5. Chew on that for a moment. Now? I've had to start hoping for shoes that run a bit smaller. I want to surgically alter my feet. If they shrink again after next pregnancy, I'm going to be accused of fucking feet binding, I swear to Bob.
12. I didn't think I'd have so many ups and downs. I figured I'd be pretty stable once baby arrived. Oh, sure, I thought I understood that new parenting can be rough sometimes, but I didn't get it until I was experiencing it how some days life is good and other days I think about killing myself (not kidding, by the way--I mean this literally). Mostly, it's come from a very rough and rocky path towards acceptance. No, not acceptance: Acceptance. With a capital letter. It's not just like how you accept that you'll never grow taller again, and you are this height forever. It's the acceptance that even though you may technically have the power to change something, you have Accepted that you will not. I have had to Accept that this is my routine now. That this is my life, and though I have the power to alter it, I have to chose not to do so. Not because it's best for me, but because it is best for my baby.
That, folks, is the summation of my life's position right now. I have read those "happy Mama = happy baby" and it's fucking bullshit. Babies aren't people. They're caveman-era creatures with simple, undeniable needs and no concept of "later." They are like Zen Masters. They live only in the now, and they are fully detached from the world's materialism. They can be taught some materialism (Freya has her favorite toys, but we worked hard once we realized we weren't going to do sleep training or crib training to NOT create a "lovey" that she uses as her security--we can take every toy away from Freya, and she's okay), but they do not naturally give a shit. They cannot deny their needs, nor can they reason with themselves or others.
You know who can? Adults. Adults who have had babies. It is literally my job to reason with myself and say, "She still needs you to be with her when she sleeps, even if it's a nap. She still wants/needs to nurse and sleep, and she needs to know that food is close by even if she stops." It's my job to Accept that I can't do things that other moms do, because I have Accepted my baby for who she is, and I have Accepted that I am not going to make her do things she is not ready to do. In fact, I don't know that I will ever truly MAKE her do anything. Anyone with experience in toddlers knows that you can't REALLY make a toddler do anything. Oh, sure, you can threaten, cajole, bribe, etc. But, if they really don't want to do it, they'll call your bluff or ignore your enticing offers. Instead, my focus has to be on understanding Freya.
She still doesn't mimic us very well. She hasn't from birth. She never mimicked our expressions as an infant, and she doesn't mimic an action back at us (like if I bang on something, or if I push a button, and so on), 9 times out of 10. But, she does do some things now that she's older. She will laugh if I laugh--even at nothing, although it's not a full belly laugh, I can at least get her giggling. She'll smile when smiled at, and will now even initiate the smile.
In the end, despite the things that I didn't think would happen that are negative, I've found things I didn't think would happen that are positive. I didn't think I'd have a baby so pretty that strangers stop us everywhere we go, and other parents have straight out said is the cutest/prettiest baby they've ever seen (sometimes even while holding their own kid--awwwkkwwaaaard). I didn't think I'd have a baby who so obviously seems to understand many words already. She is showing a great aptitude for understanding words we use, and possibly even whole sentences. It's been bizarre, the past 2 months, seeing her go from knowing her name to following directions like "Don't GRAB the kitties--pat them, like I'm doing. Open hand, pat" and "Grab your feet!" This from the same girl who doesn't babble.
Well. Those are my thoughts right now. There are more, but I'm done for the moment. All chatted out. I wish I'd been able to talk about these things with someone, but this is good enough for now.