Don't Give Up! Keep Trying!
This is a follow-up post to my previous post. It will also contain the word "vagina" and details about sex. If you do not want to read, please skip.
As I wrote about in my last post about vaginas post-childbirth, I am not special. The problems I experience are not unique to me, and are, in fact, pretty common. And I'd looked for solutions from "experts" like doctors and all that addressing these problems. They all said the same few things:
1. Take more time for foreplay. As if having a baby means that I have loads of free time on my hands. These are obviously the same people who just recommend that we should just get a babysitter all the time so we can go out without our baby and do "date nights" and all that. After all, if there's one thing I want to do, it's hand over my baby to a near-stranger. That'll be relaxing, I'm sure. Apparently, I should hire a babysitter every time I want to have sex, too.
2. LUBE! This one makes me roll my eyes at this point. Yes, I understand that this is to address the issue of vaginal dryness, and the simple fact that things will just not be producing like they were before breastfeeding. I get that. But, the fact that most lubricants end up fading in under 5 minutes, leaving me open for tearing, pain, and bleeding really fails. We tried both water and silicone based, and neither worked very long. Constantly stopping to reapply was preventing absolutely anything from going anywhere. The solution offered by these folks? Well, none really: JUST USE MORE! REAPPLY! MORE! MORE! POUR THE BOTTLE ALL OVER YOUR BODY!
3. Do other things instead. Look, I'm all for being very all-inclusive in the concept of "sex." But, one of the things that does get missed in certain other forms of intimacy is how much less intimate they can seem. Even though it's better than nothing, cuddling while I vibrate to good times just isn't the same. A blow job isn't the same. And while every once in awhile these things work, and we've never hesitated to add them to our boudoir routines, if you're going to only do one thing in a month, would you really choose one of those options? Heck, we didn't mind having the odd week where we only could do a sexy cuddle...but if that's all you're getting for that month, trust me, it's not sufficient, not when the Possibility For More is dangling over your head.
4. Did we mention TAKE FOREVER?!? CAUSE JUST GO AND GO AND GO! This started to make me want to punch my screen. If I tell you, my problem is that sex for longer than 3 minutes hurts, and is really uncomfortable, and it's hard to orgasm if we have to just keep stopping to make it so I don't end up bleeding everywhere afterwards, your answer should not be: JUST DO IT LONGER!
So, I figured the case was closed. There wasn't anything else they suggested that worked. And I found myself vaguely insulted on several occasions when the writers insinuated that I would have a better time getting aroused if my husband did more chores and helped more with the baby. First off, Brian has made some leaps and bounds in getting involved and helping to take the load off me. We had several big, very important, semi-tear filled discussions about how no matter how much he thought he was doing, it wasn't enough. So, we figured out how he could do more, help more, and then he came up with a few on his own, too. Now? I feel much more balanced, much less stressed and pressured, and our relationship has been significantly more positive. But, it hasn't made me get aroused faster/better/like-I-never-had-a-baby. I'm sorry I seem to be of the crowd that doesn't find a man changing diapers and singing lullabies particularly deserving of wet panties.
Then, I had an epiphany last night.
First off, I had a headache. One of those headaches that you can tell is totally just a stress related thing, and medication is only going to help so much. I have been avoiding taking medication like they're Plague Pills, mostly because it all passes through the breastmilk. I have taken Tylenol twice, however, from headaches just too severe to power through. This one was getting there. I was sitting at my computer, finishing up my e-mail to my mom, with my eyeballs pounding in tune with my heart, and I thought to myself how I'd read about how orgasms can cure headaches. Then I huffed, and shook my head, because I knew from experience/trying that a vibrator orgasm doesn't do jack for headaches. And that was all I was likely to get.
Right?
Except, I thought, as I pondered this dilemma, that would mean that it's probable that it wouldn't work for other women, too. And maybe, just maybe, if these problems are as common as they say they are...then, somewhere out there, someone will have had a frank discussion about it. Online. Probably under anonymous.
So, I started looking. I searched various key words and scrolled through literally dozens of conversations. Plenty weren't helpful. But, I started to see several odd things pop up as solutions tried by Anonymous. The first time I read a few of them, I rolled my eyes, but by the 4th or 5th time someone mentioned it, I was paying attention. They weren't even on the same site or thread.
You see, I learned a few things about the human body when I was preparing for labor and delivery. I learned that there is a very bizarre connection between the jaw and the vagina, for instance. They've proven that when a woman clenches her jar, her vagina clenches as well--even if she tries to relax it! By relaxing her jaw, and keeping it loose, her cervix and vaginal cavity loosen and open more easily. We tried to help keep my from clenching last time, and it didn't work.
But, some women tried something else in that same vein that helped significantly. In a word: sucking. Most women say that sucking on their husband's shoulder/neck/finger/etc made the big difference in tearing or not. Another woman keeps a stash of suckers in her nightstand and sucks on one during sex.
Then, the vast majority of these women who talked about these things said that it was practically essential that the woman is on top. Why? The SAME REASON why giving birth laying down isn't recommended--it puts pressure on the perineum. That's why so many women tear. Being in a position where the pressure is closer to the top of the vagina can prevent tearing. So, missionary is OUT until things change again down there.
Several, but not all, of these women also reported that they had to self-stimulate WHILE having sex. A lot of these women whose words I read talked about how they never used to need to do it--but things changed so much post-birth, that they found that could never find that "sweet spot" where things rub just right during penetrative sex to stimulate an orgasm. Simply adding a finger into that spot, from a position on top, made the big difference between trying to get somewhere for 45 minutes, or actually getting somewhere in under 20.
Finally, a lot of these same women said that foreplay was usually limited to just kissing and light petting, because too much usually guaranteed an interruption from baby. In fact, a couple said that they usually started this foreplay when they got home, just kissing deeply every time they pass each other, or when they go by each other, to get it started before actually getting to the bedroom.
And guess what? I followed pretty much every single one of these things...and it went fabulous. When I say fabulous, I mean FABULOUS. It was just like old times! Brian said that it made him feel happily nostalgic, because it reminded him of the days in college when we just spent entire days in bed. Not only did I not tear, but there was ZERO pain during and after. We both finished happily, and had a good time, and it only "cost" us 30 minutes start to finish. 5 minutes after we finished, Freya stirred a bit, but Brian got her to go back to sleep again quickly.
It's given us totally renewed hope. We still can't do it as often as before--too many other things depend on us doing chores at the end of the night--but, we have at least the hope of going for once a week, maybe trying for twice. It will mean that we won't have tons of variety, and next time we have to make sure we put a towel down for my breasts (when I orgasmed, I literally sprayed milk everywhere and the bed was still damp 1.5 hours later when we went to bed to sleep...oops). I think we'd both prefer not a lot of variety, and Brian sporting a hickey somewhere on his body (shoulder--not neck), and have a good, positive time rather than frustration and unhappiness.
Also, that headache? Totally gone. And it hasn't come back. <3
As I wrote about in my last post about vaginas post-childbirth, I am not special. The problems I experience are not unique to me, and are, in fact, pretty common. And I'd looked for solutions from "experts" like doctors and all that addressing these problems. They all said the same few things:
1. Take more time for foreplay. As if having a baby means that I have loads of free time on my hands. These are obviously the same people who just recommend that we should just get a babysitter all the time so we can go out without our baby and do "date nights" and all that. After all, if there's one thing I want to do, it's hand over my baby to a near-stranger. That'll be relaxing, I'm sure. Apparently, I should hire a babysitter every time I want to have sex, too.
2. LUBE! This one makes me roll my eyes at this point. Yes, I understand that this is to address the issue of vaginal dryness, and the simple fact that things will just not be producing like they were before breastfeeding. I get that. But, the fact that most lubricants end up fading in under 5 minutes, leaving me open for tearing, pain, and bleeding really fails. We tried both water and silicone based, and neither worked very long. Constantly stopping to reapply was preventing absolutely anything from going anywhere. The solution offered by these folks? Well, none really: JUST USE MORE! REAPPLY! MORE! MORE! POUR THE BOTTLE ALL OVER YOUR BODY!
3. Do other things instead. Look, I'm all for being very all-inclusive in the concept of "sex." But, one of the things that does get missed in certain other forms of intimacy is how much less intimate they can seem. Even though it's better than nothing, cuddling while I vibrate to good times just isn't the same. A blow job isn't the same. And while every once in awhile these things work, and we've never hesitated to add them to our boudoir routines, if you're going to only do one thing in a month, would you really choose one of those options? Heck, we didn't mind having the odd week where we only could do a sexy cuddle...but if that's all you're getting for that month, trust me, it's not sufficient, not when the Possibility For More is dangling over your head.
4. Did we mention TAKE FOREVER?!? CAUSE JUST GO AND GO AND GO! This started to make me want to punch my screen. If I tell you, my problem is that sex for longer than 3 minutes hurts, and is really uncomfortable, and it's hard to orgasm if we have to just keep stopping to make it so I don't end up bleeding everywhere afterwards, your answer should not be: JUST DO IT LONGER!
So, I figured the case was closed. There wasn't anything else they suggested that worked. And I found myself vaguely insulted on several occasions when the writers insinuated that I would have a better time getting aroused if my husband did more chores and helped more with the baby. First off, Brian has made some leaps and bounds in getting involved and helping to take the load off me. We had several big, very important, semi-tear filled discussions about how no matter how much he thought he was doing, it wasn't enough. So, we figured out how he could do more, help more, and then he came up with a few on his own, too. Now? I feel much more balanced, much less stressed and pressured, and our relationship has been significantly more positive. But, it hasn't made me get aroused faster/better/like-I-never-had-a-baby. I'm sorry I seem to be of the crowd that doesn't find a man changing diapers and singing lullabies particularly deserving of wet panties.
Then, I had an epiphany last night.
First off, I had a headache. One of those headaches that you can tell is totally just a stress related thing, and medication is only going to help so much. I have been avoiding taking medication like they're Plague Pills, mostly because it all passes through the breastmilk. I have taken Tylenol twice, however, from headaches just too severe to power through. This one was getting there. I was sitting at my computer, finishing up my e-mail to my mom, with my eyeballs pounding in tune with my heart, and I thought to myself how I'd read about how orgasms can cure headaches. Then I huffed, and shook my head, because I knew from experience/trying that a vibrator orgasm doesn't do jack for headaches. And that was all I was likely to get.
Right?
Except, I thought, as I pondered this dilemma, that would mean that it's probable that it wouldn't work for other women, too. And maybe, just maybe, if these problems are as common as they say they are...then, somewhere out there, someone will have had a frank discussion about it. Online. Probably under anonymous.
So, I started looking. I searched various key words and scrolled through literally dozens of conversations. Plenty weren't helpful. But, I started to see several odd things pop up as solutions tried by Anonymous. The first time I read a few of them, I rolled my eyes, but by the 4th or 5th time someone mentioned it, I was paying attention. They weren't even on the same site or thread.
You see, I learned a few things about the human body when I was preparing for labor and delivery. I learned that there is a very bizarre connection between the jaw and the vagina, for instance. They've proven that when a woman clenches her jar, her vagina clenches as well--even if she tries to relax it! By relaxing her jaw, and keeping it loose, her cervix and vaginal cavity loosen and open more easily. We tried to help keep my from clenching last time, and it didn't work.
But, some women tried something else in that same vein that helped significantly. In a word: sucking. Most women say that sucking on their husband's shoulder/neck/finger/etc made the big difference in tearing or not. Another woman keeps a stash of suckers in her nightstand and sucks on one during sex.
Then, the vast majority of these women who talked about these things said that it was practically essential that the woman is on top. Why? The SAME REASON why giving birth laying down isn't recommended--it puts pressure on the perineum. That's why so many women tear. Being in a position where the pressure is closer to the top of the vagina can prevent tearing. So, missionary is OUT until things change again down there.
Several, but not all, of these women also reported that they had to self-stimulate WHILE having sex. A lot of these women whose words I read talked about how they never used to need to do it--but things changed so much post-birth, that they found that could never find that "sweet spot" where things rub just right during penetrative sex to stimulate an orgasm. Simply adding a finger into that spot, from a position on top, made the big difference between trying to get somewhere for 45 minutes, or actually getting somewhere in under 20.
Finally, a lot of these same women said that foreplay was usually limited to just kissing and light petting, because too much usually guaranteed an interruption from baby. In fact, a couple said that they usually started this foreplay when they got home, just kissing deeply every time they pass each other, or when they go by each other, to get it started before actually getting to the bedroom.
And guess what? I followed pretty much every single one of these things...and it went fabulous. When I say fabulous, I mean FABULOUS. It was just like old times! Brian said that it made him feel happily nostalgic, because it reminded him of the days in college when we just spent entire days in bed. Not only did I not tear, but there was ZERO pain during and after. We both finished happily, and had a good time, and it only "cost" us 30 minutes start to finish. 5 minutes after we finished, Freya stirred a bit, but Brian got her to go back to sleep again quickly.
It's given us totally renewed hope. We still can't do it as often as before--too many other things depend on us doing chores at the end of the night--but, we have at least the hope of going for once a week, maybe trying for twice. It will mean that we won't have tons of variety, and next time we have to make sure we put a towel down for my breasts (when I orgasmed, I literally sprayed milk everywhere and the bed was still damp 1.5 hours later when we went to bed to sleep...oops). I think we'd both prefer not a lot of variety, and Brian sporting a hickey somewhere on his body (shoulder--not neck), and have a good, positive time rather than frustration and unhappiness.
Also, that headache? Totally gone. And it hasn't come back. <3