On Vaginas and Birth
For those of you who have no interest in hearing detailed information about vaginas (and mine in particular), I advise you skip this entry. It's part rant, part informative post. The information may or may not be useful for future moms, but honestly...sometimes you're ready to read about vaginas, and other times, you're not.
what started this post was actually reading a similar post about vaginas. Namely, about a woman who electively C-sectioned for 3 out of 4 of her babies because she didn't want to experience the "indignities" of vaginal birth, and because she didn't want her lady bits "all stretched out and gross." I learned something about myself reading that post: I am Judgey McJudgerston when it comes to women choosing C-sections for those two, rather specific reasons (the third is when they do it to control the timing of the birthday of the baby...because that is bull-fucking-shit). I was a little surprised at it, but not hugely. After all, this Mommy-ing thing is a judgment filled, hateful, mean-spirited affair far more often than it is a bonding, happy experience. I could fill this post with the kinds of shit I have had to wade through from other moms online, but that's another post.
This post is about this rather bizarre misconception about vaginal childbirth (I specify "vaginal birth" because not every vaginal birth is "natural" or even "unmedicated" and what I'm talking about more than anything is the fact that the baby passes through the birth canal (aka VAGINA...funny how it gets that name when it's being used by a baby), rather than surgically removed).
Firstly, I cannot do anything about women who believe, bizarrely, that having bowel movements in front of people (inevitably they talk about doing it in front of "strangers" because of all the nurses they'd never met...I had one "stranger" at my birth by chance because my midwife Laura couldn't be there, but the REAL people there were all people who I knew very well, and had ALREADY SEEN ME NAKED several times by then--so there) is somehow undignified. But having a stranger thread a catheter up their urethra, changing out their urine bags, and helping them to the toilet and/or changing their bedpans (all which happen post C-sections) is somehow dignified. This logic is just too Insane Troll Logic for me to get into, and is a strange cultural thing I just cannot grasp. Look, if you're doing it right, you're going to poo. Everywhere. If you've EVER noticed that on your period, when you poo, more blood comes out, you've realized that you cannot separate the two. If you try to push out through your vagina when the time comes, you're going to be pushing for a long, long, long time.
In fact, if you have one, try it right now. Try to push out through your vagina while keeping your sphincter tight. You can't really do it. And if you can't do it now, you will not (I can attest) magically know how to do it in labor. It will all come out. You will basically poo your baby out. If you can't handle that, then get used to the idea of someone shoving a rubber tube up your pee-hole as an alternative. Also know that you may still poo yourself during labor anyway. Just, fyi.
The second part, however, is something I can better address. People seem to think that because a baby is significantly bigger than a penis, even a scary, scary black-man porn penis of epic proportions, that it must stretch out a vagina. Permanently. Where this myth came from, I don't even know. I wonder if it happened in one, rare case and the man just started freaking out and telling everyone with ears. Because, honestly, if it really was so terrible that women just became huge caverns post-birth, the human race would have died out. Women several million years ago had to basically get pregnant 10 times to have maybe 6 live births, in order to have maybe 4 babies survive infancy, in order to have about 2-3 live to adulthood. If men weren't willing to knock 'em up, that wouldn't have happened.
Plus, this blantantly ignores the fact that a woman's body KNOWS it's giving birth. It's why EVERYTHING changes from the norm. Your cervix goes from .5" to TEN FUCKING INCHES. You think that happens just any ol' day? No! It's a birth thing. You think nothing else is getting told to move-the-fuck-outta-the-way-baby-coming-through-aaaaaahhhh? Your vaginal walls change and move to help push the baby out, a little bit like your esophagus works to move food down even when you're hanging upside down. It's not as strong, but then again, it's main job in life isn't pushing (like the throat).
Then, things heal up after birth. Your hormones change. Your joints go back to normal, and all that.
Now, here's the thing that most people don't tell you...after a vaginal birth, given no extreme tearing....your vagina will change. Oh, yes, it will. Most likely it will be TIGHTER. Yes. You read this correctly. Tighter.
You'd think this would be awesome. It does, in fact, suck. Let's say your husband was the perfect size for you. Now, all of a sudden, you don't fit together the same way anymore. When I say that we've attempted sex 8 times (yes...8 times in 6 months--if you're planning on children, HAVE SEX. STORE UP. THIS IS NOT A MYTH.), and have only had two successfull completions. Not like, oh, I had an orgasm (although, that did happen), but that ANYONE DID. The other 6 times, I've had to call it off because it was getting very painful and I was tearing. I've had minimal tearing each time, even twice bleeding slightly.
Because added to this new, tighter you, if you're breastfeeding, is that you will be drier than the goddamn Sahara desert. You will make the Gobi desert look like one of those underwater forests, for craps sake. This is something that you will have to figure out for yourself. We still haven't found a good lubricant that doesn't make my vagina itchy afterwards and worked well enough to keep things smooth. It blows. Seriously hard because I will be maintaining this level of breastfeeding for ANOTHER 6 MONTHS, and still breastfeeding for another TWO YEARS MINIMUM. Oh god.
But, for you folks who have ever once considered a C-section to "save the lady parts," I tell you now--you don't need to. They will likely to be different, afterwards. And depending on how much you worked on strengthening your pelvic floor (there are other exercises than just Kegels, by the way), you will likely find that you're tighter than you were before you passed an 11" skull through that space. This will mean that sex will be different. You will need to go slow, and you might discover that you have to make some adjustments in your prep. However, the dryness? That's as long as you're breastfeeding. And, oh god, if you choose to formula feed based on this...I swear to god, I will judge you so hard, your ancestors will feel it.
what started this post was actually reading a similar post about vaginas. Namely, about a woman who electively C-sectioned for 3 out of 4 of her babies because she didn't want to experience the "indignities" of vaginal birth, and because she didn't want her lady bits "all stretched out and gross." I learned something about myself reading that post: I am Judgey McJudgerston when it comes to women choosing C-sections for those two, rather specific reasons (the third is when they do it to control the timing of the birthday of the baby...because that is bull-fucking-shit). I was a little surprised at it, but not hugely. After all, this Mommy-ing thing is a judgment filled, hateful, mean-spirited affair far more often than it is a bonding, happy experience. I could fill this post with the kinds of shit I have had to wade through from other moms online, but that's another post.
This post is about this rather bizarre misconception about vaginal childbirth (I specify "vaginal birth" because not every vaginal birth is "natural" or even "unmedicated" and what I'm talking about more than anything is the fact that the baby passes through the birth canal (aka VAGINA...funny how it gets that name when it's being used by a baby), rather than surgically removed).
Firstly, I cannot do anything about women who believe, bizarrely, that having bowel movements in front of people (inevitably they talk about doing it in front of "strangers" because of all the nurses they'd never met...I had one "stranger" at my birth by chance because my midwife Laura couldn't be there, but the REAL people there were all people who I knew very well, and had ALREADY SEEN ME NAKED several times by then--so there) is somehow undignified. But having a stranger thread a catheter up their urethra, changing out their urine bags, and helping them to the toilet and/or changing their bedpans (all which happen post C-sections) is somehow dignified. This logic is just too Insane Troll Logic for me to get into, and is a strange cultural thing I just cannot grasp. Look, if you're doing it right, you're going to poo. Everywhere. If you've EVER noticed that on your period, when you poo, more blood comes out, you've realized that you cannot separate the two. If you try to push out through your vagina when the time comes, you're going to be pushing for a long, long, long time.
In fact, if you have one, try it right now. Try to push out through your vagina while keeping your sphincter tight. You can't really do it. And if you can't do it now, you will not (I can attest) magically know how to do it in labor. It will all come out. You will basically poo your baby out. If you can't handle that, then get used to the idea of someone shoving a rubber tube up your pee-hole as an alternative. Also know that you may still poo yourself during labor anyway. Just, fyi.
The second part, however, is something I can better address. People seem to think that because a baby is significantly bigger than a penis, even a scary, scary black-man porn penis of epic proportions, that it must stretch out a vagina. Permanently. Where this myth came from, I don't even know. I wonder if it happened in one, rare case and the man just started freaking out and telling everyone with ears. Because, honestly, if it really was so terrible that women just became huge caverns post-birth, the human race would have died out. Women several million years ago had to basically get pregnant 10 times to have maybe 6 live births, in order to have maybe 4 babies survive infancy, in order to have about 2-3 live to adulthood. If men weren't willing to knock 'em up, that wouldn't have happened.
Plus, this blantantly ignores the fact that a woman's body KNOWS it's giving birth. It's why EVERYTHING changes from the norm. Your cervix goes from .5" to TEN FUCKING INCHES. You think that happens just any ol' day? No! It's a birth thing. You think nothing else is getting told to move-the-fuck-outta-the-way-baby-coming-through-aaaaaahhhh? Your vaginal walls change and move to help push the baby out, a little bit like your esophagus works to move food down even when you're hanging upside down. It's not as strong, but then again, it's main job in life isn't pushing (like the throat).
Then, things heal up after birth. Your hormones change. Your joints go back to normal, and all that.
Now, here's the thing that most people don't tell you...after a vaginal birth, given no extreme tearing....your vagina will change. Oh, yes, it will. Most likely it will be TIGHTER. Yes. You read this correctly. Tighter.
You'd think this would be awesome. It does, in fact, suck. Let's say your husband was the perfect size for you. Now, all of a sudden, you don't fit together the same way anymore. When I say that we've attempted sex 8 times (yes...8 times in 6 months--if you're planning on children, HAVE SEX. STORE UP. THIS IS NOT A MYTH.), and have only had two successfull completions. Not like, oh, I had an orgasm (although, that did happen), but that ANYONE DID. The other 6 times, I've had to call it off because it was getting very painful and I was tearing. I've had minimal tearing each time, even twice bleeding slightly.
Because added to this new, tighter you, if you're breastfeeding, is that you will be drier than the goddamn Sahara desert. You will make the Gobi desert look like one of those underwater forests, for craps sake. This is something that you will have to figure out for yourself. We still haven't found a good lubricant that doesn't make my vagina itchy afterwards and worked well enough to keep things smooth. It blows. Seriously hard because I will be maintaining this level of breastfeeding for ANOTHER 6 MONTHS, and still breastfeeding for another TWO YEARS MINIMUM. Oh god.
But, for you folks who have ever once considered a C-section to "save the lady parts," I tell you now--you don't need to. They will likely to be different, afterwards. And depending on how much you worked on strengthening your pelvic floor (there are other exercises than just Kegels, by the way), you will likely find that you're tighter than you were before you passed an 11" skull through that space. This will mean that sex will be different. You will need to go slow, and you might discover that you have to make some adjustments in your prep. However, the dryness? That's as long as you're breastfeeding. And, oh god, if you choose to formula feed based on this...I swear to god, I will judge you so hard, your ancestors will feel it.