Like A Dream You Try To Remember But It's Gone
Oh sigh. I'm in one of those odd, "I'm in a good mood, and happy, but dissatisfied at the same time" moods. I feel that lately, the happier I've become, the farther away my friends are. When things were bad, and I could do little more than complain/bitch/moan, I'd get people commenting, or texting, or calling...but, now that I'm happy, and things are going well, or I'm finding positive things from even the setbacks I've experienced lately...I don't get people asking how I am. And I find that more often than not, every conversation I have with someone, it turns to how things are bad for them, which becomes a one-sided rant, and then becomes a Therapy Session...and I hang up and realize, "Oh, I didn't get to talk about what I've been doing lately...or what I've been listening to, or what I've been reading, or what I've been thinking...T.T"
And this isn't the sort of entry that is meant to really do much more than record for myself that it's happened again--I feel isolated from people. I feel like if I don't shove what I'm doing in people's faces, they won't listen to me. See, I understand...I understand that sometimes, friends are the only glue that holds the pieces together, and sometimes it's more important to be there for a friend in need, to listen to their problems only, and put your issues on the backburner. But, can it keep happening all the time? Where do the lines need to be drawn? When is it no longer okay to only have friends who will be around if they need you, but you can't talk to about your own life?
I mean, I haven't been able to really feel like I can talk about things with Brian because they're all GOOD things. It seems like if they were bad things, I'd find an audience, but...I can't relate, "Haha, I think it's so funny when Brian says something, and I turn it (jokingly) into some way of insulting me, and he says, 'You have a way with my words. XD'" or gush, "Brian's the kind of guy who would do anything for me, but who doesn't do everything for me." I can't just have a Flower Conversation with someone, and giggle about all the great flowers that are coming out in this spring here, or how it feels like we live in a Fairy Tale Wood, but will all the conveniences of modern times. Y'know, text someone about the flowers and trees, and have them send me one, and then I'll send them one...like a contest! =D
And maybe it's because I haven't asked, or put it out there, but I wonder if I should have to. Shouldn't it just be a natural thing that my friends would want to have these types of conversations with me? Talk to me about things that aren't negative? Have I become the kind of friend that you only call when something is wrong? I think I have friends who read the same books I do, or listen to the same music...can't someone call me up when they read a great book? Or when they've been listening to the same songs over and over, and think that it describes life really great right now? Why do I feel like I'm the only person in this kind of mind set right now? Am I the only one who thinks that conversations can be about simple, fun things?
Perhaps it's because I'm living where I want to live, enjoying the life that I've made for myself. I'm still poor...don't have a dining room table, don't have frames for posters, only have 4 plates per person, 2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 knives, etc...most of what we have just accentuates what's missing. But, life is good. I'm with someone who makes life seem more positive, more fun, more worth living. I've been listening to Barenaked Ladies' song "Pinch Me" and Live's "I Alone" and Vertical Horizon's latest CD a lot. I've been reading the manga "Special A" which is funny and fun--like Ouran High School Host Club's cousin, or even just close friend. The flowers on the tree outside our window are SO CUTE--all white and small, like cherry blossoms, but there are also green green green leaves next to them, so it looks really nice. And we're going to do the Local Grown Produce thing, which will be awesome. And I'll be getting more contacts soon--I've had to wear my glasses a lot lately to conserve them. I've really been enjoying playing Disgaea: Hour of Darkness, and watching Brian play Shadow Hearts. I just found out that I had 10,000 points on my credit card, so I "bought" a $50 gift card to Kohls and a $50 giftcard to Amazon.com with them! That's $100 of money that we can use to spend on things that we've been wanting, instead of just the things we need! =D
*sigh* It's a sad time when you write most of the conversations you want to be having in your own journal. At least I have letters that I exchange with people. Maybe that's another reason why I like to write them? There, at least, I can have conversations I want to have about happy things, because you can just talk about yourself, since that's what a letter is.
In other news--I'm going to warm up my thighs, which are frozen from walking, and drink my hot chocolate. Hah. My legs are so chafed, they were freezing when I first came in, now that they've warmed up, they're too hot. And red. Very red. Ah well. I got exercise! Yay! =D
And this isn't the sort of entry that is meant to really do much more than record for myself that it's happened again--I feel isolated from people. I feel like if I don't shove what I'm doing in people's faces, they won't listen to me. See, I understand...I understand that sometimes, friends are the only glue that holds the pieces together, and sometimes it's more important to be there for a friend in need, to listen to their problems only, and put your issues on the backburner. But, can it keep happening all the time? Where do the lines need to be drawn? When is it no longer okay to only have friends who will be around if they need you, but you can't talk to about your own life?
I mean, I haven't been able to really feel like I can talk about things with Brian because they're all GOOD things. It seems like if they were bad things, I'd find an audience, but...I can't relate, "Haha, I think it's so funny when Brian says something, and I turn it (jokingly) into some way of insulting me, and he says, 'You have a way with my words. XD'" or gush, "Brian's the kind of guy who would do anything for me, but who doesn't do everything for me." I can't just have a Flower Conversation with someone, and giggle about all the great flowers that are coming out in this spring here, or how it feels like we live in a Fairy Tale Wood, but will all the conveniences of modern times. Y'know, text someone about the flowers and trees, and have them send me one, and then I'll send them one...like a contest! =D
And maybe it's because I haven't asked, or put it out there, but I wonder if I should have to. Shouldn't it just be a natural thing that my friends would want to have these types of conversations with me? Talk to me about things that aren't negative? Have I become the kind of friend that you only call when something is wrong? I think I have friends who read the same books I do, or listen to the same music...can't someone call me up when they read a great book? Or when they've been listening to the same songs over and over, and think that it describes life really great right now? Why do I feel like I'm the only person in this kind of mind set right now? Am I the only one who thinks that conversations can be about simple, fun things?
Perhaps it's because I'm living where I want to live, enjoying the life that I've made for myself. I'm still poor...don't have a dining room table, don't have frames for posters, only have 4 plates per person, 2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 knives, etc...most of what we have just accentuates what's missing. But, life is good. I'm with someone who makes life seem more positive, more fun, more worth living. I've been listening to Barenaked Ladies' song "Pinch Me" and Live's "I Alone" and Vertical Horizon's latest CD a lot. I've been reading the manga "Special A" which is funny and fun--like Ouran High School Host Club's cousin, or even just close friend. The flowers on the tree outside our window are SO CUTE--all white and small, like cherry blossoms, but there are also green green green leaves next to them, so it looks really nice. And we're going to do the Local Grown Produce thing, which will be awesome. And I'll be getting more contacts soon--I've had to wear my glasses a lot lately to conserve them. I've really been enjoying playing Disgaea: Hour of Darkness, and watching Brian play Shadow Hearts. I just found out that I had 10,000 points on my credit card, so I "bought" a $50 gift card to Kohls and a $50 giftcard to Amazon.com with them! That's $100 of money that we can use to spend on things that we've been wanting, instead of just the things we need! =D
*sigh* It's a sad time when you write most of the conversations you want to be having in your own journal. At least I have letters that I exchange with people. Maybe that's another reason why I like to write them? There, at least, I can have conversations I want to have about happy things, because you can just talk about yourself, since that's what a letter is.
In other news--I'm going to warm up my thighs, which are frozen from walking, and drink my hot chocolate. Hah. My legs are so chafed, they were freezing when I first came in, now that they've warmed up, they're too hot. And red. Very red. Ah well. I got exercise! Yay! =D