I Feel Fine
Title: I Feel Fine
Author: roxierose13 (me)
Rating: R
Pairing: Bobby/John (xmen)
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel comics and affiliates. I make no profits.
Summary: Bobby wonders why John pushes him away when there's nothing standing in his way.
Complete: Yes
A/N: I just felt like posting something X-Men related today. I watched the 3rd movie again today. How could I resist?
*
The closer that I get to feeling, the further that I'm feeling from alright.
"You do Mr. Summers’ report yet?"
Bobby didn't say anything for a second. He lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling and watching as the sun's rays danced across it. Outside, the sun was setting slowly, sinking beyond the horizon and casting the sky afire with reds and golds. Inside the room, everything looked a dusky warm yellow color. It felt comfortable, even though it was far from comfortable.
“No,” he said finally, keeping his eyes on the slanted light on the ceiling.
He felt the bed shifting and glanced over to see John sitting up and turning away from him.
John sighed but said nothing. He looked out the window to the golden lit fountain that was just visible to the left of the frame. His eyes traveled back inside and over his messy desk near the window. It was covered with half-written essays, and scorch marks littered the surface.
Without looking at Bobby, he pushed himself up, grabbing a towel and heading for the adjoining bathroom.
Bobby watched him go with something akin to confusion in his eyes. He knew he shouldn’t feel like that, but he couldn’t help himself sometimes. He liked John, but he could never tell what John thought.
He hesitated for a second, listening to the sound of the shower turning on. After a minute of consideration, he rolled off the bed, standing up and following John’s path to the shower.
John had his eyes closed as he stood motionless under the hot stream of water. He tried not to think about what he was doing with Bobby. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it. It was that he did. Too much. He looked forward to being alone with him, playfully pushing him on the bed, then proceeding to fuck the living daylights out of him.
He shook his head and reached for the soap, only to find his way obstructed by a very solid body. His eyes shot open and he found himself looking at a sheepish-looking Bobby.
Bobby held out the soap with a half-apologetic smile on his face. John didn’t know what to do, so he didn’t take the soap. Bobby hesitated, then reached up, and started to wash John himself.
John was surprised to find Bobby in the shower with him. Usually, Bobby would wait to clean himself up.
Bobby was tentative as his hands slid over John’s chest. The soap was merely an excuse to touch him. He loved John’s body, how strong it always seemed, even though it was small. His eyes drifted to John’s hands that were resting by his side. He liked his hands too. His hands were his weapon, in every sense of the word.
They could make Bobby scream, beg, plead, gasp for more whenever they wanted. They could make him feel so good, or so bad. Bobby shook his head, trying to focus as he slid the bar of soap down John’s torso, his fingers trailing over the edge, tracing John’s muscles.
He’d always been surprised how well-built John was, considering he didn’t work out much. He loved the way John felt when he was pressed against him some nights. He always felt so warm and solid. He shivered at the thought.
John was watching as the hot water pelted down on Bobby’s shoulders, turning into vapor as it hit. He always marveled at how cold Bobby could be, and yet he always felt so hot when he was kissing him, his tongue sliding into his mouth.
John felt the soap slip in Bobby’s hand and he reached down to steady it. Bobby looked up at him and their eyes locked.
In a second, Bobby was pushed up against the cold tile wall of the shower. The soap had slipped from his hand and fallen with a small clunk to the floor. His hands instead were on John’s back and neck, holding him close as John kissed him.
John’s mouth was on Bobby’s faster than he cared to notice. His tongue had pushed its way into Bobby’s mouth and he was once again surprised how Bobby’s mouth could be so hot when the rest of him was so cold.
Bobby’s broken gasp was lost in John’s mouth as John reached down and grabbed Bobby’s thigh, hoisting him up with surprising strength. Bobby’s legs immediately wrapped around John’s waist, pulling him closer.
Bobby moaned into John’s mouth as his lips slid over John’s. He bit down on John’s lower lip, receiving a slight hiss of pain in return. He licked the spot soothingly before sucking on the plump flesh.
His hand was on John’s neck, slowly sliding into his hair. He broke the kiss suddenly with a loud groan as he felt John’s erection sliding against his, an explosion of heat, much more heat than he was used to. Expletives were streaming through his mind, but he said none of them. Instead, he settled for gasping John’s name before his mouth was covered again by John’s skilled tongue.
John’s grip on Bobby’s thigh was slipping but he pulled him back up, rubbing their cocks together harshly. He heard Bobby give a high pitched moan, and it sent shivers through his body. He didn’t know why he was doing this again. He should know better.
That didn’t stop him from abandoning Bobby’s mouth with a nip and moving to suck on his neck just above his shoulder. He could feel the hot water of the shower raining down on his back and it made it difficult to keep Bobby up.
Bobby’s legs tightened around John’s waist, pulling him closer and clashing their groins together. He groaned again, partly from the friction from their cocks, and partly from John’s mouth that was performing wicked acts on his ear.
His grip tightened in John’s hair and his breathing was quickly becoming less and less steady.
John could hear Bobby’s breath in his ear and his hips moved on their own accord, thrusting his erection into Bobby’s. He wanted to fuck Bobby, but knew he couldn’t because they didn’t have the proper accoutrements. As much as Bobby said he trusted John, John knew he was still wary about sex without protection.
Instead, John had to settle for what he had. He cursed himself for not thinking about this earlier. He made a mental note to put some condoms in the bathroom.
“Fuck, John, please.”
John heard a voice in his ear and his body gave an involuntary shudder. Bobby sounded so innocent and needy in that moment and it was things like this that told John exactly why he did this.
Bobby thrust his hips upward, needing to feel the burning heat of John. His breaths were coming in short gasps and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer.
His eyes had drifted closed and he didn’t know that John was staring at him.
As John looked at Bobby, he felt a clenching feeling in the pit of his stomach. He looked away quickly as Bobby finally opened his eyes, his pretty blue eyes looking for recognition.
Instead, John leaned in and kissed him hard, thrusting his hips in at the same time, his cock sliding against Bobby’s. The water made the friction much easier.
Bobby moaned into the kiss as John’s tongue slid against his own, licking and sucking and biting at his mouth. He loved the way John kissed too. It was always so perfect.
There was a second when Bobby wasn’t sure what was going on. One minute he was kissing John and the next, his nails were clenching around John’s shoulder as he came hard, his body shaking uncontrollably as he did so, covering John’s chest and some of the shower wall.
He looked up, panting hard and caught John’s eyes. They stared at each other for half a second before John leaned forward, his lips brushing lightly against Bobby’s before he buried his face in Bobby’s neck, groaning as he came. Bobby could feel the warm wetness coating his thighs but didn’t care.
He could feel John’s body trembling as John slowly let down his legs. His own legs could barely support himself as he stood under the jet of hot water, washing away the remnants of their activities.
He sighed happily, pushing himself up straight and off the wall. He took a step closer to John, reaching up and running a hand through John’s sodden locks. He smiled softly, slipping in closer and pressing a light kiss to John’s lips.
John kept his head lowered, staring at the ground.
Bobby stepped back, looking confused. “Johnny,” he said, “what’s wrong?”
He kept watching John, wondering what might be wrong. He had never done this before. He took a step closer again. “John?”
John finally looked up, an emotion Bobby rarely saw in his eyes. “I can’t do this, Bobby,” he said seriously, taking a step back from Bobby and towards the shower door.
“Do what?” Bobby asked, feeling confused.
“I can’t… I can’t fucking be what you want!” John exclaimed.
“What do you mean? What-what do I want?” Bobby asked. His eyes were searching John’s as if trying to find an explanation.
John let out a noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan, which did nothing to help Bobby understand. “I jus-I can’t fucking do it.”
“Do what?” Bobby asked again, becoming frustrated with John.
“You just… you want too much!” John said, his eyes looking anywhere but at Bobby.
Bobby was thoroughly confused and it didn’t help that John refused to look at him. “I don’t want anything! I just want you.”
“Well, you can’t have me!”
“John!” Bobby exclaimed, shocked and confused.
John didn’t give him much other chance to respond as he wrenched open the shower door and made for his room. By the time Bobby made it out after him, he was already dressed and grabbing his lighter and jacket off the table.
Bobby opened his mouth to say something, but it was too late as John left, slamming the door behind him. He stared at the closed door, his expression confused and a little hurt. He didn’t understand why John would say that.
He knew their relationship was a little tentative, what with the fact that he and Rogue had just broken up a few weeks ago, but he thought that wouldn’t matter. He’d been fooling around with John for a long time before that, it just hadn’t been serious.
Now that it was getting there, though, John seemed to be pulling away. Bobby didn’t understand it. He couldn’t explain why John had become more distant the closer they seemed to get.
Bobby sighed as he sunk down onto his bed, his head resting in his hands. He opened his eyes as he realized he was still naked and wet. He got up and changed clothes, pulling on some jeans and a tee shirt. As he glanced up, he caught sight of someone sitting on the edge of the fountain.
He moved closer to the window, watching the figure raise a cigarette to his mouth and lower it again. He stood there for a moment, then sat down on his bed, turning to watch the clock, waiting impatiently for the next five minutes to pass.
***
John stormed through the halls of the mansion, ignoring anyone who tried to speak to him. His temper was too high to deal with any idiotic people who took the opportunity to speak to him.
He made it outside with little more than a few singed sleeves and headed for the fountain. He collapsed on the edge of it, glaring into the bottom where stupid optimistic people had been foolish enough to throw coins.
His hand closed around his lighter tightly, feeling the sense of security it gave him. He flicked it open and stole the flame, forming it into a tiny, perfect sphere. He watched the flames tumble over each other as they tried to keep the shape.
Around him, the sun was just dipping below the edge of the Earth and the sky had turned a dusky blue. He extinguished the flame with a flick of his wrist and watched as it vanished in the gathering dusk.
He reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and using his lighter to light one. He was too worked up to bother manipulating the flame into a shape to light it. He just wanted a damn cigarette.
He took a long drag, trying to calm his nerves. He didn’t know what did it. He’d been fooling around with Bobby for a long time now. It had never bothered him before. But before, Bobby had been safely in Rogue’s clutches. There had been no danger of…
But now, now Bobby was… his. The thought gave him a weird sensation in the pit of his stomach, and he didn’t like it. He’d never been in a real relationship. He didn’t know how to deal with someone wanting to touch him without it being a precursor for sex.
He hated to admit that he liked when Bobby would casually rest his hand on his thigh in class, when they were doing assignments. It bothered him that he liked the contact so much. It was only a simple gesture, but it seemed to matter so much more.
He didn’t know how to handle this. He didn’t have any relationships to go by. His own parents had always fought. He didn’t want to end up like that.
Whenever he looked at Bobby, and Bobby would smile at him so sweetly, he got a weird fluttering sensation in his stomach. At first it would feel good but as it went on, he would begin to feel sick. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like that he couldn’t control it even more.
As he sat on the edge of the fountain, he tried to take a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Instead, a choked noise came out. He blinked hard, taking another drag of his cigarette and trying to push away the feeling that was gnawing at his stomach.
He was just thinking about going back inside and getting something to eat, then maybe trying to face Bobby, try to somehow explain his outburst earlier. He always felt bad when he did this, but he never knew what to say. It was his nerves that took over. Somehow every time he got closer to Bobby, he felt the need to shove him away. He always got the feeling that he was going to hurt Bobby. He didn’t want to do that, so he pushed instead.
He stared at the ground, trying to work up the courage to stand up and go in to explain, or try to, to Bobby. He knew Bobby wouldn’t understand, but he didn’t know what to do.
He nearly fell in the fountain when he felt a hand on his own. “Jesus!” he exclaimed, dropping his cigarette and whipping around to see who had snuck up on him.
He was shocked to see Bobby sitting next to him, his eyes fixed on his face. His mouth fell open slightly as he stared at Bobby. “What are you-“ he started to say, but Bobby held up a hand to his mouth.
“John, just stop,” he said seriously. “You know this is the third time you’ve done this?”
“Yes, I-“ John said, feeling guiltier by the second.
“And I know it isn’t because of Rogue, not that you ever felt guilty for that anyway,” Bobby interrupted him. “Every time we get closer, you pull away. Is there something wrong? Something wrong with me?”
Bobby’s tone made John’s stomach slip a few notches. It sounded so lost and questioning. He hated thinking he’d made Bobby question himself.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with you,” he said quickly, turning his lighter over in his hands restlessly and keeping his eyes on it. “There’s just… something wrong with me.”
“No,” Bobby insisted, his hand curling around John’s. It felt cold to John, but he didn’t pull away. “You’re fine. You just need to…” He trailed away, unsure what to say.
John scoffed. “I just need to realize that I can’t love anyone. Love only gets you hurt, so why should I bother opening myself up to something I know could kill me.”
Bobby stared at John for a second. “Do you really think that?” he asked finally. He had always known that St. John hadn’t had the best childhood, but he hadn’t thought that that was what had been affecting their relationship.
John avoided his eyes again, staring at his lighter as he flicked it open and shut. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to get hurt. I can’t hav-I can’t do it.”
“You can’t have what?”
John hesitated and Bobby could see his reluctance. “I can’t have real feelings for you. It’s just so… Every time we’re together, I can feel myself slipping and I don’t want that to happen. Bad things happen when people slip.”
John fell silent after that, trying to ignore Bobby’s piercing gaze that was still on him. He didn’t want to admit that he already did have feelings for the other boy. Every time he felt something more for Bobby, he pushed it away. That same feeling of sickness crept into his stomach every time, like it was a bad thing. He didn’t know how to stop it.
He was surprised as he felt Bobby’s arms wrap around him, pulling him closer to his body. He shivered, not sure if it was Bobby’s body temperature or the feeling that swept through his body at the touch.
He was stiff at first but relaxed into the embrace. His hands came up tentatively to rest on Bobby’s back. He could feel Bobby’s cool breath on his ear.
“Good things happen when people slip too,” Bobby said quietly, nuzzling John’s neck softly. “John, trust me. You won’t hurt me.”
John felt Bobby’s reassuring hand on his lower back, and one on his shoulder. He knew he ought to listen to Bobby. He felt Bobby lift his head from his neck.
Bobby’s hand was moving from John’s shoulder to his neck, his touch soft and caressing. He felt Bobby lean in and his lips brush softly against his.
“John, do you trust me?”
“Yes,” John sighed, his eyes closing as Bobby pressed another light kiss to his lips. He opened them again when he felt Bobby pull back.
Bobby was looking at him, his blue eyes burning intensely as he stared at John. His hand dropped from John’s neck to his waist.
“You can have whatever feelings you want for someone,” he said seriously. “Don’t let your past cloud your present. John,” he whispered, moving in closer, “don’t let go of something you have because of something you know isn’t true.” He looked up into John’s eyes, and John could see the pleading in them. “John, don’t. I don’t want you to.”
Bobby was taken aback as John kissed him suddenly, pushing him back a little. He kissed back hard, hoping he was getting through. He didn’t want to lose John because of something they could fix. He believed that John just needed someone who wouldn’t run out on him, or play with his emotions.
“I won’t, Iceman,” John breathed when they parted. “I won’t.”
Bobby sighed in relief and pulled John back into a hug, holding onto him tightly and snuggling into his neck as the twilight fell around them.
“Good.”
~~**~~
A/N: Lyric is from "Straw Dog" by Something Corporate. I'm in a weird mood tonight, I dunno. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed :) Please review!
Author: roxierose13 (me)
Rating: R
Pairing: Bobby/John (xmen)
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel comics and affiliates. I make no profits.
Summary: Bobby wonders why John pushes him away when there's nothing standing in his way.
Complete: Yes
A/N: I just felt like posting something X-Men related today. I watched the 3rd movie again today. How could I resist?
*
The closer that I get to feeling, the further that I'm feeling from alright.
"You do Mr. Summers’ report yet?"
Bobby didn't say anything for a second. He lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling and watching as the sun's rays danced across it. Outside, the sun was setting slowly, sinking beyond the horizon and casting the sky afire with reds and golds. Inside the room, everything looked a dusky warm yellow color. It felt comfortable, even though it was far from comfortable.
“No,” he said finally, keeping his eyes on the slanted light on the ceiling.
He felt the bed shifting and glanced over to see John sitting up and turning away from him.
John sighed but said nothing. He looked out the window to the golden lit fountain that was just visible to the left of the frame. His eyes traveled back inside and over his messy desk near the window. It was covered with half-written essays, and scorch marks littered the surface.
Without looking at Bobby, he pushed himself up, grabbing a towel and heading for the adjoining bathroom.
Bobby watched him go with something akin to confusion in his eyes. He knew he shouldn’t feel like that, but he couldn’t help himself sometimes. He liked John, but he could never tell what John thought.
He hesitated for a second, listening to the sound of the shower turning on. After a minute of consideration, he rolled off the bed, standing up and following John’s path to the shower.
John had his eyes closed as he stood motionless under the hot stream of water. He tried not to think about what he was doing with Bobby. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it. It was that he did. Too much. He looked forward to being alone with him, playfully pushing him on the bed, then proceeding to fuck the living daylights out of him.
He shook his head and reached for the soap, only to find his way obstructed by a very solid body. His eyes shot open and he found himself looking at a sheepish-looking Bobby.
Bobby held out the soap with a half-apologetic smile on his face. John didn’t know what to do, so he didn’t take the soap. Bobby hesitated, then reached up, and started to wash John himself.
John was surprised to find Bobby in the shower with him. Usually, Bobby would wait to clean himself up.
Bobby was tentative as his hands slid over John’s chest. The soap was merely an excuse to touch him. He loved John’s body, how strong it always seemed, even though it was small. His eyes drifted to John’s hands that were resting by his side. He liked his hands too. His hands were his weapon, in every sense of the word.
They could make Bobby scream, beg, plead, gasp for more whenever they wanted. They could make him feel so good, or so bad. Bobby shook his head, trying to focus as he slid the bar of soap down John’s torso, his fingers trailing over the edge, tracing John’s muscles.
He’d always been surprised how well-built John was, considering he didn’t work out much. He loved the way John felt when he was pressed against him some nights. He always felt so warm and solid. He shivered at the thought.
John was watching as the hot water pelted down on Bobby’s shoulders, turning into vapor as it hit. He always marveled at how cold Bobby could be, and yet he always felt so hot when he was kissing him, his tongue sliding into his mouth.
John felt the soap slip in Bobby’s hand and he reached down to steady it. Bobby looked up at him and their eyes locked.
In a second, Bobby was pushed up against the cold tile wall of the shower. The soap had slipped from his hand and fallen with a small clunk to the floor. His hands instead were on John’s back and neck, holding him close as John kissed him.
John’s mouth was on Bobby’s faster than he cared to notice. His tongue had pushed its way into Bobby’s mouth and he was once again surprised how Bobby’s mouth could be so hot when the rest of him was so cold.
Bobby’s broken gasp was lost in John’s mouth as John reached down and grabbed Bobby’s thigh, hoisting him up with surprising strength. Bobby’s legs immediately wrapped around John’s waist, pulling him closer.
Bobby moaned into John’s mouth as his lips slid over John’s. He bit down on John’s lower lip, receiving a slight hiss of pain in return. He licked the spot soothingly before sucking on the plump flesh.
His hand was on John’s neck, slowly sliding into his hair. He broke the kiss suddenly with a loud groan as he felt John’s erection sliding against his, an explosion of heat, much more heat than he was used to. Expletives were streaming through his mind, but he said none of them. Instead, he settled for gasping John’s name before his mouth was covered again by John’s skilled tongue.
John’s grip on Bobby’s thigh was slipping but he pulled him back up, rubbing their cocks together harshly. He heard Bobby give a high pitched moan, and it sent shivers through his body. He didn’t know why he was doing this again. He should know better.
That didn’t stop him from abandoning Bobby’s mouth with a nip and moving to suck on his neck just above his shoulder. He could feel the hot water of the shower raining down on his back and it made it difficult to keep Bobby up.
Bobby’s legs tightened around John’s waist, pulling him closer and clashing their groins together. He groaned again, partly from the friction from their cocks, and partly from John’s mouth that was performing wicked acts on his ear.
His grip tightened in John’s hair and his breathing was quickly becoming less and less steady.
John could hear Bobby’s breath in his ear and his hips moved on their own accord, thrusting his erection into Bobby’s. He wanted to fuck Bobby, but knew he couldn’t because they didn’t have the proper accoutrements. As much as Bobby said he trusted John, John knew he was still wary about sex without protection.
Instead, John had to settle for what he had. He cursed himself for not thinking about this earlier. He made a mental note to put some condoms in the bathroom.
“Fuck, John, please.”
John heard a voice in his ear and his body gave an involuntary shudder. Bobby sounded so innocent and needy in that moment and it was things like this that told John exactly why he did this.
Bobby thrust his hips upward, needing to feel the burning heat of John. His breaths were coming in short gasps and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer.
His eyes had drifted closed and he didn’t know that John was staring at him.
As John looked at Bobby, he felt a clenching feeling in the pit of his stomach. He looked away quickly as Bobby finally opened his eyes, his pretty blue eyes looking for recognition.
Instead, John leaned in and kissed him hard, thrusting his hips in at the same time, his cock sliding against Bobby’s. The water made the friction much easier.
Bobby moaned into the kiss as John’s tongue slid against his own, licking and sucking and biting at his mouth. He loved the way John kissed too. It was always so perfect.
There was a second when Bobby wasn’t sure what was going on. One minute he was kissing John and the next, his nails were clenching around John’s shoulder as he came hard, his body shaking uncontrollably as he did so, covering John’s chest and some of the shower wall.
He looked up, panting hard and caught John’s eyes. They stared at each other for half a second before John leaned forward, his lips brushing lightly against Bobby’s before he buried his face in Bobby’s neck, groaning as he came. Bobby could feel the warm wetness coating his thighs but didn’t care.
He could feel John’s body trembling as John slowly let down his legs. His own legs could barely support himself as he stood under the jet of hot water, washing away the remnants of their activities.
He sighed happily, pushing himself up straight and off the wall. He took a step closer to John, reaching up and running a hand through John’s sodden locks. He smiled softly, slipping in closer and pressing a light kiss to John’s lips.
John kept his head lowered, staring at the ground.
Bobby stepped back, looking confused. “Johnny,” he said, “what’s wrong?”
He kept watching John, wondering what might be wrong. He had never done this before. He took a step closer again. “John?”
John finally looked up, an emotion Bobby rarely saw in his eyes. “I can’t do this, Bobby,” he said seriously, taking a step back from Bobby and towards the shower door.
“Do what?” Bobby asked, feeling confused.
“I can’t… I can’t fucking be what you want!” John exclaimed.
“What do you mean? What-what do I want?” Bobby asked. His eyes were searching John’s as if trying to find an explanation.
John let out a noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan, which did nothing to help Bobby understand. “I jus-I can’t fucking do it.”
“Do what?” Bobby asked again, becoming frustrated with John.
“You just… you want too much!” John said, his eyes looking anywhere but at Bobby.
Bobby was thoroughly confused and it didn’t help that John refused to look at him. “I don’t want anything! I just want you.”
“Well, you can’t have me!”
“John!” Bobby exclaimed, shocked and confused.
John didn’t give him much other chance to respond as he wrenched open the shower door and made for his room. By the time Bobby made it out after him, he was already dressed and grabbing his lighter and jacket off the table.
Bobby opened his mouth to say something, but it was too late as John left, slamming the door behind him. He stared at the closed door, his expression confused and a little hurt. He didn’t understand why John would say that.
He knew their relationship was a little tentative, what with the fact that he and Rogue had just broken up a few weeks ago, but he thought that wouldn’t matter. He’d been fooling around with John for a long time before that, it just hadn’t been serious.
Now that it was getting there, though, John seemed to be pulling away. Bobby didn’t understand it. He couldn’t explain why John had become more distant the closer they seemed to get.
Bobby sighed as he sunk down onto his bed, his head resting in his hands. He opened his eyes as he realized he was still naked and wet. He got up and changed clothes, pulling on some jeans and a tee shirt. As he glanced up, he caught sight of someone sitting on the edge of the fountain.
He moved closer to the window, watching the figure raise a cigarette to his mouth and lower it again. He stood there for a moment, then sat down on his bed, turning to watch the clock, waiting impatiently for the next five minutes to pass.
***
John stormed through the halls of the mansion, ignoring anyone who tried to speak to him. His temper was too high to deal with any idiotic people who took the opportunity to speak to him.
He made it outside with little more than a few singed sleeves and headed for the fountain. He collapsed on the edge of it, glaring into the bottom where stupid optimistic people had been foolish enough to throw coins.
His hand closed around his lighter tightly, feeling the sense of security it gave him. He flicked it open and stole the flame, forming it into a tiny, perfect sphere. He watched the flames tumble over each other as they tried to keep the shape.
Around him, the sun was just dipping below the edge of the Earth and the sky had turned a dusky blue. He extinguished the flame with a flick of his wrist and watched as it vanished in the gathering dusk.
He reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and using his lighter to light one. He was too worked up to bother manipulating the flame into a shape to light it. He just wanted a damn cigarette.
He took a long drag, trying to calm his nerves. He didn’t know what did it. He’d been fooling around with Bobby for a long time now. It had never bothered him before. But before, Bobby had been safely in Rogue’s clutches. There had been no danger of…
But now, now Bobby was… his. The thought gave him a weird sensation in the pit of his stomach, and he didn’t like it. He’d never been in a real relationship. He didn’t know how to deal with someone wanting to touch him without it being a precursor for sex.
He hated to admit that he liked when Bobby would casually rest his hand on his thigh in class, when they were doing assignments. It bothered him that he liked the contact so much. It was only a simple gesture, but it seemed to matter so much more.
He didn’t know how to handle this. He didn’t have any relationships to go by. His own parents had always fought. He didn’t want to end up like that.
Whenever he looked at Bobby, and Bobby would smile at him so sweetly, he got a weird fluttering sensation in his stomach. At first it would feel good but as it went on, he would begin to feel sick. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like that he couldn’t control it even more.
As he sat on the edge of the fountain, he tried to take a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Instead, a choked noise came out. He blinked hard, taking another drag of his cigarette and trying to push away the feeling that was gnawing at his stomach.
He was just thinking about going back inside and getting something to eat, then maybe trying to face Bobby, try to somehow explain his outburst earlier. He always felt bad when he did this, but he never knew what to say. It was his nerves that took over. Somehow every time he got closer to Bobby, he felt the need to shove him away. He always got the feeling that he was going to hurt Bobby. He didn’t want to do that, so he pushed instead.
He stared at the ground, trying to work up the courage to stand up and go in to explain, or try to, to Bobby. He knew Bobby wouldn’t understand, but he didn’t know what to do.
He nearly fell in the fountain when he felt a hand on his own. “Jesus!” he exclaimed, dropping his cigarette and whipping around to see who had snuck up on him.
He was shocked to see Bobby sitting next to him, his eyes fixed on his face. His mouth fell open slightly as he stared at Bobby. “What are you-“ he started to say, but Bobby held up a hand to his mouth.
“John, just stop,” he said seriously. “You know this is the third time you’ve done this?”
“Yes, I-“ John said, feeling guiltier by the second.
“And I know it isn’t because of Rogue, not that you ever felt guilty for that anyway,” Bobby interrupted him. “Every time we get closer, you pull away. Is there something wrong? Something wrong with me?”
Bobby’s tone made John’s stomach slip a few notches. It sounded so lost and questioning. He hated thinking he’d made Bobby question himself.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with you,” he said quickly, turning his lighter over in his hands restlessly and keeping his eyes on it. “There’s just… something wrong with me.”
“No,” Bobby insisted, his hand curling around John’s. It felt cold to John, but he didn’t pull away. “You’re fine. You just need to…” He trailed away, unsure what to say.
John scoffed. “I just need to realize that I can’t love anyone. Love only gets you hurt, so why should I bother opening myself up to something I know could kill me.”
Bobby stared at John for a second. “Do you really think that?” he asked finally. He had always known that St. John hadn’t had the best childhood, but he hadn’t thought that that was what had been affecting their relationship.
John avoided his eyes again, staring at his lighter as he flicked it open and shut. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to get hurt. I can’t hav-I can’t do it.”
“You can’t have what?”
John hesitated and Bobby could see his reluctance. “I can’t have real feelings for you. It’s just so… Every time we’re together, I can feel myself slipping and I don’t want that to happen. Bad things happen when people slip.”
John fell silent after that, trying to ignore Bobby’s piercing gaze that was still on him. He didn’t want to admit that he already did have feelings for the other boy. Every time he felt something more for Bobby, he pushed it away. That same feeling of sickness crept into his stomach every time, like it was a bad thing. He didn’t know how to stop it.
He was surprised as he felt Bobby’s arms wrap around him, pulling him closer to his body. He shivered, not sure if it was Bobby’s body temperature or the feeling that swept through his body at the touch.
He was stiff at first but relaxed into the embrace. His hands came up tentatively to rest on Bobby’s back. He could feel Bobby’s cool breath on his ear.
“Good things happen when people slip too,” Bobby said quietly, nuzzling John’s neck softly. “John, trust me. You won’t hurt me.”
John felt Bobby’s reassuring hand on his lower back, and one on his shoulder. He knew he ought to listen to Bobby. He felt Bobby lift his head from his neck.
Bobby’s hand was moving from John’s shoulder to his neck, his touch soft and caressing. He felt Bobby lean in and his lips brush softly against his.
“John, do you trust me?”
“Yes,” John sighed, his eyes closing as Bobby pressed another light kiss to his lips. He opened them again when he felt Bobby pull back.
Bobby was looking at him, his blue eyes burning intensely as he stared at John. His hand dropped from John’s neck to his waist.
“You can have whatever feelings you want for someone,” he said seriously. “Don’t let your past cloud your present. John,” he whispered, moving in closer, “don’t let go of something you have because of something you know isn’t true.” He looked up into John’s eyes, and John could see the pleading in them. “John, don’t. I don’t want you to.”
Bobby was taken aback as John kissed him suddenly, pushing him back a little. He kissed back hard, hoping he was getting through. He didn’t want to lose John because of something they could fix. He believed that John just needed someone who wouldn’t run out on him, or play with his emotions.
“I won’t, Iceman,” John breathed when they parted. “I won’t.”
Bobby sighed in relief and pulled John back into a hug, holding onto him tightly and snuggling into his neck as the twilight fell around them.
“Good.”
~~**~~
A/N: Lyric is from "Straw Dog" by Something Corporate. I'm in a weird mood tonight, I dunno. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed :) Please review!