(no subject)
so ya... apparently I don't really remember writing that shit below (see last post)... but ya. It's 12:30 and I need to go to bed... I have work in the morning but yet- I get myself out of bed cause I have a headache and I'm just stressed/depressed.
I apologized to Pete tonight for snapping at him because I'm so stressed out. But it's to the point where I don't think he understands. Hell, I don't feel like I even understand myself as to why I'm acting like this/feelign this way. I've been doing too much lately, this I know. I'm glad that pete's house is almost done- because that was really something that I had to do in order to get it sold. instead of relaxing.. i painted... instead of homework... I bought things to stage the house... instead of catching up on sleep... I cleaned.
I don't know. In a way I don't feel like i'm appreciated... well I know that I am... but I feel underappreciated? I don't know. I feel like I spend more time on Pete and helping him out than visa versa... he says he wants to help and he knows where he can step in, yet I feel like I need to pick up after him on a weekly basis. His back hurts/ whatever- I'll rub his back. No questions asked- nor does he have to ask- I offer. I don't get the same in return. When Raff came up, I actually asked him for a massage and he laughed and made the joke that I had a bf now and he can do it. I hate asking. I feel like I shouldn't. Not that it matters cause he's not really good at doing massages anyway. We differ in thoughts which sometimes irks me. I'm in the field of disabilities- so I'm more open and aware of those things- I know not everyone is, but I dunno, it irks me that someone cannot see my point of view or when they say a random comment without thinking. Pete also doesn't do well with confrontation.. in fact he makes things worse... but that's more my observation with his roommates than with anything else. Even still, I ask him about his day, he tells me. Doesn't ask about mine... maybe because I bitch too much? I don't know.
I think I'm stressing because I'll be moving in a few weeks. I feel like my life is coming to a halt. Perhaps I'm afriad of commitment. I have no idea. I'm about to embrace the real world by graduating, moving into a house, etc and I don't think i know how to handle all of this going on at once.
I was watching CSI the other night, and thought to myself, damn, i really wish I did that. Then it fucking dawned on me. I was in that major once in my life... I switched out.
This got me kinda upset. I wish in a way I had stuck to it despite all my bitching and moaning. Atleast in not forensics then in Criminal Justice.
Work is going alright. I'm pissed because one counselor has now only one client... it's because she's leaving and is unethical in every fucking way and can't perform her job. I have to meet with my director soon- and find out that I will have more than 2 new clients. One of which, is a total pain in the ass and is very manipulative... I'm so not looking forward to that extra stress. I don't know what it is going to be like with a full-time job and doing grad school full time. I'm very stressed about this.
Lack of free time is something else that is killing me. I'm stressed about the holidays and not being able to come home. due to work. I'm stressed because it's the summer and I haven't been to the beach, been to a bonfire or anything yet that has in my mindset declared it "officially summer". I'm tired of hanging out with the same people over and over. And doing the same thing over and over. Every night:: nothing, school, work/nothing, school, work, work, homework/crash. maybe I go to the bar once a week... but that's it. Whoopie-freaking- do. My one night I actually am released out into public.
I'm actually glad that I wrote this out and got some of it off of my brain. It sucks not really being able to talk to someone on a regular basis about their day and what's going on. I actually for once felt like i NEEDED to call my mom. granted it's almost one in the morning so I won't- but none the less- that is something that never really crossed my mind.
Ugh. so with that. I hope my mind will be a little more at ease and I can go to sleep... tired and cranky for the morning shift at work, followed by class. ugh....
good night.
I apologized to Pete tonight for snapping at him because I'm so stressed out. But it's to the point where I don't think he understands. Hell, I don't feel like I even understand myself as to why I'm acting like this/feelign this way. I've been doing too much lately, this I know. I'm glad that pete's house is almost done- because that was really something that I had to do in order to get it sold. instead of relaxing.. i painted... instead of homework... I bought things to stage the house... instead of catching up on sleep... I cleaned.
I don't know. In a way I don't feel like i'm appreciated... well I know that I am... but I feel underappreciated? I don't know. I feel like I spend more time on Pete and helping him out than visa versa... he says he wants to help and he knows where he can step in, yet I feel like I need to pick up after him on a weekly basis. His back hurts/ whatever- I'll rub his back. No questions asked- nor does he have to ask- I offer. I don't get the same in return. When Raff came up, I actually asked him for a massage and he laughed and made the joke that I had a bf now and he can do it. I hate asking. I feel like I shouldn't. Not that it matters cause he's not really good at doing massages anyway. We differ in thoughts which sometimes irks me. I'm in the field of disabilities- so I'm more open and aware of those things- I know not everyone is, but I dunno, it irks me that someone cannot see my point of view or when they say a random comment without thinking. Pete also doesn't do well with confrontation.. in fact he makes things worse... but that's more my observation with his roommates than with anything else. Even still, I ask him about his day, he tells me. Doesn't ask about mine... maybe because I bitch too much? I don't know.
I think I'm stressing because I'll be moving in a few weeks. I feel like my life is coming to a halt. Perhaps I'm afriad of commitment. I have no idea. I'm about to embrace the real world by graduating, moving into a house, etc and I don't think i know how to handle all of this going on at once.
I was watching CSI the other night, and thought to myself, damn, i really wish I did that. Then it fucking dawned on me. I was in that major once in my life... I switched out.
This got me kinda upset. I wish in a way I had stuck to it despite all my bitching and moaning. Atleast in not forensics then in Criminal Justice.
Work is going alright. I'm pissed because one counselor has now only one client... it's because she's leaving and is unethical in every fucking way and can't perform her job. I have to meet with my director soon- and find out that I will have more than 2 new clients. One of which, is a total pain in the ass and is very manipulative... I'm so not looking forward to that extra stress. I don't know what it is going to be like with a full-time job and doing grad school full time. I'm very stressed about this.
Lack of free time is something else that is killing me. I'm stressed about the holidays and not being able to come home. due to work. I'm stressed because it's the summer and I haven't been to the beach, been to a bonfire or anything yet that has in my mindset declared it "officially summer". I'm tired of hanging out with the same people over and over. And doing the same thing over and over. Every night:: nothing, school, work/nothing, school, work, work, homework/crash. maybe I go to the bar once a week... but that's it. Whoopie-freaking- do. My one night I actually am released out into public.
I'm actually glad that I wrote this out and got some of it off of my brain. It sucks not really being able to talk to someone on a regular basis about their day and what's going on. I actually for once felt like i NEEDED to call my mom. granted it's almost one in the morning so I won't- but none the less- that is something that never really crossed my mind.
Ugh. so with that. I hope my mind will be a little more at ease and I can go to sleep... tired and cranky for the morning shift at work, followed by class. ugh....
good night.