Run to You (Part 2 of 2)
Title: Run to You (Part 2 of 2)
Author: silver222
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG
Summary: A different take on the season seven premiere. Arizona has a chat with Dr. Perkins. Callie and Arizona discuss their future.
Disclaimer: All characters, events, settings and situations mentioned in this work are sole property of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use.
Part 1
“Callie wants me to move in with her,” Arizona announced as soon as she walked into Dr. Perkins office and slammed the door behind her.
“Uh ok,” Dr. Perkins stumbled, startled with the interruption. “You do realize I’m a trauma counselor not a relationship therapist right? Still no couch in here,” he gestured around his small office.
Arizona continued on as if Dr. Perkins hadn’t said a word. “And I told her I need to think about it. Why do I need to think about it? What do I need to think about? I mean we practically live together now anyway. So what would really change? Except I wouldn’t have my apartment. Which isn’t that close to work and barely decorated since the only extended time I’ve spent there in over a year was last month during our break up.”
“Do you want to sit down?” Dr. Perkins asked when he realized Arizona was continuing on regardless of what he said.
Arizona ignored the offer continuing on, “You should have seen her face. She tried to cover it, but she wasn’t quick enough.” She took a deep breath as she recalled the awkward interaction she and Callie had just a few short hours ago after Callie returned from her shower.
"Hey," Arizona said as Callie walked out of the bedroom, her hair still damp from her shower.
Callie looked over mildly surprised to see Arizona standing at the kitchen counter picking up with the dinner preparation that she had left off with. "Hi,” Callie returned.
Wanting to salvage some part of their night, Arizona decided to ignore the inevitable tension in the room, "I figured I'd try to help make dinner but I'm not really sure what to do other than cut up some of these vegetables."
Callie just stared at Arizona before admitting in a defeated tone, "I don't know what else I can do."
Arizona laughed, oblivious to the underlying meaning of Callie’s admission, “Well I’m not going near the chicken after last time. Chopping vegetables is the only thing I excel at in the kitchen.”
Callie shook her head amazed sometimes how quickly Arizona changed gears. "No. I mean about you. About us. I don't know what else to say or what else to do to convince you that I'm all in. That I love you. For you to trust me."
"Calliope -," was as far as Arizona got before a shrill beeping sounded. Letting out a groan, Arizona headed towards the couch where she had dropped her things upon arriving earlier in the evening and rummaged through her purse for the beeping pager.
"Are you on call?" Callie asked from the kitchen.
"No but one of my patients was still in critical condition when I left," Arizona said checking her pager for the message. "I told the nurses to page me if anything changed."
"Well maybe it’s news for the better.” Callie said optimistically then watched as Arizona stared at her pager, “Are you going to answer it?”
Arizona hesitated, knowing that walking away from this conversation, even if it was due to an emergency, was not going to bode well for their newly re-established relationship. "It's fine. Dr. Michaels is there. He can handle it."
"That may be true but if you don’t go you’re going to be distracted all night and if it’s not good news, you’re going to beat yourself up about it. So you should go. Really. It's fine. I'll finish up dinner. We can talk later," Callie offered.
Arizona gnawed at her lower lip and stared at Callie for a few moments knowing she was right before finally she relented, sighing deeply. "Ok. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"Ok," Callie said as she turned her back towards Arizona to face the counter and started busying herself with finishing dinner.
Arizona threw her pager back in her bag and started putting her jacket on before walking back over to Callie. She placed her hand over Callie’s, stilling her motions, waiting for Callie to put down the cutting knife and turn towards her.
When brown eyes locked on hers, Arizona said softly, "It's not about you convincing me. I know. I do." She took Callie’s face in her hands pressing their lips together in an unspoken promise. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she repeated. Callie just nodded her head, whispering an “ok” before accepting another quick kiss from Arizona before she stepped away and gathered her things, looking back at Callie once more before heading out the door.
Arizona snapped back to present time interrupting her ramblings to respond to Dr. Perkins’ previous comments. “And you said your door is always open. So I’m taking you up on your offer.”
Arizona took a few steps forward and collapsed into the chair across from the desk. “We did break up. Very recently. For a very legitimate reason. And the only good thing out of Gary Clark’s rampage seems to be that we found our way back to each other.”
“Why did you two break up?” Dr. Perkins asked.
“Callie wants to have a family. A baby. Kids. And I don’t,” Arizona said simply.
“I see,” Dr. Perkins gave a faint nod of his head but didn’t comment any further. “You know people coming together or in your case, rectifying a broken relationship, is a common occurrence after someone faces a life and death situation. People re-evaluate their lives and suddenly the things that seemed so important or the barriers that stood between two people, just don’t seem so important anymore when faced with the realization of death.”
“Hmm no kidding,” Arizona mumbled in agreement.
“Have you two talked about what ended the relationship? Have you reached an agreement about having kids?” Dr. Perkins questioned.
“We were in the ambulance bay after we were cleared by the police to leave the hospital. Even before the lockdown, Callie and I hadn’t been having a good day, relationship wise. Apparently Callie had moved on to the anger portion of the stages of a break-up and she let it be known to me. But we put that aside as we worked to save Ruby. And then when it was all over, we both just realized how short life could be, like you just said. She told me that she didn’t want kids if she couldn’t be with me. And I told her that I would have kids with her,” Arizona answered.
“So you both picked each other,” Dr. Perkins concluded for her.
Arizona shook her head in agreement, “Yeah, I suppose we did. We both were willing to let go of our own dreams for each other. But it all happened so quickly. And I’m not sure where we stand on the whole kids front. I mean she said she would be ok with no kids first. And I said yes to kids so does that mean we’re having kids? Part of saying that was I’m sure the emotions from the aftermath of the shooting.”
Dr. Perkins nodded his head before asking, “And the other part?”
“The other part?” Arizona repeated then paused. “The other part is me thinking maybe having kids…or a kid…wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Arizona, what made you let go of your own dream for Dr. Torres?”
“I realized I had a new dream. I wanted…I want a life with her,” Arizona admitted. Since their first date, Arizona was beyond smitten and even during their short lived break-up, she wasn’t sure how she would ever be able to move on from Callie.
Dr. Perkins gave Arizona a sad smile, “Then why do you think you’re fighting that dream?”
Arizona looked at him, defeat and sadness in her eyes. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to tell me?”
Dr. Perkins gave her a knowing smile, “No, I’m supposed to ask the questions that lead you to the answers. The answer that’s often obvious but you’re not ready to admit.”
Arizona fiddled with her hands, her gaze drifting to a painting on the wall before turning back to Dr. Perkins. “Callie’s amazing. In that ‘you can’t really be for real’ way. She’s everything that I never had in any of my past girlfriends. And other things I never even knew I wanted.”
Dr. Perkins nodded waiting for Arizona to continue.
“I’m scared. I know I’m scared. I just can’t seem to figure out what I’m scared of or more likely why its come up now and I can’t seem to get past it. Some days, I’m scared she’s going to leave me for any number of reasons, or decide I’m not the right one for her, or women in general aren’t for her. Which is unfair, I know, since she has never given me that indication but it’s like the wires are all crossed in my brain. Other days, it’s some variation of the kids topic - how my life would change, would I be a good mom…having a child with her only to lose that child because I couldn’t save them.” Arizona took a breath. “And those fears are being manifested in my dreams every night. Or more like nightmares. And no matter how great Callie has been these last few weeks, it’s like the break-up knocked loose these deep seeded fears and I can’t seem to just accept...accept that maybe we can actually have our happy ending,” Arizona ended her ramble, her lips together in a tight smile, and looking to Dr. Perkins for advice.
“Does Callie know about these nightmares?” Dr. Perkins asked.
“No, not really. I’ve always had nightmares and most of the time I’m pretty good about waking myself up before I wake her up. And if she does wake up, I haven’t been telling her what they’re really about,” Arizona looked down slightly embarrassed to be showing her weaknesses.
Dr. Perkins put his pen and paper to the side and leaned forward on his forearms that were resting on his desk. He barely knew Arizona and he knew even less about Callie but it was obvious to him how much they both valued their relationship. “It sounds to me like you’re the only one holding yourself back. From everything that I’ve heard, Callie is committed to you and your relationship. You need to make that same commitment.” He spoke strongly hoping Arizona was hearing his message. “You’re letting these unfounded fears take over. Let yourself be happy. Let yourself have the happily ever after that you both seem to be fighting for. Don’t let the fear of living a life without her actually cause you to live a life without her.”
Arizona stared back at Dr. Perkins processing all that he said. Deep down, she knew he was right. She had just needed someone else to point out the obvious. Letting out a deep sigh, Arizona nodded and stood up slowly from the chair. There really wasn’t much else to say. At least not to Dr. Perkins, Arizona thought, as she offered a quick but sincere thank you before heading out the door.
____________
Shortly after her impromptu conversation with Dr. Perkins, Arizona headed home stopping briefly outside Callie’s apartment building to gather her thoughts. She really wanted to have a cigarette to help her nerves but knew that Callie would smell it on her and it would further add to the hole Arizona had dug herself into.
She walked into the apartment noticing the living room was dark and void of both Callie and Christina and that the kitchen had been cleaned of all remnants of the dinner that they had started. Although, knowing Callie, she was certain that there was a dinner plate made up for her waiting in the refrigerator to be re-heated. Arizona heard some shuffling coming from Callie’s bedroom and made her way over, knowing that her nervous energy wasn’t going to allow her to eat anytime soon.
As she opened the door, she was shocked to see piles of clothes all throughout the bedroom - on the bed, the chair in the corner, and a stash of shoes in another pile by the dresser. She spotted Callie on her knees, leaning into her closet, partially obstructed from view.
“Hey,” Arizona greeted making her presence known. “Umm what are you doing?”
Callie jumped, startled at the interruption, before leaning back on her calves and looking at Arizona. “I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to clean. I started with the kitchen and then moved on to laundry. Then I realized how many clothes I have that I don’t wear so I decided to clean out my closet.”
Arizona knew the real reason for Callie’s inability to sleep and current cleaning binge was being left unsaid but decided to ease into the discussion. She glanced around again at the piles of clothes scattered throughout the bedroom. “Hmm, I can see that. What’s this pile?” Arizona questioned pointing to a pile on the bed.
“Give away,” Callie answered after taking a quick glance towards where Arizona was pointing then resuming her efforts in the closet.
Arizona plucked a t-shirt from the top, stripping off her scrub top and replacing it with the t-shirt.
As Callie turned to throw another pair of shoes in the pile outside of her closet, she smirked when she realized what Arizona was now wearing, “I didn’t mean for you.” Arizona just grinned back at Callie showing off her dimples, forcing Callie to let out a chuckle at her girlfriend’s antics.
Arizona plopped down at the foot of the bed facing Callie, putting her hands under her thighs and swinging her legs against the bed frame. “So what are the chances of clearing enough closet space for some of my things?”
“You already have clothes in here. And apparently my give away pile is shrinking so probably not very likely to happen,” Callie responded.
“Well what if I wanted to bring more things over. Like all my things?” Arizona asked nonchalantly.
Callie just stared at Arizona, her arms that were raised to inspect a pair of jeans dropping suddenly to her lap.
“What are you saying?” she asked with tone of uncertainty.
Letting out a deep breath, Arizona responded, “I may have freaked out earlier.” Callie quirked an eyebrow at Arizona. “Ok so I did freak out.”
Callie looked down at her watch to gauge how long Arizona had been gone before asking, “So what changed in the last four hours?”
“I found an avenue to discuss my fears and --."
“Who? Teddy?” Callie interrupted irritated. “Why can’t you talk to me? And what are you scared of?”
Arizona recoiled at Callie’s brief outburst. “No not Teddy. Dr. Perkins. And I know what you’re thinking. He kind of kicked off this whole…thing…between us after my meeting with him earlier. I didn’t intend to talk to him again. But I was stuck at the hospital and stewing over what happened earlier and what my reaction was and next thing I knew I was spilling my guts to him.”
“Great,” Callie groaned in frustration.
Arizona cocked her head to the side, her expression serious. “And I can talk to you. I want to talk to you. That’s what I’m trying to do right now.”
Callie took a deep breath standing up and leaning against the door frame of her closet with her arms crossed against her chest and spoke calmly. “Ok let’s talk. Tell me what you’re so afraid of. What would be so bad about moving in together?”
“I don’t think it’s really about physically moving in together. It’s about what it represents,” Arizona attempted to explain.
Callie looked quizzical not following Arizona’s explanation, “And what’s that? Us taking the next step to build our life together? Our future together? You think that’s bad?”
Arizona quickly shook her head. “No not bad. Just…I don’t know. Scary.”
Callie was getting frustrated again and it was getting harder to hold her emotions back. “Scary?! Moving in together scares you? You’re basically already living here! When was the last time you were even at your apartment?” Even as Callie was spewing the words, her brain flashed the answer before her. The last time Arizona was at her own apartment was two weeks ago when she had helped Arizona gather her things to bring back here. “Just a few weeks ago you told me not only that you couldn’t live without me but that we are having ten kids. Do you realize how hypocritical you are being?”
“Don’t you think I realize that? Don’t you know how badly my heart is screaming yes, but my head is screaming no?” Arizona exclaimed quickly getting frustrated herself and progressively getting louder. “So maybe instead of judging me and yelling at me, you could help me!”
Callie just stared at Arizona, who didn’t often let her emotions get the best of her. Arizona broke eye contact and reached up with her right hand to swipe at a loose tear that she hadn’t been able to hold in before staring at her shoes.
“Ok.”
“Ok?” Arizona asked unsure of Callie’s response.
“Ok. You’re right. I’m sorry for yelling,” Callie took a few steps before sitting down next to Arizona on her bed, careful to leave a space between them, and mirroring Arizona’s position as they both stared straight ahead at the closet. Callie broke first turning her head slightly to face Arizona, “So what did Dr. Perkins have to say?”
“Nothing I hadn’t already figured out myself,” Arizona replied softly still not making eye contact.
Callie raised her hand and softly turned Arizona’s chin towards her. “So then fill me in,” she pleaded into crystal blue eyes.
“Do you remember that first night in Fiji? I had that nightmare? And you held me and comforted me and basically was your always amazing self until I could fall back to sleep?” Arizona asked.
“Yes of course. You told me you had a flashback to when Gary Clark came in the exam room. Are you still having nightmares? Why aren’t you waking me up? You know I don’t mind,” Callie insisted, concerned about Arizona’s nightmares and that she thought she had to hide them again.
“Yeah…it wasn’t about that. Lately my nightmares have been about you,” Arizona confessed to Callie.
“Me? What about me?” Callie asked, surprised to hear this revelation.
Arizona attempted to answer but faltered in trying to find the right words. She paused again, collecting her thoughts once more, before speaking softly. “I never told you this but the morning after our second date I called my mom and I think I spent the better part of an hour talking to her about you. And we had only been on two dates. Two dates that were really great dates but still it was only two dates.” Callie smiled and gave a faint acknowledgement in agreement while she tried to gather where Arizona was going with this story.
“And when I finally stopped telling her about you, my mom told me I had met my soul mate. Just like that. No questions asked. And I know a lot of people don’t believe in soul mates but my mom does. She always has. She said she knew from the first time she went out with my dad that he was the one. And whenever my brother or I would break up with a girl or get shot down for a date, my mom was always quick to point out so many reasons why they weren’t our soul mate.”
Flashback:
Arizona had finally paused to take a breath after talking non-stop about the new girl in her life for at least the last ten minutes.
“You found your soul mate,” her mom concluded. It was said with no hesitation, no hint of a question.
Arizona laughed in response. “What?! Mom it’s only been two dates. We barely know each other.”
“Well then call it mother’s intuition but I’m telling you this is the girl you will be with forever.”
Although Arizona was hesitant to believe that could be determined so early in their relationship, she couldn’t help but ask. “How can you tell? You haven’t even met her.”
“Well I didn’t meet your last girlfriend either and I knew right off the bat that she was trouble.”
Arizona grinned recalling the ‘I told you so’ from her mother after she had told her about her last break-up. “Then what’s so different this time? My first couple of dates with Melissa went really well also.”
Arizona’s mom took a pause before speaking, her voice catching every so often with emotion. “Because darling I haven’t heard the sparkle in your voice in six years until today. And I know I may not have met her but I don’t need to. It’s enough to just hear about her from you. This Callie? She makes you sparkle again. It’s the first time in awhile I’ve heard that. You’re not hiding behind the façade of perkiness and smiles and wheelie shoes. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you found each other.” Arizona was pretty sure from the sniffles that her mom was trying to hold back her tears.
Arizona sighed. “I just hope she feels the same way.”
“Well she better. You’re a catch.”
Arizona laughed, “Gee thanks Mom.”
“When the right one comes along, things just have a way of falling into place. Just enjoy this. And Arizona - you deserve this. You deserve to be happy again. You deserve to sparkle again.” Her mom had always supported her, had helped her through the rough times, so Arizona wasn’t surprised when her mom said this. Nonetheless, Arizona found herself reaching for a tissue to wipe her own eyes.
Callie was stunned. “Wow. I hope I don’t let your mom down when I meet her,” she exhaled nervous about the high expectations Arizona’s mom apparently had of her.
“Oh trust me, you won’t,” Arizona turned her head, needing to look into Callie’s eyes as she spoke her next words. “She’s right you know. I may not have been as confident as my mom from day one but you are my soul mate. And I don’t know if you even believe in that or maybe you think it’s really cheesy or ‘Disney’ or whatever but I do believe it.” She had known from the start that Callie was different from all her other girlfriends. And not just because of her past dating history. After that conversation with her mom, Arizona had realized that Callie was the first woman she really could imagine spending the rest of her life with. But they both had baggage that could throw a black cloud over any relationship, and Arizona had been hesitant to be too optimistic, too afraid to look too far down the road.
“I used to believe it. I think I stopped after everything with George and how wrong I was about love. But it wasn’t until I met you that I realized who my true soul mate is,” Callie admitted.
Arizona gave a teary eyed smile. “You are an amazing catch. An amazing woman. And after the last few months, I’m so scared of disappointing you again. And you deserve the world Calliope.”
“Arizona -,” Callie started but was interrupted before she could say anything further.
Arizona moved her hand, squeezing Callie’s leg affectionately a silent signal that she had more that she needed to say. “Lately my nightmares aren’t about tiny coffins or even the shooting. They’re about all the ways I break your heart, or disappoint you, or let you down. Whether it’s now, or 10 years down the line or 20 years. And some of them are outrageous and some of them are so real and such a real possibility. You know how my brain goes into overdrive when I sleep,” Arizona scoffed. “The line between real life and my dreams is so blurred right now. So when you asked me earlier to move in, my head flashed back to my nightmares, to all the ways that we could go wrong, to all the ways that I could hurt you, or you could hurt me,” Arizona finally admitted to Callie.
Callie hadn’t been expecting that and didn’t have a chance to respond before Arizona continued, “You deserve someone who will make all your dreams come true. And what if I can’t do that? What if our differences over kids are just the first of many? What if there’s something else you don’t know about me yet? What if I disappoint you again? Because that’s all I’ve been seeing when I close my eyes at night.” Arizona’s voice rang with an air of desperation but she was relieved to finally have put her fears out there to Callie.
“I have a ring,” Callie stated bluntly. She knew this could completely backfire considering this whole conversation started with Arizona’s hesitance at moving in together but Callie was convinced the way to get Arizona over her fear of commitment was to show her that Callie wouldn’t be abandoning her. She wouldn’t be letting her go ever again.
“I bought it after we got back together. That morning before we left for Fiji, I went out and bought a ring. I thought I would propose in Fiji but that just seemed too…I don’t know, cliché, I guess. Or maybe just too quick after getting back together.”
Arizona sat stunned at this latest confession.
“And I’m not going to propose now because you deserve better. We deserve better. It’s not going to be in our bedroom after we’ve been fighting or whatever you want to call tonight. But I think you should know I have a ring and I plan on using it. Whenever we’re both ready. So you need to get that head of yours to match up to your heart because I’m not going anywhere. I’ve thought about my future and I want you in it. My dream is to spend forever with you. It’s as simple as that. I just want a life with you. And I hope we keep learning new things about each other. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? It’s what keeps the days interesting. And maybe sometimes it’s things that one of us doesn’t like but we’ll work through it. I’m promising you that we’ll work through it. And I think you need to do the same.”
Callie took Arizona’s left hand in both of hers eliminating the space that had remained between them. She could see the wheels spinning in Arizona’s brain as she processed all that she had said. Callie was content to let Arizona take her time. This was a talk that had been begging to be had for weeks but both girls were skillful in avoidance. But now, it was all out on the table. And they were better for it; their relationship was better for it, stronger for it.
After a few beats, Arizona looked at Callie who detected a mischievous glint in her eyes, replacing the turmoil that had been there all night. “Can I see the ring?”
“Ahh no. Not until it’s going on your finger,” Callie responded immediately and firmly.
“But Calliope…,” Arizona whined.
“Nope, not going to happen, no matter how much you pout or try to work your magic smile,” Callie said shaking her head. “But I will finish cleaning out my closet tomorrow so you can have half.”
“So I can move all my things over here?” Arizona hinted again.
Callie squeezed her hand affectionately. “Yup. I think we even have room for another dresser. And we can figure out the rest of your furniture later.”
“So why wait until tomorrow? I can help you finish sorting through everything,” Arizona responded, the youthful joy and eagerness back in her voice.
Callie stood up, letting go of Arizona’s hand, and started moving the clothes that were on her bed back to the closet. “I’d rather make up with you. And then after we make up, we need to celebrate you moving in here,” Callie gave a quick wink grinning at Arizona who broke out into a grin herself.
Arizona stood, reaching out to grasp Callie’s elbow, stopping her as she went back for more items on the bed. “Thank you,” she said gently looking into her girlfriend’s beautiful brown eyes. It was a thank you for so many things but no more words needed to be said between the two women.
Callie gave a faint nod of her head in acknowledgement before leaning over to capture her girlfriend’s lips, comforted that Arizona had finally been able to break down the walls that kept her fears so internalized. “I love you Arizona,” she said when their lingering kiss finally broke apart.
Arizona brought her hands to Callie’s face, letting her thumbs fall against the soft skin. “I love you, too,” she said softly before kissing Callie again. As their kiss deepened, they pulled their bodies closer together, begging each other to feel the emotions of the kiss that was so full of apologies, of forgiveness, of promises for the future, of love.
Callie took a step backwards to the bed, pulling Arizona with her. “On second thought, I don’t think you need to move your things over here. I’d be perfectly fine if you just had to be naked all the time,” Callie smiled, as she ran her hands along Arizona’s back, her hands sneaking underneath her shirt.
Arizona giggled, running her hands along Callie’s shoulders before tangling them in the hair that rested there. She smirked at the look Callie was currently shooting her way, “Of course you would. Lucky for me, my girlfriend has lots of clothes for me to choose from.” As they both fell back towards the bed, Arizona couldn’t help but laugh as Callie tore off the shirt that Arizona had pilfered out of her give away pile not too long ago, tossing it aimlessly towards the corner, before getting lost in the touch that she couldn’t ever imagine her life without.
Author: silver222
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG
Summary: A different take on the season seven premiere. Arizona has a chat with Dr. Perkins. Callie and Arizona discuss their future.
Disclaimer: All characters, events, settings and situations mentioned in this work are sole property of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use.
Part 1
“Callie wants me to move in with her,” Arizona announced as soon as she walked into Dr. Perkins office and slammed the door behind her.
“Uh ok,” Dr. Perkins stumbled, startled with the interruption. “You do realize I’m a trauma counselor not a relationship therapist right? Still no couch in here,” he gestured around his small office.
Arizona continued on as if Dr. Perkins hadn’t said a word. “And I told her I need to think about it. Why do I need to think about it? What do I need to think about? I mean we practically live together now anyway. So what would really change? Except I wouldn’t have my apartment. Which isn’t that close to work and barely decorated since the only extended time I’ve spent there in over a year was last month during our break up.”
“Do you want to sit down?” Dr. Perkins asked when he realized Arizona was continuing on regardless of what he said.
Arizona ignored the offer continuing on, “You should have seen her face. She tried to cover it, but she wasn’t quick enough.” She took a deep breath as she recalled the awkward interaction she and Callie had just a few short hours ago after Callie returned from her shower.
"Hey," Arizona said as Callie walked out of the bedroom, her hair still damp from her shower.
Callie looked over mildly surprised to see Arizona standing at the kitchen counter picking up with the dinner preparation that she had left off with. "Hi,” Callie returned.
Wanting to salvage some part of their night, Arizona decided to ignore the inevitable tension in the room, "I figured I'd try to help make dinner but I'm not really sure what to do other than cut up some of these vegetables."
Callie just stared at Arizona before admitting in a defeated tone, "I don't know what else I can do."
Arizona laughed, oblivious to the underlying meaning of Callie’s admission, “Well I’m not going near the chicken after last time. Chopping vegetables is the only thing I excel at in the kitchen.”
Callie shook her head amazed sometimes how quickly Arizona changed gears. "No. I mean about you. About us. I don't know what else to say or what else to do to convince you that I'm all in. That I love you. For you to trust me."
"Calliope -," was as far as Arizona got before a shrill beeping sounded. Letting out a groan, Arizona headed towards the couch where she had dropped her things upon arriving earlier in the evening and rummaged through her purse for the beeping pager.
"Are you on call?" Callie asked from the kitchen.
"No but one of my patients was still in critical condition when I left," Arizona said checking her pager for the message. "I told the nurses to page me if anything changed."
"Well maybe it’s news for the better.” Callie said optimistically then watched as Arizona stared at her pager, “Are you going to answer it?”
Arizona hesitated, knowing that walking away from this conversation, even if it was due to an emergency, was not going to bode well for their newly re-established relationship. "It's fine. Dr. Michaels is there. He can handle it."
"That may be true but if you don’t go you’re going to be distracted all night and if it’s not good news, you’re going to beat yourself up about it. So you should go. Really. It's fine. I'll finish up dinner. We can talk later," Callie offered.
Arizona gnawed at her lower lip and stared at Callie for a few moments knowing she was right before finally she relented, sighing deeply. "Ok. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"Ok," Callie said as she turned her back towards Arizona to face the counter and started busying herself with finishing dinner.
Arizona threw her pager back in her bag and started putting her jacket on before walking back over to Callie. She placed her hand over Callie’s, stilling her motions, waiting for Callie to put down the cutting knife and turn towards her.
When brown eyes locked on hers, Arizona said softly, "It's not about you convincing me. I know. I do." She took Callie’s face in her hands pressing their lips together in an unspoken promise. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she repeated. Callie just nodded her head, whispering an “ok” before accepting another quick kiss from Arizona before she stepped away and gathered her things, looking back at Callie once more before heading out the door.
Arizona snapped back to present time interrupting her ramblings to respond to Dr. Perkins’ previous comments. “And you said your door is always open. So I’m taking you up on your offer.”
Arizona took a few steps forward and collapsed into the chair across from the desk. “We did break up. Very recently. For a very legitimate reason. And the only good thing out of Gary Clark’s rampage seems to be that we found our way back to each other.”
“Why did you two break up?” Dr. Perkins asked.
“Callie wants to have a family. A baby. Kids. And I don’t,” Arizona said simply.
“I see,” Dr. Perkins gave a faint nod of his head but didn’t comment any further. “You know people coming together or in your case, rectifying a broken relationship, is a common occurrence after someone faces a life and death situation. People re-evaluate their lives and suddenly the things that seemed so important or the barriers that stood between two people, just don’t seem so important anymore when faced with the realization of death.”
“Hmm no kidding,” Arizona mumbled in agreement.
“Have you two talked about what ended the relationship? Have you reached an agreement about having kids?” Dr. Perkins questioned.
“We were in the ambulance bay after we were cleared by the police to leave the hospital. Even before the lockdown, Callie and I hadn’t been having a good day, relationship wise. Apparently Callie had moved on to the anger portion of the stages of a break-up and she let it be known to me. But we put that aside as we worked to save Ruby. And then when it was all over, we both just realized how short life could be, like you just said. She told me that she didn’t want kids if she couldn’t be with me. And I told her that I would have kids with her,” Arizona answered.
“So you both picked each other,” Dr. Perkins concluded for her.
Arizona shook her head in agreement, “Yeah, I suppose we did. We both were willing to let go of our own dreams for each other. But it all happened so quickly. And I’m not sure where we stand on the whole kids front. I mean she said she would be ok with no kids first. And I said yes to kids so does that mean we’re having kids? Part of saying that was I’m sure the emotions from the aftermath of the shooting.”
Dr. Perkins nodded his head before asking, “And the other part?”
“The other part?” Arizona repeated then paused. “The other part is me thinking maybe having kids…or a kid…wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Arizona, what made you let go of your own dream for Dr. Torres?”
“I realized I had a new dream. I wanted…I want a life with her,” Arizona admitted. Since their first date, Arizona was beyond smitten and even during their short lived break-up, she wasn’t sure how she would ever be able to move on from Callie.
Dr. Perkins gave Arizona a sad smile, “Then why do you think you’re fighting that dream?”
Arizona looked at him, defeat and sadness in her eyes. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to tell me?”
Dr. Perkins gave her a knowing smile, “No, I’m supposed to ask the questions that lead you to the answers. The answer that’s often obvious but you’re not ready to admit.”
Arizona fiddled with her hands, her gaze drifting to a painting on the wall before turning back to Dr. Perkins. “Callie’s amazing. In that ‘you can’t really be for real’ way. She’s everything that I never had in any of my past girlfriends. And other things I never even knew I wanted.”
Dr. Perkins nodded waiting for Arizona to continue.
“I’m scared. I know I’m scared. I just can’t seem to figure out what I’m scared of or more likely why its come up now and I can’t seem to get past it. Some days, I’m scared she’s going to leave me for any number of reasons, or decide I’m not the right one for her, or women in general aren’t for her. Which is unfair, I know, since she has never given me that indication but it’s like the wires are all crossed in my brain. Other days, it’s some variation of the kids topic - how my life would change, would I be a good mom…having a child with her only to lose that child because I couldn’t save them.” Arizona took a breath. “And those fears are being manifested in my dreams every night. Or more like nightmares. And no matter how great Callie has been these last few weeks, it’s like the break-up knocked loose these deep seeded fears and I can’t seem to just accept...accept that maybe we can actually have our happy ending,” Arizona ended her ramble, her lips together in a tight smile, and looking to Dr. Perkins for advice.
“Does Callie know about these nightmares?” Dr. Perkins asked.
“No, not really. I’ve always had nightmares and most of the time I’m pretty good about waking myself up before I wake her up. And if she does wake up, I haven’t been telling her what they’re really about,” Arizona looked down slightly embarrassed to be showing her weaknesses.
Dr. Perkins put his pen and paper to the side and leaned forward on his forearms that were resting on his desk. He barely knew Arizona and he knew even less about Callie but it was obvious to him how much they both valued their relationship. “It sounds to me like you’re the only one holding yourself back. From everything that I’ve heard, Callie is committed to you and your relationship. You need to make that same commitment.” He spoke strongly hoping Arizona was hearing his message. “You’re letting these unfounded fears take over. Let yourself be happy. Let yourself have the happily ever after that you both seem to be fighting for. Don’t let the fear of living a life without her actually cause you to live a life without her.”
Arizona stared back at Dr. Perkins processing all that he said. Deep down, she knew he was right. She had just needed someone else to point out the obvious. Letting out a deep sigh, Arizona nodded and stood up slowly from the chair. There really wasn’t much else to say. At least not to Dr. Perkins, Arizona thought, as she offered a quick but sincere thank you before heading out the door.
____________
Shortly after her impromptu conversation with Dr. Perkins, Arizona headed home stopping briefly outside Callie’s apartment building to gather her thoughts. She really wanted to have a cigarette to help her nerves but knew that Callie would smell it on her and it would further add to the hole Arizona had dug herself into.
She walked into the apartment noticing the living room was dark and void of both Callie and Christina and that the kitchen had been cleaned of all remnants of the dinner that they had started. Although, knowing Callie, she was certain that there was a dinner plate made up for her waiting in the refrigerator to be re-heated. Arizona heard some shuffling coming from Callie’s bedroom and made her way over, knowing that her nervous energy wasn’t going to allow her to eat anytime soon.
As she opened the door, she was shocked to see piles of clothes all throughout the bedroom - on the bed, the chair in the corner, and a stash of shoes in another pile by the dresser. She spotted Callie on her knees, leaning into her closet, partially obstructed from view.
“Hey,” Arizona greeted making her presence known. “Umm what are you doing?”
Callie jumped, startled at the interruption, before leaning back on her calves and looking at Arizona. “I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to clean. I started with the kitchen and then moved on to laundry. Then I realized how many clothes I have that I don’t wear so I decided to clean out my closet.”
Arizona knew the real reason for Callie’s inability to sleep and current cleaning binge was being left unsaid but decided to ease into the discussion. She glanced around again at the piles of clothes scattered throughout the bedroom. “Hmm, I can see that. What’s this pile?” Arizona questioned pointing to a pile on the bed.
“Give away,” Callie answered after taking a quick glance towards where Arizona was pointing then resuming her efforts in the closet.
Arizona plucked a t-shirt from the top, stripping off her scrub top and replacing it with the t-shirt.
As Callie turned to throw another pair of shoes in the pile outside of her closet, she smirked when she realized what Arizona was now wearing, “I didn’t mean for you.” Arizona just grinned back at Callie showing off her dimples, forcing Callie to let out a chuckle at her girlfriend’s antics.
Arizona plopped down at the foot of the bed facing Callie, putting her hands under her thighs and swinging her legs against the bed frame. “So what are the chances of clearing enough closet space for some of my things?”
“You already have clothes in here. And apparently my give away pile is shrinking so probably not very likely to happen,” Callie responded.
“Well what if I wanted to bring more things over. Like all my things?” Arizona asked nonchalantly.
Callie just stared at Arizona, her arms that were raised to inspect a pair of jeans dropping suddenly to her lap.
“What are you saying?” she asked with tone of uncertainty.
Letting out a deep breath, Arizona responded, “I may have freaked out earlier.” Callie quirked an eyebrow at Arizona. “Ok so I did freak out.”
Callie looked down at her watch to gauge how long Arizona had been gone before asking, “So what changed in the last four hours?”
“I found an avenue to discuss my fears and --."
“Who? Teddy?” Callie interrupted irritated. “Why can’t you talk to me? And what are you scared of?”
Arizona recoiled at Callie’s brief outburst. “No not Teddy. Dr. Perkins. And I know what you’re thinking. He kind of kicked off this whole…thing…between us after my meeting with him earlier. I didn’t intend to talk to him again. But I was stuck at the hospital and stewing over what happened earlier and what my reaction was and next thing I knew I was spilling my guts to him.”
“Great,” Callie groaned in frustration.
Arizona cocked her head to the side, her expression serious. “And I can talk to you. I want to talk to you. That’s what I’m trying to do right now.”
Callie took a deep breath standing up and leaning against the door frame of her closet with her arms crossed against her chest and spoke calmly. “Ok let’s talk. Tell me what you’re so afraid of. What would be so bad about moving in together?”
“I don’t think it’s really about physically moving in together. It’s about what it represents,” Arizona attempted to explain.
Callie looked quizzical not following Arizona’s explanation, “And what’s that? Us taking the next step to build our life together? Our future together? You think that’s bad?”
Arizona quickly shook her head. “No not bad. Just…I don’t know. Scary.”
Callie was getting frustrated again and it was getting harder to hold her emotions back. “Scary?! Moving in together scares you? You’re basically already living here! When was the last time you were even at your apartment?” Even as Callie was spewing the words, her brain flashed the answer before her. The last time Arizona was at her own apartment was two weeks ago when she had helped Arizona gather her things to bring back here. “Just a few weeks ago you told me not only that you couldn’t live without me but that we are having ten kids. Do you realize how hypocritical you are being?”
“Don’t you think I realize that? Don’t you know how badly my heart is screaming yes, but my head is screaming no?” Arizona exclaimed quickly getting frustrated herself and progressively getting louder. “So maybe instead of judging me and yelling at me, you could help me!”
Callie just stared at Arizona, who didn’t often let her emotions get the best of her. Arizona broke eye contact and reached up with her right hand to swipe at a loose tear that she hadn’t been able to hold in before staring at her shoes.
“Ok.”
“Ok?” Arizona asked unsure of Callie’s response.
“Ok. You’re right. I’m sorry for yelling,” Callie took a few steps before sitting down next to Arizona on her bed, careful to leave a space between them, and mirroring Arizona’s position as they both stared straight ahead at the closet. Callie broke first turning her head slightly to face Arizona, “So what did Dr. Perkins have to say?”
“Nothing I hadn’t already figured out myself,” Arizona replied softly still not making eye contact.
Callie raised her hand and softly turned Arizona’s chin towards her. “So then fill me in,” she pleaded into crystal blue eyes.
“Do you remember that first night in Fiji? I had that nightmare? And you held me and comforted me and basically was your always amazing self until I could fall back to sleep?” Arizona asked.
“Yes of course. You told me you had a flashback to when Gary Clark came in the exam room. Are you still having nightmares? Why aren’t you waking me up? You know I don’t mind,” Callie insisted, concerned about Arizona’s nightmares and that she thought she had to hide them again.
“Yeah…it wasn’t about that. Lately my nightmares have been about you,” Arizona confessed to Callie.
“Me? What about me?” Callie asked, surprised to hear this revelation.
Arizona attempted to answer but faltered in trying to find the right words. She paused again, collecting her thoughts once more, before speaking softly. “I never told you this but the morning after our second date I called my mom and I think I spent the better part of an hour talking to her about you. And we had only been on two dates. Two dates that were really great dates but still it was only two dates.” Callie smiled and gave a faint acknowledgement in agreement while she tried to gather where Arizona was going with this story.
“And when I finally stopped telling her about you, my mom told me I had met my soul mate. Just like that. No questions asked. And I know a lot of people don’t believe in soul mates but my mom does. She always has. She said she knew from the first time she went out with my dad that he was the one. And whenever my brother or I would break up with a girl or get shot down for a date, my mom was always quick to point out so many reasons why they weren’t our soul mate.”
Flashback:
Arizona had finally paused to take a breath after talking non-stop about the new girl in her life for at least the last ten minutes.
“You found your soul mate,” her mom concluded. It was said with no hesitation, no hint of a question.
Arizona laughed in response. “What?! Mom it’s only been two dates. We barely know each other.”
“Well then call it mother’s intuition but I’m telling you this is the girl you will be with forever.”
Although Arizona was hesitant to believe that could be determined so early in their relationship, she couldn’t help but ask. “How can you tell? You haven’t even met her.”
“Well I didn’t meet your last girlfriend either and I knew right off the bat that she was trouble.”
Arizona grinned recalling the ‘I told you so’ from her mother after she had told her about her last break-up. “Then what’s so different this time? My first couple of dates with Melissa went really well also.”
Arizona’s mom took a pause before speaking, her voice catching every so often with emotion. “Because darling I haven’t heard the sparkle in your voice in six years until today. And I know I may not have met her but I don’t need to. It’s enough to just hear about her from you. This Callie? She makes you sparkle again. It’s the first time in awhile I’ve heard that. You’re not hiding behind the façade of perkiness and smiles and wheelie shoes. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you found each other.” Arizona was pretty sure from the sniffles that her mom was trying to hold back her tears.
Arizona sighed. “I just hope she feels the same way.”
“Well she better. You’re a catch.”
Arizona laughed, “Gee thanks Mom.”
“When the right one comes along, things just have a way of falling into place. Just enjoy this. And Arizona - you deserve this. You deserve to be happy again. You deserve to sparkle again.” Her mom had always supported her, had helped her through the rough times, so Arizona wasn’t surprised when her mom said this. Nonetheless, Arizona found herself reaching for a tissue to wipe her own eyes.
Callie was stunned. “Wow. I hope I don’t let your mom down when I meet her,” she exhaled nervous about the high expectations Arizona’s mom apparently had of her.
“Oh trust me, you won’t,” Arizona turned her head, needing to look into Callie’s eyes as she spoke her next words. “She’s right you know. I may not have been as confident as my mom from day one but you are my soul mate. And I don’t know if you even believe in that or maybe you think it’s really cheesy or ‘Disney’ or whatever but I do believe it.” She had known from the start that Callie was different from all her other girlfriends. And not just because of her past dating history. After that conversation with her mom, Arizona had realized that Callie was the first woman she really could imagine spending the rest of her life with. But they both had baggage that could throw a black cloud over any relationship, and Arizona had been hesitant to be too optimistic, too afraid to look too far down the road.
“I used to believe it. I think I stopped after everything with George and how wrong I was about love. But it wasn’t until I met you that I realized who my true soul mate is,” Callie admitted.
Arizona gave a teary eyed smile. “You are an amazing catch. An amazing woman. And after the last few months, I’m so scared of disappointing you again. And you deserve the world Calliope.”
“Arizona -,” Callie started but was interrupted before she could say anything further.
Arizona moved her hand, squeezing Callie’s leg affectionately a silent signal that she had more that she needed to say. “Lately my nightmares aren’t about tiny coffins or even the shooting. They’re about all the ways I break your heart, or disappoint you, or let you down. Whether it’s now, or 10 years down the line or 20 years. And some of them are outrageous and some of them are so real and such a real possibility. You know how my brain goes into overdrive when I sleep,” Arizona scoffed. “The line between real life and my dreams is so blurred right now. So when you asked me earlier to move in, my head flashed back to my nightmares, to all the ways that we could go wrong, to all the ways that I could hurt you, or you could hurt me,” Arizona finally admitted to Callie.
Callie hadn’t been expecting that and didn’t have a chance to respond before Arizona continued, “You deserve someone who will make all your dreams come true. And what if I can’t do that? What if our differences over kids are just the first of many? What if there’s something else you don’t know about me yet? What if I disappoint you again? Because that’s all I’ve been seeing when I close my eyes at night.” Arizona’s voice rang with an air of desperation but she was relieved to finally have put her fears out there to Callie.
“I have a ring,” Callie stated bluntly. She knew this could completely backfire considering this whole conversation started with Arizona’s hesitance at moving in together but Callie was convinced the way to get Arizona over her fear of commitment was to show her that Callie wouldn’t be abandoning her. She wouldn’t be letting her go ever again.
“I bought it after we got back together. That morning before we left for Fiji, I went out and bought a ring. I thought I would propose in Fiji but that just seemed too…I don’t know, cliché, I guess. Or maybe just too quick after getting back together.”
Arizona sat stunned at this latest confession.
“And I’m not going to propose now because you deserve better. We deserve better. It’s not going to be in our bedroom after we’ve been fighting or whatever you want to call tonight. But I think you should know I have a ring and I plan on using it. Whenever we’re both ready. So you need to get that head of yours to match up to your heart because I’m not going anywhere. I’ve thought about my future and I want you in it. My dream is to spend forever with you. It’s as simple as that. I just want a life with you. And I hope we keep learning new things about each other. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? It’s what keeps the days interesting. And maybe sometimes it’s things that one of us doesn’t like but we’ll work through it. I’m promising you that we’ll work through it. And I think you need to do the same.”
Callie took Arizona’s left hand in both of hers eliminating the space that had remained between them. She could see the wheels spinning in Arizona’s brain as she processed all that she had said. Callie was content to let Arizona take her time. This was a talk that had been begging to be had for weeks but both girls were skillful in avoidance. But now, it was all out on the table. And they were better for it; their relationship was better for it, stronger for it.
After a few beats, Arizona looked at Callie who detected a mischievous glint in her eyes, replacing the turmoil that had been there all night. “Can I see the ring?”
“Ahh no. Not until it’s going on your finger,” Callie responded immediately and firmly.
“But Calliope…,” Arizona whined.
“Nope, not going to happen, no matter how much you pout or try to work your magic smile,” Callie said shaking her head. “But I will finish cleaning out my closet tomorrow so you can have half.”
“So I can move all my things over here?” Arizona hinted again.
Callie squeezed her hand affectionately. “Yup. I think we even have room for another dresser. And we can figure out the rest of your furniture later.”
“So why wait until tomorrow? I can help you finish sorting through everything,” Arizona responded, the youthful joy and eagerness back in her voice.
Callie stood up, letting go of Arizona’s hand, and started moving the clothes that were on her bed back to the closet. “I’d rather make up with you. And then after we make up, we need to celebrate you moving in here,” Callie gave a quick wink grinning at Arizona who broke out into a grin herself.
Arizona stood, reaching out to grasp Callie’s elbow, stopping her as she went back for more items on the bed. “Thank you,” she said gently looking into her girlfriend’s beautiful brown eyes. It was a thank you for so many things but no more words needed to be said between the two women.
Callie gave a faint nod of her head in acknowledgement before leaning over to capture her girlfriend’s lips, comforted that Arizona had finally been able to break down the walls that kept her fears so internalized. “I love you Arizona,” she said when their lingering kiss finally broke apart.
Arizona brought her hands to Callie’s face, letting her thumbs fall against the soft skin. “I love you, too,” she said softly before kissing Callie again. As their kiss deepened, they pulled their bodies closer together, begging each other to feel the emotions of the kiss that was so full of apologies, of forgiveness, of promises for the future, of love.
Callie took a step backwards to the bed, pulling Arizona with her. “On second thought, I don’t think you need to move your things over here. I’d be perfectly fine if you just had to be naked all the time,” Callie smiled, as she ran her hands along Arizona’s back, her hands sneaking underneath her shirt.
Arizona giggled, running her hands along Callie’s shoulders before tangling them in the hair that rested there. She smirked at the look Callie was currently shooting her way, “Of course you would. Lucky for me, my girlfriend has lots of clothes for me to choose from.” As they both fell back towards the bed, Arizona couldn’t help but laugh as Callie tore off the shirt that Arizona had pilfered out of her give away pile not too long ago, tossing it aimlessly towards the corner, before getting lost in the touch that she couldn’t ever imagine her life without.