it's just one of those days.
*sighs*
I honestly don't know what I want in life anymore, I have no clue who I am, if I'm actually content in my so-called relationship, or even if I like myself.
School day-by-day is becoming more and more of a meaningless, pointless thing, going on and on, flying past me everyday, without any actual relationship to my life, besides my parents money, and me sitting in class not actually there mentally, but physically. I have no clue what I want to do in life anymore, what I want to be...I mean I spent the longest time wanting to be involved in the film/photography industry...but that didn't work out due to lack of university degree for that at Trent, and my immense fear of moving schools and having to meet new people, and actually move again. The other big job I wanted to be involved in was the Funeral Business,..morbid I know, but it interests me, I wouldn't have to deal with many people to stress me out, only those that are grieving/mourning or those that are corpses. But yet again, another obstacle stands in my way, my parents. They (really my mother) decided I was not allowed to go to college, that I was not (and still am not) allowed to become a funeral director/mortician. So I changed my choices to fit into my settings and chose psychology...which failed miserably after the almost failing of psychology 100, and I moved on to my next interest....International Development and the United Nations... but even that isn't seeming to appeal to me, mostly because I know I'll never make it that far, my university is not ranked very highly.
On top of all this, I have an anxiety disorder...the definition that comes to mind to most people when they hear "anxiety disorder" is panic attacks and the like, but really thats a panic disorder. An anxiety disorder means that the individual (in this case me) has overly high levels of emotion, whether they be sadness, anger, happiness, or even just nervousness. It is generally not diagnosed as it usually consists of a series of symptoms of things found in ADD, manic depression, to some extent bipolar and of course my well-known one, insomnia.
Normally I can deal with all of it pretty well, but lately with my increased feelings of the total meaningless of my life, its actually bumming me out pretty badly.
I just want to be home...in whitby, not around my family really...and have everything the way it was when I was younger when I had Kaits to see whenever I wanted and we could talk for hours about teddy grahams, or playing soul caliber II with Elliott (..and losing horribly, but still having fun with it), and shopping with Jack when neither of us could really afford to spend alot of money (yet we did anyways).
On top of that, I have no clue what's going on in my relationship, I constantly have a gut feeling that Joao just keeps his true thoughts from me because he doesn't want to hurt me, and that he is just too busy to call me alot because he really isn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore...maybe I'm overanalyzing everything (maybe he is too tired from all the work he's been doing lately), and I should probably build my trust up in him again...but I don't even know if that's possible anymore...maybe I should be a bachlorette forever...at least then I wouldn't have to deal with the stress of men?
...and this doesn't even scratch the surface of everything...
maybe I am too complicated...
I honestly don't know what I want in life anymore, I have no clue who I am, if I'm actually content in my so-called relationship, or even if I like myself.
School day-by-day is becoming more and more of a meaningless, pointless thing, going on and on, flying past me everyday, without any actual relationship to my life, besides my parents money, and me sitting in class not actually there mentally, but physically. I have no clue what I want to do in life anymore, what I want to be...I mean I spent the longest time wanting to be involved in the film/photography industry...but that didn't work out due to lack of university degree for that at Trent, and my immense fear of moving schools and having to meet new people, and actually move again. The other big job I wanted to be involved in was the Funeral Business,..morbid I know, but it interests me, I wouldn't have to deal with many people to stress me out, only those that are grieving/mourning or those that are corpses. But yet again, another obstacle stands in my way, my parents. They (really my mother) decided I was not allowed to go to college, that I was not (and still am not) allowed to become a funeral director/mortician. So I changed my choices to fit into my settings and chose psychology...which failed miserably after the almost failing of psychology 100, and I moved on to my next interest....International Development and the United Nations... but even that isn't seeming to appeal to me, mostly because I know I'll never make it that far, my university is not ranked very highly.
On top of all this, I have an anxiety disorder...the definition that comes to mind to most people when they hear "anxiety disorder" is panic attacks and the like, but really thats a panic disorder. An anxiety disorder means that the individual (in this case me) has overly high levels of emotion, whether they be sadness, anger, happiness, or even just nervousness. It is generally not diagnosed as it usually consists of a series of symptoms of things found in ADD, manic depression, to some extent bipolar and of course my well-known one, insomnia.
Normally I can deal with all of it pretty well, but lately with my increased feelings of the total meaningless of my life, its actually bumming me out pretty badly.
I just want to be home...in whitby, not around my family really...and have everything the way it was when I was younger when I had Kaits to see whenever I wanted and we could talk for hours about teddy grahams, or playing soul caliber II with Elliott (..and losing horribly, but still having fun with it), and shopping with Jack when neither of us could really afford to spend alot of money (yet we did anyways).
On top of that, I have no clue what's going on in my relationship, I constantly have a gut feeling that Joao just keeps his true thoughts from me because he doesn't want to hurt me, and that he is just too busy to call me alot because he really isn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore...maybe I'm overanalyzing everything (maybe he is too tired from all the work he's been doing lately), and I should probably build my trust up in him again...but I don't even know if that's possible anymore...maybe I should be a bachlorette forever...at least then I wouldn't have to deal with the stress of men?
...and this doesn't even scratch the surface of everything...
maybe I am too complicated...