(no subject)
i have... its just... and its all...
stuck
i want to talk... but i dont know who i want to talk to... or what i want to say... everything i guess
i dont know where to stay
with an apology?
not mine... his...
no thats a terrible place to start
thursday lunch time i got my results... i am amanda smallwood BA (Hons) and you know when people don't tell you what grade they got its because theyre disappointed right?
so lets just leave it there...
im very proud of myself for passing... honestly... just disappointed with myself
thursday evening was 'city night' standing around while 'suits' shun my work... or praise me... or whatever... that was basically like a rubbish day working at lakeland... when they made us stand and smile and gaze into the distance
friday was 'friends and family night' matthew has been up since tuesday night and kate turned up on friday afternoon...
friday night was drinking in the streets... sitting on some steps crying... being turned away from a club for being so drunk i dropped my bag... drinking water... trying to start fights... eating noodles... coming home to go to bed and having a small party turn up in my kitchen...
saturday matthew left but kate stayed... we went for a bit of a dance again but the music was a disappointment... and we met 2 completely arrogant wankers both of whom i wanted to bunch ever so much... neither of which i punch... but i came very close in so much as squaring up to them...
sunday kate left and i discovered tv shack and watched the whole of series one of dexter...
monday was more dexter... as was today...
and now for the angst... so look away if you please
i received an apology... (and a few unanswered calls) and i still dont know what to say to that
"im sorry i got angry at you and stopped talking to you" - i thought i was the one who wasn't talking to him... but these confusions happen
i keep trying to form text messages... or emails... or something... but i the thought of talking to him... i think it makes me sadder than the thought of not talking to him...
i dont even know why... maybe i feel too lonely and talking to him just reminds me of the hope i held there...
right now i'm feeling very down on myself school... and love... and 'work... and home... and self-image... and... and none of my clothes fit anymore... either literally or i just feel like they look awful...
the rage of finding out that someone in my class has completely ripped off my work...
and im not being paranoid... i had a crit with her at chrsitmas and there was no sign of this 'theme' in her work... she saw my work... full of repeated texts (in various forms... typed, printed, stamped) and i hadnt seen her work since
but turns out shes been working on emulating me badly ever since...
a photograph of a pot plant on a table... the wall papered in and the table covered in a4 sheets with computer printed repeated texts (so badly done... ie. having all the boarders still there when the sheets are next to each other... completely ruining the whole 'repeated/seemless' feeling) and i'm really... so... very... angry...
but i'm getting over it... because she did it badly... and she doesnt even want to "do" art after... i'm just really pissed off she got a better mark than me...
aaarh the rage was subsiding... but now i'm pissed off again...
i have to pack... friday my parents are coming up to glasgow for my graduation ceremony... and then they're taking as much of my things back with them as they can...
all i want to do is curl up in bed and maybe watch series 8 of csi... or series 4 of house...
god i'm sick of talking... i'm sick of not saying what i really want to say... i'm sick of not talking to the people i want to talk to...
so...
what next?
stuck
i want to talk... but i dont know who i want to talk to... or what i want to say... everything i guess
i dont know where to stay
with an apology?
not mine... his...
no thats a terrible place to start
thursday lunch time i got my results... i am amanda smallwood BA (Hons) and you know when people don't tell you what grade they got its because theyre disappointed right?
so lets just leave it there...
im very proud of myself for passing... honestly... just disappointed with myself
thursday evening was 'city night' standing around while 'suits' shun my work... or praise me... or whatever... that was basically like a rubbish day working at lakeland... when they made us stand and smile and gaze into the distance
friday was 'friends and family night' matthew has been up since tuesday night and kate turned up on friday afternoon...
friday night was drinking in the streets... sitting on some steps crying... being turned away from a club for being so drunk i dropped my bag... drinking water... trying to start fights... eating noodles... coming home to go to bed and having a small party turn up in my kitchen...
saturday matthew left but kate stayed... we went for a bit of a dance again but the music was a disappointment... and we met 2 completely arrogant wankers both of whom i wanted to bunch ever so much... neither of which i punch... but i came very close in so much as squaring up to them...
sunday kate left and i discovered tv shack and watched the whole of series one of dexter...
monday was more dexter... as was today...
and now for the angst... so look away if you please
i received an apology... (and a few unanswered calls) and i still dont know what to say to that
"im sorry i got angry at you and stopped talking to you" - i thought i was the one who wasn't talking to him... but these confusions happen
i keep trying to form text messages... or emails... or something... but i the thought of talking to him... i think it makes me sadder than the thought of not talking to him...
i dont even know why... maybe i feel too lonely and talking to him just reminds me of the hope i held there...
right now i'm feeling very down on myself school... and love... and 'work... and home... and self-image... and... and none of my clothes fit anymore... either literally or i just feel like they look awful...
the rage of finding out that someone in my class has completely ripped off my work...
and im not being paranoid... i had a crit with her at chrsitmas and there was no sign of this 'theme' in her work... she saw my work... full of repeated texts (in various forms... typed, printed, stamped) and i hadnt seen her work since
but turns out shes been working on emulating me badly ever since...
a photograph of a pot plant on a table... the wall papered in and the table covered in a4 sheets with computer printed repeated texts (so badly done... ie. having all the boarders still there when the sheets are next to each other... completely ruining the whole 'repeated/seemless' feeling) and i'm really... so... very... angry...
but i'm getting over it... because she did it badly... and she doesnt even want to "do" art after... i'm just really pissed off she got a better mark than me...
aaarh the rage was subsiding... but now i'm pissed off again...
i have to pack... friday my parents are coming up to glasgow for my graduation ceremony... and then they're taking as much of my things back with them as they can...
all i want to do is curl up in bed and maybe watch series 8 of csi... or series 4 of house...
god i'm sick of talking... i'm sick of not saying what i really want to say... i'm sick of not talking to the people i want to talk to...
so...
what next?