you deserve everything you get
its been... yea.. a while
i've got one week left... this time next sunday it'll be out of my hands
and i think i'm ok... i think it's ok... i havent really been allowing myself to think about it
when i use to work in a shop i liked all of the repetitive jobs... if i had to unwrap clothes... write price tags... attach tags and then attach security tags i'd do each step completely before i moved on... all clothes unwrapped... all tags written.. etc...
i like knowing what im going to be doing for a certain amount of time and i like not having to worry about anything else
when i go swimming i tell myself i'll do 60 laps... and then i leave
when im working i tell myself i'm going to send myself enough faxes until this roll finishes... and then... if its not too late... and if i still feel controlled by the motions then i'll move onto the next roll... and then maybe i'll set myself a date... maybe i'll work up to a specific date tonight
i spent all afternoon stamping... something like 20feet of white paper roll with the phrase "this may be the year i disappear"
this evening its one fax a day since 14th december 2006... including changing the date on 2 fax machines... untill 11th february and then however much more i can do tonight
im not sleeping these days... circumstance always win... my head always beats my body when it comes to sleep... i dont know if its worry about school... or that feeling of being terminal... that sleeping alone will be the rest of my life... or maybe i'm sad because for the first time in a very long time i've made a choice... to lose a friend...
friends drift away usually... i have this idea about 2 friends slowly turning away from each other... and then not realising they're both walking away... and that this isnt meant to be cruel... it just happens...
well i'm making a conscious decision to walk away... i cant be his friend right now... if at all... he isn't a good friend... not right now... i'm not even sure if he ever was... i keep blaming myself but i cant keep doing that... when we talk i'm a good friend... i keep the conversations running by asking questions about him... but he has no interest in me... and this feels too much like punishment
maybe i'm not sleeping because i'm still upset that things changed at all... i'm upset that i cant make this work as a friendship right now... in fact... im pretty sure i cant make it work as a friendship at all... thats down to him...
this is going no where... i'm not going to achieve anything by writing this...
not so secretly... i do this so these people in my life who i doubt will turn around and rise to the occasion... he's not being a good friend... and i want to tell him i'm not talking to him (i always want to tell people i'm not talking to them) so he apologises... so he rises to the occasion... so he becomes a good friend...
but selfishness will stand in our way... mine and his... i think im a very demading friend... but in return i think i'm a good friend... i have a lot of time for my friend... all i ask is for them to have some time for me... right now he has no time for me... he doesnt even have time to confide in me the problems he is clearly going through... so he doesnt deserve my friendship... because i cant make small talk about football matches or peep show... or company sports days... i cant sit there and pretend everything is ok
i'm feeling pretty raw... between the thoughts in my head... the terrible things happening in the world right now... and the melodramatic fictional romantic trauma i'm inflicting on myself in order to get me through the worry of failing (read as: not doing as well as i know i could do) at something i've given 7 years of my life to... i'm pretty raw... crying... not sleeping... and not talking...
theres a reason i'm writing this today... and i think thats because i spoke to kate on the phone... real words... i spent the afternoon with rob on friday... but we spoke about cars... and difficult friends... and interviews and spirit levels... they weren't real words because i wasnt really sure how to say them... so this is me trying again...
i need to get back to faxing... and watching greys anatomy...
2 of my favourite singers at the moment are coming to glasow on the 6th and 9th of june... and i have to wait until next monday to get tickets (how ridiculous are the booking fee/postage fees on ticket master?! £5 on top of the ticket price!! fuck that)
if you dont have music by thea gilmore or laura marling... you should... right now
i've got one week left... this time next sunday it'll be out of my hands
and i think i'm ok... i think it's ok... i havent really been allowing myself to think about it
when i use to work in a shop i liked all of the repetitive jobs... if i had to unwrap clothes... write price tags... attach tags and then attach security tags i'd do each step completely before i moved on... all clothes unwrapped... all tags written.. etc...
i like knowing what im going to be doing for a certain amount of time and i like not having to worry about anything else
when i go swimming i tell myself i'll do 60 laps... and then i leave
when im working i tell myself i'm going to send myself enough faxes until this roll finishes... and then... if its not too late... and if i still feel controlled by the motions then i'll move onto the next roll... and then maybe i'll set myself a date... maybe i'll work up to a specific date tonight
i spent all afternoon stamping... something like 20feet of white paper roll with the phrase "this may be the year i disappear"
this evening its one fax a day since 14th december 2006... including changing the date on 2 fax machines... untill 11th february and then however much more i can do tonight
im not sleeping these days... circumstance always win... my head always beats my body when it comes to sleep... i dont know if its worry about school... or that feeling of being terminal... that sleeping alone will be the rest of my life... or maybe i'm sad because for the first time in a very long time i've made a choice... to lose a friend...
friends drift away usually... i have this idea about 2 friends slowly turning away from each other... and then not realising they're both walking away... and that this isnt meant to be cruel... it just happens...
well i'm making a conscious decision to walk away... i cant be his friend right now... if at all... he isn't a good friend... not right now... i'm not even sure if he ever was... i keep blaming myself but i cant keep doing that... when we talk i'm a good friend... i keep the conversations running by asking questions about him... but he has no interest in me... and this feels too much like punishment
maybe i'm not sleeping because i'm still upset that things changed at all... i'm upset that i cant make this work as a friendship right now... in fact... im pretty sure i cant make it work as a friendship at all... thats down to him...
this is going no where... i'm not going to achieve anything by writing this...
not so secretly... i do this so these people in my life who i doubt will turn around and rise to the occasion... he's not being a good friend... and i want to tell him i'm not talking to him (i always want to tell people i'm not talking to them) so he apologises... so he rises to the occasion... so he becomes a good friend...
but selfishness will stand in our way... mine and his... i think im a very demading friend... but in return i think i'm a good friend... i have a lot of time for my friend... all i ask is for them to have some time for me... right now he has no time for me... he doesnt even have time to confide in me the problems he is clearly going through... so he doesnt deserve my friendship... because i cant make small talk about football matches or peep show... or company sports days... i cant sit there and pretend everything is ok
i'm feeling pretty raw... between the thoughts in my head... the terrible things happening in the world right now... and the melodramatic fictional romantic trauma i'm inflicting on myself in order to get me through the worry of failing (read as: not doing as well as i know i could do) at something i've given 7 years of my life to... i'm pretty raw... crying... not sleeping... and not talking...
theres a reason i'm writing this today... and i think thats because i spoke to kate on the phone... real words... i spent the afternoon with rob on friday... but we spoke about cars... and difficult friends... and interviews and spirit levels... they weren't real words because i wasnt really sure how to say them... so this is me trying again...
i need to get back to faxing... and watching greys anatomy...
2 of my favourite singers at the moment are coming to glasow on the 6th and 9th of june... and i have to wait until next monday to get tickets (how ridiculous are the booking fee/postage fees on ticket master?! £5 on top of the ticket price!! fuck that)
if you dont have music by thea gilmore or laura marling... you should... right now