I should be learning chemistry and how to sing
"I left the south
I travelled north
I got confused I killed a horse
I can't help the way I feel..."
That line never ceases to make me laugh aloud.
I have been loving all over The Smiths lately.
Morrissey is just so silly and serious and sad and beautiful and ridiculous all at the same time. Not unlike me! Only I am hardly any kind of a musician. And he sings about being inept and ill and lonely and in love. Like me.
I would very very very much like for my ukulele to be tuned so I can fucking at least try to play. It is therapeutic and helps me smoke less. I would also like a banjo someday. And perhaps a jarana, which is basically a Mexican ukulele with more strings and a fuller sound.
Christal and I visited Jody yesterday in whatever rehab/halfway house place he is at. It was very good to see him. He is doing a lot better. He looks clean and healthy. He is still obsessing over his past delusions and fucked up things he did/said to people while manic and/or on drugs. He's still obsessing over weird bible things and god and armageddon. He thought my mom was a satanist posing as a christian. He thought I was Shiva. He went into a k-hole many years ago and ended up where ne is now. He wanted me to bring him Zecharia Sitchin books and I said no. I am going to try to bring him a cd player and cds. I want to bring him books as well but I'm not sure what I should bring. He's not manic anymore and on psych meds but I know he is so scared and sad and lonely and it breaks my heart. He will be in these various places for another 5 weeks or so and as far as I can tell will be getting backpay and reinstation of his SSI and hopefully housing somewhere in the bay area. I hope he stays clean when he gets out. He says he will. He wants to run away to Detroit and keeps asking us if he should. We keep telling him no. I hope he does not. He needs a support system. He needs to forgive himself and realize that most of his friends have/will too. Even if is "family" won't, who basically ran away and abandoned him when he needed them most, and blamed everything on him. Fucking jerks.
I feel kind of crazy myself lately. I don't know if it's the Zoloft or my menstrual cycles/hormones or Barrett or what. But my moods change rapidly throughout the day. This is not normal for me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I will talk to my psychiatrist. I still haven't upped my dose of Zoloft from 25mg to 50mg because it's still giving me terrible nasty diarrhea/GI issues after three weeks. I mean, diarrhea is a minor thing really. But I have a sort of irrational fear of it. Because I cannot help but to always associate it with my periods and terrible intense pain and everything that goes along with that.
Phil visited a couple of weekends ago and it was very nice. We listened to lots of Smiths and overdosed on coffee and cigarettes and had lots of probing psychoanalytical self-analysis advice supportive conversations as we always do when we spend time together.
Chris S. and his new woman may be moving to the bay area relatively soon. This makes me happy. They also visited for a day which was nice, although I could not fully enjoy it due to evil demon babies. Chris always cheers me up and makes me laugh too much. It is good for me.
I also had a good night recently with Meghan and Christal. We stayed up until 4+AM yelling and talking and laughing and having girly conversations. It made me feel very nice. God, I need some new adjectives for my feelings.
Another nice thing, Jovan called me unexpectedly a few nights ago. We also had a really good conversation until 4+AM. He is ready to talk to me and be friends again. I am a little scared but I think it will be okay. If it's not we can always give it more time.
I still miss Barrett. It's more bearable at some times than others. It is confusing. I am hoping he will be my Halloween date for Meghan's wedding. I hope it is not months before I see him again. I am also starting to hate hope. There are very many problems inherently associated with hope. I do not feel like going into them right now. I need to replace the word/concept with something else. I am not yet exactly sure what.
I am wanting to write more and better things. I have never ever ever written fiction before. It has intimidated and baffled me more than any kind of science ever has (which is no longer so intimidating to me). But I have been considering it as of late.
I have not been enjoying the heat. Even though I am usually cold most of the time. But I feel sad that Summer has ended. And the coming of Winter brings me some anxiety.
I hope I have a doctor by then so that I can go to India.
Time is so fast and slow.
I travelled north
I got confused I killed a horse
I can't help the way I feel..."
That line never ceases to make me laugh aloud.
I have been loving all over The Smiths lately.
Morrissey is just so silly and serious and sad and beautiful and ridiculous all at the same time. Not unlike me! Only I am hardly any kind of a musician. And he sings about being inept and ill and lonely and in love. Like me.
I would very very very much like for my ukulele to be tuned so I can fucking at least try to play. It is therapeutic and helps me smoke less. I would also like a banjo someday. And perhaps a jarana, which is basically a Mexican ukulele with more strings and a fuller sound.
Christal and I visited Jody yesterday in whatever rehab/halfway house place he is at. It was very good to see him. He is doing a lot better. He looks clean and healthy. He is still obsessing over his past delusions and fucked up things he did/said to people while manic and/or on drugs. He's still obsessing over weird bible things and god and armageddon. He thought my mom was a satanist posing as a christian. He thought I was Shiva. He went into a k-hole many years ago and ended up where ne is now. He wanted me to bring him Zecharia Sitchin books and I said no. I am going to try to bring him a cd player and cds. I want to bring him books as well but I'm not sure what I should bring. He's not manic anymore and on psych meds but I know he is so scared and sad and lonely and it breaks my heart. He will be in these various places for another 5 weeks or so and as far as I can tell will be getting backpay and reinstation of his SSI and hopefully housing somewhere in the bay area. I hope he stays clean when he gets out. He says he will. He wants to run away to Detroit and keeps asking us if he should. We keep telling him no. I hope he does not. He needs a support system. He needs to forgive himself and realize that most of his friends have/will too. Even if is "family" won't, who basically ran away and abandoned him when he needed them most, and blamed everything on him. Fucking jerks.
I feel kind of crazy myself lately. I don't know if it's the Zoloft or my menstrual cycles/hormones or Barrett or what. But my moods change rapidly throughout the day. This is not normal for me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I will talk to my psychiatrist. I still haven't upped my dose of Zoloft from 25mg to 50mg because it's still giving me terrible nasty diarrhea/GI issues after three weeks. I mean, diarrhea is a minor thing really. But I have a sort of irrational fear of it. Because I cannot help but to always associate it with my periods and terrible intense pain and everything that goes along with that.
Phil visited a couple of weekends ago and it was very nice. We listened to lots of Smiths and overdosed on coffee and cigarettes and had lots of probing psychoanalytical self-analysis advice supportive conversations as we always do when we spend time together.
Chris S. and his new woman may be moving to the bay area relatively soon. This makes me happy. They also visited for a day which was nice, although I could not fully enjoy it due to evil demon babies. Chris always cheers me up and makes me laugh too much. It is good for me.
I also had a good night recently with Meghan and Christal. We stayed up until 4+AM yelling and talking and laughing and having girly conversations. It made me feel very nice. God, I need some new adjectives for my feelings.
Another nice thing, Jovan called me unexpectedly a few nights ago. We also had a really good conversation until 4+AM. He is ready to talk to me and be friends again. I am a little scared but I think it will be okay. If it's not we can always give it more time.
I still miss Barrett. It's more bearable at some times than others. It is confusing. I am hoping he will be my Halloween date for Meghan's wedding. I hope it is not months before I see him again. I am also starting to hate hope. There are very many problems inherently associated with hope. I do not feel like going into them right now. I need to replace the word/concept with something else. I am not yet exactly sure what.
I am wanting to write more and better things. I have never ever ever written fiction before. It has intimidated and baffled me more than any kind of science ever has (which is no longer so intimidating to me). But I have been considering it as of late.
I have not been enjoying the heat. Even though I am usually cold most of the time. But I feel sad that Summer has ended. And the coming of Winter brings me some anxiety.
I hope I have a doctor by then so that I can go to India.
Time is so fast and slow.