How the Pharmaceutical Industry Transformed Me from a Chihuahua Into a Human
I have a psychiatrist now, Dr. O. Choi. He appears to be young, professional, intelligent, and competent. As of now he is prescribing me 1-2 mg of clonazepam per day as needed. I'm thrilled. In fact, every single staff member I interacted with at county mental health was wonderful. They actually listened to me, they were logical and gave me good advice, and didn't treat me like a drug addict or crazy woman. They were nice and understanding. Despite my anxiety and skepticism going in, it ended up being a smooth, simple process.
They gave me a list of cheap therapists in the area and a handout of patient's rights and responsibilities with some interesting information. I'm not sure if this is part of the new pain care act or just old news, but number nine states that as a patient I have the right to "Appropriate assessment and management of your pain, information about pain, pain relief measures and to participate in pain management decisions. You may request or reject the use of any or all modalities to relieve the pain, including opiate medication, if you suffer from severe chronic intractable pain. The doctor may refuse to prescribe opiate medication, but if so, must inform you that there are physicians who specialize in the treatment of severe chronic pain with methods that include the use of opiates." Maybe this is really obvious to most people, but due to the way I've consistently been treated by doctors, I've always felt guilty and ashamed for the kind of medical treatment I expected and felt I needed.
I like the clonazepam because it doesn't feel as strong as alprazolam yet it is also longer acting. I can take one in the morning and one in the afternoon or evening. Although it is difficult to avoid taking it in conjunction with caffeine, which one of the nice ladies advised since caffeine interferes with the drug's absorption and effectiveness. Personally, I feel a huge difference. I'm not bed ridden or house bound anymore. I answer the phone when people call. I actually call people myself and initiate meetings. When people ask me how I'm doing for the first time in a long time I can honestly say well. I don't avoid eye contact and conversation with my mother. The ever-present ball of nausea in the pit of my stomach that causes me to writhe around in bed, pace the halls, and rhythmically rock back and forth is gone!!! I can usually go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I've regained lost motivation and inspiration to work on creative projects. I've been writing "poetry" and drawing. I've been cleaning the house. I've been leaving the house. I've also been eating more and my bowel movements seem more regular, but I'm not sure if that is directly connected to the medicine or not.
Others have also noticed differences. My sister and Meghan both noted that my voice doesn't shake and crack anymore (which I didn't even realize), and also that my body does not shake as much; in Meghan's words, I'm less chihuahua like.
So far I have only noticed one minorly problematic side effect. It seems to cause a strange dyslexia-like kind of thing. I will often use an incorrect word that sounds similar to the one I'm intending to use, or I will use words in the wrong order. Also, I find myself sometimes combining two or more words at the same time. It can be embarassing in some situations, but it's also kind of funny. For example when I was talking to someone I meant to say "quiet and shy" but I think I ended up saying "quy." hehehehehe. These things happen in both speech and writing. Although clearly I am more easily able to catch them in writing. With speech it can be unsettling because sometimes I'm not sure if I've actually done one of these things or if I just think I have.
It may merely be a common side effect of the drug. But a theory I have is that it could just be that since my anxiety has been dramatically reduced, especially in areas of communication, (which is where I previously had the most problems) my brain is somehow overcompensating or working much more quickly than it has in the past. I'm not afraid to just babble away quickly and for long periods of time anymore without thoroughly analyzing, criticizing, filtering, and rehearsing it all in my mind before I speak. There's no doubt that this is an absolutely, indescribably, amazingly joyful thing for me. But I think it does mean that I'm going to need to learn some new communication skills that I never imagined I would need. Because I no longer fear hastily and openly speaking my mind, I'll have to focus more on doing so in ways that are appropriate and tactful, especially considering that in general, I tend to be highly critical (although not necessarily negatively) of everything and everyone.
I cleaned up the garage a bit and have a nice art space going on. I've been taking a few photos, editing some self portraits, and working on a sketch. This week I have another appointment with my psychiatrist, a friend coming up to visit, and hopefully an informal job interview. Meghan and Sandra expressed interest in doing fitness stuff with me. Now I just need to find my special rehab stretches and exercises for people like me who are physically challenged.
I really want a tattoo and high heels. I also dearly miss Mexico.
My aunt Nirmala from India is visiting next week and I might go to India in Winter.
They gave me a list of cheap therapists in the area and a handout of patient's rights and responsibilities with some interesting information. I'm not sure if this is part of the new pain care act or just old news, but number nine states that as a patient I have the right to "Appropriate assessment and management of your pain, information about pain, pain relief measures and to participate in pain management decisions. You may request or reject the use of any or all modalities to relieve the pain, including opiate medication, if you suffer from severe chronic intractable pain. The doctor may refuse to prescribe opiate medication, but if so, must inform you that there are physicians who specialize in the treatment of severe chronic pain with methods that include the use of opiates." Maybe this is really obvious to most people, but due to the way I've consistently been treated by doctors, I've always felt guilty and ashamed for the kind of medical treatment I expected and felt I needed.
I like the clonazepam because it doesn't feel as strong as alprazolam yet it is also longer acting. I can take one in the morning and one in the afternoon or evening. Although it is difficult to avoid taking it in conjunction with caffeine, which one of the nice ladies advised since caffeine interferes with the drug's absorption and effectiveness. Personally, I feel a huge difference. I'm not bed ridden or house bound anymore. I answer the phone when people call. I actually call people myself and initiate meetings. When people ask me how I'm doing for the first time in a long time I can honestly say well. I don't avoid eye contact and conversation with my mother. The ever-present ball of nausea in the pit of my stomach that causes me to writhe around in bed, pace the halls, and rhythmically rock back and forth is gone!!! I can usually go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I've regained lost motivation and inspiration to work on creative projects. I've been writing "poetry" and drawing. I've been cleaning the house. I've been leaving the house. I've also been eating more and my bowel movements seem more regular, but I'm not sure if that is directly connected to the medicine or not.
Others have also noticed differences. My sister and Meghan both noted that my voice doesn't shake and crack anymore (which I didn't even realize), and also that my body does not shake as much; in Meghan's words, I'm less chihuahua like.
So far I have only noticed one minorly problematic side effect. It seems to cause a strange dyslexia-like kind of thing. I will often use an incorrect word that sounds similar to the one I'm intending to use, or I will use words in the wrong order. Also, I find myself sometimes combining two or more words at the same time. It can be embarassing in some situations, but it's also kind of funny. For example when I was talking to someone I meant to say "quiet and shy" but I think I ended up saying "quy." hehehehehe. These things happen in both speech and writing. Although clearly I am more easily able to catch them in writing. With speech it can be unsettling because sometimes I'm not sure if I've actually done one of these things or if I just think I have.
It may merely be a common side effect of the drug. But a theory I have is that it could just be that since my anxiety has been dramatically reduced, especially in areas of communication, (which is where I previously had the most problems) my brain is somehow overcompensating or working much more quickly than it has in the past. I'm not afraid to just babble away quickly and for long periods of time anymore without thoroughly analyzing, criticizing, filtering, and rehearsing it all in my mind before I speak. There's no doubt that this is an absolutely, indescribably, amazingly joyful thing for me. But I think it does mean that I'm going to need to learn some new communication skills that I never imagined I would need. Because I no longer fear hastily and openly speaking my mind, I'll have to focus more on doing so in ways that are appropriate and tactful, especially considering that in general, I tend to be highly critical (although not necessarily negatively) of everything and everyone.
I cleaned up the garage a bit and have a nice art space going on. I've been taking a few photos, editing some self portraits, and working on a sketch. This week I have another appointment with my psychiatrist, a friend coming up to visit, and hopefully an informal job interview. Meghan and Sandra expressed interest in doing fitness stuff with me. Now I just need to find my special rehab stretches and exercises for people like me who are physically challenged.
I really want a tattoo and high heels. I also dearly miss Mexico.
My aunt Nirmala from India is visiting next week and I might go to India in Winter.