Chester Bennington Suicide & Depression
When I was in high school I went through bouts of depression, though I'd consider myself lucky. I was bogged down for a few years, but I was able to bounce back and even though it still hits me from time to time, it's not nearly as devastating as it used to be.
The waves of lethargy never did leave me back then, even after sleeping for what seemed like forever. The feeling of not wanting to get up out of bed, not wanting to shower or do anything worth while. Hoping I could waste away to nothingness in the comfort of my bed with my tear soaked pillows. My mother thought she was being coy by saying she "needed" me to come with her to go grocery shopping or out to a place slightly further than the city limits. Each car ride was exactly the same - I'd stare out of the window and not say a word. She would poke, prod, and ask what's wrong, how I was. Some car rides were better than others depending on my mood that day. On my worst days it would feel like she was pulling teeth or performing an exorcism, and likewise I'd scream.
I never did thank her. She was (what felt like) the only light trying to push itself through the dank, dark fog. Luckily she pulled me out of the house enough times for me to start feeling normal - I started feeling new experiences, and good feelings. She believed in me and her attitude rubbed off on me.
When I learned about Chester's suicide, I couldn't help but remain in disbelief. Why would someone as mature, and wise with so much leave it all behind? Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't make life any better if you have dark places you don't have anyone to pull you out of. Linkin Park was one out of many bands I listened to in order to cope with my sadness. The raw anger, the authentic screaming, the connection as if they understood my pain and I, theirs. It sucked, but at least I wasn't alone.
I drove home from work yesterday listening to Hybrid Theory when not even halfway I found myself bawling my eyes out. When you can't suppress the precarious thoughts you will never be able to get out of your head. There will always be the negativity in the back of your mind doubting everything you do. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with such calamitous depression for so many years having it follow you into adulthood. He was a good friend of Chris Cornell who also died by suicide just a day before Linkin Park released their latest CD. Perhaps that was the final trigger. When someone so near and dear to you leaves, how can you cope?
I think about death often - as morbid as that sounds. I try to prepare myself for the moment when or if it happens because I don't think I'd be able to handle another lapse of depression that was as bad as it was before. I had a much smaller relapse in 2012, but to cope with it I made plans with friends almost daily to keep the noise in my brain going, because if I left it alone in silence for even a second the sadness would wash over me, and I'd start again at square one.
For example, my dog turned 3 on July 19th, and even though I'm happy she's growing up I teared up thinking about only having another ~10 years with her before she won't be there anymore. She's a staple to my happiness, we have the same routine every day, and each time she puts a smile on my face. Thinking about that not being there in the future makes me lapse back just a little, but after a few hours I'm fine again. Thinking about losing my mother (at whatever age, could be in a year or in 40 years), is also a recurring thought/scenario. She's been there for me, gone through so much, yet another staple to my happiness. There are only but so many staples you can lose until everything comes undone. I'm hoping that Chris will be able to sew up the wound but will he be strong enough to stand by it? My mother never gave up, not matter how difficult I was being, but would someone who feels they've tried it one too many times give up? What if I drain the person trying to save me and they just leave me there - to rot in the decay of a feeble mind.
Unfortunately life gets harder as an adult. You're more isolated with many responsibilities. You see your best friends maybe once in a few weeks if you're lucky, maybe once or twice a year if you're not. The people who would usually give you all the time in the world have their own families and responsibilities to take care of. Even though Chester was surrounded by his band-mates and friends, no one really tapped in to how he was dealing with the loss of a very close friend. A friend he could confide and connect with over similar destructive thoughts and drug abuse. You can hear the pain in his voice and see the pain in his face when he's performing One More Light on Jimmy Kimmel. Unfortunately, the day he took his life, his wife and kids were away and no one close to him was at the house. The noise in his head got too loud for him to take and he decided to end it once and for all. Depression is a hell of a trip, and I'd never wish it upon even my worse enemies.
Rest in peace, Chester. May your soul disperse among the ether.
The waves of lethargy never did leave me back then, even after sleeping for what seemed like forever. The feeling of not wanting to get up out of bed, not wanting to shower or do anything worth while. Hoping I could waste away to nothingness in the comfort of my bed with my tear soaked pillows. My mother thought she was being coy by saying she "needed" me to come with her to go grocery shopping or out to a place slightly further than the city limits. Each car ride was exactly the same - I'd stare out of the window and not say a word. She would poke, prod, and ask what's wrong, how I was. Some car rides were better than others depending on my mood that day. On my worst days it would feel like she was pulling teeth or performing an exorcism, and likewise I'd scream.
I never did thank her. She was (what felt like) the only light trying to push itself through the dank, dark fog. Luckily she pulled me out of the house enough times for me to start feeling normal - I started feeling new experiences, and good feelings. She believed in me and her attitude rubbed off on me.
When I learned about Chester's suicide, I couldn't help but remain in disbelief. Why would someone as mature, and wise with so much leave it all behind? Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't make life any better if you have dark places you don't have anyone to pull you out of. Linkin Park was one out of many bands I listened to in order to cope with my sadness. The raw anger, the authentic screaming, the connection as if they understood my pain and I, theirs. It sucked, but at least I wasn't alone.
I drove home from work yesterday listening to Hybrid Theory when not even halfway I found myself bawling my eyes out. When you can't suppress the precarious thoughts you will never be able to get out of your head. There will always be the negativity in the back of your mind doubting everything you do. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with such calamitous depression for so many years having it follow you into adulthood. He was a good friend of Chris Cornell who also died by suicide just a day before Linkin Park released their latest CD. Perhaps that was the final trigger. When someone so near and dear to you leaves, how can you cope?
I think about death often - as morbid as that sounds. I try to prepare myself for the moment when or if it happens because I don't think I'd be able to handle another lapse of depression that was as bad as it was before. I had a much smaller relapse in 2012, but to cope with it I made plans with friends almost daily to keep the noise in my brain going, because if I left it alone in silence for even a second the sadness would wash over me, and I'd start again at square one.
For example, my dog turned 3 on July 19th, and even though I'm happy she's growing up I teared up thinking about only having another ~10 years with her before she won't be there anymore. She's a staple to my happiness, we have the same routine every day, and each time she puts a smile on my face. Thinking about that not being there in the future makes me lapse back just a little, but after a few hours I'm fine again. Thinking about losing my mother (at whatever age, could be in a year or in 40 years), is also a recurring thought/scenario. She's been there for me, gone through so much, yet another staple to my happiness. There are only but so many staples you can lose until everything comes undone. I'm hoping that Chris will be able to sew up the wound but will he be strong enough to stand by it? My mother never gave up, not matter how difficult I was being, but would someone who feels they've tried it one too many times give up? What if I drain the person trying to save me and they just leave me there - to rot in the decay of a feeble mind.
Unfortunately life gets harder as an adult. You're more isolated with many responsibilities. You see your best friends maybe once in a few weeks if you're lucky, maybe once or twice a year if you're not. The people who would usually give you all the time in the world have their own families and responsibilities to take care of. Even though Chester was surrounded by his band-mates and friends, no one really tapped in to how he was dealing with the loss of a very close friend. A friend he could confide and connect with over similar destructive thoughts and drug abuse. You can hear the pain in his voice and see the pain in his face when he's performing One More Light on Jimmy Kimmel. Unfortunately, the day he took his life, his wife and kids were away and no one close to him was at the house. The noise in his head got too loud for him to take and he decided to end it once and for all. Depression is a hell of a trip, and I'd never wish it upon even my worse enemies.
Rest in peace, Chester. May your soul disperse among the ether.