Not for the faint of heart
So many memories, Such a long past, I hate the thoughts of you, Forever they seem to last
I can't stop thinkin about when I wrote that. It's about *someone* I don't like anymore (not a guy). I feel bad cause it's like I hate her with such a passion and I don't want to. She was my best friend since like fourth grade and she messed up once and it killed our relationship like BAM. It woulda been better if she hadn't been messin stuff up for so long and then just dropped that huge load on me, and it woulda helped if she would've explained, but she didn't. I feel bad for hateing her so much because I don't hate people. I wanna make everything okay between us but I'm scared to get hurt again. I've been getting hurt a lot lately and I'm sick of it. Most of the pain I've been through - with friends at least - has been because of her and I don't want to put myself back in a situation where I know I'm gonna get hurt. But what if it doesn't hurt this time, what if I can let it go when she hurts me cause I know someone has to care for me. But I don't wanna risk it. I just wish I could get rid of this hate. I don't like hateing people. And I can't stop thinking about her and all the good times we've had. I felt more secure with her because I felt like she accepted me for who I am and she showed me affection a lot - as a friend, nothing more. When people hug me I feel like they care and they're accepting me. When people tell me they love me I believe them. I know somewhere inside of me that it's never true, but I ignore that and believe them cause I need that. It doesn't seem like it, but I don't really feel that loved, I just feel used and when someone says they love me I'd like to believe it cause it's good for a second er two til I realize it's bullshit.
I can't stop thinkin about Steve either, I miss him, even though he was a part of what fucked it up for me and *someone* I still wish that I could have someone like that. He made me feel cared for too and I liked that. I just need somethin to hold onto and I have yet to find that, everyone just leaves and never comes back. It hurts a lot to be used and then dropped like I'm nothing.
I'm scared that the same thing is happening with Heath. Sometimes I wonder if she really cares or if she's just using me. I want her to care and if she actually does care then that'd be perfect, but I'm not really sure. *Someone* fucked me up really bad and I can't trust anyone now. I can't even convince myself that my best friend cares and loves me because *she* told me that and showed me affection but lied about it all. I can't trust Heath because *she* fucked up big time. I hate this. I just wanna make it right but I can't.
I'm gonna just go cause this is fucked up.
Anjela
I can't stop thinkin about when I wrote that. It's about *someone* I don't like anymore (not a guy). I feel bad cause it's like I hate her with such a passion and I don't want to. She was my best friend since like fourth grade and she messed up once and it killed our relationship like BAM. It woulda been better if she hadn't been messin stuff up for so long and then just dropped that huge load on me, and it woulda helped if she would've explained, but she didn't. I feel bad for hateing her so much because I don't hate people. I wanna make everything okay between us but I'm scared to get hurt again. I've been getting hurt a lot lately and I'm sick of it. Most of the pain I've been through - with friends at least - has been because of her and I don't want to put myself back in a situation where I know I'm gonna get hurt. But what if it doesn't hurt this time, what if I can let it go when she hurts me cause I know someone has to care for me. But I don't wanna risk it. I just wish I could get rid of this hate. I don't like hateing people. And I can't stop thinking about her and all the good times we've had. I felt more secure with her because I felt like she accepted me for who I am and she showed me affection a lot - as a friend, nothing more. When people hug me I feel like they care and they're accepting me. When people tell me they love me I believe them. I know somewhere inside of me that it's never true, but I ignore that and believe them cause I need that. It doesn't seem like it, but I don't really feel that loved, I just feel used and when someone says they love me I'd like to believe it cause it's good for a second er two til I realize it's bullshit.
I can't stop thinkin about Steve either, I miss him, even though he was a part of what fucked it up for me and *someone* I still wish that I could have someone like that. He made me feel cared for too and I liked that. I just need somethin to hold onto and I have yet to find that, everyone just leaves and never comes back. It hurts a lot to be used and then dropped like I'm nothing.
I'm scared that the same thing is happening with Heath. Sometimes I wonder if she really cares or if she's just using me. I want her to care and if she actually does care then that'd be perfect, but I'm not really sure. *Someone* fucked me up really bad and I can't trust anyone now. I can't even convince myself that my best friend cares and loves me because *she* told me that and showed me affection but lied about it all. I can't trust Heath because *she* fucked up big time. I hate this. I just wanna make it right but I can't.
I'm gonna just go cause this is fucked up.
Anjela