Getting to know me...
Well, I never had a journal before and I figured it may be interesting to document my life. No, I don’t plan on people reading it, but merely for me to reflect back in time as weeks, months and years pass and see where my life takes me. I am a firm believer that every action no matter how slight has an immense consequence (kinda like The Butterfly Effect if you know what I mean). I’m sure that if anyone reads this regularly they will see how my typically dramatic night has an impact on many ahead. I like to believe that if it’s destined to happen it will, but can we change our destiny? I like to think so, probably only because of when things go great or horribly wrong. That’s where it’s complicated; is destiny a true purpose, a happy/unhappy ending, is it just an excuse or is it a comforting lie we tell ourselves? If destiny is true then how will we know if what we have is our destiny or when have we actually met our destiny? I tend to analyze many events and wonder what would happen if I did it a different way. Anyway, it’s Oct 4th right now and I’m going to start off with things that have been on my mind lately and events that stuck out over the past few weeks.
First off, I finally set a career path for myself. Yes I wanted to do body work once I got out of high school and I stuck with it for 3 years but after that I looked back at the detrimental affects on my health and the fact that I was getting a screwed on pay and decided it just was not worth it. I left Gerber (fucking assholes) in February and decided to take some time off with a nice blow off job life guarding- the sweetest job possible, sit and tan all day while checking out the hunnies around the pool. But as everyone knows, life guarding is not a career, even if I planned on getting on doing the whole Baywatch deal. By the end of the season I decided to get into college. And if you know me, you know how much of a procrastinator I can be. It took a lot of self motivation to get me in there and spend all that time doing financial aid, testing and registration. Thankfully, I had a lot of that motivation built up by Alex and Lindsey S, I’m sure I’ll cover them later.
Anyway, classes started a little over 2 weeks ago and I have really made an effort not to fuck it up. I’m 22 now and feel I have wasted enough time, it’s time I set my priorities. Anyway, I am a full time student taking 16 credit hours in 2 classes; Intro to Fire Science and EMT-Basic. I chose these because since I was a kid I have always wanted to be a firefighter. My old man was a firefighter and I have many friends from ages 25-45 that have done it. Plus a major bonus is chicks dig the uniform! So anyway from the start I have been making an effort to do my best in my classes. My first quiz and test in EMT were so hard but I spent like 5 hours studying for each one with the help of Alex. And after I finished studying and wanted to grab a beer we went to the bar and studied some more! The results of those tests were “As”! I’m so proud of myself for that. But then I had a quiz the other day. To prepare for that I hooked up with Sam (cool chick that sits with me in class) and studied together at Barnes and Noble for a couple hours. The quiz that we were preparing for was on CPR and Airway. Easy, right? Considering I was a life guard. So I pretty much helped her study while I skimmed the chapter. That was my big mistake; I became too confident in the material that I neglected to pay attention to the measurements, flow rates, and variables for all of the artificial ventilation instruments… Why would those hard questions be on there anyway? Opps, my bad. They were and I failed it! 2 questions away from passing! Anyway, next time will be much different. We have a quiz on Wed and when I study for that I’ll make sure not to neglect the fine print. But needless to say, I am taking this very seriously. Hell, if you knew me since Jr. High you know those were my last days of studying and doing homework, so that has to say something about me making a change today.
In the last section I mentioned Alex. For those of you that don’t know Alex he’s what I consider my best friend and close enough to be a brother, a lot of people used to think we were brothers (but then he got ugly… j/k!). We grew up together, we’ve know each other since we were yea tall. We both have been through many difficult times, but in all of those times we could rely on each other for guidance and support, he’s been there in many of my darkest hours and helped me make the right decision, the latest was a month and a half ago but I probably wont reveal that till a later date. Many people hear me refer to him as my consigliore as I am to him as well. Alex is a complex guy; you either love him or hate his guts. I’ve spent a lot of my life defending him and fighting fights that weren’t mine but I know that he has my back if ever I need it. He’s made a lot of mistakes in his life but when he listens to me he stays out of trouble. Deep down he is a good guy and a great friend.
Since I don’t really have a flow chart with a diagram of what I want to talk about I’m just gonna talk at random; Last week I found out that Mandy B, my first serious girlfriend, died a year ago. I found out by some broads that lived by her when me and Alex went over to their house (she lived a block down). Anyway, what happened was she got pregnant nearly 2 years ago (which I new because old and long lost mutual friends bump into me and give me the updates on everything and everyone). She went into labor last year but bleed to death due to complications. The baby lived, thank God, but poor Mandy did not. It really ruined my night, I felt horrible. I really wish I was told but then again we dated when I was like 13-14 so what can you expect. I still am sad for her but wish the best for her baby. The other night I drank to her memory.
Talking about Mandy has me thinking about my current love life. I am single as of now which sucks because I joke around about being a “Jerry McGuire” (I can’t be alone). When me and Mandy B dated I spoiled her rotten. I was extremely romantic in everything I did. But then we broke up and that was that. Then it was Lynn O for 2 years. I really was in love but began to fall out of love after time passed and the feeling of neglect began to rise. That’s another fact of me, I need to feel noticed and loved. So after the love life died and months passed and things changed as the relationship overran I made a huge mistake/learning experience of sleeping with Melissa (?). I felt so bad immediately afterward that I called Lynn right away and confessed. Needless to say, she wanted to break up. I was crushed and I really felt like I couldn’t go on, but Alex helped me along. A part of me died inside even though it was my action. I vowed never to do that again, it killed me but it hurt her just as bad and I have always respected women. Then I took a lot of time off from actual relationships and out of the many that I started (including one with Melissa) only lasted for a couple weeks to months. I just didn’t feel like another relationship, I was still hurting inside from my mistake. Then I learned the fundamentals (guys know what I’m talking about) and learned how to bury the memory. I then started dating Amanda K. God, what a hottie. Looked like Tara Reid. Only flaw was she acted like a celebrity; she was extremely selfish and snoody. Surprisingly it lasted for 9 months but then she broke my heart by cheating on me. While she may not admit to it straight out I know what happened. Again, I was pretty crushed but I learned how to walk it off and turn the hurt around. I got back out there and started macking again (a talent of mine). While I hooked up with a bunch of hotties I couldn’t settle down, I didn’t want the pain again. But then came Lindsey S. We really connected, everything was perfect between us. She is truly one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever laid my eyes on. She has beautiful brown hi-lighted silky hair, big beautiful green/hazel eyes that reflected my image as I became lost inside, the cutest and most pinch-able cheeks, and a smile that makes your tummy burn with anticipation of kissing them while melting your heart. She had an incredible silly laugh that would extinguish any worry or sorrow in the world. She does the cutest little things that you can’t ignore like borrowing like a mouse into your shirt. And finally not to mention a knockout body with a chest that seemed to grow right after we met… (Inside joke). Anyway, even though our first couple nights were past taboo there really was something there. We got a long great, she was my greatest match yet… we even dressed the same by coincidence! We had a bunch of fun times in the City, at the zoo, at parties, or just doing you know… There are so many little things that I still think about. Each and every moment I was with her I felt like I was a kid again and it was my greatest birthday for she was the one and only present I ever wanted. It was the close of summer when we met, we were so upset but glad that it did happen regardless. She even threw me a surprise birthday party. God, she was so good to me, I can make a list a mile long of moments with her that I wouldn’t trade the world for. And honestly I never felt so much love before in my life for someone, especially in such a short term. I literally would’ve done anything for her. But then it was time for her to go to Iowa for school, which didn’t scare me but still expressed concern. Either way, I went one weekend to visit her (my last time there) and things didn’t go well. For some reason both of us were edgy and defensive. Those of you that know me know I have a sometimes sharp and sarcastic sense of humor. While I meant things to be expressed as jokes she took them personally. Granted I pushed the envelope on a bunch of things that weekend and I knew I fucked up. I have no idea why I acted that way, I never had before, why now? A week later I could tell that something was still wrong. That’s when she told me that I was a “distraction” to her and she wanted to break up. God, I was crushed, and I still am. I really could see my self with her for the rest of my life. That’s how serious it was. We used to talk about actually going and getting hitched right then and there and I ruined it. We still talk, not as much as I would like but she says it’s hard on her and I don’t blame her for saying that because I know I feel the same way. She came home the other weekend and we went to see a movie together. It was a little awkward because there were so many feelings still there. I remember looking deep in her eyes every chance I got and rememorizing her face over and over. We let a few kisses slip and my insides burned with love and pain with each kiss. I wished it wouldn’t have ended. There were so many things that I wanted to say and do. I would give ANYTHING for another chance. This was so much more feeling than any other relationship, you could not even attempt to compare. I’ve beat myself up over biting my tongue so many times. But I am trying to give her what she wants to show my love and patience for her. It is so hard trying to control my emotions still. I think about us a lot and wonder if this is part of my “destiny”. What if this is how it is supposed to happen? What if we do get back together and actually do marry? Or what if, God forbid, we aren’t supposed to be? I trust that God has a plan, I only pray over and over that it is us being together happily forever. I could go on forever about our great times together and all the little things that made me smile but I probably should move on in this journal entry. Anyway, so as of today I am still waiting and hoping for my happy ending. I ran into a few exes the past couple weeks, including Melissa last night at the concert. I could tell that they want to get back together but my heart is still with Lindsey and I don’t want to even go back (even for just a night) to them, that’s how much I still feel for her.
So currently I’m using this love life vacation to focus on my own priorities as well. I’m doing everything I can to see where I have changed and how and then figure out why and what I can do to go back. It’s kind of like a self improvement phase. I want to make something of myself and prove to everyone that I am a good person by bringing the real me back to life. I’ve made many mistakes before and I’m sure I’ll make many more, it happens, but I want to avoid as many as possible by choosing the proper actions for all the right consequences.
The past week and a half has been interesting. Last Friday I was in my first fight in years. I’m walking through this bar in Chicago with Alex and Lindsey (Eds) when this guy says "nice sweater fagot". I turn around and say "that’s news to me because I didn't see a dick on your chick last night when I fucked her brains out". He then gets up and throws a fist at me, I dodge it and give him a left elbow then throw him a right hook. He goes down then when he gets up he takes a bar stool and hits me in the right side. I stagger left and hit him again square in the nose and break it. He bends down grabbing his nose with one hand while I see the other reaching in his sock, that’s when I see him pulling a knife so I grab a beer bottle and smash it over his head. That’s when everyone pulls me back and the cops show up. Alex told him and his friends that I'm a connected guy to scare them from pressing charges but I got off anyway because it was self defense and I had a bunch of witnesses.
Up to today it’s been pretty routine; going drinking, bar hopping, drama, backing up my boys when somebody talks smack, getting harassed by cops, meeting new people and making new friends, shopping, buying/burning new cds (20 more in 3 days) and shit like that.
Alex, Lindsey (Eds), Tom, and me went to North beach last night. Every time I go there it’s like one big reunion. I see so many old friends from high school and people that would hang out with us at the apartment. Christina V, Pat, Chrissy, Dan, Matt, and Melissa (ex) were there along with some other people that new me but I still can’t remember their name. Anyway, we were there to see Simplistic Urge (some guys I used to know from school are actually in it). They fucking rocked. The set before them was good too. I’m planning on going back for more live bands next Sunday.
Afterwards I told Lindsey (Eds) that I would get her drunk because she never wants to drink because she has to drive home afterward and she’s only 20. So we went to get my car at my house then drop hers off and get some beer. We started drinking out in the parking lot by Alex’s when a DuPage Sheriff rolled past. We put the rest of the case in the bush and chilled as he came back around and parked 20 feet away. His backup arrived 2 minutes later and they came over and checked our IDs and told us to leave because a neighbor called to complain for noise. The one was being a total dick. I recognized him from somewhere and asked him if he could place it but he was all cocky and like “did I arrest you” and I said “no, I remember that guy”. But we talked a little more and he was still being gay so I just talked to the other one who was pretty cool. So anyway we went to Steak and Shake and ate. Then we left to go get the case to finish. When we got there the case was empty… The fucking cops stole our beer!!! Fuckers.
First off, I finally set a career path for myself. Yes I wanted to do body work once I got out of high school and I stuck with it for 3 years but after that I looked back at the detrimental affects on my health and the fact that I was getting a screwed on pay and decided it just was not worth it. I left Gerber (fucking assholes) in February and decided to take some time off with a nice blow off job life guarding- the sweetest job possible, sit and tan all day while checking out the hunnies around the pool. But as everyone knows, life guarding is not a career, even if I planned on getting on doing the whole Baywatch deal. By the end of the season I decided to get into college. And if you know me, you know how much of a procrastinator I can be. It took a lot of self motivation to get me in there and spend all that time doing financial aid, testing and registration. Thankfully, I had a lot of that motivation built up by Alex and Lindsey S, I’m sure I’ll cover them later.
Anyway, classes started a little over 2 weeks ago and I have really made an effort not to fuck it up. I’m 22 now and feel I have wasted enough time, it’s time I set my priorities. Anyway, I am a full time student taking 16 credit hours in 2 classes; Intro to Fire Science and EMT-Basic. I chose these because since I was a kid I have always wanted to be a firefighter. My old man was a firefighter and I have many friends from ages 25-45 that have done it. Plus a major bonus is chicks dig the uniform! So anyway from the start I have been making an effort to do my best in my classes. My first quiz and test in EMT were so hard but I spent like 5 hours studying for each one with the help of Alex. And after I finished studying and wanted to grab a beer we went to the bar and studied some more! The results of those tests were “As”! I’m so proud of myself for that. But then I had a quiz the other day. To prepare for that I hooked up with Sam (cool chick that sits with me in class) and studied together at Barnes and Noble for a couple hours. The quiz that we were preparing for was on CPR and Airway. Easy, right? Considering I was a life guard. So I pretty much helped her study while I skimmed the chapter. That was my big mistake; I became too confident in the material that I neglected to pay attention to the measurements, flow rates, and variables for all of the artificial ventilation instruments… Why would those hard questions be on there anyway? Opps, my bad. They were and I failed it! 2 questions away from passing! Anyway, next time will be much different. We have a quiz on Wed and when I study for that I’ll make sure not to neglect the fine print. But needless to say, I am taking this very seriously. Hell, if you knew me since Jr. High you know those were my last days of studying and doing homework, so that has to say something about me making a change today.
In the last section I mentioned Alex. For those of you that don’t know Alex he’s what I consider my best friend and close enough to be a brother, a lot of people used to think we were brothers (but then he got ugly… j/k!). We grew up together, we’ve know each other since we were yea tall. We both have been through many difficult times, but in all of those times we could rely on each other for guidance and support, he’s been there in many of my darkest hours and helped me make the right decision, the latest was a month and a half ago but I probably wont reveal that till a later date. Many people hear me refer to him as my consigliore as I am to him as well. Alex is a complex guy; you either love him or hate his guts. I’ve spent a lot of my life defending him and fighting fights that weren’t mine but I know that he has my back if ever I need it. He’s made a lot of mistakes in his life but when he listens to me he stays out of trouble. Deep down he is a good guy and a great friend.
Since I don’t really have a flow chart with a diagram of what I want to talk about I’m just gonna talk at random; Last week I found out that Mandy B, my first serious girlfriend, died a year ago. I found out by some broads that lived by her when me and Alex went over to their house (she lived a block down). Anyway, what happened was she got pregnant nearly 2 years ago (which I new because old and long lost mutual friends bump into me and give me the updates on everything and everyone). She went into labor last year but bleed to death due to complications. The baby lived, thank God, but poor Mandy did not. It really ruined my night, I felt horrible. I really wish I was told but then again we dated when I was like 13-14 so what can you expect. I still am sad for her but wish the best for her baby. The other night I drank to her memory.
Talking about Mandy has me thinking about my current love life. I am single as of now which sucks because I joke around about being a “Jerry McGuire” (I can’t be alone). When me and Mandy B dated I spoiled her rotten. I was extremely romantic in everything I did. But then we broke up and that was that. Then it was Lynn O for 2 years. I really was in love but began to fall out of love after time passed and the feeling of neglect began to rise. That’s another fact of me, I need to feel noticed and loved. So after the love life died and months passed and things changed as the relationship overran I made a huge mistake/learning experience of sleeping with Melissa (?). I felt so bad immediately afterward that I called Lynn right away and confessed. Needless to say, she wanted to break up. I was crushed and I really felt like I couldn’t go on, but Alex helped me along. A part of me died inside even though it was my action. I vowed never to do that again, it killed me but it hurt her just as bad and I have always respected women. Then I took a lot of time off from actual relationships and out of the many that I started (including one with Melissa) only lasted for a couple weeks to months. I just didn’t feel like another relationship, I was still hurting inside from my mistake. Then I learned the fundamentals (guys know what I’m talking about) and learned how to bury the memory. I then started dating Amanda K. God, what a hottie. Looked like Tara Reid. Only flaw was she acted like a celebrity; she was extremely selfish and snoody. Surprisingly it lasted for 9 months but then she broke my heart by cheating on me. While she may not admit to it straight out I know what happened. Again, I was pretty crushed but I learned how to walk it off and turn the hurt around. I got back out there and started macking again (a talent of mine). While I hooked up with a bunch of hotties I couldn’t settle down, I didn’t want the pain again. But then came Lindsey S. We really connected, everything was perfect between us. She is truly one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever laid my eyes on. She has beautiful brown hi-lighted silky hair, big beautiful green/hazel eyes that reflected my image as I became lost inside, the cutest and most pinch-able cheeks, and a smile that makes your tummy burn with anticipation of kissing them while melting your heart. She had an incredible silly laugh that would extinguish any worry or sorrow in the world. She does the cutest little things that you can’t ignore like borrowing like a mouse into your shirt. And finally not to mention a knockout body with a chest that seemed to grow right after we met… (Inside joke). Anyway, even though our first couple nights were past taboo there really was something there. We got a long great, she was my greatest match yet… we even dressed the same by coincidence! We had a bunch of fun times in the City, at the zoo, at parties, or just doing you know… There are so many little things that I still think about. Each and every moment I was with her I felt like I was a kid again and it was my greatest birthday for she was the one and only present I ever wanted. It was the close of summer when we met, we were so upset but glad that it did happen regardless. She even threw me a surprise birthday party. God, she was so good to me, I can make a list a mile long of moments with her that I wouldn’t trade the world for. And honestly I never felt so much love before in my life for someone, especially in such a short term. I literally would’ve done anything for her. But then it was time for her to go to Iowa for school, which didn’t scare me but still expressed concern. Either way, I went one weekend to visit her (my last time there) and things didn’t go well. For some reason both of us were edgy and defensive. Those of you that know me know I have a sometimes sharp and sarcastic sense of humor. While I meant things to be expressed as jokes she took them personally. Granted I pushed the envelope on a bunch of things that weekend and I knew I fucked up. I have no idea why I acted that way, I never had before, why now? A week later I could tell that something was still wrong. That’s when she told me that I was a “distraction” to her and she wanted to break up. God, I was crushed, and I still am. I really could see my self with her for the rest of my life. That’s how serious it was. We used to talk about actually going and getting hitched right then and there and I ruined it. We still talk, not as much as I would like but she says it’s hard on her and I don’t blame her for saying that because I know I feel the same way. She came home the other weekend and we went to see a movie together. It was a little awkward because there were so many feelings still there. I remember looking deep in her eyes every chance I got and rememorizing her face over and over. We let a few kisses slip and my insides burned with love and pain with each kiss. I wished it wouldn’t have ended. There were so many things that I wanted to say and do. I would give ANYTHING for another chance. This was so much more feeling than any other relationship, you could not even attempt to compare. I’ve beat myself up over biting my tongue so many times. But I am trying to give her what she wants to show my love and patience for her. It is so hard trying to control my emotions still. I think about us a lot and wonder if this is part of my “destiny”. What if this is how it is supposed to happen? What if we do get back together and actually do marry? Or what if, God forbid, we aren’t supposed to be? I trust that God has a plan, I only pray over and over that it is us being together happily forever. I could go on forever about our great times together and all the little things that made me smile but I probably should move on in this journal entry. Anyway, so as of today I am still waiting and hoping for my happy ending. I ran into a few exes the past couple weeks, including Melissa last night at the concert. I could tell that they want to get back together but my heart is still with Lindsey and I don’t want to even go back (even for just a night) to them, that’s how much I still feel for her.
So currently I’m using this love life vacation to focus on my own priorities as well. I’m doing everything I can to see where I have changed and how and then figure out why and what I can do to go back. It’s kind of like a self improvement phase. I want to make something of myself and prove to everyone that I am a good person by bringing the real me back to life. I’ve made many mistakes before and I’m sure I’ll make many more, it happens, but I want to avoid as many as possible by choosing the proper actions for all the right consequences.
The past week and a half has been interesting. Last Friday I was in my first fight in years. I’m walking through this bar in Chicago with Alex and Lindsey (Eds) when this guy says "nice sweater fagot". I turn around and say "that’s news to me because I didn't see a dick on your chick last night when I fucked her brains out". He then gets up and throws a fist at me, I dodge it and give him a left elbow then throw him a right hook. He goes down then when he gets up he takes a bar stool and hits me in the right side. I stagger left and hit him again square in the nose and break it. He bends down grabbing his nose with one hand while I see the other reaching in his sock, that’s when I see him pulling a knife so I grab a beer bottle and smash it over his head. That’s when everyone pulls me back and the cops show up. Alex told him and his friends that I'm a connected guy to scare them from pressing charges but I got off anyway because it was self defense and I had a bunch of witnesses.
Up to today it’s been pretty routine; going drinking, bar hopping, drama, backing up my boys when somebody talks smack, getting harassed by cops, meeting new people and making new friends, shopping, buying/burning new cds (20 more in 3 days) and shit like that.
Alex, Lindsey (Eds), Tom, and me went to North beach last night. Every time I go there it’s like one big reunion. I see so many old friends from high school and people that would hang out with us at the apartment. Christina V, Pat, Chrissy, Dan, Matt, and Melissa (ex) were there along with some other people that new me but I still can’t remember their name. Anyway, we were there to see Simplistic Urge (some guys I used to know from school are actually in it). They fucking rocked. The set before them was good too. I’m planning on going back for more live bands next Sunday.
Afterwards I told Lindsey (Eds) that I would get her drunk because she never wants to drink because she has to drive home afterward and she’s only 20. So we went to get my car at my house then drop hers off and get some beer. We started drinking out in the parking lot by Alex’s when a DuPage Sheriff rolled past. We put the rest of the case in the bush and chilled as he came back around and parked 20 feet away. His backup arrived 2 minutes later and they came over and checked our IDs and told us to leave because a neighbor called to complain for noise. The one was being a total dick. I recognized him from somewhere and asked him if he could place it but he was all cocky and like “did I arrest you” and I said “no, I remember that guy”. But we talked a little more and he was still being gay so I just talked to the other one who was pretty cool. So anyway we went to Steak and Shake and ate. Then we left to go get the case to finish. When we got there the case was empty… The fucking cops stole our beer!!! Fuckers.