Trying to keep it all together
With the fires disrupting my school schedule I'd lost quite a bit of momentum. The time I had off was welcome though because I had my hands full trying to figure out how best to be supportive to Barb and also how to adjust to the change in our relationship. I saw her last Friday and we drank and I got to express ahow I felt and give her her card with my sentiments. I had to spend a lot of time thinking about how she felt. I didn't expect to be so woefully ill prepared to be supportive. I thought it would just come naturally the way I've been supportive in the past. But I'm not attached to anything in this world nearly as much as she was to her mother, I think partly because it makes it pretty easy to accept anything. I get quite hung up when I can't accept things, that is I function very poorly in turmoil. My attempts to do so anyway have not turned out well and as a matter of necessity I've learned not to attach myself to things that I'm liable to get hung up on, or would be too hung up on to take care of myself if I were to lose them. Anyway, it took me a while to really empathize with how she felt in any way. Sympathy sure, that's easy to give, although not quite as easy for me to express. But empathy is different because that requires feeling her pain myself, to experience it, at least in part. And that was hard to do, and I haven't done it much. It was hard to get the will to do it, because, well... she's really hurt and it's hard to want to feel that too. But we did get to hang out, and we talked, and we cried a little together. In a way it was a little surreal, to feel myself hurt and cry for a woman that I've never met and have only seen a picture of once. I've learned a little bit about her from what Barb has told me, but really it's still hard to piece that together into a person, especially for me, because I really need to read things to absorb it. It seems the only things I really store from the spoken word are simple facts and definitions, or complex understandings that become their own mnemonic. So crying for her, perhaps not exactly for her, but not for Barb either, and not just because there was sadness in the room... I just felt like I felt a piece of what Barb felt then, and I felt happy in that moment that at least right then she wasn't feeling it alone. It was good for me and I think it was good for her too. I think she really appreciated the card and it meant a lot to her. I said I wanted to share in her mother's memory with her when she was ready, but I know I'm going to have to prompt her for that and that's going to be tough. First I'm not sure when or how to prompt her and second I've got a world of other things going on and it will be easy for me to forget. It's not that I'm not interested, but Barb did say that part of the reason she stopped waiting for me is because I'm so selfish and self-absorbed, and there's certainly truth in that. I'm very caught up in my own world, working on my own goals, having my own ideas, and trying to fix my own bad habits, or mitigate their ill effects. I'm very much that way in the moment, and I usually don't think about other people until I'm alone, where I can meticulously plan my gestures and contemplate how our relationship is going. In the moment I'm worlds away from other people's concerns and interests, unless I've set myself to make a real investigation in to what's going on with them. It's something I've been aware of for a while and I realize now that my passiveness is due in part to the fact that it means I have to spend less time being concerned with how my actions will affect others. It would seem my own thoughts are the most valuable thing to me, hence all the introspection. Most people's thoughts are not very valuable to me, and if they are to be of any interest, they should either be very well thought out or very creative. There aren't too many people who have both thoughts that I'm interested in and ones that I'll listen to intently because I judge them as well reasoned. A few of those people DO exist and they are very important to me. Not as a philosophy, but as my general nature, the purpose of communicating is largely to work towards some accomplishment or goal, and much less so to bond. Blah blah blah. Anyway I've realized a few things writing this, and remembered a few things I've noted before. The energy pills tend to get me on threads like this, and this is enough thinking in this direction for now.
So I've been trying to get back on track with school. I really lost that momentum with the unexpected break and all the other stuff that'd just happened. I'd worked really hard to get on top of my school work too. To really get focused and get my shit together. By the end of the week I was back to square one. I didn't use any of that time to study or look for a job or to accomplish anything. I didn't even cook for myself. I had a lot of big stuff on my mind and I was working through that. I'd probably still be doing it now if I hadn't had that time. I'm not sure what I would have done without it, but probably just dealt with it... poorly. Ok, Tylenol PM is starting to kick in finally... so I'll finish the rest of this tomorrow or sometime, or maybe not at all and it will just get posted like this.
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I don't even know when I wrote the last part, but it's the better part of a week later.
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And now it's even a few more days later than the last sentence. I wonder if I can give a synopsis...
School:
I got a bad grade on my linear algebra test. Monday I'll know how bad it is, but I got slaughtered. I may have passed over my first C since I've come back to college and headed straight to my first D. Because each test is such a significant portion of the grade, it might also have cost me an A in the class. The course started of deceptively easy, with little need to study. It became gradually more difficult and I did not change my study habits to match. If it does end up being the course I get a B in, it would be the best because it's only 3 units.
Japanese I think I aced the test unless I made a few silly mistakes. My best guess is I'm running a mid to high B in the course and if I did particularly well on this last test, it may have opened the door to completing the course with an A. As it is a 5 unit course, it's important to me to get an A as it will have the largest impact on my GPA.
As for Physics and Calc 3, those are pretty much in the bag. Thank god I'm so good at math and physics. Really. I am so freakin' lucky. This shit is hard! But I can do it with a minimum of studying. I can walk into a physics exam with a note card full of formulas and come away with an A with ease. I don't even need to do the homework, although I do spend enough time to make sure that I thoroughly understand the concepts presented, and the exams would be harder, and ARE harder, when the professor puts questions on the test that require you to have already worked through the reasoning behind a particularly tricky problem in the homework to finish in time. They weren't on the last test! I finished with 20 minutes to spare. Unfortunately I DID do something pretty stupid. We're working with circuits, and perhaps practice with the homework would have helped me organize my information better. I did most of the problem in my head, which is fine because I did it right, but because I didn't do the problem as rigourously as I normaly do I made a silly error that propegated through all of my work. I added 2.4 and 3.6 in my head and got 5 instead of 6 and all my other calculations were based on that. Still that only amounts to a point off and I did everything else right, just with a wrong number. Still, once again I robbed myself of a 100% by not being thorough. God nothing erks me like missing a perfect score by 1.
Barb:
Well I don't know what to say about me and Barb. Our relationship is changing, but at least it's not sudden. The new romantic interest in her life has been gone but he'll be back very soon. And thank god for that. He sounds so good for her and is in a better position to be a positive influence in her life than I am. I wish so much that I could be that, but I want to be all things to all people, and sometimes it's hard for me to accept that I can't. I am who I am and I help Barb in my own way, but he can help her in another way, and a way I think she needs a little more. She's holding it together very well, and all I can think is how rough life is for Barb right now. But she's a trooper and I can't help but think that if she can handle this so gracefully, that there's nothing in the world that woman can't handle. She falls apart when she can and I think part of her grudges herself for it. But I understand, and I think everybody does, and I guess maybe she wouldn't be so strong if she didn't push herself so, but sometimes I wish she'd cut herself some slack too. I don't know... I think she forgives herself her own personal grudges too, so I can't say there's really any help she needs in HOW to cope. She's doing it and well. All she needs is love and support, and she's got that from me and so many other wonderful people in her life that appreciate her because she's proven herself to be such a fantastic person. So I know she's going to be ok and that life will go on for her and this isn't going to keep her from enjoying or moving forward with it. But there's a long time to come where she isn't going to be hurting inside, and I wish so much there was something to be done about it, but all there really is is to feel it bit by bit and heal bit by bit.
So I'm also super excited about Barb's present! It came in the mail today! It is perhaps a little different than I'd imagined, but it's no less fantastic. I can't wait to give it to her and I'm anxiously awaiting Christmas. It was also approved by her best friend Ann so I'm not in the least bit concerned that she won't like it. I think she's going to love it and it will be very meaningful to her. I also ordered her birthday present the same day which I'm also looking forward to giving to her. It's not quite as special, or nearly so in my opinion. Never the less, she's guaranteed to like. I need to ruminate about this, but I know Barb reads my blogs so it's hard to, so if you're reading this Barb, you might want to skip the rest of this paragraph (spoilers ahead!). So, because it segways into something sentimental, I'm going to discuss the cost of Barb's gifts. They aren't outrageous, but I have negative cash flow right now, and I don't think Barb would have had me spend quite so much on her (and it isn't really that much). That is to say, she'd appreciate smaller gifts. I don't think she has any expectations that I spend any money on her, and she'd be happy with a gift that cost 50c if it came from the heart and was meaningful. Anyway... I really don't know how to talk about this without it seeming tacky so I just won't say any more. It is already but there's a reason I brought it up. While the first gift I found I just had to have Barb have. I saw it and I thought of her and it just seemed right. I really wanted her ot have it. It's the type of thing I wouldn't bat an eye at the price if I was still working, but now it's kind of like, well I'll make that money when I make it. The second gift, which isn't quite as meaningful.. well I just wasn't happy with it until it cost about the same as the first. Part of it had to do with my never ending need to get a good deal (which in this case came at a higher price tag)... but also has a lot to do with the fact that... well the course for the future is farely well predictable and as she becomes more involved with this new romantic interest, our relationship will become necessarily less intimate and also become a lower priority. A lower priority isn't cataclysmic, but the reality is it means these are my last chances to give Barb gifts based on how well I know who she is right now. I know a lot about who she is, what her tastes are, what she has, and what she wants, and as time progresses all those things about a person change at their own rate, and by next year and the rest too follow it's just a matter of fact that I'm going to be much less privy to them. So, true to form, I can't let my good and noble deeds go without shedding light on their selfish motives. I've "splurged" on these gifts for me, because I believe this is the closest Barb and I are ever going to be, and it's my last opportunity to give to her knowing so well who she his at the time. God I hope she skipped this.
Barb has been having a little bit of seperation anxiety. She loves so deeply and passionately and try as she might she just can't quite let me go completely. I know there will always be love in her heart for me. I'm sure at times she's loved me despite herself, especially after all the advice I'm sure she's received from trusted friends and confidants to "kick me to the curb." I can imagine how those conversations have gone. I'm thinking of the "yes" men friends, and the only response to her plight is summed up easily: "well fuck him for not loving you." Such advice is only a band-aid though and ignores the fact that love is definitely not rational and any time she might wish she didn't love me the part of her that does protests vehemently. She focused on my selfishness, which I've spent a LOT fo time thinking about the past few weeks. I'm sure because it's fresh in my mind she's also seen me trying to work on those selfish aspects of my person, and that has only served to weaken her resolve to move on. I still think she's committed, but "the other guy" has been gone and really at the worst time. Not noticing Barb's hair was a big deal, or well... I mean, even I knew I "messed up" big then, but I understand the circumstances and I've thought about it long and hard and I don't think it illustrates the selfishness that Barb has attributed to it, and perhaps I've convinced her of that a little bit since. But god... how awful! She said my nature was to be selfish! Like it's part of who I am! Well... in some ways that's true, and there are what I call reasonable selfishnesses and then the kind that carry the negative connotation we typically attribute to the word. Well... I think I've discussed this at length actually so anyway... she was really focusing on that and I think that was helping her move on... but I don't know... love is like good sex and it's easy to overlook things, so I think she lapsed back into me again because this is obviously not the time to cut those feelings off with nobody else around. Not that I'm saying that her current interest is just "anybody." Far from it, which is why I think it's made sticking to letting me go impossible. Now that he's back, I think she'll be so occupied and titillated by exploring her new love that the bite of letting go of her love for me won't be so harsh. Sad when she remembers it, but perhaps in a more bitter sweet way. As for me... I don't think I let myself attach myself to what Barb and I had the way I had before. When Barb took her time to get over me last spring, I didn't quite get at first that she needed to extricate herself from me almost totally, and when I realized that's what she needed and what she really meant, I took it badly. I mean, I didn't really act on it, but I was pretty sour for a couple of weeks and there was a lot of turmoil. I really didn't like the spiteful thoughts it brought up too and I felt guilty. She took herself from me and that hurt. I mean, rationally I didn't blame her, but the child in me had a fucking fit. Maybe it came through just a tiny bit at first, but thankfully the best part of her not seeing me, is that I couldn't make an ass of myself.
So I'm happy that this guy has been gone. As a side note, I'm really looking forward and dreading to meet him. Jealousy is only natural and he has a lot of enviable traits. I really wish I'd met him before and gotten to know him because there's just this inescapable rivalry that happens between men over women where we silently size eachother up to see who is the better mate. Yea, I don't think that's just a guy thing either. And it's not the type of thing that I'd expect this particular guy or myself to turn into anything bad. It's just that I don't want that to taint getting to know him. He really does sound awesome so I don't want any part of me to be thinking of him in any kind of competitive way. And while Barb's love may fade to the background, if it doesn't actually disapear as I think it won't, Barb would have to do an exceptionally convincing job that it has, otherwise he's likely to always be sizing me up, trying to understand what could make a woman love me the way she does. Naturally, everybody wants to be loved the most. Man... I can't get into a discourse on polyamory right now... so even though I feel it leaves what I've said a little incomplete (there's more to this story than what I've said, and I wish I had the time to clarify...) my point is, there's a natural tendency between people to want to feel like they're the best for someone, which tends to add more significance to the observed faults in the competition. That's what I'm worried about... that our relationship is going to start with that kind of subtle critical eye. And god knows I'm critical enough as it is. So I'm going to work hard on avoiding that on my part and if I always felt the way I do now it would be easy. But as I lose my place in Barb's priorities to him, it's going to take effort to be impartial. At the crudest of emotional levels, he's taking Barb away from me, and the response is to find out how to be better than him to get her back. And that's really simple, all I'd have to be is in love with her, and I'm not, and that's why it pains me to let her go. Especially since my recent "ethical revolution" I've considered just convincing her that I do since it would be so easy. I know she'd eventually realize I didn't, but god if I couldn't get mine in the many years I strung her along. I just couldn't do that, and even if she were happy while she believed it, she'd be devestated by the eventual realization that it wasn't true, and the whole time I wouldn't be really happy, because I want to be in love myself. With Christine I've only tasted just a tiny bit of what Barb feels for me, and it really is its own reward. As I am now, I don't think I really have the capacity to love anyone the way that Barb loves me, or just loves at all. She told me on the phone the other day that now that her mother is gone, she just loves everyone else in her life that much more. I think she's filling this big void with more love for other people. What BETTER way to handle loss than that??? Realy, god she fucking rocks. That's not how I work, but if some day I can find a way to be that way, I know my life and the lives of all those who are a part of it will be that much better. Really I'm so spoiled and privelaged.... and with my decidedly hopeless perspective on existence itself... sigh it's just hard to learn how to cope with loss... and as a result I live life much less deeply... I don't hurt much, but it's not particularly joyous.... maybe that's right for me.... but I'm unendingly jealous of other's deep joy, and incredibly relieved by not experiencing their suffering. Some people I know seek out emotion just because they love to feel... I do NOT enjoy hurting in that way, it is not sweet sorrow, and I don't feel "alive." But I wish I did.
Fuck, there's a whole other bit. I ALWAYS gloss over my philosophy and that's because it is the deepest and most rigourous part of me. I'm quite convinced that I am not only a philosopher, but a fucking fine one at that and nothing less than brilliant. Perhaps I'd be more grounded, but I just don't know anyone who can really engage me on the rational philosophical inquiries I'm working on. I would not be surprised that all that I've discovered on my own is already well fleshed out somewhere, probably hundreds of years ago. I don't know. Most of what I think I know I wouldn't want to convince anyone else of unless they are as dedicated to discovering truth. Since the very meaning of the word truth is so subjective I don't think I've even emparted my meaning, but I just have to let it go. I have to work tomorrow. All I'll say is, what I've discovered to be true also implies there's absolutely know imperative for anyone to know that it's true ever. And so figuring it out is itself an absurd endeavor I only continue with because it is my very nature to NEED to know, no matter what it is. It's certainly not because it has made life easier... not really. If the conclusions I've come to are true, then I easily could skip them, and I don't see any reason to convince other people of them. I don't even wish it on other people. But as I've discussed before, I'm lonely because I consider and believe them alone. Ok I've got to stop, but I swear SOME day, I'll flesh out all this philosophy I elude to in my blogs. There is a LOT to it, and that's part of the problem. It's not a linear thing at all. There are so many axioms and assumptions to discuss before I can get to the reasoning behind anything that I want to talk about that it's difficult to say anything about them without it feeling moot because the logic is flawed without first starting on the same page. My axioms and assumptions are carefully selected to be those that I feel have the strongest evidence to believe in, and just to touch on what has become the most critical one as of late... is it reasonable to assume that paradoxes can't have an ontological existence? This is VERY tricky. ALL logic makes this assumption... it is its defining principle in my opinion. I'm not 100% certain, but I'm fairly certain that "rational" conversation is logical conversation, and so I feel that while there's no way to prove that paradoxes can't have an ontological existence, because logic fundamentally assumes that they can't, no reasonable conversation can be had if you assume they can. The question I need to explore further is, what if you allow a single exception. Can you still have a reasonable conversation if you assume that some finite number of paradoxes exist? I'm unconvinced at the moment for either side. Either you can, and therefor you can draw conclusions about things if the evidence best supports the actual existence of a paradox, or you can't, and any conclusions you make are essentially meaningless. But there's even more to it than that and I've got to close here.
So I've been trying to get back on track with school. I really lost that momentum with the unexpected break and all the other stuff that'd just happened. I'd worked really hard to get on top of my school work too. To really get focused and get my shit together. By the end of the week I was back to square one. I didn't use any of that time to study or look for a job or to accomplish anything. I didn't even cook for myself. I had a lot of big stuff on my mind and I was working through that. I'd probably still be doing it now if I hadn't had that time. I'm not sure what I would have done without it, but probably just dealt with it... poorly. Ok, Tylenol PM is starting to kick in finally... so I'll finish the rest of this tomorrow or sometime, or maybe not at all and it will just get posted like this.
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I don't even know when I wrote the last part, but it's the better part of a week later.
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And now it's even a few more days later than the last sentence. I wonder if I can give a synopsis...
School:
I got a bad grade on my linear algebra test. Monday I'll know how bad it is, but I got slaughtered. I may have passed over my first C since I've come back to college and headed straight to my first D. Because each test is such a significant portion of the grade, it might also have cost me an A in the class. The course started of deceptively easy, with little need to study. It became gradually more difficult and I did not change my study habits to match. If it does end up being the course I get a B in, it would be the best because it's only 3 units.
Japanese I think I aced the test unless I made a few silly mistakes. My best guess is I'm running a mid to high B in the course and if I did particularly well on this last test, it may have opened the door to completing the course with an A. As it is a 5 unit course, it's important to me to get an A as it will have the largest impact on my GPA.
As for Physics and Calc 3, those are pretty much in the bag. Thank god I'm so good at math and physics. Really. I am so freakin' lucky. This shit is hard! But I can do it with a minimum of studying. I can walk into a physics exam with a note card full of formulas and come away with an A with ease. I don't even need to do the homework, although I do spend enough time to make sure that I thoroughly understand the concepts presented, and the exams would be harder, and ARE harder, when the professor puts questions on the test that require you to have already worked through the reasoning behind a particularly tricky problem in the homework to finish in time. They weren't on the last test! I finished with 20 minutes to spare. Unfortunately I DID do something pretty stupid. We're working with circuits, and perhaps practice with the homework would have helped me organize my information better. I did most of the problem in my head, which is fine because I did it right, but because I didn't do the problem as rigourously as I normaly do I made a silly error that propegated through all of my work. I added 2.4 and 3.6 in my head and got 5 instead of 6 and all my other calculations were based on that. Still that only amounts to a point off and I did everything else right, just with a wrong number. Still, once again I robbed myself of a 100% by not being thorough. God nothing erks me like missing a perfect score by 1.
Barb:
Well I don't know what to say about me and Barb. Our relationship is changing, but at least it's not sudden. The new romantic interest in her life has been gone but he'll be back very soon. And thank god for that. He sounds so good for her and is in a better position to be a positive influence in her life than I am. I wish so much that I could be that, but I want to be all things to all people, and sometimes it's hard for me to accept that I can't. I am who I am and I help Barb in my own way, but he can help her in another way, and a way I think she needs a little more. She's holding it together very well, and all I can think is how rough life is for Barb right now. But she's a trooper and I can't help but think that if she can handle this so gracefully, that there's nothing in the world that woman can't handle. She falls apart when she can and I think part of her grudges herself for it. But I understand, and I think everybody does, and I guess maybe she wouldn't be so strong if she didn't push herself so, but sometimes I wish she'd cut herself some slack too. I don't know... I think she forgives herself her own personal grudges too, so I can't say there's really any help she needs in HOW to cope. She's doing it and well. All she needs is love and support, and she's got that from me and so many other wonderful people in her life that appreciate her because she's proven herself to be such a fantastic person. So I know she's going to be ok and that life will go on for her and this isn't going to keep her from enjoying or moving forward with it. But there's a long time to come where she isn't going to be hurting inside, and I wish so much there was something to be done about it, but all there really is is to feel it bit by bit and heal bit by bit.
So I'm also super excited about Barb's present! It came in the mail today! It is perhaps a little different than I'd imagined, but it's no less fantastic. I can't wait to give it to her and I'm anxiously awaiting Christmas. It was also approved by her best friend Ann so I'm not in the least bit concerned that she won't like it. I think she's going to love it and it will be very meaningful to her. I also ordered her birthday present the same day which I'm also looking forward to giving to her. It's not quite as special, or nearly so in my opinion. Never the less, she's guaranteed to like. I need to ruminate about this, but I know Barb reads my blogs so it's hard to, so if you're reading this Barb, you might want to skip the rest of this paragraph (spoilers ahead!). So, because it segways into something sentimental, I'm going to discuss the cost of Barb's gifts. They aren't outrageous, but I have negative cash flow right now, and I don't think Barb would have had me spend quite so much on her (and it isn't really that much). That is to say, she'd appreciate smaller gifts. I don't think she has any expectations that I spend any money on her, and she'd be happy with a gift that cost 50c if it came from the heart and was meaningful. Anyway... I really don't know how to talk about this without it seeming tacky so I just won't say any more. It is already but there's a reason I brought it up. While the first gift I found I just had to have Barb have. I saw it and I thought of her and it just seemed right. I really wanted her ot have it. It's the type of thing I wouldn't bat an eye at the price if I was still working, but now it's kind of like, well I'll make that money when I make it. The second gift, which isn't quite as meaningful.. well I just wasn't happy with it until it cost about the same as the first. Part of it had to do with my never ending need to get a good deal (which in this case came at a higher price tag)... but also has a lot to do with the fact that... well the course for the future is farely well predictable and as she becomes more involved with this new romantic interest, our relationship will become necessarily less intimate and also become a lower priority. A lower priority isn't cataclysmic, but the reality is it means these are my last chances to give Barb gifts based on how well I know who she is right now. I know a lot about who she is, what her tastes are, what she has, and what she wants, and as time progresses all those things about a person change at their own rate, and by next year and the rest too follow it's just a matter of fact that I'm going to be much less privy to them. So, true to form, I can't let my good and noble deeds go without shedding light on their selfish motives. I've "splurged" on these gifts for me, because I believe this is the closest Barb and I are ever going to be, and it's my last opportunity to give to her knowing so well who she his at the time. God I hope she skipped this.
Barb has been having a little bit of seperation anxiety. She loves so deeply and passionately and try as she might she just can't quite let me go completely. I know there will always be love in her heart for me. I'm sure at times she's loved me despite herself, especially after all the advice I'm sure she's received from trusted friends and confidants to "kick me to the curb." I can imagine how those conversations have gone. I'm thinking of the "yes" men friends, and the only response to her plight is summed up easily: "well fuck him for not loving you." Such advice is only a band-aid though and ignores the fact that love is definitely not rational and any time she might wish she didn't love me the part of her that does protests vehemently. She focused on my selfishness, which I've spent a LOT fo time thinking about the past few weeks. I'm sure because it's fresh in my mind she's also seen me trying to work on those selfish aspects of my person, and that has only served to weaken her resolve to move on. I still think she's committed, but "the other guy" has been gone and really at the worst time. Not noticing Barb's hair was a big deal, or well... I mean, even I knew I "messed up" big then, but I understand the circumstances and I've thought about it long and hard and I don't think it illustrates the selfishness that Barb has attributed to it, and perhaps I've convinced her of that a little bit since. But god... how awful! She said my nature was to be selfish! Like it's part of who I am! Well... in some ways that's true, and there are what I call reasonable selfishnesses and then the kind that carry the negative connotation we typically attribute to the word. Well... I think I've discussed this at length actually so anyway... she was really focusing on that and I think that was helping her move on... but I don't know... love is like good sex and it's easy to overlook things, so I think she lapsed back into me again because this is obviously not the time to cut those feelings off with nobody else around. Not that I'm saying that her current interest is just "anybody." Far from it, which is why I think it's made sticking to letting me go impossible. Now that he's back, I think she'll be so occupied and titillated by exploring her new love that the bite of letting go of her love for me won't be so harsh. Sad when she remembers it, but perhaps in a more bitter sweet way. As for me... I don't think I let myself attach myself to what Barb and I had the way I had before. When Barb took her time to get over me last spring, I didn't quite get at first that she needed to extricate herself from me almost totally, and when I realized that's what she needed and what she really meant, I took it badly. I mean, I didn't really act on it, but I was pretty sour for a couple of weeks and there was a lot of turmoil. I really didn't like the spiteful thoughts it brought up too and I felt guilty. She took herself from me and that hurt. I mean, rationally I didn't blame her, but the child in me had a fucking fit. Maybe it came through just a tiny bit at first, but thankfully the best part of her not seeing me, is that I couldn't make an ass of myself.
So I'm happy that this guy has been gone. As a side note, I'm really looking forward and dreading to meet him. Jealousy is only natural and he has a lot of enviable traits. I really wish I'd met him before and gotten to know him because there's just this inescapable rivalry that happens between men over women where we silently size eachother up to see who is the better mate. Yea, I don't think that's just a guy thing either. And it's not the type of thing that I'd expect this particular guy or myself to turn into anything bad. It's just that I don't want that to taint getting to know him. He really does sound awesome so I don't want any part of me to be thinking of him in any kind of competitive way. And while Barb's love may fade to the background, if it doesn't actually disapear as I think it won't, Barb would have to do an exceptionally convincing job that it has, otherwise he's likely to always be sizing me up, trying to understand what could make a woman love me the way she does. Naturally, everybody wants to be loved the most. Man... I can't get into a discourse on polyamory right now... so even though I feel it leaves what I've said a little incomplete (there's more to this story than what I've said, and I wish I had the time to clarify...) my point is, there's a natural tendency between people to want to feel like they're the best for someone, which tends to add more significance to the observed faults in the competition. That's what I'm worried about... that our relationship is going to start with that kind of subtle critical eye. And god knows I'm critical enough as it is. So I'm going to work hard on avoiding that on my part and if I always felt the way I do now it would be easy. But as I lose my place in Barb's priorities to him, it's going to take effort to be impartial. At the crudest of emotional levels, he's taking Barb away from me, and the response is to find out how to be better than him to get her back. And that's really simple, all I'd have to be is in love with her, and I'm not, and that's why it pains me to let her go. Especially since my recent "ethical revolution" I've considered just convincing her that I do since it would be so easy. I know she'd eventually realize I didn't, but god if I couldn't get mine in the many years I strung her along. I just couldn't do that, and even if she were happy while she believed it, she'd be devestated by the eventual realization that it wasn't true, and the whole time I wouldn't be really happy, because I want to be in love myself. With Christine I've only tasted just a tiny bit of what Barb feels for me, and it really is its own reward. As I am now, I don't think I really have the capacity to love anyone the way that Barb loves me, or just loves at all. She told me on the phone the other day that now that her mother is gone, she just loves everyone else in her life that much more. I think she's filling this big void with more love for other people. What BETTER way to handle loss than that??? Realy, god she fucking rocks. That's not how I work, but if some day I can find a way to be that way, I know my life and the lives of all those who are a part of it will be that much better. Really I'm so spoiled and privelaged.... and with my decidedly hopeless perspective on existence itself... sigh it's just hard to learn how to cope with loss... and as a result I live life much less deeply... I don't hurt much, but it's not particularly joyous.... maybe that's right for me.... but I'm unendingly jealous of other's deep joy, and incredibly relieved by not experiencing their suffering. Some people I know seek out emotion just because they love to feel... I do NOT enjoy hurting in that way, it is not sweet sorrow, and I don't feel "alive." But I wish I did.
Fuck, there's a whole other bit. I ALWAYS gloss over my philosophy and that's because it is the deepest and most rigourous part of me. I'm quite convinced that I am not only a philosopher, but a fucking fine one at that and nothing less than brilliant. Perhaps I'd be more grounded, but I just don't know anyone who can really engage me on the rational philosophical inquiries I'm working on. I would not be surprised that all that I've discovered on my own is already well fleshed out somewhere, probably hundreds of years ago. I don't know. Most of what I think I know I wouldn't want to convince anyone else of unless they are as dedicated to discovering truth. Since the very meaning of the word truth is so subjective I don't think I've even emparted my meaning, but I just have to let it go. I have to work tomorrow. All I'll say is, what I've discovered to be true also implies there's absolutely know imperative for anyone to know that it's true ever. And so figuring it out is itself an absurd endeavor I only continue with because it is my very nature to NEED to know, no matter what it is. It's certainly not because it has made life easier... not really. If the conclusions I've come to are true, then I easily could skip them, and I don't see any reason to convince other people of them. I don't even wish it on other people. But as I've discussed before, I'm lonely because I consider and believe them alone. Ok I've got to stop, but I swear SOME day, I'll flesh out all this philosophy I elude to in my blogs. There is a LOT to it, and that's part of the problem. It's not a linear thing at all. There are so many axioms and assumptions to discuss before I can get to the reasoning behind anything that I want to talk about that it's difficult to say anything about them without it feeling moot because the logic is flawed without first starting on the same page. My axioms and assumptions are carefully selected to be those that I feel have the strongest evidence to believe in, and just to touch on what has become the most critical one as of late... is it reasonable to assume that paradoxes can't have an ontological existence? This is VERY tricky. ALL logic makes this assumption... it is its defining principle in my opinion. I'm not 100% certain, but I'm fairly certain that "rational" conversation is logical conversation, and so I feel that while there's no way to prove that paradoxes can't have an ontological existence, because logic fundamentally assumes that they can't, no reasonable conversation can be had if you assume they can. The question I need to explore further is, what if you allow a single exception. Can you still have a reasonable conversation if you assume that some finite number of paradoxes exist? I'm unconvinced at the moment for either side. Either you can, and therefor you can draw conclusions about things if the evidence best supports the actual existence of a paradox, or you can't, and any conclusions you make are essentially meaningless. But there's even more to it than that and I've got to close here.