Birthday weekend
So let's see. A lot has happened over the past 5 days so let me head back.
On Wednesday morning Barb gave me a call shortly before 9 to let me know that her mother was in serious condition. I must have been in deep sleep (stage 4) because I was really out of it and hadn't been dreaming. I fumbled for a little bit trying to get ahold of the gravity of the situation. We'd been planning on doing a bunch of stuff for my birthday weekend including a concert and she wasn't sure if she was going to go and was very distraught. I really didn't know what to say or do right then and I finished waking up after we got off the phone. I was up about 40 minutes early and was thinking of just blowing off my linear algebra class and heading over there. I needed to go back to school for Japanese at 1:00. I spent most of the morning trying to figure out what I should do and decided to just head out to my class and see about blowing off work since they'd only scheduled me for one hour at the very end of the night (or so I'd been told in a poorly drafted email.) I thought Barb might need some space and I wasn't sure what I was going to do if I rushed over there. I went through my linear algebra class and Japanese and then went to go check in at the library. I was just going to tell them to take that one hour and shove it (but nicer) considering it would have been my only hour for the week and I had better things to do, like study and comfort Barb. But my shift had not changed as I'd thought and I ended up working. Waiting in the library for work to start I got a text from Barb informing my her mother had passed away. I thought I might try and see her after work, but unfortunately that evening was not like the last time I'd worked. Instead of no people showing up I had 4 people I was helping and I was moving around the lab non-stop from 6-9:30. After that I had to head home and study for my physics and calculus tests the next day. I woke up Thursday and took both tests and finished class at 7:00 that evening. Barb had made plans to be with her room mate and best friend Ann for thursday already, so they spent the day together. Originally I was going to go over to her place after that but she needed her space. She sent me a message saying she definitely still wanted to go to the concert which I thought was a little strange and I had some concerns about that. She came over at 4:00 on Friday and we headed up to the concert. We listened to some comedy, she filled me in on the details of how the last couple of days had been and how she was feeling and her plans for coping. She mentioned how great her friend/co-worker Kevin had been the past couple days and that there was some was some mutual interest between them. I'll talk about that in a little bit. The concert went well. When we got there I was a little disoriented from the stress of the drive and the conversation we'd been having. I also took a couple big gulps from a monster I'd been avoiding drinking because I had to pee on the way up and didn't want to make it anyworse. We walked quite a ways down to the new Nokia Theatre and then we were bombarded by bright lights and horrible advertising on a dozen big screens surrounding the front courtyard. There were geeks everywhere and no crowd control whatsoever. There were several lines to get in and it wasn't easy to tell which was which. For the life of me I couldn't concentrate. All I wanted to do was go up to someone and ask which lines were which and if they were already letting people in. It sounded like there was supposed to be a little more stuff to see before the show and I was curious where that stuff was. Anyway, after finally taking a few seconds to concentrate, I found in myself the ability to build a coherent sentence and went after someone official looking person Barb had pointed out. He told me the lines were the lines to get in. He didn't tell me that some lines let different sections in. We ended getting in the line the let anybody in, and it was the slowest moving line of all. That kind of sucked. I've had a few conversations about my assertiveness with Barb and we had one there. I've realized that I tend to be a lot less assertive around Barb because she's usually assertive enough for the both of us. I tend to be more assertive with other people, and especially by myself. I've noticed Barb doesn't really follow my lead when I do assert myself around her so it's easier just to follow hers. But I've also realized I tend to expect her to do the asserting so I wait for it and miss things when it doesn't come. Anyway, that's not all that important, but it's a dynamic I noticed that night and thought about.
The show itself was pretty cool, but I just don't have the time to list off what was cool about it. Video game music. Live. Lots of big people from within the industry were there. I sat close to some of them. I was 4 seats away from the inventer of pong. I have no idea what his name is and I don't really care. But that was novel never the less. Barb had a pretty good time and I think it helped take her thoughts off her mom for a while, except when they began playing the music to The Legend of Zelda, which she and her mom played together. She cried through that and fortunately there was an intermission right after. We went out and got another beer and Barb took a moment and went to the bathroom to compose herself. The rest of the concert was good and we headed home. We stopped in at a Denny's and then Barb fell asleep on the rest of the way home. We parted ways at my house and she drove herself home. We haven't talked since.
Oh and before we went to the show Barb gave me my birthday gifts. She gave me a monogrammed flask with my name on the front and "My Beloved Friend" on the back. She also gave me this cool fractal wall calendar that should brighten up my room. I can't wait to get an opportunity to use the flask, but I want to get a little satchel for it so I don't scratch it up.
Ok, that's kind of a synopsis of things up to Saturday. I have to say that I've felt kind of impotent to help Barb since I had so much going on the first 48 hours after her mother passed away and then immediately headed in to celebrating my birthday after that. We had a good time and I'm glad Barb came along, but ultimately I felt kind of shitty celebrating my birthday then. I hadn't even had the opportunity to comfort her at all and the whole time Barb felt kind of distant and resistant to even a comforting hug. I think she just didn't want to succumb to grief right then on my birthday. She wanted to be happy and to have fun, I think as much for herself as for me. I hope so. Anyway, I consider Barb and I pretty close and I just haven't gotten to be any part of her morning and as a close friend it just feels wrong. All I've done is celebrate my birthday with her and that makes me feel shitty. And I don't really have any perspective to offer her or comforting words. The last thing she needs right now is insight from my personal philosophy and that keeps me from having anything genuine to say that won't hurt her. I know a lot of things that she'd like to hear and that would be comforting, but I'm pretty sure if I said them she'd see right through me and be hurt by the underlying cynicism. So far all I can think of doing is just not say anything at all. Past experience has proven I can do worse. The best I can do is listen and provide empathy without comment, but I don't think she's quite ready for that. I think she needs to work through things alone and my presence would just be an intrusion on very personal grief right now. Still I feel very helpless. She's hurting and there's nothing I can do to help.
It seems Kevin has been very helpful and has been right there for her. I wasn't suprised when she told me there was mutual interest between them, it already seemed like possibility from things she'd been saying for a while. It did hit me kind of hard though. She was talking about how great Kevin had been and here I was with her having done or said pretty much nothing heading to go celebrate my birthday. So that didn't make me feel all the swell, nor did the implications. Barb and I resemble an item in many ways. If she starts dating Kevin big things will change in our relationship, and I'll be sad to see them go. But we'll still be good friends, and I'm even excited about the prospect of her dating him and very happy for her. He sounds like a great guy who is totally in to her and will treat her the way she deserves. Unfortunately, that contributed to a kind of low feeling that's kind of been lingering.
I guess I have to talk about the rest of what's going on later if at all. Right now California is on fire. School has been cancelled today and tomorrow. My dad picked up my grandparents and brought them here from Escondido last night and I haven't been following the news for the last hour or so. I'm not sure what's going on but my dad is starting to get things prepared in case we need to evacuate, so I better post this and start figuring out what I want to bring with me if we need to leave.
On Wednesday morning Barb gave me a call shortly before 9 to let me know that her mother was in serious condition. I must have been in deep sleep (stage 4) because I was really out of it and hadn't been dreaming. I fumbled for a little bit trying to get ahold of the gravity of the situation. We'd been planning on doing a bunch of stuff for my birthday weekend including a concert and she wasn't sure if she was going to go and was very distraught. I really didn't know what to say or do right then and I finished waking up after we got off the phone. I was up about 40 minutes early and was thinking of just blowing off my linear algebra class and heading over there. I needed to go back to school for Japanese at 1:00. I spent most of the morning trying to figure out what I should do and decided to just head out to my class and see about blowing off work since they'd only scheduled me for one hour at the very end of the night (or so I'd been told in a poorly drafted email.) I thought Barb might need some space and I wasn't sure what I was going to do if I rushed over there. I went through my linear algebra class and Japanese and then went to go check in at the library. I was just going to tell them to take that one hour and shove it (but nicer) considering it would have been my only hour for the week and I had better things to do, like study and comfort Barb. But my shift had not changed as I'd thought and I ended up working. Waiting in the library for work to start I got a text from Barb informing my her mother had passed away. I thought I might try and see her after work, but unfortunately that evening was not like the last time I'd worked. Instead of no people showing up I had 4 people I was helping and I was moving around the lab non-stop from 6-9:30. After that I had to head home and study for my physics and calculus tests the next day. I woke up Thursday and took both tests and finished class at 7:00 that evening. Barb had made plans to be with her room mate and best friend Ann for thursday already, so they spent the day together. Originally I was going to go over to her place after that but she needed her space. She sent me a message saying she definitely still wanted to go to the concert which I thought was a little strange and I had some concerns about that. She came over at 4:00 on Friday and we headed up to the concert. We listened to some comedy, she filled me in on the details of how the last couple of days had been and how she was feeling and her plans for coping. She mentioned how great her friend/co-worker Kevin had been the past couple days and that there was some was some mutual interest between them. I'll talk about that in a little bit. The concert went well. When we got there I was a little disoriented from the stress of the drive and the conversation we'd been having. I also took a couple big gulps from a monster I'd been avoiding drinking because I had to pee on the way up and didn't want to make it anyworse. We walked quite a ways down to the new Nokia Theatre and then we were bombarded by bright lights and horrible advertising on a dozen big screens surrounding the front courtyard. There were geeks everywhere and no crowd control whatsoever. There were several lines to get in and it wasn't easy to tell which was which. For the life of me I couldn't concentrate. All I wanted to do was go up to someone and ask which lines were which and if they were already letting people in. It sounded like there was supposed to be a little more stuff to see before the show and I was curious where that stuff was. Anyway, after finally taking a few seconds to concentrate, I found in myself the ability to build a coherent sentence and went after someone official looking person Barb had pointed out. He told me the lines were the lines to get in. He didn't tell me that some lines let different sections in. We ended getting in the line the let anybody in, and it was the slowest moving line of all. That kind of sucked. I've had a few conversations about my assertiveness with Barb and we had one there. I've realized that I tend to be a lot less assertive around Barb because she's usually assertive enough for the both of us. I tend to be more assertive with other people, and especially by myself. I've noticed Barb doesn't really follow my lead when I do assert myself around her so it's easier just to follow hers. But I've also realized I tend to expect her to do the asserting so I wait for it and miss things when it doesn't come. Anyway, that's not all that important, but it's a dynamic I noticed that night and thought about.
The show itself was pretty cool, but I just don't have the time to list off what was cool about it. Video game music. Live. Lots of big people from within the industry were there. I sat close to some of them. I was 4 seats away from the inventer of pong. I have no idea what his name is and I don't really care. But that was novel never the less. Barb had a pretty good time and I think it helped take her thoughts off her mom for a while, except when they began playing the music to The Legend of Zelda, which she and her mom played together. She cried through that and fortunately there was an intermission right after. We went out and got another beer and Barb took a moment and went to the bathroom to compose herself. The rest of the concert was good and we headed home. We stopped in at a Denny's and then Barb fell asleep on the rest of the way home. We parted ways at my house and she drove herself home. We haven't talked since.
Oh and before we went to the show Barb gave me my birthday gifts. She gave me a monogrammed flask with my name on the front and "My Beloved Friend" on the back. She also gave me this cool fractal wall calendar that should brighten up my room. I can't wait to get an opportunity to use the flask, but I want to get a little satchel for it so I don't scratch it up.
Ok, that's kind of a synopsis of things up to Saturday. I have to say that I've felt kind of impotent to help Barb since I had so much going on the first 48 hours after her mother passed away and then immediately headed in to celebrating my birthday after that. We had a good time and I'm glad Barb came along, but ultimately I felt kind of shitty celebrating my birthday then. I hadn't even had the opportunity to comfort her at all and the whole time Barb felt kind of distant and resistant to even a comforting hug. I think she just didn't want to succumb to grief right then on my birthday. She wanted to be happy and to have fun, I think as much for herself as for me. I hope so. Anyway, I consider Barb and I pretty close and I just haven't gotten to be any part of her morning and as a close friend it just feels wrong. All I've done is celebrate my birthday with her and that makes me feel shitty. And I don't really have any perspective to offer her or comforting words. The last thing she needs right now is insight from my personal philosophy and that keeps me from having anything genuine to say that won't hurt her. I know a lot of things that she'd like to hear and that would be comforting, but I'm pretty sure if I said them she'd see right through me and be hurt by the underlying cynicism. So far all I can think of doing is just not say anything at all. Past experience has proven I can do worse. The best I can do is listen and provide empathy without comment, but I don't think she's quite ready for that. I think she needs to work through things alone and my presence would just be an intrusion on very personal grief right now. Still I feel very helpless. She's hurting and there's nothing I can do to help.
It seems Kevin has been very helpful and has been right there for her. I wasn't suprised when she told me there was mutual interest between them, it already seemed like possibility from things she'd been saying for a while. It did hit me kind of hard though. She was talking about how great Kevin had been and here I was with her having done or said pretty much nothing heading to go celebrate my birthday. So that didn't make me feel all the swell, nor did the implications. Barb and I resemble an item in many ways. If she starts dating Kevin big things will change in our relationship, and I'll be sad to see them go. But we'll still be good friends, and I'm even excited about the prospect of her dating him and very happy for her. He sounds like a great guy who is totally in to her and will treat her the way she deserves. Unfortunately, that contributed to a kind of low feeling that's kind of been lingering.
I guess I have to talk about the rest of what's going on later if at all. Right now California is on fire. School has been cancelled today and tomorrow. My dad picked up my grandparents and brought them here from Escondido last night and I haven't been following the news for the last hour or so. I'm not sure what's going on but my dad is starting to get things prepared in case we need to evacuate, so I better post this and start figuring out what I want to bring with me if we need to leave.