Paradigm shift
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
From MySpace Blog
Paradigm shift
Much has happened since my finals (with the exception of philosophy) ended more than a week ago. With the exception of my philosophy class all my grades are in and they're all 'A's. I'm likely to get an A in philosophy, but then I worry that I didn't cover what was really discussed in class while answering quite an open question. It's likely that I will get an 'A', but there's room for doubt. I'll know soon.
I helped my mom and her fiancé pick up a new 5th wheel. After the RV trip this summer and hanging out at the 5th wheel dealership last weekend, I'm afraid I've been infected with far more information about contemporary mobile-living technology than I was ever meant to know. Tragic as that may be, overall picking up the 37' monstrosity and getting the hitch bolted onto the truck went rather smoothly, if not slowly. Likewise, the drive home was uneventful despite the apprehension all three of us felt about towing the giant.
That night Barb and I took off to go see Jessica and friends down in San Diego at Bar Dynamite. Before we met up with them Barb and I consumed some vodka and Monster. Skirting the rain, we entered this Hawaiian/Thai (?) restaurant Barb wanted me to experience. Despite being out of their "One Fantastic Egg Roll"s, which I was assured was indeed truly fantastic, we enjoyed the food we ordered while having a lively chat stimulated by the taurine and liberated by the vodka. I believe the conversation was dominated largely by my philosophical views, particularly their logical backings.
We cruised over to Bar Dynamite and quickly met up with everyone. I had a good time briefly catching up with Jessica, Scott, Paul, and Amie. Anyone else I caught up with fails my immediate memory. Barb and I were there for a short time, barely long enough to consume a long island ice tea. I forget if I even finished it. At some point Barb and I got onto a conversation that had been waiting to be had for quite some time. I do not regret that we had the conversation then, as it was one that needed to happen when it needed to happen. I can only note my disappointment in its unfortunate timing, although a part of me feels the timing's inconvenient nature was an inevitability. I doubt it could have happened in the comfortable and distracting environment of home.
Without publicly posting too much detail about a private conversation, I'll say that we both got to fully express our feelings and perspectives on our relationship. I would not say that there was a resolution, but at least an understanding. I fear a dangerous quality lurking within the view Barb has taken. Never the less, we've arrived at an impasse where no more evidence can be brought to the table. It comes down to beliefs about a particular aspect of our relationship. Regardless of what may be the reality of the situation, it would appear neither one of us are currently in a position to do anything about it. I'd considered her position long before we discussed it and found it to be an undeniable possibility. I'd considered all I have to gain from adopting her perspective and I'd given it no small amount of thought. I found that if it is true, I don't know what to do about it. Fortunately, if it is someone's problem, Barb has left it as mine, and, for the time being, it seems the issue will rest, leaving us to enjoy our friendship.
We spoke out in the car for several hours until I'd sobered up. We headed home and after consuming some Carl's Jr. we continued to talk and drink until 6 in the morning. The evening covered much of what consumed me since the beginning of the school semester. A large portion of my thoughts were turned towards my relationship with Barb and my philosophy. My philosophy was particularly fueled by my philosophy class. Who'd have guessed?
I feel I'm entering another one of my personal "paradigm shifts." It's been long and protracted, and no doubt I've changed a great deal even over the last 6 months. Two catalytic experiences I shared with Barb have rocketed me along the renaissance of my person and I feel the next is due very soon. It's hard to say if I will find myself quickly developing into a new person as I have in the past or if I will experience the change in the more graduated manner that has manifested itself more recently.
It seems I may soon find a resolution to my belief that life has no ultimate meaning. The philosophical discussion is best done elsewhere and at another time. It would take a great deal to explain why I believe the things I do despite the clear inconvenience. For a long time, I've been trying to develop an acceptable justification for living a life without ultimate meaning or purpose. I've found justifications for living a life that has meaning, just not ultimate meaning, to be lacking. Still, it may seem obvious to some, but I've only recently questioned why life has to have an ultimate meaning. Why should I not be motivated by some circular meaning, or a meaning that ends? I have issues with both concepts and it seems having thought about them for a bit, I may still find them unacceptable but perhaps not. There's another line of reasoning I just started today that looks very promising.
Keep in mind it's all very irrelevant until one find's themselves in a truly dire position which demands justification for perseverance. I find this phenomenon to be true when it comes to achieving any single one of my more lofty goals. They will not be accomplished without drive and passion and a perspective that sees a world without purpose does not nurture these qualities. I hope that someday I will be able to offer a rational perspective to those who've arrived at the same conclusions as I have. Some people seem to be able to choose what they believe based on how convenient it is or how it might placate their feelings. I'm bound to beliefs that seem the most likely to be true. I could not truly believe something I found to be implausible, especially in the place of a belief I felt was far more likely based on my logic and intuition. This has left me with a lot of unpleasant beliefs. I hope to find a rational perspective that might help justify persevering through those belief's nastiest implications.
There's a lot more going on behind what I've said, but it is the gist of the problem I've been working on for years. My first big break through was justifying not killing myself. Unfortunately, I see now the same justification can be used for any inaction. And life got better, but there was a time when I struggled to justify waiting around to see if it would.
Glad to have that synopsis written down. It might serve as a good template to explain the problem in the future. I'll always have more to say, but this is plenty. Winter break is upon me and I'm trying my best to visit friends and accomplish things. Still, I've lazed out quite a bit the past week. I'm trying to keep it from becoming a habit. Back to reality.
From MySpace Blog
Paradigm shift
Much has happened since my finals (with the exception of philosophy) ended more than a week ago. With the exception of my philosophy class all my grades are in and they're all 'A's. I'm likely to get an A in philosophy, but then I worry that I didn't cover what was really discussed in class while answering quite an open question. It's likely that I will get an 'A', but there's room for doubt. I'll know soon.
I helped my mom and her fiancé pick up a new 5th wheel. After the RV trip this summer and hanging out at the 5th wheel dealership last weekend, I'm afraid I've been infected with far more information about contemporary mobile-living technology than I was ever meant to know. Tragic as that may be, overall picking up the 37' monstrosity and getting the hitch bolted onto the truck went rather smoothly, if not slowly. Likewise, the drive home was uneventful despite the apprehension all three of us felt about towing the giant.
That night Barb and I took off to go see Jessica and friends down in San Diego at Bar Dynamite. Before we met up with them Barb and I consumed some vodka and Monster. Skirting the rain, we entered this Hawaiian/Thai (?) restaurant Barb wanted me to experience. Despite being out of their "One Fantastic Egg Roll"s, which I was assured was indeed truly fantastic, we enjoyed the food we ordered while having a lively chat stimulated by the taurine and liberated by the vodka. I believe the conversation was dominated largely by my philosophical views, particularly their logical backings.
We cruised over to Bar Dynamite and quickly met up with everyone. I had a good time briefly catching up with Jessica, Scott, Paul, and Amie. Anyone else I caught up with fails my immediate memory. Barb and I were there for a short time, barely long enough to consume a long island ice tea. I forget if I even finished it. At some point Barb and I got onto a conversation that had been waiting to be had for quite some time. I do not regret that we had the conversation then, as it was one that needed to happen when it needed to happen. I can only note my disappointment in its unfortunate timing, although a part of me feels the timing's inconvenient nature was an inevitability. I doubt it could have happened in the comfortable and distracting environment of home.
Without publicly posting too much detail about a private conversation, I'll say that we both got to fully express our feelings and perspectives on our relationship. I would not say that there was a resolution, but at least an understanding. I fear a dangerous quality lurking within the view Barb has taken. Never the less, we've arrived at an impasse where no more evidence can be brought to the table. It comes down to beliefs about a particular aspect of our relationship. Regardless of what may be the reality of the situation, it would appear neither one of us are currently in a position to do anything about it. I'd considered her position long before we discussed it and found it to be an undeniable possibility. I'd considered all I have to gain from adopting her perspective and I'd given it no small amount of thought. I found that if it is true, I don't know what to do about it. Fortunately, if it is someone's problem, Barb has left it as mine, and, for the time being, it seems the issue will rest, leaving us to enjoy our friendship.
We spoke out in the car for several hours until I'd sobered up. We headed home and after consuming some Carl's Jr. we continued to talk and drink until 6 in the morning. The evening covered much of what consumed me since the beginning of the school semester. A large portion of my thoughts were turned towards my relationship with Barb and my philosophy. My philosophy was particularly fueled by my philosophy class. Who'd have guessed?
I feel I'm entering another one of my personal "paradigm shifts." It's been long and protracted, and no doubt I've changed a great deal even over the last 6 months. Two catalytic experiences I shared with Barb have rocketed me along the renaissance of my person and I feel the next is due very soon. It's hard to say if I will find myself quickly developing into a new person as I have in the past or if I will experience the change in the more graduated manner that has manifested itself more recently.
It seems I may soon find a resolution to my belief that life has no ultimate meaning. The philosophical discussion is best done elsewhere and at another time. It would take a great deal to explain why I believe the things I do despite the clear inconvenience. For a long time, I've been trying to develop an acceptable justification for living a life without ultimate meaning or purpose. I've found justifications for living a life that has meaning, just not ultimate meaning, to be lacking. Still, it may seem obvious to some, but I've only recently questioned why life has to have an ultimate meaning. Why should I not be motivated by some circular meaning, or a meaning that ends? I have issues with both concepts and it seems having thought about them for a bit, I may still find them unacceptable but perhaps not. There's another line of reasoning I just started today that looks very promising.
Keep in mind it's all very irrelevant until one find's themselves in a truly dire position which demands justification for perseverance. I find this phenomenon to be true when it comes to achieving any single one of my more lofty goals. They will not be accomplished without drive and passion and a perspective that sees a world without purpose does not nurture these qualities. I hope that someday I will be able to offer a rational perspective to those who've arrived at the same conclusions as I have. Some people seem to be able to choose what they believe based on how convenient it is or how it might placate their feelings. I'm bound to beliefs that seem the most likely to be true. I could not truly believe something I found to be implausible, especially in the place of a belief I felt was far more likely based on my logic and intuition. This has left me with a lot of unpleasant beliefs. I hope to find a rational perspective that might help justify persevering through those belief's nastiest implications.
There's a lot more going on behind what I've said, but it is the gist of the problem I've been working on for years. My first big break through was justifying not killing myself. Unfortunately, I see now the same justification can be used for any inaction. And life got better, but there was a time when I struggled to justify waiting around to see if it would.
Glad to have that synopsis written down. It might serve as a good template to explain the problem in the future. I'll always have more to say, but this is plenty. Winter break is upon me and I'm trying my best to visit friends and accomplish things. Still, I've lazed out quite a bit the past week. I'm trying to keep it from becoming a habit. Back to reality.