They Say Breathing Helps (2/2)

[silentpoetry1]

Previous

Jared ran into Jensen at college the next day, near the Arts building. And kind of- ran into as in... well, literally ran into. “Shit! I’m sorry!” He reached down and took Jensen’s hand. It was warm and dry.

By the way, this totally would’ve happened anyway even if Jared hadn’t taken an unneeded detour past the Arts building.

Jared reached out once Jensen was up on his feet again, brushing him down, his woollen sweater coarse against his fingers. “Sorry,” repeated Jared.

“Relax,” smiled Jensen. “How’re you?”

“Great! Fine! I’m great and... yeah, fine. How are you?”

“Well, you nearly broke my tailbone I’m pretty sure-I’m not meant to be back in hospital for another two weeks,” Jensen leaned down, picking up all the books Jared had knocked onto the ground.

“Here-lemme help,” Jared crouched down, bumping shoulders with Jensen, and grabbed up the textbooks. He took the remaining one out of Jensen’s hands as well. “I’ll carry them.”

“No, you really don’t have-”

“I didn’t tell you? Okay, uh, this is kind of embarrassing... but carrying other people’s books is like sex to me. Don’t deny me. Please, man.”

Jensen chuckled. “You’re an idiot,” he said, but he let Jared carry the books.

“I had a great time last night,” said Jared conversationally, shifting so he had a better hold of the books and beginning to walk. “I was gonna text you to tell you that, but I figured I’d stalk you this morning then strategically tackle you instead. Had more oomph and was more... fitting, somehow.”

“More oomph is right. I had a great time, too.”

“So you wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again sometime?”

Jensen smiled shyly. “Not really opposed as such, nope.”

“So, you’d like to go get a coffee with me this afternoon?”

“Sounds great.”

“Awesome. Will I get another kiss?” he asked.

Jensen shook his head, amused. “We’ll have to see about that.”

Jared began sorting through Jensen’s books. “Hey, what’s this one?” he asked, holding up a black journal in his hand.

Jensen glanced over. “Oh, my art journal.”

They stopped outside the Art building. “Can I’ve a look?” asked Jared.

“Uh... my class is here-maybe another time, yeah?”

“Okay,” said Jared, handing Jensen his books back. “I’ll text you after class.”

-

“You know, when you agreed to have a coffee with me, I thought you actually... well... liked coffee.”

Jensen chuckled. “Nah, but I love muffins,” he said, tearing a piece off his blueberry one.

Jared reached across the table and snagged a piece, popping it into his mouth and giving Jensen a wink. The muffin was warm, fluffy and sweet in his mouth. “Mmm. I do as well now. You’re an epic muffin-selector.”

Jensen chuckled. “Glad to have your approval.”

“Respect it. My approval is earned, not given.”

“I’ll cherish it forever,” said Jensen seriously, before shaking his head and smiling, taking another bite of his muffin.

“How was your class today?”

“Pretty good, thanks... did some life drawing. What about you?”

“Good, man. I’m gonna have to steal notes off the guy I’m sitting next to, though. I’m too easily distracted, fucking sucks.”

“That’s too bad.”

“I think you should be my English professor.”

“Why’s that?”

“’Cause you keep my attention.”

Jensen smiled shyly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Finish your coffee.”

Jared grinned. “It’s true,” he declared, stealing another piece of Jensen’s muffin. “So, you said you hadn’t been on a date since high school? I’m that amazingly good-looking?”

Jensen played with the remnants of his muffin. “No,” he said, before his eyes widened a little, “I mean-you’re attractive. Maybe not amazingly so, but you are,” Jensen smirked at him. “Just... not a lot of people have seen me up at the hospital, y’know, all sick and disgusting...”

“Oh,” said Jared. “Y’know what? I think you should be a comedian. You tell some mean jokes, dude.”

“Huh?”

“You’re not sick-well, you are kind of sick. Okay, really sick. But you’re not disgusting. At all.”

Jensen smiled lightly. “Thanks,” he shrugged, waving off the reassurance.

Jared flicked some of the crumbs off Jensen’s plate at him. “Hey,” he said, “I mean it.”

Jensen gave him a tiny smile.

“There’s that smile! I’m adding some cash to my comedy fund for that.”

“What’s that?”

“My comedy fund? Oh-it’s just this really big jar I’ve had for about a year now... I put spare change in it whenever I can. When I make it, I’ll crack it open and celebrate.”

“That’s sounds really nice,” said Jensen, looking up at Jared’s eyes. “How much d’you think you’ve saved up?

“I dunno. A couple of hundred dollars maybe? I’ll shout you a drink with it. Water, I know.”

“Actually... I’m getting my transplant this year. Might be able to have a beer soon.”

“Wow! That is so fucking awesome, Jensen!”

“Shh,” said Jensen, but he was grinning. Wider than Jared had seen him before.

-

The children’s floor was bright and imaginative. Walls decorated with colourful handprints and halls decorated with cries of laughter. Stark whiteness and the smell of sickness washed away here, like the tide on a beach. Jared loved the kids’ ward-the personality, the games, the fun, the laughter.

When he entered the cancer ward, there wasn’t just laughter, but shrieking and stomping and yelling.

“Jared!”

Jared let out a surprised noise as roughly five children crash-tackled him. “Agh!” he cried as he fell backwards, swinging his arms around to try and keep balance. He ended up on his ass.

The kids laughed and climbed over him, little hands and feet digging into his stomach and legs. “Jared, Jared! We haven’t seen you in forever! Come see our new toys!”

Jared laughed breathlessly. “Sure, just let me get up.”

They giggled and ran back across the ward to grab their toys.

There was something about sick kids, thought Jared as he stood up, something inspirational. Saddening, but something that could make you smile. Their determination, probably-the way their illness didn’t slow them down even when their skin paled and they lost their hair to chemotherapy. “What’s this?” asked Jared, taking a teddy bear off one of the little girls-Stacey.

“Teddy bear!”

“I used to have one of these,” said Jared, “this one is a mighty fine specimen.” Stacy giggled. “Stacy-princess, wouldn’t you say this is a marvellous-looking bear?”

“Yes,” she grinned, nodding furiously.

Jared smiled and handed it to her, tickling her face with its fur. “Does he have a name?”

“Bernie!”

“Good name,” approved Jared, wincing when something stuck into his side.

“Hands up!” cried a small voice as something pointy was pressed harder against Jared’s hip.

Jared put his hands up. “You’ve caught me!”

All the kids laughed. “James’s a pirate now,” said one of the boys, holding a toy truck to his chest.

Jared grinned, hands still in the air as he turned around slowly to look down at the little blonde-haired boy. “A pirate, huh?” he asked. James grinned and poked him with the gray, plastic sword again while the other kids shrieked. James was the little ringleader.

“Yup! Jared, you’re a scurvy dog,” he accused.

“Nah,” said Jared, “I just smell like one. Wanna whiff?”

The kids screamed and turned around, tearing off along the ward, their bare feet pattering across the dark blue floor. Jared chased after them, vaguely aware of how silly he must look-a six and a half foot guy chasing after a bunch of five and six year olds while the other children shouted at them for being too loud. Jared spared a glance at the blaring TV-cartoons.

“Wow,” said Jared as he caught up with the kids, breathing heavy from the running around. “I haven’t watched cartoons in ages. Do you guys wanna watch?”

“Yeah,” shouted James, stabbing Jared with his fake sword again. “Right after you walk the plank!”

-

Jared let out a sigh of relief when he finally entered his dark apartment. He flicked on a few lights and tossed his keys and phone on the table. He was pretty sure his ass was bruised after being hauled off the hospital bed by a small army of children. He could hear Chad playing Halo in his living room. He yawned and unscrewed the lid off his comedy fund jar, taking a few notes out of his pocket and dropping them into the jar. He’d need another one soon, he thought.

“I thought I hid the spare key pretty well this time,” said Jared as he entered the living room. “Why’d you leave the lights off?”

“Too lazy. And that’s why I always won at hide and seek,” said Chad, glancing over at Jared for only a moment.

“I thought it was more because I got bored of hiding for so long.”

“Yeah, well, you suck. Can’t believe you haven’t finished this level, either. So fucking easy.”

Jared nudged Chad out of his recycled armchair and flopped down on it, springs creaking. “I haven’t had time to.”

“Oh, yeah. Where’ve you been, anyway? I’ve been here for hours. You need more Coke and chips, by the way.”

Jared sighed. “Sometimes I think you should just move in. I’ve been up at the hospital.”

“Boyfriend?”

“No! He’s not even up there at the moment. And I don’t think he’s my boyfriend yet. And I was playing with the kids.”

Chad laughed. “You’re so lame.”

“No, what’s lame is that I’d rather hang out with kids than my best friend,” teased Jared. “Toss me the spare controller-wait, was that my phone?”

Chad’s eyes remained on the TV. “Yeah. My ringtone is way more awesome.”

Jared let out a groan and stood up, the soreness from his exertion settling in. He grabbed his phone off the table, shoving Chad off his seat again when he entered the living room. He flopped down, flipping it open. He let out a very un-manly squeal when he saw what it contained. “This is awesome!”

“What the fuck?” said Chad. “Did you just become a twelve year old girl?”

“No-yes-maybe-Jensen texted me!”

“I hope you don’t get this excited when I text you.”

“Only sometimes,” said Jared absent-mindedly, opening the text message. Hey Jared, do you wanna go out somewhere tomorrow? “Awww!” said Jared, “he types stuff out in full sentences!”

“Yeah, wow, cute,” said Chad, not looking over. “Fuck-die, you bastards!”

Jared grinned as he read through Jensen’s message again, before hitting the reply button.

omg sure! yay ik where we can go 2 ill pick u up @ four tmoro, k? :D

-

Jared didn’t feel so nervous pulling up outside of Jensen’s house for the second time. Their date still had the title Date Three, So Don’t Screw It Up , which was kind of unnerving, but it still wasn’t as bad as First Date. He stood outside Jensen’s apartment, flattening the creases and folds in his hoodie before reaching out and tapping against the door.

Jensen opened it a few moments later, clothed in a t-shirt and a tight pair of frayed jeans. Jared swallowed because he looked beautiful in his worn clothes, but also because he was looking pretty sick again. His was thin, skin white and bruised around his eyes. His eyes were a duller green, tired and wary.

“Are you feeling okay?” asked Jared immediately, reaching out a hand and putting it on Jensen’s shoulder. He could feel his fragile collarbone under his thumb.

“Yeah,” said Jensen, giving Jared a small smile.

Jared licked his lips. “Are you sure? Maybe we-”

“I’m fine, Jared. I don’t go back into hospital for a few days...”

“Well, okay,” said Jared, patting Jensen’s shoulder a few times before pulling away. “So, I was thinking-I used to live out near this abandoned train track and station near this huge field and the sunset always looked awesome, so I thought we could go there. We can get ice cream on the way!”

Jensen smiled at him again-and it was scary-beautiful, how honest and happy it was. “I think that sounds kind of perfect.”

“Sweet!” said Jared. “Let’s get going then-we’ll go to this really awesome ice cream-”

“Hang on,” said Jensen. “I-uh-need to find my sneakers. Do you, um, wanna come in?”

“Jensen Ackles, is this a cleverly devised plan to get me into your bedroom?”

“Okay, you can stay out here, then.”

“No! I approve of your plan,” said Jared quickly.

Jensen chuckled and went back in, Jared following closely behind. “Uh, ‘scuse the mess,” said Jensen.

Jensen’s room reminded Jared of what his looked like after Chad and a few friends have crashed there for a few days. Clothes were strewn all over the floor, along with books and sketches. His apartment was tiny, the kitchen, living room, and dining room all the same room. Jared gazed around as Jensen tore through his apartment, searching for his sneakers.

If Jared wasn’t already decided that this was the apartment of an artist, the many paintings on the wall would have convinced him. Jared stepped closer to them. They were stunning-hung up haphazardly and all of them angry, desperate. Huge strokes, slashes and stabs of paint creating the same mood over and over that made Jared almost uncomfortable. Most of the colours clashed aesthetically, yellows and blues and reds, and they looked so distressed.

Jared swallowed, leaning in closer to read some words etched into the closest one. Disease-city eats the sky eats the organs eats the hunger. Below was a small piece of paper pinned to the wall; riding the trainwreck.

Jensen’s paintings weren’t just confined to canvases, either-paint covered the walls, forming disturbing shapes and striking colours. Jared reached out to touch them, but thought better of it.

And it was just. Jared felt like there was something here. A deeper meaning. Like inspiration in sickness, beauty in death and all that.

“Hmm,” said Jensen behind him. “The angry young man is such a cliché, isn’t he?”

Jared licked his lips, almost speechless for the first time in his life. He wanted to tread carefully, wanted to ease Jensen’s pain-the pain splattered through his entire apartment. Wanted to eat it all up like the disease in Jensen’s paintings.

But, somehow, he didn’t quite want to. Not right now.

“Depends,” he said hoarsely.

Jensen was an artist, after all. And it felt like-it was like he was showing Jared his heart.

“It’s like... it feels like a cure sometimes,” said Jensen, stepping up beside Jared. Jared could see Jensen looking up at him in his peripheral vision-curiously, coyly, anxiously.

“Maybe it is... I like them. I don’t know if I understand them, but I like them.”

“I-I’m happy you do.”

“You found your sneakers?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s get going?”

“Okay.”

Jensen felt pliant, relieved, and Jared almost couldn’t believe he was the one with the all that anger inside. “Maybe you should try calm on for size,” said Jared conversationally as they started off down the hallway.

“Calm,” said Jensen, as though tasting the word. He laughed. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Jared couldn’t help but smile. “Where’s my little shy Jensen gone?”

“He’s here,” said Jensen, pointing at his head. “Just never here,” he pointed at his heart.

God, Jared wanted to hug him. Instead he made do with just wrapping a muscular arm around Jensen’s shoulders. “You’re... hmm. You’re an odd one, Jensen. I like that.”

“Um, thanks.”

Jared laughed and ruffled Jensen’s hair before pulling away and opening the front door. “Don’t wanna miss that sunset. Or the ice cream. Never forget the ice cream.”

-

Jared always found the old train station hard to describe when he was a kid. So he’d just call it The Trainstop. The Trainstop was right on the edge of the city; dusty and old and covered in graffiti. It was beside a field that looked like it was staring at the other side of the world. The paling sky reached the boundary of the grassy field and disappeared into the ground.

And the air-Jared really felt like he could breathe out here. “What d’ya think?” asked Jared, helping Jensen up onto the remains of the concrete train station.

“I love it,” said Jensen, putting his hand against his forehead to shadow his eyes. “I’d love to paint a picture of this.”

“You should!” encouraged Jared. “We could come down here one day and I’ll bring a deck chair and watch you paint.”

“I think you’d distract me.”

Jared chuckled, stepping forwards and sitting on the edge of the platform, feet hanging over the old train track. “Would you have it any other way?”

Jensen sat down beside him, bringing his legs up to his chest. “I guess not,” he said, coughing a few times.

Jared put his arm around Jensen’s neck, his skin feeling cool under his hand. “The sun’ll set way out there,” he said. “Unless the world’s, like, tilted to the side or something.”

“I’m sure it hasn’t.”

Jared glanced over at Jensen, admiring the way the orange light of the setting sun curved with his prominent cheekbones and slid down his nose. He smiled to himself when Jensen leaned against him, skin feeling cold even through the hoodie Jared was wearing. “Are you cold?”

“Not really.”

“Hmm... Jensen, you wanna know a secret?”

Jensen pressed up against him harder, sniffling. “Sure.”

“I something you,” whispered Jared.

Jensen shifted. "What?"

"I something you.”

"You have something for me?"

Jared poked him. "No, I feel something for you."

"Huh?"

"I have feelings for you. But I don’t know what."

Jensen laughed. “Okay. In that case, I something you, too.”

Jared slid off his hoodie, the cold air immediately gnawing at his skin. “Jeeze,” said Jared, “if you keep going out in this cold without a sweatshirt you’re gonna get even sicker. Here...”

Jensen glanced over at him. “Oh-no. It’s okay. I’m not cold.”

Jared rolled his eyes good-naturedly and pulled Jensen closer, pulling the hoodie over him. Jensen struggled briefly, but was forced to submit when Jared pinned his arms to his sides under the baggy hoodie. Jared chuckled, pulling it over Jensen’s legs, which were still bent against his chest. “That’s pretty big on you.”

And it was-the black hoodie dwarfed him, bunching up at Jensen’s knees. “Warm,” said Jensen.

“I thought you weren’t cold.”

“M’sick, though. Pity me.”

Jared laughed. “I think I’ve heard that line before.”

“Mmm,” said Jensen, leaning against Jared again. “I think you might be hearing it some more over the next few days.”

“I think I can handle that.”

-

Jensen looked so small in the hospital bed, thin bed sheet and scratchy cover thrown haphazardly over his dozing frame. Jared stepped in quietly, not wanting to wake him, the sound of his careful footsteps echoing slightly in the room. The room was bare and white, no cards or flowers to speak of.

Jared stepped up to the chair beside the bed, sitting down awkwardly, feeling too big for it. He watched Jensen stir, eyelashes flicking against his sickly pale skin. His eyes were dark and hazy when he opened them. “Jared...” he said, yawning widely.

“Hey,” said Jared. “How’re feeling?”

“Just a little sore,” smiled Jensen, his eyes falling shut again. “You’re my first visitor.”

Jared’s eyebrows furrowed. “Really?” he asked, thinking back to the other times he’d been with Jensen in hospital. “What about your parents? Brothers or sisters?”

“Nah,” Jensen smiled again, his closed eyes crinkling. “Actually... haven’t seen ‘em since I moved here.”

Jared felt something hard and bitter in his throat. “But-you’re serious? Even when you’re this sick? Not even a card?”

Jensen wasn’t smiling anymore, but his eyes were still shut. “I’m a minimalist,” and there was that smile again, self-deprecating and dark.

Jared reached out carefully, putting a hand on Jensen’s arm-the one that was sticking out. It was cold, veins stark against his paper skin. “And I’m really kitsch,” Jared swallowed, his heart hurting, “how long will you be in here alone?”

“Well, I don’t know how long you’re planning on staying, but I’ll be in here for two weeks.”

“Okay... hey, I’ve gotta get going. But I’ll be back soon, okay?” Jared felt something fiery in his stomach, something that was building up, fuelling his warm blood and hot head.

Jensen looked up at him with wistful eyes that made Jared just want to stay with him forever. But he nodded. “All right. See you.”

“Back soon,” promised Jared.

He left the hospital in a daze, thinking of all the time Jensen must have spent in the hospital alone, save for obtrusive nurses wanting more blood and more tests. Jared shivered at the thought. He was determined to change that. Determined to help. He’d seen so many sad people on his rounds through the hospital, and he wouldn’t let Jensen become one.

The drive home didn’t take as long as usual, and with concerned feelings tumbling in his stomach, and he was half-excited to be doing this and half-terrified. But he wanted to-he wanted to do this for Jensen.

Fuck Vegas.

He had a grin on his face as he smashed his comedy fund.

-

Jensen was sitting bolt-upright in his bed when Jared returned-the room already filled with flowers and balloons and stuffed animals. The kitsch trinkets and wonderful-smelling flowers brought a life to the room Jared hadn’t seen before-it also had something to do with Jensen, too, though. He looked confused and happy, and his eyes were shining brightly.

He turned when Jared walked in. “Did you do this?” he demanded.

Jared looked around the room. “Do what?”

“This,” hissed Jensen, holding up the hand that was connected to one of his machines by a clear cord.

“You don’t like it? Then I totally didn’t. You know, I always suspected Maud of having a crush on you. I bet it was her. She can’t have you, Jensen! You’re mine!” Jared hit his head with the back of his hand dramatically.

“Jared,” Jensen’s voice was soft and nervous. He was fretting. “You seriously paid for all of this?”

“Uh, yeah. Pretty flowers, aren’t they?” Jared reached out to touch the one closest to him.

“God, Jared, why? This must have been so expensive! How did you even pay for it?” Yeah, he was totally fretting (deflect, deflect).

“I chose these two bears because I think they look like us-don’t you think? You’re the smaller, more ginger one-man, you should totally buy a red sweater to match-”

“Jared. Please.”

Jared looked over at him. Jensen’s face was earnest, pale with flushed cheeks. “Don’t worry. I could afford it.”

“How?”

“My comedy fund.”

Jared cringed as he saw the colour drain from Jensen’s cheeks. “Jared!” he barked. “Why the hell did you waste all of that! Why-Jesus! That was-oh my God-”

Jared stepped over to him. “Hey. Relax, Jen. Seriously. You’re gonna have a brain aneurysm or something. Look, you’re more important than all that stuff-”

“No, I’m not! Jesus, Jared! I just can’t believe you wasted-”

Jared furrowed his eyebrows, starting to feel a little annoyed. “I didn’t waste it. Seriously-I just wanted you to be happy, alright? It’s my money. I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do with it.”

Jensen was quiet for a few moments. Jared bit his lip-he hadn’t meant to snap. “... Sorry. I just. I don’t get why you’d bother.”

“Just so you feel less like crap-because I really, really did this just to cheer you up-I didn’t spend all my money, okay? Just like... hm... half of it? Yeah.”

Jared watched Jensen consider him for a few moments. “Show me the bears.”

-

“Yeah-don’t get me wrong, I love working, but working in an office? It’s pretty tough. Just the other day this guy came in with a knife. My co-worker got stabbed. I feel really terrible-my teacher always said I shouldn’t run with scissors.”

Sometimes Jared just wanted to bottle up the noise of cheers and applause and just keep it in a jar next to his depleted comedy fund. Let it out when he was feeling down, share some of it with Jensen.

“Whoa, dude!” said Chad as Jared stepped into the back room. “That was real good.”

“Thanks, man.” Jared gave Chad a suspicious look-he wasn’t usually one to praise people (other than himself). And he also looked anxious; sweat was dripping down his neck. “What’s going on?”

“There was a scout here tonight!” Chad exploded, reaching up and slamming his hands onto Jared’s shoulders.

Jared felt something drop inside of him. “Oh my God, are you fucking serious? Holy shit! And I finished the goddamn night-and I left out half my classic jokes! Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Relax, moron. You were fine. I was fine. We were both fine.”

Jared breathed in deeply. He felt shaky. “Okay. Okay. Oh my God.”

“I think we should go out and get drunk. Like, really fucking wasted. That’s the best option for us.”

“Fuck-yeah. Wow. Fuck. How do you know there was a scout in the audience?”

“Sophia, dude. She didn’t even bother to tell us!”

Jared grinned when Sophia stepped up behind Chad, a glare set heavy on her face. But her eyes were sparkling, Jared could see that she was fighting to keep the corners of her mouth down. “Hey-” she said, “quit telling lies about me, I remember telling you that I couldn’t, okay?”

“You could have,” argued Chad, turning to face her.

“Not unless you want me fired,” she said.

“Doesn’t affect me.”

Sophia raised an eyebrow. “Okay, you keep thinking that, buddy.”

“Wanna come drinking with us?” asked Jared, still feeling as though his insides had abandoned him.

She grinned. “Now there’s an idea I could get down with. Let me grab my stuff.”

Chad spun around furiously. “Jared!” he hissed. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Out of pity. For your blue balls,” said Jared, taking out his phone.

hey jensen, do u wanna get sum drinks w/me n my friends?

He swallowed, keeping the phone in his hand. Chad was glaring at him. “What?”

“You’re a dick.”

“And you’re a bitch.”

His phone didn’t start buzzing until they were halfway to the bar.

I can’t right now. Sorry.

Jared bit his lip. is everything ok? :(

Got back from hosp.

Do u want me 2 com over?

No

Jared had been a clumsy kid, but he thought those two letters hurt more than any broken arm. And he wanted to ignore it; just look away and make a joke and have a few drinks. But he thought-and, God, he hoped he was right-that Jensen needed him.

-

Jensen looked tired and sick when he opened the door. His skin ashen, the bruises around his eyes a more pronounced shade of sleeplessness. His exhausted expression turned into a frown. “I told you I didn’t want you to come over.”

“I can’t read.”

Jensen’s eyes were tearing up. “Please go.”

Jared reached out to put his hand on Jensen’s chest, but it faltered. “Jensen. C’mon, man-talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Go. Away.” There was a heat in Jensen’s voice that Jared had never heard before.

“Jensen...”

“Get the fuck away, Jared! Why the fuck are you even here? What do you want from me?”

Jared had no idea where any of this was coming from. He put on his best gentle voice. “Hey, c’mon-”

“Shut up, Jared-I look-I look fucking disgusting-you’re nice, Jared, but you’re not fucking blind and I don’t know what you want from me and I just want you to leave me alone! “ Jensen sounded near hysterical.

“I don’t believe you,” challenged Jared. “I don’t. You never cared about the way you looked before.”

Suddenly, disastrously, Jensen collapsed in front of him. Not to the floor-he didn’t faint. But his fight, his anger, gave way to fear and misery. Jensen started crying, tears falling down his face steadily. “I’m getting a transplant,” he said, choking on the words while trying to breathe in.

Jared took him into his arms, one arm around his skinny waist. He held Jensen’s head against his chest. “Shhh,” said Jared, vacantly aware of the fact that anyone could step out into the hallway and see Jensen all vulnerable like this. “Let’s go inside.”

He kept Jensen in his arms as he manoeuvred them inside awkwardly, leading them over to Jensen’s couch. Jensen clutched at Jared’s sweatshirt as he sat them down, still crying into his chest. “It’s okay, Jensen. Hey. C’mon.” Jared rubbed Jensen’s back soothingly.

“Fuck. I-I’m sorry for sh-shouting at you-I’m just-G-God, I don’t even know,” Jensen kept his head against Jared’s chest, but turned it to the side.

“Shh, c’mon, it’s okay,” said Jared, letting Jensen lie across the couch and put his head in his lap. “I thought you’d be happy...”

“I am-God, I am-I’ve been sick for so fucking long, J-Jared. Just. Fuck. I don’t want to die. Wh-what if something goes wrong? What if I die?”

Jared twisted his fingers through Jensen’s hair, and he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to reassure him, tell him that it would all be okay. “I don’t know, Jensen...”

Jensen hiccoughed. “I know-fuck-”

“But,” continued Jared, “I told you-I got this got this good winning streak going... it’ll work out. It’s okay to be scared.”

Jensen sighed, as though appreciating Jared’s words. “You probably think I’m stupid-God-”

“I don’t,” said Jared. “Not at all. Just scared.”

“Do you think it’s weird... that I-I’ll have part of someone else’s body in me?” asked Jensen, sniffling. His crying had slowed, become silent.

“No,” said Jared simply. “Not if it’s saving your life.”

They were silent for a few minutes. Jensen sniffed. “I called my parents,” he said, resigned. Jared could feel the tension leaving Jensen’s body. “They aren’t interested.”

Jared’s heart hurt. “God, Jensen, I’m-”

“Don’t. Don’t... don’t say you’re sorry. Just. I’m used to it. It’s okay... let’s just watch TV or something.”

“It’s late,” said Jared. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” said Jensen, sitting up. Jared felt a little saddened at the loss, but Jensen laid back down across his lap a few moments later while he flicked through some TV channels. He eventually settled on some old horror movie.

Jared resumed stroking Jensen’s hair. “It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me,” he recited. “And I’m like, ‘alright, but where’s the loyalty, man? I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?’”

Jensen laughed quietly, hoarsely-a sad sound.

“That one wasn’t mine, but it’s one of my favourites.”

“I like it.” Jensen’s voice was tired, eyes slipping shut.

Jared hummed. “You falling asleep on me? Want me to take you to bed?”

“No,” said Jensen, shifting. He opened his eyes again, which were slightly bloodshot and focused hazily on the TV screen. “Thank you, Jared. Seriously-you... I totally something you.”

Jared smiled, rubbing Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen’s eyes slid shut again. “It’s okay. Are you sure you don’t wanna go to bed?”

Jensen shook his head. “No. I’m fine,” he said, moving slightly as though trying to prove it.

“Well, do you want me to leave?”

Jensen shook his head again. “No.”

“Okay... hey, I bet this chick’s gonna get mauled.”

Jensen made an amused noise. “Probably,” he said, voice tired.

“You’re gonna fall asleep on me, aren’t you?”

“No.” But Jared could feel Jensen’s breathing slowing, see the muscles around his eyes loosening.

“Good night,” said Jared.

-

When Jared woke up, his neck was hurting-twisted to the side. He was still sitting up with Jensen sleeping on his lap. He groaned and stretched his arms up, trying not to wake Jensen. The sun was flooding in through Jensen’s window, past his flimsy curtains. The TV was still on, playing white noise and static.

“Mmm,” sighed Jared, gazing around the room.

His eyes caught on Jensen’s paintings. They looked different under the honest morning light. Almost disturbing-their proclamations of no passion no passion forgotten home and lethal injection made Jared lick his dry lips and want to look away.

He heard a sigh-breathy and light. He glanced down. Jensen was looking across at his paintings. “Disease came, it conquered, and now it’s going to go and never come back.”

Jared smiled softly. It felt a little sad, like one of Jensen’s smiles. “Tell it to lock the door behind it while it’s at it, okay?”

“Naturally.”

“Are you still scared?”

“Uh-a whole fucking lot. But I panicked yesterday. And... thanks, y’know? You’ve-you’ve been there for me when no one else has.”

Jared could make a joke. Say something stupid and laugh it off. But-“it’s okay” sounded better.

Because it was-it was kind of okay, you know?

“You scared me the first time I met you. Staring at me like that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I was staring at you first,” said Jensen.

“Huh?”

Jensen smiled. “Go get me my art journal. I’m tired. And sick.”

“Where is it?”

“Table.”

Jared stood, laying Jensen down carefully before he did, and stepped over to Jensen’s messy table. The black journal was poking out from under a few sketches. He brought it dutifully to Jensen. “Got it.”

Jensen looked up at him, eyebrow raised. “You can have a look,” he said, curling his legs up so Jared could sit.

Jared started flicking through it. They were nice-all messy and unfinished, but they weren’t crazy like the paintings on the wall. They were calmer, lines smoother. About three quarters through, Jared found a sketch of himself. It was a picture of him mopping the floor, his hair and the creases and folds in his janitor’s uniform standing out the most. It was slightly more detailed than the rest with vague hints at shading.

He looked over at Jensen. He was blushing. “I think I liked your hair,” he confessed. “And you seemed nice.”

Jared chuckled. “I really like it. You should draw me one to keep sometime.”

“I will.”

“So, you have anything in mind for breakfast? Or s’that why you’re so scrawny?”

-

Jared couldn’t exactly tell how some of Jensen’s things appeared at his place over the next few weeks. Some of it was new, some of it old. Jared did like it-he liked the paintings adorning his walls and he liked Jensen’s shoes on his bedroom floor and he really liked Jensen’s toothbrush in the cup with his.

He woke up slowly late Friday morning, feeling his morning wood tight in his flannel pyjama shorts. He reached out, the other side of his bed cool and absent of Jensen. He wondered vaguely if he was out on the couch-it had taken awhile for Jensen to start sleeping in bed with him.

He sighed, idly reaching down under the covers to palm himself through the flimsy material. He rolled onto his back, eyes falling shut as he stretched his free arm across the bare cotton sheets. He imagined Jensen there, imagined their hot bodies pressed up against one another, flushed and sweaty and wanting. Jared let out a breathy moan, his heart beating hard against its cage.

Jensen would have the intensity of an artist - teeth to hot skin, short nails raking down Jared’s back. Jared would hold Jensen’s jutting hips, would move to cup his tight ass.

He could feel the heat of his arousal building low as he pressed his cock through his shorts. He pulled the covers off, the confrontation of the cold air sending a shiver through his body. But he thought of Jensen-pictured their lips pressed together, breathing into each other’s mouths as they-

“Jensen,” he hissed out, reaching down into his pants and taking his throbbing cock into his hand. His mind was alight with flashing images, all entirely made up, but filled with a writer’s details.

Sparks shot through him as he saw Jensen’s eyes somehow, half-closed and shining brightly while his skin glinted-light catching on all his pores as though he was on display.

And he was naked inside Jared’s head, so maybe he was.

Jared grunted, insides tightening with pleasure as he came into his hand. “Fuck!” he cried out, heartbeat loud in his ears, chest heaving. He closed his eyes, seeing stars as he rode out his orgasm.

He was freezing when he came back to himself, covered in a sheen of cold sweat. “Ugh,” he groaned, eyes stinging as he opened them.

He had no time to recover before his cell phone started ringing on his bedside table. He reached over and grabbed it shakily, his eyes sliding shut again as he answered. “H-Hello?”

“Jared.” Jensen’s voice was tired, dazed.

Jared sat up. “Jensen? Is everything okay?”

“No... yes... I guess so. They’ve scheduled it. My transplant.”

“For when?”

“Next week.”

Jared proceeded cautiously. “That-that’s great, Jensen.

“Yeah. Do you... do you think you could come and pick me up? I’m up at the hospital. Maybe we could go for ice cream or something?”

“Sure-just. Yeah. I’ll be there soon.”

He was sticky and sweaty when he hung up and climbed out of his bed. “Quick shower,” he promised himself.

-

“Sure you don’t want any of my M&Ms?” asked Jared, gazing at Jensen’s plain strawberry ice cream with distaste.

“Yup,” said Jensen, bringing it up to his lips and licking it. Jared licked his own lips, eyes catching on the pink ice cream stuck on Jensen’s mouth.

“I didn’t know you had to go up to the hospital this morning,” said Jared, taking his eyes off Jensen’s lips.

“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t wanna wake you.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Pretty damn nervous.”

"You haven't... uh, you haven't heard anything from your family at all?"

Jensen laughed. "No way."

Jared couldn't really imagine it. Couldn't imagine his parents not caring about an operation that would save his life. "... What happened? If you, y'know. Wanna tell. I won't tell anyone, pinkie swear."

Jensen shrugged. "There isn't much to tell. I got liver cancer a few years ago when I was still at home and I went to hospital there until I finished high school. When I finished I came out to my parents-and, well, they just couldn't accept it. Told me it explained my illness, y'know? So I left. And here I am."

"Fuck... that's... that's real heavy, Jensen," said Jared, heart sinking. He reached out and put his hand on Jensen's. "That's a horrible thing to say."

Jensen shrugged a little. "I know."

"You know it's not, right? It's not your fault at all."

Jensen cleared his through. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

Jared nodded slowly. "I'm really sorry you had to go through all that..."

"Not your fault," said Jensen, and he smiled. "Well, there you go-you wanted to know my story, that's it."

"Yeah," Jared felt terrible for Jensen-as though something was gripping on his insides. Hard. "You're strong."

"Uh, thank you," said Jensen, shrugging slightly and focusing on eating his ice cream.

“What’s the first thing you want to do when you’re well again?”

“Eat and drink whatever the hell I want,” said Jensen.

“What about Disneyland? I think we should go to Disneyland.”

“I think I could do Disneyland.”

“Will you go on the rollercoaster with me?” asked Jared playfully.

Jensen shook his head. “No way. Rollercoasters are way too fast for me.”

“I see I’ll have to use force,” said Jared, sighing. “Pity.”

Jensen reached over and punched him on the arm. “Moron,” he laughed.

Jared grinned. “This is great, though, Jen. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks,” said Jensen, taking a few small bites of his ice cream. He caught Jared’s eye. “Wanna taste?”

“Sure,” Jared reached over and pressed his lips to Jensen’s, whipping his tongue out and licking Jensen’s plump lips. Jensen tried to push him back, but his attempts were weak and teasing. He tasted good-mostly like strawberry ice cream. Jared told him as much when he pulled away.

“And you taste like way too much chocolate.”

Jared poked his tongue out and took another bite of his triple-chocolate ice cream cone with M&Ms. “Bitch, you’re just jealous.”

“Of all that diabetes-causing goodness? Definitely.”

“Just eat your ice cream.”

-

“Hey, kiddos. I can’t stay long, but I wanted to introduce you to my friend, Jensen. Be careful though-he’s sick.”

Jensen rolled his eyes beside him. “Hey...” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Are you a comedian?” demanded James, pointing his plastic pirate’s sword at Jensen.

“Uh... no,” said Jensen. “Um, are you a pirate?”

“Duh.”

"Uh... that's nice. Pirates are good." Jensen gave Jared a pleading look.

"Jensen's scared of pirates," said Jared, leaning down to talk to James and the others conspiratorially. "But he really likes dressing up."

Stacey and another girl-Jamie-giggled. "Like a princess?"

Jared looked up at Jensen. He looked vaguely frightened. "Definitely," said Jared cheerfully, "Jensen loves dressing up as a princess."

"Hey-wait-"

Stacey reached up and took his hand. "Come on, Princess. You need a crown and a necklace and some pretty glitter."

"Um, I'd-"

The two girls took his hands, leading him across the room to the space for playing video games. And dressing up, Jared supposed, grinning. "Are you a princess, too?" demanded James, raising his eyebrows.

"No way," said Jared. "But I'm a total king of that car racing video game."

"Are not!"

"Totally am. What say I give you guys a game of it? Not for too long. Jensen's just getting his makeover then he has to go upstairs."

"You're on!" said James, tossing his sword on the floor and tearing across the room to the video games with the other boys.

Jared followed closely behind, nearly bursting out with laugher when he saw that Jensen had managed to fit into one of the tiny children's chairs. He gave Jared a murderous glare, mouthing that he was to be killed when they were no longer in the presence of innocents. "Look forward to it," said Jared, winking.

"Come on, Jared. Get your controller."

"I'm getting it, I'm getting it," said Jared, sitting down on the floor with them.

They didn't get to stay with the kids long, Jensen was scheduled to be in his room by ten o'clock. He was going for his final check-up in the afternoon, and then his operation was tomorrow. Jared was nervous for him, worry clawing at his stomach, but he knew Jensen's nerves were higher.

He figured there were worse ways to take Jensen's mind off things than being dressed up like a princess.

Jared only fit in two games before Jensen was tugging at his shirt and saying that he had to be upstairs. "See you guys later, okay?" He handed off his controller to one of the boys and standing. "Wow, aren't you a pretty princess?" teased Jared, eyeing the glitter in Jensen's hair.

Jensen shoved a hand through his hair. "I will end you," Jensen assured him as they left the children's ward.

"Y'know, I think I preferred the Jensen that's shy even when he's with little kids."

Jensen glared at him.

"Aw! You look so adorable! Really girly."

"Jared Padalecki. Stabbed to death while he slept."

"Jensen Ackles. Sparkle-Princess."

"Shut up," groaned Jensen, rubbing his forehead.

"Aww, would ya look at that-he's embarrassed!"

"You're a dick."

"And you're the most beautiful princess I've ever seen," sung Jared, pressing the button to open the elevator door. Jensen looked amused-not as upset and nervous as he'd been when they'd woken up that morning.

"He agrees!"

"He resigns."

-

It was always uncomfortable spending the night at a hospital. Jared had it a little easier than most-Jensen had a room to himself with an armchair in it where Jared had taken up residence. Jensen was watching him from his hospital bed. He was lying on his side, skinny arm stretched out, playing with the white bed sheet. The light cast across his skin from the machines that were monitoring him was eerie.

Behind him, the lights from the city glowed against the black sky.

"What'cha staring at?" asked Jared, yawning and shifting in his chair.

"You."

"Creepy," said Jared.

Jensen rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. The noise of his body turning on the sheets was loud in the quiet room. "I didn't think I'd have anyone here for this," he said. "To be here with me."

"Well... I'm glad you do."

"Me, too. Thanks, you know? For taking my mind off everything today..." he heard Jensen make a hushed sound. "For everything."

"Hey, it's okay," said Jared, standing up and stepping across to Jensen's bed. There was absolutely no way that he could fit, but he laid down anyway.

Jensen shifted, rolling onto his side so he could look at Jared. He'd been put on some medication that afternoon to prepare him for surgery, and Jared could see the effects of it on his face. His eyes were darker, his freckles standing out on his paler skin. He looked sick.

And he'd never look that way again.

"You're beautiful," said Jared, leaning forwards and pressing his lips against Jensen's flushed, hot ones. They stayed like that, just lying there with their lips close and their foreheads meeting. Jared slung his arm over Jensen's bony waist.

"You, too," sighed Jensen, his eyes falling shut. Jared tilted his head up, placing a kiss on Jensen's closed eyelid. And he felt sort of lame, but that didn't matter because Jensen let out a breathy sigh.

"If I move I'm gonna fall off this bed," said Jared.

Jensen grinned, eyes crinkling up. Jared could see where he would get laugh lines when he grew older. "Sorry they couldn't get you your own bed..."

"What do you mean?" whispered Jared. "This is my bed. You're on the armchair, man."

Jensen chuckled. "M'scared," he said. "I'm gonna get cut open tomorrow. Don't you think that's fucking scary?"

"Just a little."

"Mmm," said Jensen, pressing up closer against Jared. His body was warm and flushed under his hospital gown, almost feverish.

"So, I want you to do a picture for me."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. I wanna portrait of us together. Doesn't have to be really detailed or anything, just something I can hang up above my bed."

"That can be arranged," said Jensen.

Jared pressed their lips together again. "Great."

Jensen sighed. "Dying would suck."

Jared frowned, starting to rub Jensen's waist. "Do you wanna hear a funny story?"

"Okay."

"Chad-you know my friend Chad-he drove around for a month with these bumper stickers on the back of his car-I masturbate and I love cross-dressing.”

Jensen laughed. “Wow, seriously?”

“Yeah. He couldn’t understand why people kept giving him dirty looks at red lights.”

“That’s kind of mean,” said Jensen, but he was grinning.

“Just a little.”

“You’re such a bad person,” teased Jensen, closing his eyes.

“Only on Tuesdays.”

Jensen snorted.

“Hey, Jensen?”

“Yeah?”

“’Night.”

-

Jared was a nervous wreck when the nurses came to collect Jensen the next morning. So much so that it called for Jensen to tell him to calm down. “Just relax, dude,” said Jensen as he climbed onto the hospital gurney they had waiting for him.

“Jensen, God-”

“C’mon,” said Jensen, giving Jared a nervous smile. “You’re scaring me. And I don’t want you to have a heart attack. I don’t wanna wake up in a few hours only to hear that you’re dead.”

“I’ll wait outside for you during your whole operation,” said Jared.

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “For a whole six to twelve hours? Don’t think you could stay still that long, man.”

“Can so.”

“What are we, twelve?”

Jared chuckled. “Maybe.”

He knew he was making a big deal out of n-well, it totally wasn’t nothing. But Jared was making a bigger deal out of it than was necessary. And scaring Jensen. Still, he could feel his heart beginning to race as they wheeled Jensen down the hallway. “Should I give you some famous last words?” asked Jensen, voice light and teasing, but Jared could sense the underlying fear.

Jared gave a small smile. “Okay.”

“They’re-I something you.”

“Y’know, those’re some pretty lame last words, Jensen. If you ever get famous for your art and people wanna know what your last words were they’ll be like-”

“Those words were only for you. Just tell everyone else I said something witty, alright? Kinda hard to think right now. Look, I’m shaking.” Jensen held up his pale hand, which was trembling lightly.

Jared took it into his own hand. “It’ll be alright.”

“Dude, I can feel your pulse.”

“It lies.”

“Here we go, boys,” said one of the nurses wheeling Jensen’s gurney.

Jared looked up, seeing the impending hospital doors. He sighed, wishing they were another forty feet away. “I’ll see you when you get out,” promised Jared, leaning down. He pressed his lips against Jensen’s chapped ones in a chaste kiss. They were warm and rough against his own. “Don’t take too long,” he winked as he pulled back.

Jensen gave him a teary smile. “Okay.”

Jared kissed the top of his head. “Kind of possibly maybe love you or something,” whispered Jared.

“Me, too. Perhaps maybe.”

Then the nurse cleared her throat and Jensen was wheeled away.

-

Jensen looked white-sick. Breakable. But beautiful, always so goddamn beautiful. And Jared was here, now, wanting to be the first to see Jensen’s eyes open.

And he did. They were bloodshot, green bright against the redness. Jared stood above him and gave him a huge smile. “You made it,” he said.

Jensen coughed a few times but managed a hurt smile. “Mm.”

Jared reached down and stroked his hair, eyes sparkling when Jensen smiled at him again. Because if life were just a stage dance, then man, that smile stole the show. Jared told him as much.

Jensen considered his words for a few moments. “Kind-” he paused to cough, his voice rough and heavy. “I like being backstage better.”

“Shh,” said Jared, rubbing his shoulder.

“You can have the spotlight,” whispered Jensen huskily. “I’ll watch you dance.”

“Don’t make fun of my two left feet,” said Jared just as quietly.