They Say Breathing Helps (1/2)
Title: They Say Breathing Helps
Rating: R
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Disclaimer: Fiction. Everything within this story never happened and is entirely untrue.
Summary: Jared is an English major and aspiring comedian who spends his free time working as a cleaner up at the hospital. One evening as he’s finishing his rounds, he meets Jensen-a shy artist with liver cancer whose room is much too bare for Jared’s liking.
Word count: 17, 250
Author's notes: This is written for heather03nmg, who won me for help_haiti. I really hope you like your story! Huge, huge (incredibly huge!) thanks to my dear tygers for all of her help, her editing skills and fantastic support. Thank you so much!
For such a recluse and an introvert,
this passion for closeness seems odd. - Alan Lightman
If life were a stage dance, then man, he stole the show.
-
Sometimes Jared didn’t think there were changes in the world, just changes in our perception and atmosphere. Like an artist becoming colour blind, like birds losing their sense of direction. Because God knows the world doesn’t change- we do. The world keeps going when we die. For it is an endless realm of distorted realities, hopes and dreams.
Or maybe he was just high.
The audience laughed; not loudly, a chuckle. A whisper. A breath of air past Jared’s ear.
Jared smiled and shrugged and his audience looked up at him with bright eyes like a heart-filled night sky. They looked colourful in the smoky room. “You’ve been a great audience,” he said, “but unfortunately I can’t even come up with enough material to keep y’all entertained for five minutes.”
They laughed.
Jared fitted his microphone back onto the stand and stood down.
When he was young he wanted to be a fire truck. He couldn’t remember why, but looking back upon it, he supposed it was because they were big and fast and shiny and loud. He’d also injected some more adult thoughts into it now-they reassured people, piqued interest, drew attention to themselves. At present, Jared supposed he was a mixture of child and adult. He wanted to be loud, reassuring, interesting and more often than not the centre of attention.
Things change, though. Tides, weather, people, yeah. Dreams, too. Right now Jared wasn’t exactly living his dream, but he was close. A hair’s breadth away, a cat’s whisker.
Jared’s heart was a storm as he flew from the stage, the applause-his applause-leaving that ringing in his ears that he loved. He was sweating, but they’d liked his show. Actually, Jared thought that was the loudest applause an audience had ever given him. He grinned when he spotted Chad backstage, downing another beer.
Jared jogged over to him. He couldn’t talk long, but he needed to vent his excitement onto someone... and Chad looked like he could use a little excitement-he actually looked like he was going to vomit. “Shit, you look nervous,” said Jared, eyes catching on Chad’s lips, deeply indented with teeth marks, and the way he was bouncing from foot to foot.
“Really, Jared? That’s funny. ‘Cause I feel fucking awesome.”
“Relax. Seriously. It’s all about owning the room-you gotta look confident. If you don’t, you’ll lose ‘em.”
Chad breathed in, before shaking his head and swallowing the last of his beer. “No, man. I need’a get real fucking wasted so I can’t feel anything, or, like, see anything. Might try that audience joke... how many people are in there?”
“Fifty, maybe sixty?”
“Um, yeah, so. Holy shit.”
Jared chuckled. “Relax. C’mon, did you hear how loud that applause was? It was awesome! You’ll kill ‘em dead, don’t worry, man.”
“Whew, sure, Jared. Yeah. Okay. Awesome... I need another beer.”
Jared hoped he hadn’t been this melodramatic his first time on stage. “You just gotta remember that they’re just people you ain’t never gonna see again. They’re not here to judge you, they’re here to have a good time. Unless you suck. Then they’ll probably judge you. Do you suck?”
“Fuck no, I’m awesome.”
“There’s the Chad I know... I gotta leave him here, though. My shift starts like, five minutes ago.”
Chad breathed in. “Okay. Thanks, dude. You were pretty good, by the way.”
“Thanks,” grinned Jared. He turned away, grabbing his stuff from beside the BYO drinks table. He pulled on his hoodie and slung his bag over his shoulder. He left the smoky club with a smile still on his face.
It was cold outside-Jared could feel it through his thin hoodie; the setting sun offering no last sparks of warmth. He started across the parking lot, his sneakers slapping against the wet tarmac. He made sure his little car was still parked before making his way across the park separating the small club from the city. Jared had a system that saved him a few bucks and got him to do some exercise at the same time; leaving his car parked at the club while he worked up at the hospital.
Jared’s job wasn’t an important one-just cleaned up a few wards on weekends for some extra bucks, but he sometimes got the chance to try out some of his G-rated material on the kids in the children’s ward. He smiled, staring down at the wet grass he was crushing, maybe he’d have a chance to tell the kids some jokes this evening.
The city was busy- taxis lined on the streets and people carrying their shopping back to their crowded cars. Jared jammed his hands into his pockets and walked through them all, his successes of the day still running through his head. It was like he could only half-see the stores lining the street as he replayed his show in his head.
He reached the hospital quickly, his hands sweaty from being jammed in his pockets too long by the time he arrived. It was a huge building-pale, modern and looming, its windows staring at all the people on the street like the stark eyes of a monster. It was kind of unnerving. It was colder inside, that tangy smell of antiseptic, disinfectant and sickness ringing through the air. Jared would probably have another runny nose by the time he got home, from the air conditioning if not the germs permeating the air.
Shaking his head, Jared put on his best grin and stepped over to the receptionist. “Hey, Sandy,” he said.
She glanced away from her computer, raking her eyes up and down him. “You’re late,” she told him.
“Yeah, I know-sorry-the club let me open for the first time! It was awesome-really, I dunno, exhilarating,” he said, finally able expel some of his excitement onto someone. Sandy raised an eyebrow, but her lips were upturned in that one-sided smile she did so well. “Right. Sorry. What ward am I cleaning today?”
“St. Lewis’ Ward,” she said.
“The cancer ward,” he said, his heart sinking slightly.
She nodded. “Get changed fast, alright, and I won’t report you being late. Just don’t make it a habit.”
“Thanks, Sandy,” he smiled.
The inside of the hospital was just as pale as the outside; white floors with white lights complemented by white walls. Some halls had views onto the central garden and some had pictures coloured in by the sick children or visiting kids, but most were just a bare, bright white that echoed footsteps throughout the entire featureless building.
Jared turned down another hallway - this one had a huge jungle mural that illuminated the rest of the colourless corridor - and opened the third door on the right. He stepped into the janitor’s closet. It was dark inside, windowless, and it smelled like cleaning products, like dirt; as though all the products merged together and smelled poisonous.
He fumbled around for the light switch for a moment before he locked the door so he could change. His janitor’s outfit was dark blue; dark blue pants that matched a dark blue long-sleeved top. It was a good thing he didn’t try to pick up guys in hospitals, because he’d probably be shot down after one look over-his outfit was that awful.
He put the things he needed onto his cart-mostly disinfectant, sponges and a mop-before leaving the room, and turning the light off behind him.
He set off down the hallway, his large trolley making a creaking noise as he pulled it along. A few hurried-looking people passed him, but other than that the hospital was fairly empty for a Friday.
He stepped into the elevator, awkwardly fitting in his trolley, pressing for floor two.
Cleaning the cancer ward never took as long as the children’s ward, but Jared preferred the extra work any day, because with it came extra conversation and extra laughs. He had a few people to talk to here, but many of them already had people there talking to them. So Jared worked silently, making sure he was doing a thorough job.
It wasn’t a particularly taxing job, but Jared did work up a sweat, and more often than not went home with a sore back.
There was a stout old lady in one of the last rooms Jared had to clean. Her name was Maud; she had breast cancer - would’ve just had her surgery if Jared remembered correctly. Two other people were in the room, both sleeping in the light-coloured hospital beds.
“Hey, Maud,” said Jared quietly, grabbing his mop off the cart.
“Oh, hello, dear,” said Maud, turning away from the window. This room looked right out into the city - as though you could step right out into the sky amongst the tall buildings shading the parks and streets below.
“How’re you feeling?” asked Jared, dipping the mop into his concoction of chemicals and water and putting it to the floor.
“Good, thank you. My family just left.”
“Oh,” said Jared, “visiting hours over already?”
“It’s almost eight, Jared,” smiled Maud.
“Really? Shi-shoot... did your surgery go well?”
Maud smiled; the expression almost washing away all signs of has-been and tired. “They think they managed to get all of it.”
“Hey, that’s great!” said Jared, still careful to keep his voice quiet.
She hushed him gently. “Thank you,” she said.
Jared smiled and put some more muscle into his work. “So, how’s your daughter?
-
The city had darkened to an acceptable level for the clubbers down below by the time Jared was stepping into the last room. Out the window, the view was obscured some by the bright windows of the hospital building, but it didn’t make the obscured sight of the city any less appealing.
Uniform fluorescent lights were still brightly shining in the room-enveloping the entire area with their harsh glare. The same smell of sickness permeated the air, though highlights of hospital food lit it. There was only one person in the room, curled under the covers, the rest of the beds empty.
Jared worked around the person-man, he thought-silently, for as long as he could. By the time he had to clean around the man’s bed, the guy was stirring. “Hey,” said Jared quietly, “just gotta clean, I won’t be long, promise.”
Jared felt his eyes widen when he snuck a glance at the guy, because, Jesus, if life were a stage dance, then man, he stole the show. He was staring at Jared with a slightly confused expression, but Jared couldn’t look away-the guy’s eyes were dark with uncertainty, but Jared could see they were a rich green colour. His eyes were bordered by long eyelashes just as dark as his eyes, which stood out even brighter in the harsh lighting and the guy’s pale skin. Jared’s eyes drifted to the man’s freckles-star constellations of them mapping out across cheeks and his nose, and his lips -
“Is everything alright?” the guy’s lips formed the words lightly, sensually. Thick and pink and so goddamn kissable. “Uh, hello?”
Jared shook back to gritty reality. “Sorry,” he said, “just-just need to clean over here.”
The guy nodded, pressing his head against the hard hospital pillow. And now that Jared wasn’t dazed by his beauty, he could see that he looked really sick. Heavy bruising illustrated his vivid eyes and a light sheen of sweat covered his colourless skin. His face was set in a pained grimace, and he was curled in on himself. Jared could see the outline of his arms crossed across his stomach under the covers.
“Are you alright?” asked Jared, worry pooling in his stomach.
The guy chuckled, the sound coming out more like a cough. “Don’t worry, s’not contagious,” he said, looking down coyly.
Jared’s lips twitched, but his eyebrows furrowed. “Seriously. Should I get someone for you?”
“No... no, it’s okay,” said the guy.
“I’m Jared, by the way,” said Jared, “friendly neighbourhood janitor at your service.”
This time the guy’s lips twitched. “Nice to meet you,” he said quietly, “I’m, uh, I’m Jensen.”
Jared grinned and turned away, focusing on the floor. He didn’t want to keep staring and make Jensen think he was a creeper. He heard Jensen shuffle, making a small noise of pain while he did. It kind of made Jared want to hug him. “What’s wrong?” asked Jared, sparing a glance at Jensen-he was breathing shallowly, eyes closed.
“Just a bit sore... liver cancer, y’know. Sort of in the job... well, the illness description,” Jensen wasn’t looking at him, if anything he was doing his best not to look at him. Jensen was shy, Jared figured fondly.
“Where’re your flowers?” asked Jared after a few moments of silent work.
“Huh?”
“You don’t have any flowers,” said Jared, a little sadly.
“Oh,” said Jensen, his voice soft and husky, “no...”
Jared felt something claw at his stomach - guilt, he thought. “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t... that didn’t really come out so well. Tell you what, I’ll buy you some flowers to make up for it.”
Much to Jared’s delight, he earned a smile from Jensen. “Wow, uh, you don’t have to do that... I’m going home in a few days, anyway,” he said, not looking Jared in the eye, just laying there idly playing with the corner of his pillow.
Jared finished up his mopping, still feeling like a bit of an ass. “That’s still awhile to go without flowers. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?” he said hopefully as he finished up his cleaning. He’d have to pitch the idea of cleaning the cancer ward more often than usual to Sandy.
Jensen looked up at him. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Bye,” said Jared, flashing Jensen a smile.
Jensen held up his hand weakly in a meek goodbye.
The walk back to his car didn’t hold the same sense of foreboding it did the first few times Jared crossed the park. It was still dark, beams of light only highlighting so much, but it was somehow soothing now. Casting shadows across the chilly night, and it wasn’t creepy, rather calming. Like ripples across a lake, fading to morning.
Jared stepped up to his car, unlocking it. It was the only one left in the empty parking lot. The only other things in the parking lot were pieces of paper littering the ground and a large dustbin that Jared was once afraid a hobo lived in. There wasn’t one-but it had made for a pretty good joke. The audience had liked it, at least, and as a comedian, you trusted your audience.
Jared shoved his key into the ignition, his small car rumbling to a start. It wasn’t a fire truck- or even new, in fact, Jared had actually received it when his brother bought a new one - but it was red and red cars are meant to go faster. Not that Jared much liked going faster; he was a pretty mellow driver who stuck to the speed limit. Kind of extended from his laziness, he supposed.
Jared drove home leaned up against the window, hand on the wheel. Neon lights - blue, red, pink, green - shone past the windows as he twisted down the labyrinth of streets. There were people on the streets, out stumbling home or to another bar, bathing in the culture of the city.
Jared lived behind it all. Take a few backstreets and cross a main road or two, then double down to where the poor college students live near the school and Jared’s apartment building was on the corner of everything. It was a nice place-small, though, for a guy like Jared. But it had half a lounge room, kitchen(ette), bathroom and a bedroom, so Jared wasn’t complaining.
He parked his car out the front and battled the wind and cold all the way up to the front door.
His apartment was riddled with shirts and jeans thrown lazily on the floor or over the couch like all the faulty information strewn through the world. It was probably why Jared had never had much luck finding a roommate. That, or Jared’s loud bedroom habits.
Not really.
... Well, maybe.
Grinning to himself, Jared tossed his keys on the table and flicked on a few of his lights. He stepped over to his large glass jar of notes and coins, glinting under the kitchen light. He pulled the lid off and stuck a few dollars in it. He had to have a couple of hundred dollars in there by now-it was his comedy fund. When Jared finally got a break, he’d crack it open and celebrate. It was sort of like a promise, something to look forward to.
Jared shut the lid, pressing it down tightly, before stretching, straightening out all the kinks in his body. He scratched his belly idly. He was pretty tired. He probably should go to bed. He hadn’t slept much that week, and he needed to get some in before he did it all again the next week.
-
“Hey, Sandy,” said Jared, chest heaving as he stepped up to the front desk.
“Hi,” she said, grabbing a piece of paper off her desk and holding it up for him to take.
Jared glanced at it. “Can I do the cancer ward?”
“I have you written down for the top floor.”
Jared put on his best smile. “Please, Sandy? Look how early I got here! You see these sweat marks?” he lifted up his arm. “Look how hard I worked just to get here early.”
She wrinkled her nose, taking the paper back. “You’re gross. Have the cancer ward. Just never lift up your arm near me ever again.”
“I love you!”
“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she said, returning to her work. “Who’re the flowers for?”
Jared held up his small bouquet of bright posies. “This guy. His room is totally empty.”
“Better get them to him quick.”
Jared grinned and took off down the pale halls, getting his cart and changing as quickly as he could. The sun was only now setting outside, colouring this side of the world in orange and pink, and casting purple shadows across the ground . The colours matched Jared’s little bouquet that he was sitting in his cart. He figured he’d go and see Jensen first and give him the flowers.
Jared liked to save the best things for last, but it never worked so well with people.
When Jared entered Jensen’s room, boots squeaking slightly on the floor, he was lying on his side flicking through the channels on the TV. Jared stood (creepily) at the door for a few moments, grinning to himself when Jensen settled on Judge Judy. “Judge Judy?” he asked, stepping into the room.
Jensen jumped, sending a surprised look in Jared’s direction. “Jesus,” he said quietly, turning the sound down on the TV. “I, uh, hi. Um, I didn’t even hear you come in.”
“Riveting TV,” nodded Jared, liking Jensen’s coyness.
Jensen smiled shyly. “Judge Judy is awesome.”
“Maybe in opposite land,” teased Jared, taking the posies off the cart. “I got these for you... I hope you’re not allergic.” His heart was beating faster.
Jensen blushed a brilliant scarlet. And, wow, Jared just wanted to give him a bear hug. He was way too attracted to shy people. Ones with pretty faces. That look like Jensen . “You really didn’t have to,” said Jensen, biting his lip, but accepting the bunch of posies. “Thank you, though. They smell really nice.”
Jared’s insides warmed when Jensen gave him a bright smile. “You’re welcome, you Judge Judy freak, you,” he said, taking his mop and bucket off the cart.
Jensen coughed a few times. “I’m sick, don’t judge me,” he said, voice hoarse.
Jared laughed, sloshing the soapy water across the floor and beginning to mop.
Jensen was silent for a few moments. Jared watched him in his peripheral vision, the way he kept looking between the TV and him while playing with the petals of a posy. “Um, I think there’s a thing about Bill Hicks on.”
Jared looked up. “Really? That’s awesome! Bill Hicks is amazing.”
“Yeah, he’s my favourite,” said Jensen softly, flicking through a few channels.
“Me too! That’s so cool! Your taste in comedians is awesome. I love you now. Marry me.”
“I want a beach wedding,” said Jensen, looking down and smiling to himself.
“Ew, I hate the colours you’ve chosen.”
“I don’t want your drunk uncle attending.”
“Screw that! Uncle Jeremy makes everything fun,” cried Jared.
“Fine. I’m calling this whole wedding off.”
“Fine!”
They both looked at each other, Jensen’s watery eyes shining happily, and laughed. Jared recovered first. “But yeah,” he said, “I hope I’m as good a comedian as him someday.”
“You’re a comedian?”asked Jensen, breathing calming again.
“Yeah, stand-up,” smiled Jared, making his way closer to Jensen’s bed.
“That’s cool. I’ve never met a comedian before. Just people who thought they were.”
Jared laughed. “Yeah, I know a few of those.”
“Will you tell me a joke?” Jensen’s voice was soft, hesitant.
Jared chuckled nervously. “Hm, sure-lemme see. I only came up with this one a few days ago-if it’s horrible you can just laugh at me, so it’ll be funny for you either way.”
Jensen chuckled and wow, that was a sound Jared could fall in love with. He’d made a couple of hundred people laugh in his lifetime, but he didn’t think he’d ever heard any laugh as beautiful as Jensen’s. He wanted to hear it again. “Okay,” he said, his heart rate increasing, “so, I’ll tell you about my date last week. I got to third base- it was really great, I mean, I’ve never gotten so far on the first date. But she was kind of a bitch. Just told me to get the fuck off the baseball field.”
Jensen laughed-light and breathy and incredible. “That’s pretty good.”
Jared flashed him a huge grin. “Thanks. Needs some fine-tuning, but I might put it in my act.”
“Was it based on something that happened?”
Jared chuckled. “Kind of, it happened awhile ago. And substitute the girl for a guy. And he didn’t mind-well, until I threw up beside the pitch. Too much beer.”
Jensen tore a few leaves off one of his posies. “I, um... I think I like the version with the guy better.”
“Me, too,” Jared winked, something resembling hope running through him.
Jensen shifted a little in his bed, placing his bouquet in a half-full glass of water on his bedside table. Jared watched him out of the corner of his eye as he worked-he felt bad for him. He seemed so shy, so lonely, so sad. And it had nothing to do with the regular undercurrents of grief in the hospital air, it was more pronounced around Jensen. As much as he appeared to try and hide it. Jared didn’t know for sure, but he thought he did good buying Jensen those flowers.
“So,” Jared cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the pitying tone his voice had acquired. “Sorry. Uh, so what’s your story? Do you go to school ?”
Jensen licked his faded, chapped lips. “Yeah. College.”
Jared grinned. “Me too. What’cha study?”
A pink tinge coloured Jensen’s cheeks. “Um, Fine Arts,” he said, toying with his bed cover.
“Cool! An artist, huh? That’s cute-I mean, nice. That’s really nice. Not cute at all. What school d’you go to?”
“Austin Community College.”
“Awesome, me too!”
Jensen smiled. “What do you study?”
“English.”
“That’s nice. I’ve never been so great with words.”
“A picture tells a thousand words, huh?” said Jared, finishing off his cleaning.
“Something like that.”
Jared sighed. “Well, I gotta go clean up the other rooms.”
“Okay... uh,” Jensen looked down. “Thanks for-well, thanks for keeping me company .”
“No problem... hey, why don’t I come up and visit you tomorrow? I can bring you some real food,” Jared talked quickly, hoping that Jensen would agree.
He looked kind of alarmed. “Uh... I-um-really? Don’t you... don’t you have anything else to do?”
“Not really,” said Jared. “Anything you want me to bring in particular?”
“You don’t have to bring anything.”
“Candy. Gotcha. See ya tomorrow, then.”
Jared left with a grin on his face, and he was pretty sure one was brightening Jensen’s too.
-
“Do you know how long I spent standing in the aisle looking for the perfect candy?”
Jensen looked up from his book, startled. His knees were bent up under the white covers, and he was leaning his novel against them. “Oh! Um, hey. I didn’t... I didn’t actually think you were coming.”
“Why? I told ya I would. Anyway, I figured you were probably a liquorice kind of guy. And I got M&Ms because I’m pretty sure everyone likes those.”
Jensen smiled shyly. “Yeah.”
“Awesome. How’s your day been?” Jared glanced at the blank TV. “Judge Judy not on, huh?”
“Unfortunately not,” said Jensen, reaching his thin hand up to flick some lank hair off his face. “Um, it’s been good. What about you?”
“Pretty good,” smiled Jared, pulling up an armchair beside Jensen’s bed. He lounged back in it, bringing his feet up to rest on the side of Jensen’s bed. He tossed him the liquorice.
Jensen licked his dry lips, holding up the bag of candy. His expression was happy but sad-the kind of mixed-emotion feeling that’s so hard to convey . “Thank you,” said Jensen, reaching up and rubbing his wet eyes with his free hand, “I mean... thanks. Seriously... I, um, you’ve really cheered me up.”
Jared grinned hugely. “I’m glad!”
Jensen smiled again, and it was still that half-happy, half-sad smile. Jared wanted to get rid of all traces of his sadness. “I was at work today and this guy came in with a knife,” said Jared. “My co-worker got stabbed, and I feel terrible. My teacher always said I shouldn’t run with scissors.”
Jensen chuckled. “I like that one.”
“Really? Awesome.” Jared tore open his M&Ms packet, cursing when a few fell onto the ground. “Ugh... cleaner can get ‘em.”
Jensen shook his head, but he was smiling. “Gonna open yours?” asked Jared, shoving a few M&Ms into his mouth. “Mmm,” he groaned, “I haven’t had chocolate in ages. Want some?”
Jensen licked his lips. “Okay,” he said, holding out his hand.
Jared dumped almost a quarter of the large packet into it. “Oops. Sorry,” he said.
Jensen chuckled, taking two and putting them in his mouth. “Thanks.”
“It’s cool,” said Jared, gazing out the window-to the tall buildings and the high sky. “Nice view from in here, isn’t it?”
It was-but not exactly. There was something about hospital views that felt like the world was moving without you . Sometimes it wasn’t really a sad feeling, but a memory, thoughts of tree houses in the backyard and watching the world grow up from your bedroom window.
“Yeah-it’s a nice cityscape. I’ve done a few drawings of it.”
“Oh, yeah? That’s right. You’re an art student. Do you draw a lot?”
“All the time,” said Jensen, looking down.
“Sweet. You should draw me sometime! Make sure I look good, though-I’ll hang it on my wall.”
“Maybe.”
“You shy ‘bout your drawings?” asked Jared, accidentally dropping a few more M&Ms onto the floor. “Oops.”
“Uh, I dunno.”
“You don’t know? Okay. Hey, I’m shy about my acts-how about you come see me perform and then we can both beat our shyness!”
Jensen chuckled. “You’re not shy.”
“Well, okay, no. But I’m using that date joke you said that you liked and I need you to be there so I can blame you if I screw it up.”
This time Jensen’s grin was wide with no trace of sadness. “That sounds great... but maybe some other time, okay? I’m gonna be stuck at home pretty sick for the next few days.”
Jared felt a little sting at Jensen’s words. “Oh... I hope you won’t be too sick. That sucks.”
Jensen nodded, shifting. His book fell off his stomach and onto the bed. “Yeah... well, I’ll make the most of this candy and company while I’m well.”
Jared reached out and took his book. “Go Tell It on the Mountain? ” he asked, flicking through a few pages.
“Ah!” squeaked Jensen. “Damn. You lost my page.”
“Oops. Sorry. I’m kind of clumsy today... sorry. I’ve read this, though! I had to read it last semester. Good book, isn’t it?”
“Yeah!” nodded Jensen enthusiastically-and this was probably the most Jared had seen Jensen out of his shell so far. “I really like it so far. It feels really... I dunno, realistic.”
Jared handed it back to him. “I think it’s one of my favourites I’ve read-this year, at least.”
“You read a lot?”
“Uh, hell yes,” Jared chuckled, “I’m a bit of a book junkie. I like going to those second-hand book stores and buying them. Actually, I need to trade in some of my books... anyway, the place where I do my stand-up? They do poetry and short story readings too. I’ve tried it a few times.”
“That sounds really great,” said Jensen, playing with the corner of his book. “Not really as dedicated as you, but... my father and I used to do that. Go get books together. I was the only one that liked to read as much as him.”
Jared grinned. “That’s cool. I’ll have to bring you a few of my books sometime.”
“That’d be great... maybe next time I’m up here?”
“Sure.”
-
“So, I finally went on my first date in months last week. I got to third base- it was awesome. I’ve never gotten so far on the first date! Only, she was kind of a bitch. Just told me to get the fuck off the baseball field.”
Jared felt a shiver run down his spine when the audience laughed.
“Thanks, guys, you’ve been awesome!”
He couldn’t stop grinning as he stepped off-stage, to where Chad was devouring every finger sandwich in sight off a refreshments table. Chad spun around when Jared tapped him on the shoulder, mouth full with food when he spluttered out: “fuck, Jared, these are so goddamn good.”
Jared wrinkled his nose when Chad sprayed some half-chewed flecks of food onto his shirt. “Gross, dude. And I don’t think you should be eating all those.”
“Why not?”
Jared took a step back. “Uh, well, because they’re not just for you.”
Chad considered Jared’s words for a moment, before snagging another and stepping away. “Bitch.”
“You performing tonight?”
“Nah, man. This chick I fucked s’been following me around. She’s here right now. I’m avoiding her.”
“You mean Sophia?”
“Uh, yeah. I think that was it.”
Jared rolled his eyes. “She kind of works here, moron.”
“Great. This is gonna make things awkward.”
Jared rolled his eyes. “C’mon, we gonna get going?”
“Yeah... oh dude-that joke? With the date? Haven’t heard that one before,” said Chad, snagging another finger sandwich and making his way past Jared.
“Yeah. I made it up a few days ago.”
“And you didn’t even run it past me?”
Jared smiled. “I ran it past someone else.”
“What? Who?”
“Uh, this guy I met up at the hospital-man, you should see him. He seems so, I dunno, sad-lonely. I took some candy up to him a few days ago,” said Jared, pushing open the front door.
“Cool. He do stand-up, too?”
“Nah, he’s an artist. And we fell in love over Go Tell It on the Mountain. ”
“What? That a gay porno or something?”
Jared shook his head. “No. A book.”
“Ah, gotcha,” Chad turned and blinked at him, making Jared laugh. “Fuck you, you know I can’t wink. Hope you don’t stalk the poor guy like you did with that last one.”
“Fuck you! I wasn’t stalking Tom-I just. I liked the smoothies where he worked?”
“Liar. Nobody likes smoothies.”
“You like smoothies.”
Chad gasped. “You said that was a milkshake-hey! Quit tryin’ to change the subject, asshole. You totally stalked Tom.”
“Die in a fire.”
Chad grinned triumphantly. “Stalker.”
“Dickwad.”
“Asshole.”
“Slut.”
“Fucktard-wanna stop for ice cream?” Chad climbed into the driver’s seat.
“Yeah... oh, I’m not gonna walk to the hardware store with you tomorrow, okay?”
“Why?”
“Gotta get to school early-take a little, uh, detour.”
“Stalker.”
-
Campus was bright Tuesday morning, cold winds sweeping through the grounds and whipping Jared’s face until he was sure his cheeks were red raw. The early sun was no use, its heat barely penetrating the atmosphere. Jared shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets, bowing his head down against the wind as he walked across to the English building.
And ran straight into someone in the process. “Fuck!” said Jared, looking up before looking down, finding that he’d bowled some poor guy onto the ground. His first (absurd) thought was that it was Chad, but this guy’s hair was darker and his clothing was less bright and attention-grabbing. “I’m so sorry!” Jared extended an absurdly long arm down to the guy.
The guy looked up at him-“Jensen!” Jared exclaimed, his arm still hanging in the air.
Jensen reached up and let Jared pull him to his feet. And wow, he was pretty light. Jared went to tell him as much, but flew back to himself when he saw Jensen’s pale, sickly, frail appearance. Instead, he let the hand that was still gripping Jensen’s warm, dry hand fall to his side. “How’re you feeling?”
Jensen shrugged lightly, looking anywhere but at Jared. “I’m alright, thanks,” he said. “Uh... how are you? I didn’t think we’d run into each other here .” Jensen’s cheeks were tinged pink on his dusky skin. The bruises around his eyes had faded somewhat, but they were still blankly obvious on his face.
Jared smiled. “But I’m glad we did! I’ve kinda... well, I don’t want to sound weird. I probably already sound weird. God, I’m so weird.”
Jensen laughed his husky laugh that made Jared’s heart swell. “It’s okay,” said Jensen shyly, flicking at the hair behind his ear, “you don’t sound that weird.”
“Just semi-weird?”
Jensen laughed again, playing with the flap of the messenger bag he was resting on his hip. And, wow, Jensen kind of had awesome hips-tapered slightly, his jeans fitting them loosely. Jared wished the jeans were tighter, or, well, not there at all. He supposed that would be kind of awkward for Jensen, though. “Yeah. Only semi-weird...”
“Sweet!”
Jensen paused, as if to gather his courage. “What... what were you gonna say?”
“Oh, just that I’ve kinda been wanting to see you again. That’s weird, isn’t it? Or semi-weird? Hmm.”
“Oh,” said Jensen softly, but he looked pleased. The look took some of the sickness away from his face. And Jared wondered vacantly if just enough laughter could cure him.
A freezing gust of air blew through them, disturbing the grass and the trees. Jared watched Jensen shiver under his few layers of clothing-he was only wearing a black t-shirt under a gray unbuttoned top. His ribs were poking through at the sides. Jared’s heart hurt. “Wow. It’s pretty chilly today,” Jensen’s words were quiet - hesitant. Jared could practically hear the poor guy’s heart racing.
“Yeah,” agreed Jared. “Hey, do you want to borrow my hoodie?”
Jensen looked near mortified. “Oh, no! No, it’s okay...” he said, forcing a smile. “But thanks.”
“Oh, alright. Well, if you want to, just ask. You got Art now?”
Jensen laughed again, before succumbing to a coughing fit. Jared sort of wanted to wrap him up in his hoodie and take him home and look after him forever. “Sorry,” muttered Jensen when he was done. “It’s, um... they have me on some new medicine. Preparing me, you know... I’m getting a transplant soon...”
“Oh! Okay. S’that why you were sick?”
Jensen nodded, seemingly relaxing. “Yeah... so, English class, right?”
“Yeah. I’m late now. Already half-failing the subject, too. Damn.”
Jensen looked a little shocked. “Then go to class!” he said. “Don’t stand around talking to some sick guy.”
Jared smiled at Jensen. “I’ll totally go to class... if you let me take you out. Going out on a limb here.”
“Really?” asked Jensen, raising his eyebrows.
“Um, hell yes,” said Jared. “Can I?”
Jensen was blushing again, his freckles sticking out on his face, bruised eyes looking down shyly. “All right. I’d like that.”
“Awesome! How’s this Saturday sound?”
“Great,” said Jensen. “Do you, um, want my phone number? You can call me... well, obviously. But like. Yeah.”
Jared chuckled. “That’d be great.”
Jensen dug through his messenger bag for a few moments before locating a pen and a scrap of paper. He scrawled down his number quickly, before handing it to Jared. Jensen’s thin hand lingered on the paper for a few moments, but Jared took it swiftly, licking his lips when Jensen put his hand firmly at his side again. “Thanks, Jensen,” he said, flapping the paper, “I can go to class happy now.”
“Bye, Jared,” smiled Jensen, holding up his hand, before turning away and walking off across the field.
-
“You got the number of a guy with cancer? And you actually wanted it?” Chad was lazing idly on Jared’s couch, come second bed for Chad that week while he was hiding from some crazy girl he’d fucked. He’d told Jared the story, but he hadn’t really been paying attention. He supposed he’d have to ask again sometime.
“That’s really offensive, even for you,” said Jared, his eyebrows furrowing as he handed Chad a beer. He collapsed down on the armchair they’d nicked from beside a dumpster once. It was probably the most comfortable thing Jared owned. “And yeah. It was the guy I was telling you about the other day.”
“Wouldn’t he be, like... bald?” asked Chad, touching his own greasy hair.
“No, he isn’t,” said Jared, gritting his teeth.
“Oh,” said Chad, scratching his head. “Well, whatever, gay-face.”
“Fuck-head.”
“Dicknose.”
“Whore,” Jared took a swig of his beer and grabbed the remote off the table, turning on the TV.
“Insolent child. Ha, I win. No takebacks!”
Jared rolled his eyes.
“So, when’s open mic tonight?” asked Chad, stretching out on Jared’s lounge chair.
Jared relaxed into his own chair. “Ten,” he said, glancing at the clock above his TV. “Hour.”
“Great. And nothing good’s on... hey. Why don’t we go pick up Baldy and go to a bar or something? We can get those tests out of the way.”
Jared gave Chad the patented you’re-being-inappropriate look. “What the fuck are you talking about? And his name is Jensen.”
“Status update: Jared is no longer in my top five friends due to neglect. You need to actually read my goddamn blogs, man. As of two weeks ago you need to complete a series of cunningly devised tests to be my friend. I need someone to try ‘em out-Bal-Jensen’ll do.”
Jared raised his eyebrows almost comically. “What the hell kind of tests?”
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to take ‘em. I already know everything I need to know about you. It’ll just be basic stuff, like-how well do they hold their liquor, how do they deal with cops, would they trust that dealer, would they bang that girl, how much would they be willing to pay to bail out Chad... y’know. Usual stuff.”
“At this rate, you’re lucky you have any friends at all.”
“Shut up, bitch. I have like a thousand friends on my Myspace.”
“And how many of those are those webcam girls?”
“So not the point.”
Jared leaned back in his chair, the springs digging into his back in all the right places. “Jensen is... well I don’t know yet, but I think I might like him, man. I don’t want you to start shit with him.”
“I won’t, fucker. He is a poor, sick boy. I’ll just start some piss with him.”
“So lame.”
Chad glanced over at him. “Really? Damn. It was in my act tonight.”
“Scrap it.”
“Fine. Get me another drink, wench.”
Jared stood, purely because his own beer was empty, and stepped the few steps into his tiny kitchen. He tossed a few coins into his comedy fund for good luck and walked back into the boxy living room. “Here,” he said, tossing Chad his beer.
“When you gonna crack that thing open so we can blow it on that trip to Vegas?”
“Shut up and drink your beer.”
-
Jared pulled up outside Jensen’s apartment building, hands sweaty on the steering wheel, anxiety fluttering in his stomach. He could pull out and drive away and it would be all right. He hadn’t been on a date in God knows how long, but he always got nervous as soon as he was there.
But he wasn’t going to stand up Jensen just because he was feeling a little nervous... a lot nervous.
Still, he wasn’t exactly against feigning a family emergency as he stood outside Jensen’s apartment door.
The hallway was long and narrow with a low ceiling, the flickering lights reflecting off the pale grey doors. Jared reached up to Jensen’s pale grey door, rapping on it three times. The sound was loud in the empty hallway. In the absence of sound, he briefly wondered if he should’ve gotten some flowers for Jensen. Probably not. That was more of a girl’s thing, wasn’t it? Were you meant to buy a present for your date on a first date? Jared couldn’t remember the proper dating etiquette -
The door swung inwards, revealing a neat-looking Jensen standing in the most chaotic room Jared had ever seen. “Um, hi,” said Jared, tearing his eyes from the bedlam.
Jensen looked nervous. He moved to block the sight from Jared’s view. “Sorry,” he said, chuckling low and rough, “I, uh... couldn’t find what I was looking for. That and.... I’m not the neatest person ever?”
Jared laughed. “Don’t sweat it,” he said, eyes grazing over Jensen’s face and body. He was dressed nicely in a black button-up shirt and a pair of jeans. He didn’t look as sick as he had earlier that week, either. His skin was still pale, freckles standing out, but it was hardly noticeable. The bruises around his eyes, especially, had dimmed.
“So, where, uh, are we going?” asked Jensen, stepping out of his apartment. “Should I invite you in? Sorry... this is... I haven’t been on a date since I was a teenager.”
“S’that when you got sick?” asked Jared, hitting himself on the head as soon as he’d said it. Subtle. Nice one, moron. “I’m sorry! I didn’t... wow. I suck. You don’t have to invite me in... and I’m taking you a steakhouse if that’s okay? Wait. You like steak, right? I mean -”
“Relax, Jared. I do - I like steak. It’s okay,” Jensen was smiling.
“Great!” said Jared. “Shall we get goin’ then?”
“Sure.”
Jared’s nerves began to ease as he and Jensen walked down the hallway, safe in the knowledge that Jensen still wanted to go on a date with him. And the fact he seemed just as nice as before. “You said you study Fine Arts, don’t you?” asked Jared.
Jensen nodded, looking at his feet shyly. “Yeah.”
“That’s cool-I didn’t tell you, but I used to do a lot of art in high school. I really like that Leonardo Da Vinci guy. And Dalí. He was a pretty cool dude.”
“Really?” asked Jensen.
Jared chuckled. “Well, no. I’m lying to you. I don’t really know those two guys are. And I actually suck at art... I just did a shit tonne of research on famous artists when I was meant to be studying so I could talk to you about art, but I’ve forgotten everything. My cover is blown!”
Jensen smiled- wide and joyful. Jared might already be a little bit in love with that expression. “I like your dedication to the cause,” he said. “And, well, your honesty. Even if you had to blow your cover.”
Jared winked at him. “I am a very honest person. Honest people constitute great partners, you know... or so I hear. From people. Y’know?”
Jensen laughed. “Subtle, too. Do you do anything else? Aside from cleaning and college and being subtle?”
“Yeah, my comedy!”
“Oh, I forgot that you were funny, too. Kind of the whole package, aren’t you?”
“The funny part is up to interpretation,” said Jared, opening the front door of the apartment building.
It was dark outside, the night lined with bright streetlights that still existed when Jared blinked his eyes. And it was cold. Freezing air accosted them, reaching through their shirts and scratching at their skin. “Chilly,” commented Jared, hurrying towards his car.
Their car ride was spent in comfortable silence-well, it wasn’t that comfortable for Jared because he felt like he needed to talk to Jensen or something, but Jensen looked like he was in comfortable silence, so he let it be.
The steakhouse was warm-orange lights flooding through the room, reflecting off posters and framed pictures. Soft rock music was escaping the jukebox, chasing around the room.
They took a seat at the back of the room, under a few Elvis and James Dean posters and some blue neon lights. “Friendly place,” said Jensen, struggling to be heard over the jukebox as the waitress left with their orders.
“Yeah-I come here with my friend Chad sometimes,” smiled Jared.
“How long have you lived here?”
“Uh-since I was a kid, moved into my apartment a few years ago... ‘what about you?” Jared accepted his beer from the waitress. “Thanks.”
Jensen thanked their waitress as she set his water down in front of him. “Two years,” he said.
“Cool,” said Jared, taking a swig of his beer. “Mmm... ”
“Good?” queried Jensen, taking a sip of his water.
“Yeah. Best drinks here, hands down.”
“Their water does have some kind of... I dunno. You didn’t drug it, did you?” asked Jensen lightly, voice teasing.
“Fuck,” groaned Jared, “you weren’t meant to find that out until later...”
“I’ll pretend to be surprised.”
Jared grinned. “Smart ass.”
Jensen inclined his head a little. “Only on day’s that end in a Y.”
Jared grinned and shook his head, taking another swig of his beer. “I found this book store a few days ago, in the city. It’s near this ice cream shop.”
“Oh, cool,” said Jensen, “you’ll have to give me the address so I can go there sometime.”
Jared nodded. “It’s not too far from the hospital, actually.”
“Awesome.”
“Awesomesauce.”
Jensen snorted. “The hell?”
“What?” asked Jared innocently. “I’m a funny guy, I can say shit like that.”
“Oh, yeah, for sure... where does someone go as a comedian? I mean, how do you climb the stand-up comedy ladder?” Jared could damn near see Jensen’s nervousness dripping off him.
“Well, the comedy club I do open mic at sponsor someone every year, but then you also get scouts that come in, looking for people to write jokes for them. So, yeah. You gotta be good, and you gotta have some damn good luck... which I apparently have lots of.”
“Hmm?”
“Well, I scored a date with the hottest guy ever. I’d say my good luck streak is going pretty well.”
Jensen laughed. “What a player, dating two people at once.”
Jared considered Jensen’s words for a few moments, and he kind of felt like he was in some other kind of territory. “Please. Have a little faith. I’m dating at least three.”
Jensen smiled. “Such a player.”
“You love it.”
“Almost as much as I love Bill Hicks.”
The waitress returned a few moments later, laying out their dinner on the table. It smelled awesome-Jared hadn’t had real food in too long. “Mmm,” groaned Jared, picking up his knife and fork, “this is such a nice change from two minute noodles.”
“Yeah-thanks, y’know. I’ve really liked hanging out with you.”
“Me, too,” said Jared, through a mouthful of meat and potato.
-
The drive to Jensen’s place was spent in comfortable silence-wandering eyes mostly focused on the city lights outside the car, but occasionally they met each other’s. Jensen looked away with a small smile for the fifth time. Jared copied him.
Jensen lived not too far from Jared’s apartment, but where small trees burst from the sidewalk from failed government planning in Jared’s neighbourhood, there were bins and concrete instead. Across the road, Jared counted an underground club and a few convenience stores. It felt different from Jared’s neighbourhood-more impersonal somehow. Quieter, despite the heavier, louder atmosphere.
It made Jared think of Jensen. And, wow, if we weren’t just products of where we lived.
“Thanks for dinner, Jared,” said Jensen as they climbed out of the car.
Jared pressed up close to Jensen as they faced the cold, walking up to his apartment building. “No problem-you know, m’dear, I’m actually a scout for the movies in my free time and I think you have what it takes. You just need to sleep with me.”
Jensen laughed, reaching out and shoving his chest lightly. A shiver ran down Jared’s spine at the touch. “Ass,” he said.
“I’d prefer yours, but I’m flexible.”
“Flexible, huh?”
“Jensen!” exclaimed Jared. “I cannot believe you’d insinuate such a thing!”
“Believe it.”
Jared grinned. “So, uh...”
Were they meant to kiss? Was Jared meant to kiss Jensen? He looked gorgeous there-smooth, pale skin meeting thick pink lips. He didn’t know if it was standard protocol. Jensen was just staring up at him with a raised eyebrow. “Jared?”
“Is kissing on the first date standard dating protocol?” he asked.
“Uh... I don’t know? I told you, I haven’t been on a date since I was younger,” Jensen was looking coy again, cheeks tinged with pink and avoiding eye contact.
Jared bent down and kissed the top of Jensen’s head. Jared didn’t really know why-just that it felt intimate, Jensen’s clean hair brushed lightly across his puckered lips. “Apple shampoo ?” asked Jared as he stood back up. “Nice!”
Jensen laughed, pushing him again, but this time his hand stayed on Jared’s chest. “You’re an idiot.”
They stared each other in the eyes for a few moments. Jensen’s green ones looked near black in the dark, sparkling with the streetlights. Jared could vaguely feel his heart racing, and in his limbs he knew what was happening before it did. Jensen leaned up, as though in slow motion, and pulled Jared down by the collar of his hoodie, bringing their warmth together to create heat.
Jensen’s lips pressed against Jared’s felt incredible, and he would never understand how a simple touch-a chaste meeting of lips-could ever make his skin so flushed and hot despite the cold. He let out a sigh when Jensen pulled back from the kiss, eyes still shining.
“And I thought you were supposed to be shy,” said Jared.
“Night, Jared.”
-
“He kissed me,” sighed Jared as he tossed a few spare coins into his comedy fund jar. The tinkling sound they made was familiar and so pretty (like Jensen). And, fuck, he’d kissed Jensen. Awesome. That was so awesome.
“You’re such a girl!” called Chad from the adjoining lounge room, his voice followed by a series of curses and car noises.
“Says the guy that gets pedicures. Grand Theft Auto?”
“Yeah-dude, c’mere! Watch me blow up this helicopter.”
Jared rubbed his tired eyes, yawning as he left the kitchen and stepped into the living room. “What’s the time?”
“Ten,” said Chad, eyes focused firmly on the TV screen. “Way too early to be tired.”
“It was so awesome, Chad. He’s so funny and shy and sweet. And we totally kissed. He totally kissed me. I was like-whoa! It was fucking epic.”
“Yeah, epic,” agreed Chad absent-mindedly, eyes still glued to the TV. “Fuck no! Bastard! That’s my car!”
Jared sighed. “Toss me a controller, whore.”
“Fuckin’ - agh - pussy.”
Part two
Rating: R
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Disclaimer: Fiction. Everything within this story never happened and is entirely untrue.
Summary: Jared is an English major and aspiring comedian who spends his free time working as a cleaner up at the hospital. One evening as he’s finishing his rounds, he meets Jensen-a shy artist with liver cancer whose room is much too bare for Jared’s liking.
Word count: 17, 250
Author's notes: This is written for heather03nmg, who won me for help_haiti. I really hope you like your story! Huge, huge (incredibly huge!) thanks to my dear tygers for all of her help, her editing skills and fantastic support. Thank you so much!
For such a recluse and an introvert,
this passion for closeness seems odd. - Alan Lightman
If life were a stage dance, then man, he stole the show.
-
Sometimes Jared didn’t think there were changes in the world, just changes in our perception and atmosphere. Like an artist becoming colour blind, like birds losing their sense of direction. Because God knows the world doesn’t change- we do. The world keeps going when we die. For it is an endless realm of distorted realities, hopes and dreams.
Or maybe he was just high.
The audience laughed; not loudly, a chuckle. A whisper. A breath of air past Jared’s ear.
Jared smiled and shrugged and his audience looked up at him with bright eyes like a heart-filled night sky. They looked colourful in the smoky room. “You’ve been a great audience,” he said, “but unfortunately I can’t even come up with enough material to keep y’all entertained for five minutes.”
They laughed.
Jared fitted his microphone back onto the stand and stood down.
When he was young he wanted to be a fire truck. He couldn’t remember why, but looking back upon it, he supposed it was because they were big and fast and shiny and loud. He’d also injected some more adult thoughts into it now-they reassured people, piqued interest, drew attention to themselves. At present, Jared supposed he was a mixture of child and adult. He wanted to be loud, reassuring, interesting and more often than not the centre of attention.
Things change, though. Tides, weather, people, yeah. Dreams, too. Right now Jared wasn’t exactly living his dream, but he was close. A hair’s breadth away, a cat’s whisker.
Jared’s heart was a storm as he flew from the stage, the applause-his applause-leaving that ringing in his ears that he loved. He was sweating, but they’d liked his show. Actually, Jared thought that was the loudest applause an audience had ever given him. He grinned when he spotted Chad backstage, downing another beer.
Jared jogged over to him. He couldn’t talk long, but he needed to vent his excitement onto someone... and Chad looked like he could use a little excitement-he actually looked like he was going to vomit. “Shit, you look nervous,” said Jared, eyes catching on Chad’s lips, deeply indented with teeth marks, and the way he was bouncing from foot to foot.
“Really, Jared? That’s funny. ‘Cause I feel fucking awesome.”
“Relax. Seriously. It’s all about owning the room-you gotta look confident. If you don’t, you’ll lose ‘em.”
Chad breathed in, before shaking his head and swallowing the last of his beer. “No, man. I need’a get real fucking wasted so I can’t feel anything, or, like, see anything. Might try that audience joke... how many people are in there?”
“Fifty, maybe sixty?”
“Um, yeah, so. Holy shit.”
Jared chuckled. “Relax. C’mon, did you hear how loud that applause was? It was awesome! You’ll kill ‘em dead, don’t worry, man.”
“Whew, sure, Jared. Yeah. Okay. Awesome... I need another beer.”
Jared hoped he hadn’t been this melodramatic his first time on stage. “You just gotta remember that they’re just people you ain’t never gonna see again. They’re not here to judge you, they’re here to have a good time. Unless you suck. Then they’ll probably judge you. Do you suck?”
“Fuck no, I’m awesome.”
“There’s the Chad I know... I gotta leave him here, though. My shift starts like, five minutes ago.”
Chad breathed in. “Okay. Thanks, dude. You were pretty good, by the way.”
“Thanks,” grinned Jared. He turned away, grabbing his stuff from beside the BYO drinks table. He pulled on his hoodie and slung his bag over his shoulder. He left the smoky club with a smile still on his face.
It was cold outside-Jared could feel it through his thin hoodie; the setting sun offering no last sparks of warmth. He started across the parking lot, his sneakers slapping against the wet tarmac. He made sure his little car was still parked before making his way across the park separating the small club from the city. Jared had a system that saved him a few bucks and got him to do some exercise at the same time; leaving his car parked at the club while he worked up at the hospital.
Jared’s job wasn’t an important one-just cleaned up a few wards on weekends for some extra bucks, but he sometimes got the chance to try out some of his G-rated material on the kids in the children’s ward. He smiled, staring down at the wet grass he was crushing, maybe he’d have a chance to tell the kids some jokes this evening.
The city was busy- taxis lined on the streets and people carrying their shopping back to their crowded cars. Jared jammed his hands into his pockets and walked through them all, his successes of the day still running through his head. It was like he could only half-see the stores lining the street as he replayed his show in his head.
He reached the hospital quickly, his hands sweaty from being jammed in his pockets too long by the time he arrived. It was a huge building-pale, modern and looming, its windows staring at all the people on the street like the stark eyes of a monster. It was kind of unnerving. It was colder inside, that tangy smell of antiseptic, disinfectant and sickness ringing through the air. Jared would probably have another runny nose by the time he got home, from the air conditioning if not the germs permeating the air.
Shaking his head, Jared put on his best grin and stepped over to the receptionist. “Hey, Sandy,” he said.
She glanced away from her computer, raking her eyes up and down him. “You’re late,” she told him.
“Yeah, I know-sorry-the club let me open for the first time! It was awesome-really, I dunno, exhilarating,” he said, finally able expel some of his excitement onto someone. Sandy raised an eyebrow, but her lips were upturned in that one-sided smile she did so well. “Right. Sorry. What ward am I cleaning today?”
“St. Lewis’ Ward,” she said.
“The cancer ward,” he said, his heart sinking slightly.
She nodded. “Get changed fast, alright, and I won’t report you being late. Just don’t make it a habit.”
“Thanks, Sandy,” he smiled.
The inside of the hospital was just as pale as the outside; white floors with white lights complemented by white walls. Some halls had views onto the central garden and some had pictures coloured in by the sick children or visiting kids, but most were just a bare, bright white that echoed footsteps throughout the entire featureless building.
Jared turned down another hallway - this one had a huge jungle mural that illuminated the rest of the colourless corridor - and opened the third door on the right. He stepped into the janitor’s closet. It was dark inside, windowless, and it smelled like cleaning products, like dirt; as though all the products merged together and smelled poisonous.
He fumbled around for the light switch for a moment before he locked the door so he could change. His janitor’s outfit was dark blue; dark blue pants that matched a dark blue long-sleeved top. It was a good thing he didn’t try to pick up guys in hospitals, because he’d probably be shot down after one look over-his outfit was that awful.
He put the things he needed onto his cart-mostly disinfectant, sponges and a mop-before leaving the room, and turning the light off behind him.
He set off down the hallway, his large trolley making a creaking noise as he pulled it along. A few hurried-looking people passed him, but other than that the hospital was fairly empty for a Friday.
He stepped into the elevator, awkwardly fitting in his trolley, pressing for floor two.
Cleaning the cancer ward never took as long as the children’s ward, but Jared preferred the extra work any day, because with it came extra conversation and extra laughs. He had a few people to talk to here, but many of them already had people there talking to them. So Jared worked silently, making sure he was doing a thorough job.
It wasn’t a particularly taxing job, but Jared did work up a sweat, and more often than not went home with a sore back.
There was a stout old lady in one of the last rooms Jared had to clean. Her name was Maud; she had breast cancer - would’ve just had her surgery if Jared remembered correctly. Two other people were in the room, both sleeping in the light-coloured hospital beds.
“Hey, Maud,” said Jared quietly, grabbing his mop off the cart.
“Oh, hello, dear,” said Maud, turning away from the window. This room looked right out into the city - as though you could step right out into the sky amongst the tall buildings shading the parks and streets below.
“How’re you feeling?” asked Jared, dipping the mop into his concoction of chemicals and water and putting it to the floor.
“Good, thank you. My family just left.”
“Oh,” said Jared, “visiting hours over already?”
“It’s almost eight, Jared,” smiled Maud.
“Really? Shi-shoot... did your surgery go well?”
Maud smiled; the expression almost washing away all signs of has-been and tired. “They think they managed to get all of it.”
“Hey, that’s great!” said Jared, still careful to keep his voice quiet.
She hushed him gently. “Thank you,” she said.
Jared smiled and put some more muscle into his work. “So, how’s your daughter?
-
The city had darkened to an acceptable level for the clubbers down below by the time Jared was stepping into the last room. Out the window, the view was obscured some by the bright windows of the hospital building, but it didn’t make the obscured sight of the city any less appealing.
Uniform fluorescent lights were still brightly shining in the room-enveloping the entire area with their harsh glare. The same smell of sickness permeated the air, though highlights of hospital food lit it. There was only one person in the room, curled under the covers, the rest of the beds empty.
Jared worked around the person-man, he thought-silently, for as long as he could. By the time he had to clean around the man’s bed, the guy was stirring. “Hey,” said Jared quietly, “just gotta clean, I won’t be long, promise.”
Jared felt his eyes widen when he snuck a glance at the guy, because, Jesus, if life were a stage dance, then man, he stole the show. He was staring at Jared with a slightly confused expression, but Jared couldn’t look away-the guy’s eyes were dark with uncertainty, but Jared could see they were a rich green colour. His eyes were bordered by long eyelashes just as dark as his eyes, which stood out even brighter in the harsh lighting and the guy’s pale skin. Jared’s eyes drifted to the man’s freckles-star constellations of them mapping out across cheeks and his nose, and his lips -
“Is everything alright?” the guy’s lips formed the words lightly, sensually. Thick and pink and so goddamn kissable. “Uh, hello?”
Jared shook back to gritty reality. “Sorry,” he said, “just-just need to clean over here.”
The guy nodded, pressing his head against the hard hospital pillow. And now that Jared wasn’t dazed by his beauty, he could see that he looked really sick. Heavy bruising illustrated his vivid eyes and a light sheen of sweat covered his colourless skin. His face was set in a pained grimace, and he was curled in on himself. Jared could see the outline of his arms crossed across his stomach under the covers.
“Are you alright?” asked Jared, worry pooling in his stomach.
The guy chuckled, the sound coming out more like a cough. “Don’t worry, s’not contagious,” he said, looking down coyly.
Jared’s lips twitched, but his eyebrows furrowed. “Seriously. Should I get someone for you?”
“No... no, it’s okay,” said the guy.
“I’m Jared, by the way,” said Jared, “friendly neighbourhood janitor at your service.”
This time the guy’s lips twitched. “Nice to meet you,” he said quietly, “I’m, uh, I’m Jensen.”
Jared grinned and turned away, focusing on the floor. He didn’t want to keep staring and make Jensen think he was a creeper. He heard Jensen shuffle, making a small noise of pain while he did. It kind of made Jared want to hug him. “What’s wrong?” asked Jared, sparing a glance at Jensen-he was breathing shallowly, eyes closed.
“Just a bit sore... liver cancer, y’know. Sort of in the job... well, the illness description,” Jensen wasn’t looking at him, if anything he was doing his best not to look at him. Jensen was shy, Jared figured fondly.
“Where’re your flowers?” asked Jared after a few moments of silent work.
“Huh?”
“You don’t have any flowers,” said Jared, a little sadly.
“Oh,” said Jensen, his voice soft and husky, “no...”
Jared felt something claw at his stomach - guilt, he thought. “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t... that didn’t really come out so well. Tell you what, I’ll buy you some flowers to make up for it.”
Much to Jared’s delight, he earned a smile from Jensen. “Wow, uh, you don’t have to do that... I’m going home in a few days, anyway,” he said, not looking Jared in the eye, just laying there idly playing with the corner of his pillow.
Jared finished up his mopping, still feeling like a bit of an ass. “That’s still awhile to go without flowers. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?” he said hopefully as he finished up his cleaning. He’d have to pitch the idea of cleaning the cancer ward more often than usual to Sandy.
Jensen looked up at him. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Bye,” said Jared, flashing Jensen a smile.
Jensen held up his hand weakly in a meek goodbye.
The walk back to his car didn’t hold the same sense of foreboding it did the first few times Jared crossed the park. It was still dark, beams of light only highlighting so much, but it was somehow soothing now. Casting shadows across the chilly night, and it wasn’t creepy, rather calming. Like ripples across a lake, fading to morning.
Jared stepped up to his car, unlocking it. It was the only one left in the empty parking lot. The only other things in the parking lot were pieces of paper littering the ground and a large dustbin that Jared was once afraid a hobo lived in. There wasn’t one-but it had made for a pretty good joke. The audience had liked it, at least, and as a comedian, you trusted your audience.
Jared shoved his key into the ignition, his small car rumbling to a start. It wasn’t a fire truck- or even new, in fact, Jared had actually received it when his brother bought a new one - but it was red and red cars are meant to go faster. Not that Jared much liked going faster; he was a pretty mellow driver who stuck to the speed limit. Kind of extended from his laziness, he supposed.
Jared drove home leaned up against the window, hand on the wheel. Neon lights - blue, red, pink, green - shone past the windows as he twisted down the labyrinth of streets. There were people on the streets, out stumbling home or to another bar, bathing in the culture of the city.
Jared lived behind it all. Take a few backstreets and cross a main road or two, then double down to where the poor college students live near the school and Jared’s apartment building was on the corner of everything. It was a nice place-small, though, for a guy like Jared. But it had half a lounge room, kitchen(ette), bathroom and a bedroom, so Jared wasn’t complaining.
He parked his car out the front and battled the wind and cold all the way up to the front door.
His apartment was riddled with shirts and jeans thrown lazily on the floor or over the couch like all the faulty information strewn through the world. It was probably why Jared had never had much luck finding a roommate. That, or Jared’s loud bedroom habits.
Not really.
... Well, maybe.
Grinning to himself, Jared tossed his keys on the table and flicked on a few of his lights. He stepped over to his large glass jar of notes and coins, glinting under the kitchen light. He pulled the lid off and stuck a few dollars in it. He had to have a couple of hundred dollars in there by now-it was his comedy fund. When Jared finally got a break, he’d crack it open and celebrate. It was sort of like a promise, something to look forward to.
Jared shut the lid, pressing it down tightly, before stretching, straightening out all the kinks in his body. He scratched his belly idly. He was pretty tired. He probably should go to bed. He hadn’t slept much that week, and he needed to get some in before he did it all again the next week.
-
“Hey, Sandy,” said Jared, chest heaving as he stepped up to the front desk.
“Hi,” she said, grabbing a piece of paper off her desk and holding it up for him to take.
Jared glanced at it. “Can I do the cancer ward?”
“I have you written down for the top floor.”
Jared put on his best smile. “Please, Sandy? Look how early I got here! You see these sweat marks?” he lifted up his arm. “Look how hard I worked just to get here early.”
She wrinkled her nose, taking the paper back. “You’re gross. Have the cancer ward. Just never lift up your arm near me ever again.”
“I love you!”
“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she said, returning to her work. “Who’re the flowers for?”
Jared held up his small bouquet of bright posies. “This guy. His room is totally empty.”
“Better get them to him quick.”
Jared grinned and took off down the pale halls, getting his cart and changing as quickly as he could. The sun was only now setting outside, colouring this side of the world in orange and pink, and casting purple shadows across the ground . The colours matched Jared’s little bouquet that he was sitting in his cart. He figured he’d go and see Jensen first and give him the flowers.
Jared liked to save the best things for last, but it never worked so well with people.
When Jared entered Jensen’s room, boots squeaking slightly on the floor, he was lying on his side flicking through the channels on the TV. Jared stood (creepily) at the door for a few moments, grinning to himself when Jensen settled on Judge Judy. “Judge Judy?” he asked, stepping into the room.
Jensen jumped, sending a surprised look in Jared’s direction. “Jesus,” he said quietly, turning the sound down on the TV. “I, uh, hi. Um, I didn’t even hear you come in.”
“Riveting TV,” nodded Jared, liking Jensen’s coyness.
Jensen smiled shyly. “Judge Judy is awesome.”
“Maybe in opposite land,” teased Jared, taking the posies off the cart. “I got these for you... I hope you’re not allergic.” His heart was beating faster.
Jensen blushed a brilliant scarlet. And, wow, Jared just wanted to give him a bear hug. He was way too attracted to shy people. Ones with pretty faces. That look like Jensen . “You really didn’t have to,” said Jensen, biting his lip, but accepting the bunch of posies. “Thank you, though. They smell really nice.”
Jared’s insides warmed when Jensen gave him a bright smile. “You’re welcome, you Judge Judy freak, you,” he said, taking his mop and bucket off the cart.
Jensen coughed a few times. “I’m sick, don’t judge me,” he said, voice hoarse.
Jared laughed, sloshing the soapy water across the floor and beginning to mop.
Jensen was silent for a few moments. Jared watched him in his peripheral vision, the way he kept looking between the TV and him while playing with the petals of a posy. “Um, I think there’s a thing about Bill Hicks on.”
Jared looked up. “Really? That’s awesome! Bill Hicks is amazing.”
“Yeah, he’s my favourite,” said Jensen softly, flicking through a few channels.
“Me too! That’s so cool! Your taste in comedians is awesome. I love you now. Marry me.”
“I want a beach wedding,” said Jensen, looking down and smiling to himself.
“Ew, I hate the colours you’ve chosen.”
“I don’t want your drunk uncle attending.”
“Screw that! Uncle Jeremy makes everything fun,” cried Jared.
“Fine. I’m calling this whole wedding off.”
“Fine!”
They both looked at each other, Jensen’s watery eyes shining happily, and laughed. Jared recovered first. “But yeah,” he said, “I hope I’m as good a comedian as him someday.”
“You’re a comedian?”asked Jensen, breathing calming again.
“Yeah, stand-up,” smiled Jared, making his way closer to Jensen’s bed.
“That’s cool. I’ve never met a comedian before. Just people who thought they were.”
Jared laughed. “Yeah, I know a few of those.”
“Will you tell me a joke?” Jensen’s voice was soft, hesitant.
Jared chuckled nervously. “Hm, sure-lemme see. I only came up with this one a few days ago-if it’s horrible you can just laugh at me, so it’ll be funny for you either way.”
Jensen chuckled and wow, that was a sound Jared could fall in love with. He’d made a couple of hundred people laugh in his lifetime, but he didn’t think he’d ever heard any laugh as beautiful as Jensen’s. He wanted to hear it again. “Okay,” he said, his heart rate increasing, “so, I’ll tell you about my date last week. I got to third base- it was really great, I mean, I’ve never gotten so far on the first date. But she was kind of a bitch. Just told me to get the fuck off the baseball field.”
Jensen laughed-light and breathy and incredible. “That’s pretty good.”
Jared flashed him a huge grin. “Thanks. Needs some fine-tuning, but I might put it in my act.”
“Was it based on something that happened?”
Jared chuckled. “Kind of, it happened awhile ago. And substitute the girl for a guy. And he didn’t mind-well, until I threw up beside the pitch. Too much beer.”
Jensen tore a few leaves off one of his posies. “I, um... I think I like the version with the guy better.”
“Me, too,” Jared winked, something resembling hope running through him.
Jensen shifted a little in his bed, placing his bouquet in a half-full glass of water on his bedside table. Jared watched him out of the corner of his eye as he worked-he felt bad for him. He seemed so shy, so lonely, so sad. And it had nothing to do with the regular undercurrents of grief in the hospital air, it was more pronounced around Jensen. As much as he appeared to try and hide it. Jared didn’t know for sure, but he thought he did good buying Jensen those flowers.
“So,” Jared cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the pitying tone his voice had acquired. “Sorry. Uh, so what’s your story? Do you go to school ?”
Jensen licked his faded, chapped lips. “Yeah. College.”
Jared grinned. “Me too. What’cha study?”
A pink tinge coloured Jensen’s cheeks. “Um, Fine Arts,” he said, toying with his bed cover.
“Cool! An artist, huh? That’s cute-I mean, nice. That’s really nice. Not cute at all. What school d’you go to?”
“Austin Community College.”
“Awesome, me too!”
Jensen smiled. “What do you study?”
“English.”
“That’s nice. I’ve never been so great with words.”
“A picture tells a thousand words, huh?” said Jared, finishing off his cleaning.
“Something like that.”
Jared sighed. “Well, I gotta go clean up the other rooms.”
“Okay... uh,” Jensen looked down. “Thanks for-well, thanks for keeping me company .”
“No problem... hey, why don’t I come up and visit you tomorrow? I can bring you some real food,” Jared talked quickly, hoping that Jensen would agree.
He looked kind of alarmed. “Uh... I-um-really? Don’t you... don’t you have anything else to do?”
“Not really,” said Jared. “Anything you want me to bring in particular?”
“You don’t have to bring anything.”
“Candy. Gotcha. See ya tomorrow, then.”
Jared left with a grin on his face, and he was pretty sure one was brightening Jensen’s too.
-
“Do you know how long I spent standing in the aisle looking for the perfect candy?”
Jensen looked up from his book, startled. His knees were bent up under the white covers, and he was leaning his novel against them. “Oh! Um, hey. I didn’t... I didn’t actually think you were coming.”
“Why? I told ya I would. Anyway, I figured you were probably a liquorice kind of guy. And I got M&Ms because I’m pretty sure everyone likes those.”
Jensen smiled shyly. “Yeah.”
“Awesome. How’s your day been?” Jared glanced at the blank TV. “Judge Judy not on, huh?”
“Unfortunately not,” said Jensen, reaching his thin hand up to flick some lank hair off his face. “Um, it’s been good. What about you?”
“Pretty good,” smiled Jared, pulling up an armchair beside Jensen’s bed. He lounged back in it, bringing his feet up to rest on the side of Jensen’s bed. He tossed him the liquorice.
Jensen licked his dry lips, holding up the bag of candy. His expression was happy but sad-the kind of mixed-emotion feeling that’s so hard to convey . “Thank you,” said Jensen, reaching up and rubbing his wet eyes with his free hand, “I mean... thanks. Seriously... I, um, you’ve really cheered me up.”
Jared grinned hugely. “I’m glad!”
Jensen smiled again, and it was still that half-happy, half-sad smile. Jared wanted to get rid of all traces of his sadness. “I was at work today and this guy came in with a knife,” said Jared. “My co-worker got stabbed, and I feel terrible. My teacher always said I shouldn’t run with scissors.”
Jensen chuckled. “I like that one.”
“Really? Awesome.” Jared tore open his M&Ms packet, cursing when a few fell onto the ground. “Ugh... cleaner can get ‘em.”
Jensen shook his head, but he was smiling. “Gonna open yours?” asked Jared, shoving a few M&Ms into his mouth. “Mmm,” he groaned, “I haven’t had chocolate in ages. Want some?”
Jensen licked his lips. “Okay,” he said, holding out his hand.
Jared dumped almost a quarter of the large packet into it. “Oops. Sorry,” he said.
Jensen chuckled, taking two and putting them in his mouth. “Thanks.”
“It’s cool,” said Jared, gazing out the window-to the tall buildings and the high sky. “Nice view from in here, isn’t it?”
It was-but not exactly. There was something about hospital views that felt like the world was moving without you . Sometimes it wasn’t really a sad feeling, but a memory, thoughts of tree houses in the backyard and watching the world grow up from your bedroom window.
“Yeah-it’s a nice cityscape. I’ve done a few drawings of it.”
“Oh, yeah? That’s right. You’re an art student. Do you draw a lot?”
“All the time,” said Jensen, looking down.
“Sweet. You should draw me sometime! Make sure I look good, though-I’ll hang it on my wall.”
“Maybe.”
“You shy ‘bout your drawings?” asked Jared, accidentally dropping a few more M&Ms onto the floor. “Oops.”
“Uh, I dunno.”
“You don’t know? Okay. Hey, I’m shy about my acts-how about you come see me perform and then we can both beat our shyness!”
Jensen chuckled. “You’re not shy.”
“Well, okay, no. But I’m using that date joke you said that you liked and I need you to be there so I can blame you if I screw it up.”
This time Jensen’s grin was wide with no trace of sadness. “That sounds great... but maybe some other time, okay? I’m gonna be stuck at home pretty sick for the next few days.”
Jared felt a little sting at Jensen’s words. “Oh... I hope you won’t be too sick. That sucks.”
Jensen nodded, shifting. His book fell off his stomach and onto the bed. “Yeah... well, I’ll make the most of this candy and company while I’m well.”
Jared reached out and took his book. “Go Tell It on the Mountain? ” he asked, flicking through a few pages.
“Ah!” squeaked Jensen. “Damn. You lost my page.”
“Oops. Sorry. I’m kind of clumsy today... sorry. I’ve read this, though! I had to read it last semester. Good book, isn’t it?”
“Yeah!” nodded Jensen enthusiastically-and this was probably the most Jared had seen Jensen out of his shell so far. “I really like it so far. It feels really... I dunno, realistic.”
Jared handed it back to him. “I think it’s one of my favourites I’ve read-this year, at least.”
“You read a lot?”
“Uh, hell yes,” Jared chuckled, “I’m a bit of a book junkie. I like going to those second-hand book stores and buying them. Actually, I need to trade in some of my books... anyway, the place where I do my stand-up? They do poetry and short story readings too. I’ve tried it a few times.”
“That sounds really great,” said Jensen, playing with the corner of his book. “Not really as dedicated as you, but... my father and I used to do that. Go get books together. I was the only one that liked to read as much as him.”
Jared grinned. “That’s cool. I’ll have to bring you a few of my books sometime.”
“That’d be great... maybe next time I’m up here?”
“Sure.”
-
“So, I finally went on my first date in months last week. I got to third base- it was awesome. I’ve never gotten so far on the first date! Only, she was kind of a bitch. Just told me to get the fuck off the baseball field.”
Jared felt a shiver run down his spine when the audience laughed.
“Thanks, guys, you’ve been awesome!”
He couldn’t stop grinning as he stepped off-stage, to where Chad was devouring every finger sandwich in sight off a refreshments table. Chad spun around when Jared tapped him on the shoulder, mouth full with food when he spluttered out: “fuck, Jared, these are so goddamn good.”
Jared wrinkled his nose when Chad sprayed some half-chewed flecks of food onto his shirt. “Gross, dude. And I don’t think you should be eating all those.”
“Why not?”
Jared took a step back. “Uh, well, because they’re not just for you.”
Chad considered Jared’s words for a moment, before snagging another and stepping away. “Bitch.”
“You performing tonight?”
“Nah, man. This chick I fucked s’been following me around. She’s here right now. I’m avoiding her.”
“You mean Sophia?”
“Uh, yeah. I think that was it.”
Jared rolled his eyes. “She kind of works here, moron.”
“Great. This is gonna make things awkward.”
Jared rolled his eyes. “C’mon, we gonna get going?”
“Yeah... oh dude-that joke? With the date? Haven’t heard that one before,” said Chad, snagging another finger sandwich and making his way past Jared.
“Yeah. I made it up a few days ago.”
“And you didn’t even run it past me?”
Jared smiled. “I ran it past someone else.”
“What? Who?”
“Uh, this guy I met up at the hospital-man, you should see him. He seems so, I dunno, sad-lonely. I took some candy up to him a few days ago,” said Jared, pushing open the front door.
“Cool. He do stand-up, too?”
“Nah, he’s an artist. And we fell in love over Go Tell It on the Mountain. ”
“What? That a gay porno or something?”
Jared shook his head. “No. A book.”
“Ah, gotcha,” Chad turned and blinked at him, making Jared laugh. “Fuck you, you know I can’t wink. Hope you don’t stalk the poor guy like you did with that last one.”
“Fuck you! I wasn’t stalking Tom-I just. I liked the smoothies where he worked?”
“Liar. Nobody likes smoothies.”
“You like smoothies.”
Chad gasped. “You said that was a milkshake-hey! Quit tryin’ to change the subject, asshole. You totally stalked Tom.”
“Die in a fire.”
Chad grinned triumphantly. “Stalker.”
“Dickwad.”
“Asshole.”
“Slut.”
“Fucktard-wanna stop for ice cream?” Chad climbed into the driver’s seat.
“Yeah... oh, I’m not gonna walk to the hardware store with you tomorrow, okay?”
“Why?”
“Gotta get to school early-take a little, uh, detour.”
“Stalker.”
-
Campus was bright Tuesday morning, cold winds sweeping through the grounds and whipping Jared’s face until he was sure his cheeks were red raw. The early sun was no use, its heat barely penetrating the atmosphere. Jared shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets, bowing his head down against the wind as he walked across to the English building.
And ran straight into someone in the process. “Fuck!” said Jared, looking up before looking down, finding that he’d bowled some poor guy onto the ground. His first (absurd) thought was that it was Chad, but this guy’s hair was darker and his clothing was less bright and attention-grabbing. “I’m so sorry!” Jared extended an absurdly long arm down to the guy.
The guy looked up at him-“Jensen!” Jared exclaimed, his arm still hanging in the air.
Jensen reached up and let Jared pull him to his feet. And wow, he was pretty light. Jared went to tell him as much, but flew back to himself when he saw Jensen’s pale, sickly, frail appearance. Instead, he let the hand that was still gripping Jensen’s warm, dry hand fall to his side. “How’re you feeling?”
Jensen shrugged lightly, looking anywhere but at Jared. “I’m alright, thanks,” he said. “Uh... how are you? I didn’t think we’d run into each other here .” Jensen’s cheeks were tinged pink on his dusky skin. The bruises around his eyes had faded somewhat, but they were still blankly obvious on his face.
Jared smiled. “But I’m glad we did! I’ve kinda... well, I don’t want to sound weird. I probably already sound weird. God, I’m so weird.”
Jensen laughed his husky laugh that made Jared’s heart swell. “It’s okay,” said Jensen shyly, flicking at the hair behind his ear, “you don’t sound that weird.”
“Just semi-weird?”
Jensen laughed again, playing with the flap of the messenger bag he was resting on his hip. And, wow, Jensen kind of had awesome hips-tapered slightly, his jeans fitting them loosely. Jared wished the jeans were tighter, or, well, not there at all. He supposed that would be kind of awkward for Jensen, though. “Yeah. Only semi-weird...”
“Sweet!”
Jensen paused, as if to gather his courage. “What... what were you gonna say?”
“Oh, just that I’ve kinda been wanting to see you again. That’s weird, isn’t it? Or semi-weird? Hmm.”
“Oh,” said Jensen softly, but he looked pleased. The look took some of the sickness away from his face. And Jared wondered vacantly if just enough laughter could cure him.
A freezing gust of air blew through them, disturbing the grass and the trees. Jared watched Jensen shiver under his few layers of clothing-he was only wearing a black t-shirt under a gray unbuttoned top. His ribs were poking through at the sides. Jared’s heart hurt. “Wow. It’s pretty chilly today,” Jensen’s words were quiet - hesitant. Jared could practically hear the poor guy’s heart racing.
“Yeah,” agreed Jared. “Hey, do you want to borrow my hoodie?”
Jensen looked near mortified. “Oh, no! No, it’s okay...” he said, forcing a smile. “But thanks.”
“Oh, alright. Well, if you want to, just ask. You got Art now?”
Jensen laughed again, before succumbing to a coughing fit. Jared sort of wanted to wrap him up in his hoodie and take him home and look after him forever. “Sorry,” muttered Jensen when he was done. “It’s, um... they have me on some new medicine. Preparing me, you know... I’m getting a transplant soon...”
“Oh! Okay. S’that why you were sick?”
Jensen nodded, seemingly relaxing. “Yeah... so, English class, right?”
“Yeah. I’m late now. Already half-failing the subject, too. Damn.”
Jensen looked a little shocked. “Then go to class!” he said. “Don’t stand around talking to some sick guy.”
Jared smiled at Jensen. “I’ll totally go to class... if you let me take you out. Going out on a limb here.”
“Really?” asked Jensen, raising his eyebrows.
“Um, hell yes,” said Jared. “Can I?”
Jensen was blushing again, his freckles sticking out on his face, bruised eyes looking down shyly. “All right. I’d like that.”
“Awesome! How’s this Saturday sound?”
“Great,” said Jensen. “Do you, um, want my phone number? You can call me... well, obviously. But like. Yeah.”
Jared chuckled. “That’d be great.”
Jensen dug through his messenger bag for a few moments before locating a pen and a scrap of paper. He scrawled down his number quickly, before handing it to Jared. Jensen’s thin hand lingered on the paper for a few moments, but Jared took it swiftly, licking his lips when Jensen put his hand firmly at his side again. “Thanks, Jensen,” he said, flapping the paper, “I can go to class happy now.”
“Bye, Jared,” smiled Jensen, holding up his hand, before turning away and walking off across the field.
-
“You got the number of a guy with cancer? And you actually wanted it?” Chad was lazing idly on Jared’s couch, come second bed for Chad that week while he was hiding from some crazy girl he’d fucked. He’d told Jared the story, but he hadn’t really been paying attention. He supposed he’d have to ask again sometime.
“That’s really offensive, even for you,” said Jared, his eyebrows furrowing as he handed Chad a beer. He collapsed down on the armchair they’d nicked from beside a dumpster once. It was probably the most comfortable thing Jared owned. “And yeah. It was the guy I was telling you about the other day.”
“Wouldn’t he be, like... bald?” asked Chad, touching his own greasy hair.
“No, he isn’t,” said Jared, gritting his teeth.
“Oh,” said Chad, scratching his head. “Well, whatever, gay-face.”
“Fuck-head.”
“Dicknose.”
“Whore,” Jared took a swig of his beer and grabbed the remote off the table, turning on the TV.
“Insolent child. Ha, I win. No takebacks!”
Jared rolled his eyes.
“So, when’s open mic tonight?” asked Chad, stretching out on Jared’s lounge chair.
Jared relaxed into his own chair. “Ten,” he said, glancing at the clock above his TV. “Hour.”
“Great. And nothing good’s on... hey. Why don’t we go pick up Baldy and go to a bar or something? We can get those tests out of the way.”
Jared gave Chad the patented you’re-being-inappropriate look. “What the fuck are you talking about? And his name is Jensen.”
“Status update: Jared is no longer in my top five friends due to neglect. You need to actually read my goddamn blogs, man. As of two weeks ago you need to complete a series of cunningly devised tests to be my friend. I need someone to try ‘em out-Bal-Jensen’ll do.”
Jared raised his eyebrows almost comically. “What the hell kind of tests?”
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to take ‘em. I already know everything I need to know about you. It’ll just be basic stuff, like-how well do they hold their liquor, how do they deal with cops, would they trust that dealer, would they bang that girl, how much would they be willing to pay to bail out Chad... y’know. Usual stuff.”
“At this rate, you’re lucky you have any friends at all.”
“Shut up, bitch. I have like a thousand friends on my Myspace.”
“And how many of those are those webcam girls?”
“So not the point.”
Jared leaned back in his chair, the springs digging into his back in all the right places. “Jensen is... well I don’t know yet, but I think I might like him, man. I don’t want you to start shit with him.”
“I won’t, fucker. He is a poor, sick boy. I’ll just start some piss with him.”
“So lame.”
Chad glanced over at him. “Really? Damn. It was in my act tonight.”
“Scrap it.”
“Fine. Get me another drink, wench.”
Jared stood, purely because his own beer was empty, and stepped the few steps into his tiny kitchen. He tossed a few coins into his comedy fund for good luck and walked back into the boxy living room. “Here,” he said, tossing Chad his beer.
“When you gonna crack that thing open so we can blow it on that trip to Vegas?”
“Shut up and drink your beer.”
-
Jared pulled up outside Jensen’s apartment building, hands sweaty on the steering wheel, anxiety fluttering in his stomach. He could pull out and drive away and it would be all right. He hadn’t been on a date in God knows how long, but he always got nervous as soon as he was there.
But he wasn’t going to stand up Jensen just because he was feeling a little nervous... a lot nervous.
Still, he wasn’t exactly against feigning a family emergency as he stood outside Jensen’s apartment door.
The hallway was long and narrow with a low ceiling, the flickering lights reflecting off the pale grey doors. Jared reached up to Jensen’s pale grey door, rapping on it three times. The sound was loud in the empty hallway. In the absence of sound, he briefly wondered if he should’ve gotten some flowers for Jensen. Probably not. That was more of a girl’s thing, wasn’t it? Were you meant to buy a present for your date on a first date? Jared couldn’t remember the proper dating etiquette -
The door swung inwards, revealing a neat-looking Jensen standing in the most chaotic room Jared had ever seen. “Um, hi,” said Jared, tearing his eyes from the bedlam.
Jensen looked nervous. He moved to block the sight from Jared’s view. “Sorry,” he said, chuckling low and rough, “I, uh... couldn’t find what I was looking for. That and.... I’m not the neatest person ever?”
Jared laughed. “Don’t sweat it,” he said, eyes grazing over Jensen’s face and body. He was dressed nicely in a black button-up shirt and a pair of jeans. He didn’t look as sick as he had earlier that week, either. His skin was still pale, freckles standing out, but it was hardly noticeable. The bruises around his eyes, especially, had dimmed.
“So, where, uh, are we going?” asked Jensen, stepping out of his apartment. “Should I invite you in? Sorry... this is... I haven’t been on a date since I was a teenager.”
“S’that when you got sick?” asked Jared, hitting himself on the head as soon as he’d said it. Subtle. Nice one, moron. “I’m sorry! I didn’t... wow. I suck. You don’t have to invite me in... and I’m taking you a steakhouse if that’s okay? Wait. You like steak, right? I mean -”
“Relax, Jared. I do - I like steak. It’s okay,” Jensen was smiling.
“Great!” said Jared. “Shall we get goin’ then?”
“Sure.”
Jared’s nerves began to ease as he and Jensen walked down the hallway, safe in the knowledge that Jensen still wanted to go on a date with him. And the fact he seemed just as nice as before. “You said you study Fine Arts, don’t you?” asked Jared.
Jensen nodded, looking at his feet shyly. “Yeah.”
“That’s cool-I didn’t tell you, but I used to do a lot of art in high school. I really like that Leonardo Da Vinci guy. And Dalí. He was a pretty cool dude.”
“Really?” asked Jensen.
Jared chuckled. “Well, no. I’m lying to you. I don’t really know those two guys are. And I actually suck at art... I just did a shit tonne of research on famous artists when I was meant to be studying so I could talk to you about art, but I’ve forgotten everything. My cover is blown!”
Jensen smiled- wide and joyful. Jared might already be a little bit in love with that expression. “I like your dedication to the cause,” he said. “And, well, your honesty. Even if you had to blow your cover.”
Jared winked at him. “I am a very honest person. Honest people constitute great partners, you know... or so I hear. From people. Y’know?”
Jensen laughed. “Subtle, too. Do you do anything else? Aside from cleaning and college and being subtle?”
“Yeah, my comedy!”
“Oh, I forgot that you were funny, too. Kind of the whole package, aren’t you?”
“The funny part is up to interpretation,” said Jared, opening the front door of the apartment building.
It was dark outside, the night lined with bright streetlights that still existed when Jared blinked his eyes. And it was cold. Freezing air accosted them, reaching through their shirts and scratching at their skin. “Chilly,” commented Jared, hurrying towards his car.
Their car ride was spent in comfortable silence-well, it wasn’t that comfortable for Jared because he felt like he needed to talk to Jensen or something, but Jensen looked like he was in comfortable silence, so he let it be.
The steakhouse was warm-orange lights flooding through the room, reflecting off posters and framed pictures. Soft rock music was escaping the jukebox, chasing around the room.
They took a seat at the back of the room, under a few Elvis and James Dean posters and some blue neon lights. “Friendly place,” said Jensen, struggling to be heard over the jukebox as the waitress left with their orders.
“Yeah-I come here with my friend Chad sometimes,” smiled Jared.
“How long have you lived here?”
“Uh-since I was a kid, moved into my apartment a few years ago... ‘what about you?” Jared accepted his beer from the waitress. “Thanks.”
Jensen thanked their waitress as she set his water down in front of him. “Two years,” he said.
“Cool,” said Jared, taking a swig of his beer. “Mmm... ”
“Good?” queried Jensen, taking a sip of his water.
“Yeah. Best drinks here, hands down.”
“Their water does have some kind of... I dunno. You didn’t drug it, did you?” asked Jensen lightly, voice teasing.
“Fuck,” groaned Jared, “you weren’t meant to find that out until later...”
“I’ll pretend to be surprised.”
Jared grinned. “Smart ass.”
Jensen inclined his head a little. “Only on day’s that end in a Y.”
Jared grinned and shook his head, taking another swig of his beer. “I found this book store a few days ago, in the city. It’s near this ice cream shop.”
“Oh, cool,” said Jensen, “you’ll have to give me the address so I can go there sometime.”
Jared nodded. “It’s not too far from the hospital, actually.”
“Awesome.”
“Awesomesauce.”
Jensen snorted. “The hell?”
“What?” asked Jared innocently. “I’m a funny guy, I can say shit like that.”
“Oh, yeah, for sure... where does someone go as a comedian? I mean, how do you climb the stand-up comedy ladder?” Jared could damn near see Jensen’s nervousness dripping off him.
“Well, the comedy club I do open mic at sponsor someone every year, but then you also get scouts that come in, looking for people to write jokes for them. So, yeah. You gotta be good, and you gotta have some damn good luck... which I apparently have lots of.”
“Hmm?”
“Well, I scored a date with the hottest guy ever. I’d say my good luck streak is going pretty well.”
Jensen laughed. “What a player, dating two people at once.”
Jared considered Jensen’s words for a few moments, and he kind of felt like he was in some other kind of territory. “Please. Have a little faith. I’m dating at least three.”
Jensen smiled. “Such a player.”
“You love it.”
“Almost as much as I love Bill Hicks.”
The waitress returned a few moments later, laying out their dinner on the table. It smelled awesome-Jared hadn’t had real food in too long. “Mmm,” groaned Jared, picking up his knife and fork, “this is such a nice change from two minute noodles.”
“Yeah-thanks, y’know. I’ve really liked hanging out with you.”
“Me, too,” said Jared, through a mouthful of meat and potato.
-
The drive to Jensen’s place was spent in comfortable silence-wandering eyes mostly focused on the city lights outside the car, but occasionally they met each other’s. Jensen looked away with a small smile for the fifth time. Jared copied him.
Jensen lived not too far from Jared’s apartment, but where small trees burst from the sidewalk from failed government planning in Jared’s neighbourhood, there were bins and concrete instead. Across the road, Jared counted an underground club and a few convenience stores. It felt different from Jared’s neighbourhood-more impersonal somehow. Quieter, despite the heavier, louder atmosphere.
It made Jared think of Jensen. And, wow, if we weren’t just products of where we lived.
“Thanks for dinner, Jared,” said Jensen as they climbed out of the car.
Jared pressed up close to Jensen as they faced the cold, walking up to his apartment building. “No problem-you know, m’dear, I’m actually a scout for the movies in my free time and I think you have what it takes. You just need to sleep with me.”
Jensen laughed, reaching out and shoving his chest lightly. A shiver ran down Jared’s spine at the touch. “Ass,” he said.
“I’d prefer yours, but I’m flexible.”
“Flexible, huh?”
“Jensen!” exclaimed Jared. “I cannot believe you’d insinuate such a thing!”
“Believe it.”
Jared grinned. “So, uh...”
Were they meant to kiss? Was Jared meant to kiss Jensen? He looked gorgeous there-smooth, pale skin meeting thick pink lips. He didn’t know if it was standard protocol. Jensen was just staring up at him with a raised eyebrow. “Jared?”
“Is kissing on the first date standard dating protocol?” he asked.
“Uh... I don’t know? I told you, I haven’t been on a date since I was younger,” Jensen was looking coy again, cheeks tinged with pink and avoiding eye contact.
Jared bent down and kissed the top of Jensen’s head. Jared didn’t really know why-just that it felt intimate, Jensen’s clean hair brushed lightly across his puckered lips. “Apple shampoo ?” asked Jared as he stood back up. “Nice!”
Jensen laughed, pushing him again, but this time his hand stayed on Jared’s chest. “You’re an idiot.”
They stared each other in the eyes for a few moments. Jensen’s green ones looked near black in the dark, sparkling with the streetlights. Jared could vaguely feel his heart racing, and in his limbs he knew what was happening before it did. Jensen leaned up, as though in slow motion, and pulled Jared down by the collar of his hoodie, bringing their warmth together to create heat.
Jensen’s lips pressed against Jared’s felt incredible, and he would never understand how a simple touch-a chaste meeting of lips-could ever make his skin so flushed and hot despite the cold. He let out a sigh when Jensen pulled back from the kiss, eyes still shining.
“And I thought you were supposed to be shy,” said Jared.
“Night, Jared.”
-
“He kissed me,” sighed Jared as he tossed a few spare coins into his comedy fund jar. The tinkling sound they made was familiar and so pretty (like Jensen). And, fuck, he’d kissed Jensen. Awesome. That was so awesome.
“You’re such a girl!” called Chad from the adjoining lounge room, his voice followed by a series of curses and car noises.
“Says the guy that gets pedicures. Grand Theft Auto?”
“Yeah-dude, c’mere! Watch me blow up this helicopter.”
Jared rubbed his tired eyes, yawning as he left the kitchen and stepped into the living room. “What’s the time?”
“Ten,” said Chad, eyes focused firmly on the TV screen. “Way too early to be tired.”
“It was so awesome, Chad. He’s so funny and shy and sweet. And we totally kissed. He totally kissed me. I was like-whoa! It was fucking epic.”
“Yeah, epic,” agreed Chad absent-mindedly, eyes still glued to the TV. “Fuck no! Bastard! That’s my car!”
Jared sighed. “Toss me a controller, whore.”
“Fuckin’ - agh - pussy.”
Part two