Raw, Pure TRUTH.
Yeh.
Spent my birthday in hospital. Happy 19th Birthday Jordan.
But whose fault is that really? I'm self-destructive, what did I expect?
I'm at fault for being insane. Stupified.To.The.Fulliest.
I'm crazy, I know this now. Spending too much time in hospitals does that to you.
There are no more problems I have to get over now.
I take my medicine like a good girl.
I take my pills.
I clone myself to be like everyone else.
Just so I am accepted into your fake pathetic plastic little society.
Why do I do this?
Miss I hate the world giving up you think?
HELL NO.
You think society is fake?
You try being locked up with a bunch of fucking psychos and see how much you want to be in the fucking real world. Cause baby, knowing what you think is the truth means shit.
I am angry now.
I'm not sweet.
I'm hard. And so broken.
But so much more aware.
This has been the worst hospital visit in the world. EVER. People are truly insane. You think you know all the answers, and you think being anti everybody and trying your hardest not to be fake like anyone else makes you an okay person. Think about it. Are you really happy though? No. Is anyone you know like that happy? They are cynical. And mean. But mostly every fucking night when you aren't watching they cry themselves to sleep because nothing is more badly then knowing the truth. Knowing how alone you feel because you are more superior then every other person and you have to analyze their whole entire personality into you talk yourselves into thinking how fake and stupid they are.
Believe me, you are the fake and stupid one. I have given up so many friends because of this. That sounds probably really mean but I want out. I want smiles, and laughter, and I want to be so fucking sickly sweet that people just hug me constantly because of how much they love their little "Jordan". I am not being around people who are like this now. I can't. They cut themselves and they hate themselves and do every fucking possible drug to make them not feel.
_____
Let's talk about drugs baby.
You think you know what P really does to people huh? You've read the articles and you've watched the news, and you've heard the gossip at your fucking school about people who have done P. Well three of my EX BEST FRIENDS are P Junkies. You hear about the anger right? The violence. Knock that one on the head baby. You are not angry when you are on P. You have no emotions. No fucking feeling what-so-ever. Think about all the cynical little depressed teenage fucks that pretend to be numb and fantasize about being numb because they think it's cool. Well buddy then this is the drug-of-choice for you. It makes you pretty fucking numb. But not to close the anger out completely because really you do get angry, when you are not on P. That's when the anger comes. When you're craving it. Because you don't want to feel. And all you feel into you have it again is anger. And you do get violent. And mean. And you make every fucking person that loves you afraid of you, because of how truly scary you are. Not quite as bad as Heroin But oh I do believe it will be. Just because it is easier to get then heroin so people that are heroin junkies will do P a lot more.
__ A society fallen down because of drugs__
I doubt anyone will read this heart filled rant considering I haven't been online in so long but oh how I love having a journal and being able to get all that anger out of me. Mmm. Such a relief.
I sound so damn heartless. That's pure emotion for you. But I'm not being heartless, I'm being real. I've created a world of my own being locked away, a term I'm using loosely because it is so much more dramatic then saying mental ward. Heh. But I've been in society and I've been away from society and you know what? I'd choose society any day. I'd choose love, and faith, and every other damn good thing cause believe me, there are so much more good things then bad things in this world. You don't have to worry about a lot of the bad things, you don't have to talk about it, you don't have to think about it. We just do. We just complain to complain. Simply put. But why worry about so many of the things that are out of our control? Cause we need to. We need to have something.
I don't need to.
Not anymore.
I'm free.
Because I'm here today typing in a word document, I've made it. I've fooled every possible human in that hospital to let me out, just because I realize now how much better being out is then being in. I'd rather BE OUT.
I'd rather be loved.
I'd rather love.
Spent my birthday in hospital. Happy 19th Birthday Jordan.
But whose fault is that really? I'm self-destructive, what did I expect?
I'm at fault for being insane. Stupified.To.The.Fulliest.
I'm crazy, I know this now. Spending too much time in hospitals does that to you.
There are no more problems I have to get over now.
I take my medicine like a good girl.
I take my pills.
I clone myself to be like everyone else.
Just so I am accepted into your fake pathetic plastic little society.
Why do I do this?
Miss I hate the world giving up you think?
HELL NO.
You think society is fake?
You try being locked up with a bunch of fucking psychos and see how much you want to be in the fucking real world. Cause baby, knowing what you think is the truth means shit.
I am angry now.
I'm not sweet.
I'm hard. And so broken.
But so much more aware.
This has been the worst hospital visit in the world. EVER. People are truly insane. You think you know all the answers, and you think being anti everybody and trying your hardest not to be fake like anyone else makes you an okay person. Think about it. Are you really happy though? No. Is anyone you know like that happy? They are cynical. And mean. But mostly every fucking night when you aren't watching they cry themselves to sleep because nothing is more badly then knowing the truth. Knowing how alone you feel because you are more superior then every other person and you have to analyze their whole entire personality into you talk yourselves into thinking how fake and stupid they are.
Believe me, you are the fake and stupid one. I have given up so many friends because of this. That sounds probably really mean but I want out. I want smiles, and laughter, and I want to be so fucking sickly sweet that people just hug me constantly because of how much they love their little "Jordan". I am not being around people who are like this now. I can't. They cut themselves and they hate themselves and do every fucking possible drug to make them not feel.
_____
Let's talk about drugs baby.
You think you know what P really does to people huh? You've read the articles and you've watched the news, and you've heard the gossip at your fucking school about people who have done P. Well three of my EX BEST FRIENDS are P Junkies. You hear about the anger right? The violence. Knock that one on the head baby. You are not angry when you are on P. You have no emotions. No fucking feeling what-so-ever. Think about all the cynical little depressed teenage fucks that pretend to be numb and fantasize about being numb because they think it's cool. Well buddy then this is the drug-of-choice for you. It makes you pretty fucking numb. But not to close the anger out completely because really you do get angry, when you are not on P. That's when the anger comes. When you're craving it. Because you don't want to feel. And all you feel into you have it again is anger. And you do get violent. And mean. And you make every fucking person that loves you afraid of you, because of how truly scary you are. Not quite as bad as Heroin But oh I do believe it will be. Just because it is easier to get then heroin so people that are heroin junkies will do P a lot more.
__ A society fallen down because of drugs__
I doubt anyone will read this heart filled rant considering I haven't been online in so long but oh how I love having a journal and being able to get all that anger out of me. Mmm. Such a relief.
I sound so damn heartless. That's pure emotion for you. But I'm not being heartless, I'm being real. I've created a world of my own being locked away, a term I'm using loosely because it is so much more dramatic then saying mental ward. Heh. But I've been in society and I've been away from society and you know what? I'd choose society any day. I'd choose love, and faith, and every other damn good thing cause believe me, there are so much more good things then bad things in this world. You don't have to worry about a lot of the bad things, you don't have to talk about it, you don't have to think about it. We just do. We just complain to complain. Simply put. But why worry about so many of the things that are out of our control? Cause we need to. We need to have something.
I don't need to.
Not anymore.
I'm free.
Because I'm here today typing in a word document, I've made it. I've fooled every possible human in that hospital to let me out, just because I realize now how much better being out is then being in. I'd rather BE OUT.
I'd rather be loved.
I'd rather love.