(no subject)
I never used to be able to understand that fully but looking back at pictures that I was never in. I think I have come to an understanding of sorts. I do not know my best friend/my mother, or what she stands for or even who she is. she doesn't know me. I love her. It's all a memory I never had. I need some canvases so I can paint and can draw back from the world. I have put myself out there for much too long, and having a life as they say will be great but it makes me so uncomfortable. I hate getting absorbed up in memories. I know there is more to the world then the sweet security of shit. What I see I store away in my mind, hoping one day it will become useful. Right now I'm still lost. I don't want to sleep I don't want to watch TV I dont want to work…I just want to exist. I want to go somewhere and sit alone with my thoughts and forget about shit plain and simple. It eats away at me and I can't wait till I get more money and get way from everything regardless if its running away from things I have stored inside my mind. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of pain, suffering, the potential for future suffering. I feel as though I have finally had enough and am ready to kiss it all goodbye and experience happiness, uninterrupted. I feel as though I'm ready to start forgetting it all. I wonder why I remember so much, so vividly. Even though theres happiness in my life now, theres still that pain from before. I no longer feel estranged from the happiness around me, I try to take part and I try to understand it. Now I need to forget what used to be. It's becoming harder to do this but the more happiness I feel, the more strange it is for me to remember all the shit in between. Stuff far away that it has ceased feeling completely real. Just how do I turn off the memories? I remember to much ... to my own detriment really. I do a lot of repressing my memories all because I hated the feelings it gave me.
The sky looked like it was on fire this morning. The clouds were a slate blue and the edge was pink followed by red orange then yellow. Some things in life….the only real beauty is painted by nature and the universe where everything subconsciously co-exists.
The sky looked like it was on fire this morning. The clouds were a slate blue and the edge was pink followed by red orange then yellow. Some things in life….the only real beauty is painted by nature and the universe where everything subconsciously co-exists.