With the last ounce of dignity.. I will pray.. I will scream out.
Sometimes I wish i could go back there, to the time when I was young. back then I thought that mountains were sleeping creatures and would shift around late at night.
When I would squint my eyes out of the car and invision my secret protector spirits, the only ones who could save me from my family, wizzing by my window along with the 70 mile per hour scenery.
When I thought boys could make babies with each other but that didn't matter cause everyone had a penis... to the first time I heard music in a way that wrecked me, back to the magic of being 10 standing over a freeway pass and wanting nothing more than to jump off into the blur of oncoming color, but that would be returning to a hell that I couldn't survive twice. If you are young and felt the same let me assure you, it gets better.
I've been torn between two people I care about. Between just shutting up and telling everyone what I feel. Between tears and smiles. When I first want something... I lie in perfect honesty and push it away to satisfy everyone else.
Lately.. I really have just been at a loss for words for having so much to say. I feel as if I've said so much but it just isn't enough. My body breaks, but I am still intact inside. As human instinct, I can love unconditionally.
But you... You can breathe without oxygen and live without sorrow. It's so ironic that a heart is made by man, when felt broken is easily fixed.. but a human who doesn't want me to pursue my happiness can hurt can last a lifetime. What a shallow act of what he has no say in.
I feel as if I'm put in this position as if I were frozen in time. Silently we all are afraid of change, we'll continue on this same path and we shoulden't.. and thats why I'm willing to fight for what makes me happy. It's the points that are supposed to coincide that keep being missed. They never do connect if you don't fight for what you feel strongly about. I can't tell anymore if I had just been silently searching for a reason in the past- or if I had just given up... given in? [Which would be worse...?] When all I've done is put people and their happiness before me.. I suddenly realize when do I get mine? When do people stop taking advantage of my kindness and let me enjoy my own happiness? When? When does it end? .. and when does it start? I'm tired of getting the shit end of everything.
Each new day is a blank page in this spiral notebook... and I wonder who holds the pen as the lines consistently stray from my own design, beyond any understanding. These patterns never change, these feelings will not fade. Like permanent ink on this torn paper, you stain my memory, you will remain here forever.. this was not my design but I damn well have every intention of making it into a creation because there comes a time when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall down and stay down, life will pass you by and though it wasn't my design, the only way to start any reconstruction is to take that pen into my own hands...
The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized.
But today is here... and your own happiness comes first. I'm not willing to throw any of this away.. I didn't plan for anything to happen this way but it did.. and I soley believe everything happens for a reason.
Even though I'm young, I'm not sutpid. I've let to many opportunities slip away in my life time and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let things go his way this time. I won't let one person take away what makes me happy because things didn't work out the way he had planned. We all need to do what we feel in our hearts because we'll be damned if we do, and damned if we don't.
You only have one life, and life is to short to be anything BUT happy. Take chances. You have to take the good with the bad because if you don't it keeps getting pushed aside and it will eventually build up big enough to create your own rejection.. and that rejection.. becomes your own failure. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and its not a selfish act when you've spent your life trying to make others around you happy. Someone is always gonna be hurt.. and I refuse to let myself be that person again in this situation. Love who you are, and respect yourself by making yourself happy. You only have one life.. live it happily and surround yourself with the people who mean the world to you and make you feel great. The ones who chose to dwell will always be the ones trying to drag the rest of us down with them.. stop letting them get the best of us. I will never let anyone take that power away from me. I'm a lover AND a fighter and I long for happiness. There can be no light without darkness, no life without death, no happiness without sadness, no living without fighting.. for each defines the other. I will not just let things fade.. and I will not let someone surround me with their negativity especially if they can't even accept whats surfaced.
Pretend it's not forever, I'll pull this together. I'll save it, I won't forget it, I'll breathe and I'll say it never hurt and look at it as happiness. and laugh about the good and the bad...because I may not live forever, but this will come together... and never settle for anything less than what makes you happy.
When I would squint my eyes out of the car and invision my secret protector spirits, the only ones who could save me from my family, wizzing by my window along with the 70 mile per hour scenery.
When I thought boys could make babies with each other but that didn't matter cause everyone had a penis... to the first time I heard music in a way that wrecked me, back to the magic of being 10 standing over a freeway pass and wanting nothing more than to jump off into the blur of oncoming color, but that would be returning to a hell that I couldn't survive twice. If you are young and felt the same let me assure you, it gets better.
I've been torn between two people I care about. Between just shutting up and telling everyone what I feel. Between tears and smiles. When I first want something... I lie in perfect honesty and push it away to satisfy everyone else.
Lately.. I really have just been at a loss for words for having so much to say. I feel as if I've said so much but it just isn't enough. My body breaks, but I am still intact inside. As human instinct, I can love unconditionally.
But you... You can breathe without oxygen and live without sorrow. It's so ironic that a heart is made by man, when felt broken is easily fixed.. but a human who doesn't want me to pursue my happiness can hurt can last a lifetime. What a shallow act of what he has no say in.
I feel as if I'm put in this position as if I were frozen in time. Silently we all are afraid of change, we'll continue on this same path and we shoulden't.. and thats why I'm willing to fight for what makes me happy. It's the points that are supposed to coincide that keep being missed. They never do connect if you don't fight for what you feel strongly about. I can't tell anymore if I had just been silently searching for a reason in the past- or if I had just given up... given in? [Which would be worse...?] When all I've done is put people and their happiness before me.. I suddenly realize when do I get mine? When do people stop taking advantage of my kindness and let me enjoy my own happiness? When? When does it end? .. and when does it start? I'm tired of getting the shit end of everything.
Each new day is a blank page in this spiral notebook... and I wonder who holds the pen as the lines consistently stray from my own design, beyond any understanding. These patterns never change, these feelings will not fade. Like permanent ink on this torn paper, you stain my memory, you will remain here forever.. this was not my design but I damn well have every intention of making it into a creation because there comes a time when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall down and stay down, life will pass you by and though it wasn't my design, the only way to start any reconstruction is to take that pen into my own hands...
The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized.
But today is here... and your own happiness comes first. I'm not willing to throw any of this away.. I didn't plan for anything to happen this way but it did.. and I soley believe everything happens for a reason.
Even though I'm young, I'm not sutpid. I've let to many opportunities slip away in my life time and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let things go his way this time. I won't let one person take away what makes me happy because things didn't work out the way he had planned. We all need to do what we feel in our hearts because we'll be damned if we do, and damned if we don't.
You only have one life, and life is to short to be anything BUT happy. Take chances. You have to take the good with the bad because if you don't it keeps getting pushed aside and it will eventually build up big enough to create your own rejection.. and that rejection.. becomes your own failure. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and its not a selfish act when you've spent your life trying to make others around you happy. Someone is always gonna be hurt.. and I refuse to let myself be that person again in this situation. Love who you are, and respect yourself by making yourself happy. You only have one life.. live it happily and surround yourself with the people who mean the world to you and make you feel great. The ones who chose to dwell will always be the ones trying to drag the rest of us down with them.. stop letting them get the best of us. I will never let anyone take that power away from me. I'm a lover AND a fighter and I long for happiness. There can be no light without darkness, no life without death, no happiness without sadness, no living without fighting.. for each defines the other. I will not just let things fade.. and I will not let someone surround me with their negativity especially if they can't even accept whats surfaced.
Pretend it's not forever, I'll pull this together. I'll save it, I won't forget it, I'll breathe and I'll say it never hurt and look at it as happiness. and laugh about the good and the bad...because I may not live forever, but this will come together... and never settle for anything less than what makes you happy.