i want to fucking tear you apart
I wish i was a good writer. I mean, I don't think it's that I can't write, but more of the fact that I can't complete a thought without starting another one. It seems like everyone's writing flows but mine. I'll start talking about one thing and it will randomly jump into something else. I read other people's writings and know I could write a piece like that, but for some reason I can't get my brain to focus and transpose. What if the things I like to do won't even benefit me when I get into college? Oh by the way Colby, you spent 3 years trying to achieve a journalism degree, but wait you can't write! I just feel anything that I want to do is not gonna give me a good outcome in life. Colby the daughter of Edward the steamfitter and Barbara the account manager, but what am I suppose to do? I just wish everything you needed in life was dished out on a platter. Here we go, your high paying job, house, and husband.... oh and a side of brussel sprouts. I never realized how lucky I am to be doing absolutely nothing day after day after day. I mean it has showed its results with this nice beer belly I'm getting over here, but seriously I just can't seem to get anything done. It seems everyone when they graduate get some sort of motivation or drive to succeed and I have a feeling I'm just going to be one of those children that live off their parents money and stick around like a parasite to this home. Why do the things I love to do not pay well? Do we need to sacrifice what we love just to survive in this materialistic world? I tell myself I'm not materialistic, but I'm pretty sure that is a lie. I don't think I'd be able to survive without my cellphone, ipod and computer as well as money freely handed to me daily. What will I become of this? My father always says, " Colby get ready for a rude awakening in the real world." All I know is right now I just want to stay young forever. Carefree. Young. Forever. I complain and obsess about how small our grade looks compared to any other graduating seniors, but what is the big deal? I think I would rather look youthful than older. We all strive to be mature, but what is the sense in this? But seriously though, I think it all is deriving from the hormones being extracted from milk because everyone is so SMALL, and I can't sleep cause I think about it so much ugh.
I'm starting to realize I have so many fears, and I don't know how I'm gonna handle this next chapter of my life. I've started to come to the assumption that nothing satisfies me. If you think about it in a darker sense though, without the pain and suffering why would there be a need for happiness? It's always the overcoming aftermath that makes happiness and joy feel so good in the bones. I think we should all strive for dispair and hope the outcome is of ecstasy. In my opinion, I think being happy for too long is boring and unsatistfying, but there is some sick pleasure in pain isn't there? I noticed I get myself caught up in too many things being depressed most of my days, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think anyone could be truly satisfied with anything we can understand we all strive for more and more.
I saw a foreign film called, " Pan's Labyrinth" with Manny on sunday at the Bethel Cinema. I really enjoyed it. I feel very cultural when I watch foreign films, haha very high over others for some odd reason. I thought the movie was quite brillant, except critically I was thrown off by the trailer that consisted of all fantasy aspects and was caught off guard when about 25% of the film was only of this portion. It was still well directed and the casting was great. It was a very depressing movie I will admit, but it still made me think. It in a sense, reminded me of " Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" just because it seemed the children in that movie and Ofeila in PL were absorbed in fantasy during a time of war. It seems this is reaccuring I've found as I child during war to draw away your mind of the cruelty of this world we live in, but to go to somewhere that is imaginative and away from death and murder.
I made a starter book list of what I need to start to read soon enough and finish.....
" As I Lay Dying"- Faukner
" I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"- Angelou
" Ordinary People"- Guest
" One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"- Kesey
" Invisible Monsters" Palanuik
" Play the Piano Drunk with Percussion Until the Fingers Start to Bleed a Bit"- Bukowski
and then i need to finish the book scott gave me about Marx. Also I have a lot more to add I just was spacing.
I'm really leaning towards breaking up with Derek lately. I haven't seen him in a week, and I don't even give a shit. That's not good. It's just not working I know it, and I just don't wanna break his heart. Is it terrible that I still want him to love me if I break up with him cause I think i'd be really hurt if he got over me or dated someone like Sarah. I am so selfish. This is too long, and I'm suppose to be doing my studying for Midterms.. like I'd pass anyways.
I'm starting to realize I have so many fears, and I don't know how I'm gonna handle this next chapter of my life. I've started to come to the assumption that nothing satisfies me. If you think about it in a darker sense though, without the pain and suffering why would there be a need for happiness? It's always the overcoming aftermath that makes happiness and joy feel so good in the bones. I think we should all strive for dispair and hope the outcome is of ecstasy. In my opinion, I think being happy for too long is boring and unsatistfying, but there is some sick pleasure in pain isn't there? I noticed I get myself caught up in too many things being depressed most of my days, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think anyone could be truly satisfied with anything we can understand we all strive for more and more.
I saw a foreign film called, " Pan's Labyrinth" with Manny on sunday at the Bethel Cinema. I really enjoyed it. I feel very cultural when I watch foreign films, haha very high over others for some odd reason. I thought the movie was quite brillant, except critically I was thrown off by the trailer that consisted of all fantasy aspects and was caught off guard when about 25% of the film was only of this portion. It was still well directed and the casting was great. It was a very depressing movie I will admit, but it still made me think. It in a sense, reminded me of " Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" just because it seemed the children in that movie and Ofeila in PL were absorbed in fantasy during a time of war. It seems this is reaccuring I've found as I child during war to draw away your mind of the cruelty of this world we live in, but to go to somewhere that is imaginative and away from death and murder.
I made a starter book list of what I need to start to read soon enough and finish.....
" As I Lay Dying"- Faukner
" I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"- Angelou
" Ordinary People"- Guest
" One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"- Kesey
" Invisible Monsters" Palanuik
" Play the Piano Drunk with Percussion Until the Fingers Start to Bleed a Bit"- Bukowski
and then i need to finish the book scott gave me about Marx. Also I have a lot more to add I just was spacing.
I'm really leaning towards breaking up with Derek lately. I haven't seen him in a week, and I don't even give a shit. That's not good. It's just not working I know it, and I just don't wanna break his heart. Is it terrible that I still want him to love me if I break up with him cause I think i'd be really hurt if he got over me or dated someone like Sarah. I am so selfish. This is too long, and I'm suppose to be doing my studying for Midterms.. like I'd pass anyways.