This is the New Year, and I don't feel any different.
So yesturday was New Years Eve....ummm worst new years EVER. I should of fucking went to a party with my friends, but nooooo I decide to stay with my stupid boyfriend because he told me he would be upset if he didn't get to kiss me at midnight. So fine, I go to Derek's at 10, and what does he do for an hour? Plays a video game. I mean I was kind of annoyed at first until I started to get into it. So now, it's around 11:15 I'm drinking my vodkacoke and i put it down on the keyboard desk thing... So I guess Derek doesn't see it and my drink goes flying when closes the keyboard holder thing and the drink goes ALL OVER MY FUCKING PANTS.
SO GREAT. NOW I'm soaking wet of coca-cola and 3 shots of vodka. kdjfksjfskfjskl
Plus somehow I cut my finger in the process, so now i'm bleeding AND soaking wet... and I'm NOT EVEN FUCKING DRUNK YET.
So he gets me a band-aid and a uhhh fucking blow dryer? So i take my pants off and start to blow dry my pants, and you know i'm walking around with a shirt and thong on so I thought maybe I'd give him a kiss but he goes " No, No" .. umm What the fuck. I blow dry my pants and put them back on and put a bandaid on my finger ( kind of glad I have that band-aid on now so I don't pick that one nail and make it bleed all day like everyday)
So now it's getting around 12:40 make another drink I don't wanna be fucking sober at midnight. So now the ball is about to drop and Derek promised the whole night ( THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF ME GOING OVER THERE) that he would give me a kiss at midnight.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
HAPPY NEW YEARS.
and........................I don't get fucking kissed... Why i ask , " It just didn't feel right"
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF IT DIDN'T "FEEL RIGHT" DKFJDKSJFSK
It totally ruined my night, and made me even more depressed then I already was.
So I just kept drinking by myself... more and more and more when Derek would go outside.
I think I need to get off this medication you're not suppose to be on it if you have anxiety or depression cause it heightens it.........bad fucking mistake. I don't wanna tell my mom I'm depressed though gahhhhh.
Usually I go crazy once a week... now it's everyday.
2 days ago,
I burnt my arm again by myself in my car at a gas station.
Last night,
I slit my wrists 12 times on my arm and burned myself twice.
I mean it had nothing to do with the kiss I don't even know WHY I'm upset I can't even explain it.
I always did burn myself before I was put on medication, but now it has just made it worse. kdjfksjkdjs.
So after I was barely speaking to Derek I brought him to Shaws at 3 and I went to go pick up Alexa at Fusco's.
Alex was there. My ex-boyfriend sort of... well I don't know we never " officially" dated but you know. On and Off sort of shit. He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek... but then he tried to kiss me on the lips i was uhhhh no. I kissed him on the cheek though sort of and for some reason I feel REALLY FUCKING GUILTY about it. Just because Derek was always like... NINA CHEATED ON ME when that guy kissed her on the cheek and they thought is this wrong? and she kissed him back. Then he said he kept dating her but eventually cheated on her cause she " cheated on him" which I don't even think it's cheating but.... he got it in my head now. I feel so guilty if I don't tell him, but I don't want him to hate me and break up with me or something or stay with me for a long time then cheat on me with Sarah or something along those lines. I feel like I need to tell him or something, I don't know I was drunk I would of never kissed Alex on the lips ever which I didn't... I don't know what to do though.. Am I wrong? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Jenna DID kiss me on lips sort of that one time... and i KNOW how he freaks about girls but I got really upset about it but I thought she was just a girl whatever don't tell him. But now I WAS THE ONE WHO KISSED ALEX ON THE CHEEK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so wasted though it was harmless I told him I had a boyfriend and that I would never cheat on him so I just gave him a hug and a peck when I was hugging. I feel fucking terrible. Maybe I should just tell him... Noooooo I can't.. I told him I'd never do anything to hurt him, but I mean I DON'T KNOW IS IT BAD I CAN'T TELL! His weird perceptions are getting cemented in my brain dkjksjfksjfs
Anyways, I got Alexa brought her home. Went back to my house. But then called Britt and Britt, Bianca, Tony, and Alicia came and got me at like 4, we rolled a blunt, smoked it... and then smoked a bowl at Danielle's. Eventually Bianca drove me home at 5:30, I fell asleep.
They say how you spend your New Years is how you spend the rest of the year. So basically, I'm going to be depressed and hurting myself, while become a alcoholic and pothead.
Hm, 2007 begins.
SO GREAT. NOW I'm soaking wet of coca-cola and 3 shots of vodka. kdjfksjfskfjskl
Plus somehow I cut my finger in the process, so now i'm bleeding AND soaking wet... and I'm NOT EVEN FUCKING DRUNK YET.
So he gets me a band-aid and a uhhh fucking blow dryer? So i take my pants off and start to blow dry my pants, and you know i'm walking around with a shirt and thong on so I thought maybe I'd give him a kiss but he goes " No, No" .. umm What the fuck. I blow dry my pants and put them back on and put a bandaid on my finger ( kind of glad I have that band-aid on now so I don't pick that one nail and make it bleed all day like everyday)
So now it's getting around 12:40 make another drink I don't wanna be fucking sober at midnight. So now the ball is about to drop and Derek promised the whole night ( THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF ME GOING OVER THERE) that he would give me a kiss at midnight.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
HAPPY NEW YEARS.
and........................I don't get fucking kissed... Why i ask , " It just didn't feel right"
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF IT DIDN'T "FEEL RIGHT" DKFJDKSJFSK
It totally ruined my night, and made me even more depressed then I already was.
So I just kept drinking by myself... more and more and more when Derek would go outside.
I think I need to get off this medication you're not suppose to be on it if you have anxiety or depression cause it heightens it.........bad fucking mistake. I don't wanna tell my mom I'm depressed though gahhhhh.
Usually I go crazy once a week... now it's everyday.
2 days ago,
I burnt my arm again by myself in my car at a gas station.
Last night,
I slit my wrists 12 times on my arm and burned myself twice.
I mean it had nothing to do with the kiss I don't even know WHY I'm upset I can't even explain it.
I always did burn myself before I was put on medication, but now it has just made it worse. kdjfksjkdjs.
So after I was barely speaking to Derek I brought him to Shaws at 3 and I went to go pick up Alexa at Fusco's.
Alex was there. My ex-boyfriend sort of... well I don't know we never " officially" dated but you know. On and Off sort of shit. He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek... but then he tried to kiss me on the lips i was uhhhh no. I kissed him on the cheek though sort of and for some reason I feel REALLY FUCKING GUILTY about it. Just because Derek was always like... NINA CHEATED ON ME when that guy kissed her on the cheek and they thought is this wrong? and she kissed him back. Then he said he kept dating her but eventually cheated on her cause she " cheated on him" which I don't even think it's cheating but.... he got it in my head now. I feel so guilty if I don't tell him, but I don't want him to hate me and break up with me or something or stay with me for a long time then cheat on me with Sarah or something along those lines. I feel like I need to tell him or something, I don't know I was drunk I would of never kissed Alex on the lips ever which I didn't... I don't know what to do though.. Am I wrong? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Jenna DID kiss me on lips sort of that one time... and i KNOW how he freaks about girls but I got really upset about it but I thought she was just a girl whatever don't tell him. But now I WAS THE ONE WHO KISSED ALEX ON THE CHEEK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so wasted though it was harmless I told him I had a boyfriend and that I would never cheat on him so I just gave him a hug and a peck when I was hugging. I feel fucking terrible. Maybe I should just tell him... Noooooo I can't.. I told him I'd never do anything to hurt him, but I mean I DON'T KNOW IS IT BAD I CAN'T TELL! His weird perceptions are getting cemented in my brain dkjksjfksjfs
Anyways, I got Alexa brought her home. Went back to my house. But then called Britt and Britt, Bianca, Tony, and Alicia came and got me at like 4, we rolled a blunt, smoked it... and then smoked a bowl at Danielle's. Eventually Bianca drove me home at 5:30, I fell asleep.
They say how you spend your New Years is how you spend the rest of the year. So basically, I'm going to be depressed and hurting myself, while become a alcoholic and pothead.
Hm, 2007 begins.