(no subject)
I love my family, I love spending time with them, but whenever I come out here I feel trapped. It could be my lack of transportation. It could be that I am forever trying too hard to be the perfect daughter that my mom left behind in Colorado. I try to not let her see the person that I am becoming, I dont tell her that the party that I went to last week was a pagen ritual, I dont tell her much about how I spend my time other than work and school, though she does know about my friends and boyfriend, but I am forever watering down things that happened and what I want to do and it is starting to drive me nuts. I hate being only part of the person that I have become. I have tried to tell her about what I have been doing and what I want to do, I have tried to tell her about me, but it seems as though she doesnt want to hear it. Everytime I have tried to tell her about pagenism, all the way since this summer on the phone and in person she changes the subject, she doent want to hear about it. I want desperatly to go home, I know that the scores to the big test that I took are sitting at home waiting for me, I have my cute honey waiting, my cat, my roommates, and well, my life sitting back in Colorado waiting for me and I am stuck here ducking my father's calls and trying to appease my mother.Why is it that we do this, play these games, play roles that we are not? Is this just another of these things that we do simply because society tells us that is what we are expected to do, if we do not fit the perfect mold we must pretend that we do, at least for out family? My grandma asked me on Christmas if I wanted to to lead the family in prayer, I declined thinking what do I look Christian? I havent been since middle school, but she does not know that, to her I am a sweet little Christian girl who doesnt do anything wrong. Though she did give me an out. She asked about my necklace, and did I tell her that it was a symbol of the Goddess? No, I told her that it was from my boyfriend, a Celtic symbol of femininity- I left the Goddess part out. I dont even fully realize what I am doing until after the fact when I want to smack myself for conforming to my families ideal of perfection instead of just being me. I left my hippie pants at home along with my true self and I miss it desperatly and want nothing more than to go home.
Love ya,
~Psyren
Love ya,
~Psyren