Prudishness
My period is two weeks late now. I went through all the cramps and uncomfortableness and acne and now it's all gone, without any bleeding. Weird. If it doesn't come tomorrow, then this will be the longest cycle I've had since I started keeping track (46 days). Mom said I got a letter from the insurance company telling me to get a pap smear, but they won't pay for one this year, so I guess I'll finally cave and make an appointment for January or February. I'll see what my gyno thinks about my irregular cycles. If she suggests it I might be open to trying birth control, if only because I'm hoping it will help my acne. Oh man, I am so nervous. I know I'm not going to be able to make the phone call for the appointment. Guess this is what my counselor and I will be working on next. Except I don't want to talk about my girly parts with her either.
To segue into my actual blogging material for today, I've been wondering how exactly I became such a prude. My brother is the same way (at least around family, but I can tell that he's more reserved than most of his friends), and our parents aren't. Or at least aren't as prudish as we are. I can talk about sex and stuff until the conversation comes around to me having sex, and then I completely clam up because I don't want anyone to think of me as a sexual person. I like to look attractive, but while being as modest as possible. I know I have a nice butt, but I have a couple pairs of jeans that I will never wear because I don't want people looking at it (to be fair, I don't like tight pants on anyone. For some reason I like that part of the body camouflaged). I always wear a tank top under low-necked clothing, and I feel horribly exposed in just a tank top or in shorts (don't get me started on bathing suits). And I don't hate my body--I think I'm cute. I just don't think it's proper for people to see it, and no one ever taught me to feel that way. I guess maybe it's because I'm shy, and I'm afraid of sexual attention or something. I don't know. But I try to pass myself off as an asexual person even though that's not true, and it's extended to admitting that I have sexual organs. I don't mind talking about my breasts or menstruation in the way that every other girl does (discussing bras or whatever), but I won't talk about it in mixed company and I never take it past safe "girl talk." And now this is really getting in my way because the thought of protecting my health by having my reproductive system checked out is making me freak out. I couldn't imagine having surgery for endometriosis like my mother and grandmother have had. I would be so embarrassed that people knew about it. And I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, but it would bother me anyway, because I am a hopeless prude.
To segue into my actual blogging material for today, I've been wondering how exactly I became such a prude. My brother is the same way (at least around family, but I can tell that he's more reserved than most of his friends), and our parents aren't. Or at least aren't as prudish as we are. I can talk about sex and stuff until the conversation comes around to me having sex, and then I completely clam up because I don't want anyone to think of me as a sexual person. I like to look attractive, but while being as modest as possible. I know I have a nice butt, but I have a couple pairs of jeans that I will never wear because I don't want people looking at it (to be fair, I don't like tight pants on anyone. For some reason I like that part of the body camouflaged). I always wear a tank top under low-necked clothing, and I feel horribly exposed in just a tank top or in shorts (don't get me started on bathing suits). And I don't hate my body--I think I'm cute. I just don't think it's proper for people to see it, and no one ever taught me to feel that way. I guess maybe it's because I'm shy, and I'm afraid of sexual attention or something. I don't know. But I try to pass myself off as an asexual person even though that's not true, and it's extended to admitting that I have sexual organs. I don't mind talking about my breasts or menstruation in the way that every other girl does (discussing bras or whatever), but I won't talk about it in mixed company and I never take it past safe "girl talk." And now this is really getting in my way because the thought of protecting my health by having my reproductive system checked out is making me freak out. I couldn't imagine having surgery for endometriosis like my mother and grandmother have had. I would be so embarrassed that people knew about it. And I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, but it would bother me anyway, because I am a hopeless prude.