Asylum Diary III.
This is a part of my therapy, again.
Let the dead men sleep in their graves, so my psychiatrist told me today. Don’t let them consume you and suck off all your energy. Write it down as a letter and I will tell you what is good and what bad about that letter.
Thus…speaking in Coraline’s terms: Hush and shush, you demons from my past.
Dear Selina,
yes, you probably feel angry that I keep addressing you with your real name even though you “kindly” asked me not doing so. But you cannot ignore he fact it is your name. Live with it. If you’d address me “the evil one”, “the crazy one”, “the idiotic one…” I will probably not like it as well. But I would have to live with it, too.
I really do think there should be a new Olympic category: making people feel bad about themselves, making them sad and depressed. I am sure you’d win all three medals. Today, I’ve found out I was not the only one whom you treated like a shitbag. But you know what? It didn’t make me feel relieved. In fact, it raged me a lot since it was my friend. A very close one, to be exact. But when the first wave of anger disappeared, I felt almost a strange calmness. Because somehow, I realized that this is the only way you can treat people. Maybe no one taught you other. Maybe that’s how you feel you’re being treated as well and thus, you let everyone to go through this shit with you, too. Misery loves company, now doesn’t it?
You’re…flawless, dear. Just flawless.
You can read one’s mind, one’s soul, you never judge anyone, you accept people as they are, you never require every single emotion being dedicated to yourself only, you never get hysterical and you never overreact. You’re always honest, you never say you were perfect, you never despise someone only because they had a different opinion than you had…you never make mistakes, you can do everything better…
…you’re flawless.
Yet in your dreams only.
We all have some flaws. I do have a lot of them, too. I do not deny it. I never did. But the fact I was honest and accepted my flaws doesn’t give you the right to treat me like a shit or like the biggest blackmailer in the history of internet.
I do NOT delete other people’s accounts or journals or blogs just because they made me see red for a while. And please, save the oh so famous quote “well, and what did you expect?”
I never gave you any hint that I am this…low. But yeah, she’s your lady so why not believing her? Why not blaming the evil and bad Evelyn who turned out to be evil and bad because suddenly, she refused to be your lapdog any longer and nod happily whenever you wanted me to?
Why not, actually? It’s so easy and simple, it surely is. It makes you feel like a victim. And you don't need to take any responsibility.
You know…I’ve never really liked you. Not your other nickname and alter ego, not you. There was always something bothering me whenever I wrote something to you. This feeling of uneasiness. I did never know what exactly it was; I just knew something was not right. Next time, I should listen to my inner voice.
But because of Nex, I’ve tried. It didn’t work. Happens.
You know…I must laugh bitterly when I read how much Nex tried to save your face (YOUR FACE and not HER, how ill is that?) when she tried to prove me (and herself) how wrong I was when judging your character. And she wrote odes and love letters about how great your were and how much you made her smile.
In the beginning of my friendship with Nex, she wrote to me how sad and depressed you made her feel. She even admitted how bad she felt when you treated her just like you treated me later: like a shitbag.
I don’t want to elaborate this. I am not responsible for Nex’s life and as long as she’s fine to be treated so…with an occasional outburst of love coming from your side…well, much luck, then.
Thanks to you, I cannot talk to Nex. You’ve made me paranoid because I knew Nex couldn’t do otherwise than spy and tell you everything. You’re probably great when it comes to using their charm (although I see none) and influence (and I see a lot of that) on your slaves.
I see how much Nex has changed while she’s with you. And I blame you, I really do. One Selina is already too much. The thought that one day, there will be two of you scares the shit out of me.
You know what? You may think I was psycho and weirdo and did not have the balls to talk to you. But please, explain me one thing: what sense it makes when talking to a person who always says (when all logic arguments are gone) that “sorry, this is so much painful, I don’t want to talk about it right now…”.
What do you expected? That is was easy to talk about it for me? Well, I am sorry, sweetheart: I do have feelings, too. You may not like it…but that’s not my problem.
You accused me of blackmailing you in public, of being the evil behind the sun that makes people like you less. Well, people have (usually) their own mind and brain and they do decision on their own. Plus, I am not aware I ever done something like blackmailing you. But you were just great when we talked through Skype the last time: you refused to explain anything and thus, I had no possibility to neither explain nor defend myself. How fair you are.
The last drop, I guess, was your silly requirement I should stop accusing you in public, talking about you in public or in private…and blah blah blah.
How ill is this? Yes, I agreed: I was numb, I was scared of my own breath, I wanted to do at least something nice. Thanks gods my psychiatrist pointed out today how ueless and non-sense that requirement was.
But. I can talk about who I want…and well, if it hurts you to hear you’re not as perfect as you may think you are…I am sorry. That’s not my problem to deal with.
You said you did not need friends who did not agree with you. Well, much luck of finding friends who will always agree with you and treat you like a goddess. I don’t care.
Once, you said I acted this “evil” only because I hated you. Like I told you that day: I did not hate you.
Funny thing is I think the same about you as you think about me: you’re not a good person. And otherwise…yes, I may have hurt you. But you always managed to hurt me twice. And I don’t really need that.
I don’t need you in my life to feel like shit from time to time. Thank you, I can manage myself.
But please…try to act as the mature being you pretend you are. You’re 23. You’re old enough to learn how to treat people in general.
And stop harassing people just because you like to harass them. Yes, it may look like fun to you…but in fact, it’s not. I think it's quite pitiful.
Who are you in my eyes?
The Miss I-AM-SO-PERFECT-AND-IF-YOU'RE-NOT-WILLING-TO-AGREE, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PISS OFF OF MY F'LIST.
The one who always declares pathetically that she never judges people...but all you keep saying were actually judgements.
The one who says that I cannot know you until I met you in person ... but you're able to know me due the things I wrote to you in various states of my mind. You've never met me, either...but that obviously does not count.
The one who loved me as long as I agreed with you. The moment I start to voice my own opinions,you'll get hysterical and yell that you never needed friends who always have a different POV.
The one who always knows best and the moment you dare to point out that things run a little different...she'll get what? Yeah, hysterical.
The one who pretend I-know-it-all but I still remember that three months ago,you kept asking me about details and why and how and when.And suddenly,you pretend to know everyone and everything for ages and better than I do. Well...if it makes you happy...
The one who's cruel to her slaves...but your slaves obvisouly love it. Well,I would understand since I am pretty masochistic,too...but I refuse to be the only one evil, bad, jealous...and so on.
Nah, I do not expect you’ll get this letter. I also do not expect you’ll understand half of the things I was talking about. And if yes…I definitely do not expect you’ll be able to agree that when destroying a relationship, two must play the game. And I was not the only one. I surely made lots of mistakes. But you made them, too.
Yours sincerely,
Evelyn
Let the dead men sleep in their graves, so my psychiatrist told me today. Don’t let them consume you and suck off all your energy. Write it down as a letter and I will tell you what is good and what bad about that letter.
Thus…speaking in Coraline’s terms: Hush and shush, you demons from my past.
Dear Selina,
yes, you probably feel angry that I keep addressing you with your real name even though you “kindly” asked me not doing so. But you cannot ignore he fact it is your name. Live with it. If you’d address me “the evil one”, “the crazy one”, “the idiotic one…” I will probably not like it as well. But I would have to live with it, too.
I really do think there should be a new Olympic category: making people feel bad about themselves, making them sad and depressed. I am sure you’d win all three medals. Today, I’ve found out I was not the only one whom you treated like a shitbag. But you know what? It didn’t make me feel relieved. In fact, it raged me a lot since it was my friend. A very close one, to be exact. But when the first wave of anger disappeared, I felt almost a strange calmness. Because somehow, I realized that this is the only way you can treat people. Maybe no one taught you other. Maybe that’s how you feel you’re being treated as well and thus, you let everyone to go through this shit with you, too. Misery loves company, now doesn’t it?
You’re…flawless, dear. Just flawless.
You can read one’s mind, one’s soul, you never judge anyone, you accept people as they are, you never require every single emotion being dedicated to yourself only, you never get hysterical and you never overreact. You’re always honest, you never say you were perfect, you never despise someone only because they had a different opinion than you had…you never make mistakes, you can do everything better…
…you’re flawless.
Yet in your dreams only.
We all have some flaws. I do have a lot of them, too. I do not deny it. I never did. But the fact I was honest and accepted my flaws doesn’t give you the right to treat me like a shit or like the biggest blackmailer in the history of internet.
I do NOT delete other people’s accounts or journals or blogs just because they made me see red for a while. And please, save the oh so famous quote “well, and what did you expect?”
I never gave you any hint that I am this…low. But yeah, she’s your lady so why not believing her? Why not blaming the evil and bad Evelyn who turned out to be evil and bad because suddenly, she refused to be your lapdog any longer and nod happily whenever you wanted me to?
Why not, actually? It’s so easy and simple, it surely is. It makes you feel like a victim. And you don't need to take any responsibility.
You know…I’ve never really liked you. Not your other nickname and alter ego, not you. There was always something bothering me whenever I wrote something to you. This feeling of uneasiness. I did never know what exactly it was; I just knew something was not right. Next time, I should listen to my inner voice.
But because of Nex, I’ve tried. It didn’t work. Happens.
You know…I must laugh bitterly when I read how much Nex tried to save your face (YOUR FACE and not HER, how ill is that?) when she tried to prove me (and herself) how wrong I was when judging your character. And she wrote odes and love letters about how great your were and how much you made her smile.
In the beginning of my friendship with Nex, she wrote to me how sad and depressed you made her feel. She even admitted how bad she felt when you treated her just like you treated me later: like a shitbag.
I don’t want to elaborate this. I am not responsible for Nex’s life and as long as she’s fine to be treated so…with an occasional outburst of love coming from your side…well, much luck, then.
Thanks to you, I cannot talk to Nex. You’ve made me paranoid because I knew Nex couldn’t do otherwise than spy and tell you everything. You’re probably great when it comes to using their charm (although I see none) and influence (and I see a lot of that) on your slaves.
I see how much Nex has changed while she’s with you. And I blame you, I really do. One Selina is already too much. The thought that one day, there will be two of you scares the shit out of me.
You know what? You may think I was psycho and weirdo and did not have the balls to talk to you. But please, explain me one thing: what sense it makes when talking to a person who always says (when all logic arguments are gone) that “sorry, this is so much painful, I don’t want to talk about it right now…”.
What do you expected? That is was easy to talk about it for me? Well, I am sorry, sweetheart: I do have feelings, too. You may not like it…but that’s not my problem.
You accused me of blackmailing you in public, of being the evil behind the sun that makes people like you less. Well, people have (usually) their own mind and brain and they do decision on their own. Plus, I am not aware I ever done something like blackmailing you. But you were just great when we talked through Skype the last time: you refused to explain anything and thus, I had no possibility to neither explain nor defend myself. How fair you are.
The last drop, I guess, was your silly requirement I should stop accusing you in public, talking about you in public or in private…and blah blah blah.
How ill is this? Yes, I agreed: I was numb, I was scared of my own breath, I wanted to do at least something nice. Thanks gods my psychiatrist pointed out today how ueless and non-sense that requirement was.
But. I can talk about who I want…and well, if it hurts you to hear you’re not as perfect as you may think you are…I am sorry. That’s not my problem to deal with.
You said you did not need friends who did not agree with you. Well, much luck of finding friends who will always agree with you and treat you like a goddess. I don’t care.
Once, you said I acted this “evil” only because I hated you. Like I told you that day: I did not hate you.
Funny thing is I think the same about you as you think about me: you’re not a good person. And otherwise…yes, I may have hurt you. But you always managed to hurt me twice. And I don’t really need that.
I don’t need you in my life to feel like shit from time to time. Thank you, I can manage myself.
But please…try to act as the mature being you pretend you are. You’re 23. You’re old enough to learn how to treat people in general.
And stop harassing people just because you like to harass them. Yes, it may look like fun to you…but in fact, it’s not. I think it's quite pitiful.
Who are you in my eyes?
The Miss I-AM-SO-PERFECT-AND-IF-YOU'RE-NOT-WILLING-TO-AGREE, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PISS OFF OF MY F'LIST.
The one who always declares pathetically that she never judges people...but all you keep saying were actually judgements.
The one who says that I cannot know you until I met you in person ... but you're able to know me due the things I wrote to you in various states of my mind. You've never met me, either...but that obviously does not count.
The one who loved me as long as I agreed with you. The moment I start to voice my own opinions,you'll get hysterical and yell that you never needed friends who always have a different POV.
The one who always knows best and the moment you dare to point out that things run a little different...she'll get what? Yeah, hysterical.
The one who pretend I-know-it-all but I still remember that three months ago,you kept asking me about details and why and how and when.And suddenly,you pretend to know everyone and everything for ages and better than I do. Well...if it makes you happy...
The one who's cruel to her slaves...but your slaves obvisouly love it. Well,I would understand since I am pretty masochistic,too...but I refuse to be the only one evil, bad, jealous...and so on.
Nah, I do not expect you’ll get this letter. I also do not expect you’ll understand half of the things I was talking about. And if yes…I definitely do not expect you’ll be able to agree that when destroying a relationship, two must play the game. And I was not the only one. I surely made lots of mistakes. But you made them, too.
Yours sincerely,
Evelyn